17.11.14

Fantasy Booking: Dunesko



Welcome everyone to another instance of FANTASY BOOKING!  This time, I wanted to actually share with you a thing that was made by myself and my players in one of the two Dungeons and Dragons games that I run.  Yes, I am a Dungeon Master.  It is absolutely one of my prides and joys to do.  I love creating stories, watching characters, and the thrill of the game.  I've been doing it for a very long time, probably twenty years, and I've loved every second.

My first campaign is a Ravenloft campaign, which is my favorite ADnD setting, and will always be.  But I wanted to do something different.  I have a system for world creation so that my players and I can make a unique world to us as a group.  I've also had an idea in my head since college for an abandoned concept that was based on African lore, geography, and themes.  So, with my players help, we created the world of Dunesko.  And of course, why shouldn't I share it with you?!

I'm going to present it to you as I did my players, with an in-character written editorial of the history of the world.  I hope you all enjoy this small departure from normal IHAO business.

.;[]:.       .:[]:.       .:[];.


Before life came to Dunesko, there was only the Sand. Endless and all-encompassing, it stretched in all directions, without sun or moon, day or night. Beneath the sand, there grew a Seed. Within that Seed were the twelve Numen, Spirit-Gods that shaped the world then and now. When the Seed cracked open, the twelve Numen came forth, one by one.

The Untamed came first, a beautiful Heron that brought with it the sky, the birds, the trees, and the beasts of the land.
The Weaver came second, a grand spider spinning a web of fate over the lands, the animals, and the races to come.
The Spark came third, a beetle pushing the sun across the sky, bringing fire to the races and sparking imagination within them.
The Night came fourth, a starry vulture, spreading its wings to cover the sky and bring the races their first dreams.
The Labor came fifth, a mossy Ox that helped the races toil the earth and work the land, bringing forth more of their kind.
The Maw came sixth, an enormous hippo, that opened its jaws and the rivers poured from it, allowing men to trade their work.
The Pride came seventh, a powerful lion to gather the tribes and teach them to hunt, providing for their kind.
The Slaughter came eighth, a greedy hyena that hunted just to kill and destroy, causing the first wars.
The Power came ninth, a bronze rhinoceros whose strength and skill supplied the races with the means to fight their wars and protect their tribes.
The Thunder came tenth, a herd of gazelle, whose hooves warned of the coming dangers, and herding the races into greater societies.
The Swarm came eleventh, as locusts and gnats and frogs and snakes, bringing plague, famine, terrible storms, and powerful dragons that destroy the land.
The Herd came last, a skeletal elephant, trumpeting its sad sound as the dead joined him on his trek to his resting place.


A Brief History of Dunesko, Land of the Dunes

Written by Jacobi Bladeback (in Lehonti and Sauriel)

Prologue

What a beautiful and astounding world we live in, fellow beings!  Large and small alike, we must give deference to the largest in this world, she being the Numens who shaped our land and with their guidance created our glorious history.  In my studies, I have learned many an interesting detail about our strange and varied history.  And even more so, I have learned that many know small bits and pieces, but there has yet to be a dedicated collection of our history, from all aspects, across all empires.  So, I now present to you, a Brief History of Dunesko, Land of the Dunes.


Chapter 1: Pre-History

As best as can be determined, before the first records of the Auriel scribes, there was an expansive empire on the southeastern side of the Vuori’jono Mountains.  The Elves called the great empire Xendrixia, like the desert itself.  Ancient glyphs indicate that it was created by a great Pharaoh (it means God-King in ancient elvish, furthermore known as Xendrixian), an elven man stillborn, yet still alive, named Xendrix.  He swiftly became a legend, declared himself Pharaoh and established a long-lasting heraldry called “The Majesty.”

As Xendrixia grew it power, it also grew corrupt, as each passing Pharaoh in Xendrix’s line took more and more control over all the races that are not of Xendrixia.  The Pharaohs and the Xendrixian elves all forsook the Numen, rejecting their control over their lives and focused on arcane sources of power.  The first necromantic rituals were created.  The first order of the Mirage was formed, though none follow the conceits of an order to a lost Numen any longer.  Kobolds, Sauriels, Humans, all were made slaves to build the lost monuments, shrines, and temples to the Majesty of Xendrixia.
It was hundreds, maybe thousands of years before almost abruptly, the Xendrixian Empire fell.  

Legend says that the Last Pharaoh was a powerful necromancer who shaped the Numen to his will and called for from the bones of the dragons a dangerous and powerful slave, a Death Dragon.  It is unwritten how the Xendrixian Empire fell, but there were no Pharaohs after the last, and Xendrixia’s capital fell.  The races dispersed to the far corners of Dunesko, and the elves had been left to wander the Dunes.


Chapter 2: The Birth of the Races

To the Northwest, along the banks of the Auriel Sea, where the Auriel River and Auriel Jungle converge at the Auriel Delta, the humble Sauriel race founded their first city.  It is the oldest living city, with great limestone walls and buildings, beautiful paved roads, and all of it has lasted for hundreds of years.  I am a bit biased, I must say, for my home, but it is undeniable that a Sauriel city’s bones will almost assuredly never die. 

It did not take long for the Sauriel race to expand, traveling up the Auriel River towards the sun.  There they found Vuroi’Vesi, the enormous kobold named mountain of water pouring into the Ja’Arvesi.  There, a contingency of finheads created the city of Aqueus on the southern bank of the lake.  Lizard-men dug steps into the mountain and the Observatory was built above the waterfall, bring Aqueus its now world-wide acclaim.  At the same time, a traveling party explored the Auriel Sea to the south.  On the southern bank of the sea was established the city of Arboreus, right next to the now known as Cirdon Forest, though it was formerly the Southern Auriel Forest.

On the other side of Xendrixia, a permanent oasis, somehow able to not be swept by the magicks of the elves or the Kauhea’Tuuli, became a refuge for the humans, known at that time as the single nation of Ash.  They gathered together in their first governance, called Asher.  Kobolds had moved to the far southeast to the Vuori’Suuri, or Great Mountain. 

My own race at that time started to put together their law, the building blocks of the social structure that guided us for so long.  At the same time, the humans across the world rejected law, seeing fit to live in controlled chaos instead.  And the kobolds tell a tale of their great hero Kai’lliso, who was supposedly the size of a hornhead and was the first kobold to strike the earth with a pick and begin to mine the mountain.   I quite enjoy their legends, as a failing of us Sauriel’s is our strict sense and pride of history as opposed to the dreams of the other races.


Chapter 3: The Rise of the Sauriel Empire

Enterprising endeavors became the Sauriel’s goal.  There was an entire world to explore to the east and the south.  The enterprising guild, the Brick-Brotherhood, began to cut their way through the Southern Auriel Forest and laying a road along with them.  Two generations of our kind worked their lives tirelessly cutting through the dense forest until they reached Cirdon Lake further south.  How the Cirdon got its name is a mystery to us, as the records have been lost to time.  They continued their travel along the Cirdon’s river.  It was at this time Kauhea’Tuuli arose again, smashing against the mountains and making travel dangerous for all Sauriels.  Trapped on their river boats, the Brick-Brotherhood hunkered down, braving the rapids, until they reached a safe valley, hidden between two large mountains.  It was there the city of Ardon was established.  News of this history was recorded and flown back to Auriel City as fast as possible.  It was this news that first started the Sauriel’s libraries and histories.

Asher was not much a place to live as it was a place to survive, and soon a family and clan of humans known together as the Volkrad would have enough of the humans of Ash, reject their heritage and leave Asher, traveling north.  In the north they found the amazing Ja’atikko glacier, as well as savannah lands cold and flat.  At the foot of the Ja’atikko they established the new home for the Volkrad, Isaachar.  Another offshoot of the humans, ones more focused on worship of the Numen called the Malakar, left Asher as well not long after, heading south with the help of the elves, finding the expansive swamplands to the south and establishing their new capital for their race, Amalekiah.
It was at this time that the gnolls first migrated from the far southern deserts.  Lead by the gnoll-mother Nissa and her three daughters, they crossed the Black Desert and the Cirdon River, finding a new home in Xendrixia.  Their matriarchal society, based on the biggest and strongest women, lead the gnolls to split into three major packs: Cakar, Rahang, and Berlari.  All three sisters believed in focusing on gnoll survival through the hunt, but each sister had her own opinion.  The Cakar preferred to fight for their food.  The Rahang preferred to make anything their food.  And the Berlari learned to keep their distance and pick their fights, running as they need.

Also, the Kobolds mined Vuori’Suuri and established an underground city, named Ma’ati.


Chapter 4: The Grand Meeting and Its Fallout

Much was changing in the world as races were coming in contact with each other for trade and the borders of their claimed lands starting to come in contact.  Oxnard, a wise hornhead, established an assembly of Sauriels in the Auriel Delta.  The Assembly was created among the Sauriels to further establish our governing body and our caste system, finally naming the Auriel Delta as the capital of the Sauriel Empire.  The Sauriel Empire covered over half the known world, so an information trading guild of Flyers called the Post worked to put large posts across the rivers, savannahs and even points of the desert to pass messages more quickly and efficiently.  Using the Post, the Sauriels called for the Grand Meeting where all races came to Ardon, the city of safety.  The human nations (Asher Oasis, Malekiah, and Volkrad), the gnoll clans, the Xendrixian elves, the Kobolds, and the Sauriels all together signed The Treaty of Peace and Trade, which established rules for trade between races and cities, as well as a non-aggressive pact so that no race would interfere or attack any other race.
The Sauriels established two new cities after this meeting in hopes of expanding their empire.  First was the city of Aphar at the base of Vuori’Suuri.  It would be dishonest of me to say it was not for a purely beneficial gain from those small hard-working Kobolds.  Size has always played a part of our own discriminatory lives, though it was much worse during those decades.  To establish trade with the third human civilization, the coastal city of Anchorage was made, though the storms were too rough to explore its oceans for more than basic resources.

Many things changed after the Grand Meeting.  The humans, in a matter of pride, changed the name of their cities, as Amalekiah became Malekiah and the Ashers established a new name and an official town in the oasis now known as Gaddeanton.  The newly christened Gaddeantons turned to trade to establish a true economy, though they also applied heavy taxes and tolls along the few path ways that existed into the city, specifically with Anchorage.

Not too long after the founding of Aphar, a terrible accident happened in Ma’ati, destroying the majority of the Kobold’s only city.  It was after that terrible accident that most kobolds decided to leave their native home behind and instead spread out around the world of Dunesko.  A single family clan, the Syva’asuk, angered at this cowardly action from their perspective, instead entered the few remaining mines and caves of Ma’ati.  They have not had contact with the surface since.

It was a generation of peace and trade, as all the nations grew stronger and felt safe.  As we know now from our vantage point, this was merely the cause before the Slaughter’s terrible storm.


Chapter 5: The Sauriel Wars begin

A single fisherman, a human from Malekiah, was up to his hips in the swamp water, catching the crustaceans and other vermin of the bog.  His life is not particularly important.  His children’s lives probably not as well.  All of their names have been lost to history.  But his account of a single day has been immortalized.  I do not know if any reading this have heard his account before, but I will include it in its entirety below:

“The crabs were snapping light that day.  I was wading through the sugar cane bog over east when I saw it.  I heard it first.  A rumbling, like a hungry dog’s belly, tore through the mists and steam coming off the ponds.  I put my hand on my claw hammer’s handle, worried about what may be coming.  I saw a rustling in the willows, and then it burst forth.  A great red hyena, as large as an elephant, larger, with blood drool coming from its mouth and claws, not entirely there, almost as if it was made of the wind itself.  I saw the Slaughter stand before me and felt its breath on me, and I was certain I was a dead man.  As I struggled to force the words of worship from my mouth in the hopes the Slaughter would spare me, I watched him root into the swamp, digging with his massive claws until he disappeared.”

Why is this account important?  Because this not common event is what preceded the Slaughter’s personal race of warriors to be born into the world, the Orcs.  Born from the ground, weapon in hand and ready to kill, this was the first sign of the terrible wars to come.  The Orcs seemed pleased to kill any they could find, though they tended to focus on the elves, gnolls, and humans.  That is probably the only saving grace of the Sauriel race.

Within the old caste system, the Lizard-men were once a member of our race.  They were considered the lowest of the low, meat-eaters good for nothing but labor and expendable bodies.  It was the way life has always been.  They were unintelligent, smelled of rotted meat, and brought nothing to trade or society.  Or so it was perceived at the time.  But that perception also made them ignored, this allowed the Lizard-Men to plan a terrible revolt.  They all attacked at once, killing those who policed them and any that got in their way.  Ardon took the worst of it.  The Sauriel Wars had begun.

Ardon was destroyed as the Sauriels knew it in the matter of a two week siege.  The Lizard-Men burnt anything that wasn’t stone, killed any that stood in their way, and forced everyone in that city to die or leave.  The Sauriels looked to their allies for help, but the Treaty of Peace and Trade made it so that no other race could interfere in this civil war.  Gnolls broke the treaty almost immediately, joining in both sides of the conflict.  The other races had their own issues.  The Orcs had begun to raid villages of the three human civilizations, Gaddea, Volkrad, and Lehanti (the empire of the southern humans in Malekiah), murdering, raping, and pillaging.  The Kobolds argued amongst themselves as a group, the Ma’ante believed they should return to their homeland.  And the elves took to fighting the Orcs as they found them, removing all vestments of civilization and staying purely nomadic.

In the Auriel Delta, a commando unit was created for the specific purpose of eradicating the rebelling Lizard-Men.  Some Sauriels called it genocide, mostly those living Aphar or in Aqueous, but the Assembly deemed it necessary, calling members of all the castes to join the cause.  At the same time, those who for were of sound mind and body and were not training to join the Sauriel High Legion instead worked to build an immense wall 5 miles out in a circle on all sides of the Auriel Delta, to insure its protection.  This focus building and rebuilding, now that trade to the south was cut off, also lead to a long trade road being created across the desert from Aqueus to Gaddeanton and from Anchorage to Aphar.  In hindsight, this was a tactical failing that lead to the Sauriel Empire’s fall.


Chapter 6: The Fall of the Sauriel Empire

The Lizard-Men, leaving behind the ruins of Ardon, moved to the more inhospitable regions of Dunesko, making a military Stronghold among the peat bogs and oil rivers to the southwest.  There, they began to make plans on their next conquest against their former betters.

Elsewhere, the human empires, all staying out of the Sauriel War, made their own political improvements, expanding each empire.  The Volkrad were able to establish their first true kingdom beneath the rule of King Carolus, a great warrior knight and slayer of Orcs, protectors of farms in the north.  He and his elite guard, the Caroleans, protected the humans and kobolds of the northern tundras from many raiding parties of Orcs.  In Gaddea, a shadow government took form.  Built upon back-alley deals between different guild heads and corrupt police, Gaddeanton became a well-oiled machine, greased by money and information.  In Lehonti, a new religion focusing on worship of all 12 Numen, but only each in their time, arose, called Huruda.  The emphasis was to worship one Numen for a full moon cycle, then to immediately begin devout worship of the next in a particular series. 

The first great setback of the Sauriel War was the loss of Ardon.  The second was when Gaddea sent their militia to Anchorage and successfully slaughtered their way to control, truly creating a new empire.  The shadow government even changed the name of Anchorage, now known as the human land of L’Trel.  The war had now become a two-fronted one, and the Assembly decided it was best to retreat from Gaddea and prepare for the Lizard-Men’s next attack.  But they were not prepared.
The third great loss for the Sauriel’s was that of Arboreus.  Armed with arrows dipped in the oil sea and fireball loaded catapults, the Lizard-Men had made their way to the north and laid absolute waste to the lumber town.  It was burned completely to the ground, and every tree within a day’s travel was burned down as well for good measure.  The Lizard-Men oiled the earth to stain it black and keep anything else from growing.

Other interesting events transpired in this era.  A great hero among both the Sauriels and the gnolls, a Bladeback named Arins, tried to convince a pack of male gnolls to join the fight in the war.  The gnolls had their own battles to fight, so Arins traveled with them, eventually becoming accepted into their pack and being honored with a new name, Kapusa.  Arins of the Gnolls lead his pack through the desert to find the ruins of Xendrixia, now mostly buried in the desert that shares the same name, hoping to one day help the gnolls establish a true home city that he believed they deserved.

At dawn not long after the utter destruction of Arboreus, a single Lizard-Man herald under the white flag of peace approached the newly built gate to the Auriel Delta.  He had with him a treaty, penned by the Lizard-Men, that was made to end the conflict.  The Lizard-Men wished for their equality and had proven they were willing to fight fang and claw to be treated as equals.  He nailed the contract to the great wooden door, the last remnants of the Arboreus lumber mills, before turning and retreating.  He was shot dead not twenty paces from where he nailed the contract to the door.

The Assembly decided to end this civil war at once with a show of strength.  The full Sauriel High Legion was sent south deep into the Blightlands.  There, a one month battle killed nine out of every ten men that were in the Legion, and almost as many Lizard-Men.  But despite the dreadful loss of life, the Sauriel High Legion had slaughtered the Lizard-Men’s leaders and forced the remaining barbarians to retreat.  A pyrrhic victory, but victory nonetheless.  Many Hornheads and Bladebacks died that day, stunting their castes for generations, even to this day.  The Sauriel War was ended, and the price paid was a terrible one.


Chapter 7: The Three-Fold Empires; or the Age Just Past

The Sauriel War was over, though conflicts still remained.  Lizard-Men still prowl the Blightlands and other places.  Orcs continue to raid farms and villages, looking to take any foothold they can into the human empires.  Things continued on their natural course.

Aqueous, one of the few Sauriel cities to escape the conflict completely carved a treacherous but reliable pass through the mountains into the Xendrixian desert, creating a road to the gnoll encampment at the past Pharaoh’s ruins.  Aman, an astrologer from Aqueous, who was sick of the war and all the death it brought to the Herd, took an oath of pacifism and poverty.  His philosophies began to convert others to his school of thought, leading them down a path to enlightenment, through complete peace.

The landscape of the world began to change in the aftermath of the war.  From the literal ashes of Arboreus, a new city was formed by the survivors of the war, as well as nearby Orc raids.  The humans, gnolls, kobolds, and Sauriels all together named the city Ascendant, in hopes it would lift their spirits.  A human general from the Lehonti Empire in Malekiah brought with him his mean and rebuilt the city of Ardon for his home empire, renaming the city Honshar.  Honshar established a War College for both mage and warrior, which has since graduated many of the most prolific members of any military.  As a stopping point halfway down the Cirdon River, a citadel name Wysos was created by all races for the kingdom of Lehonti.

King Coralus the Second of the Volkrad Empire traveled by wooly elephant to the city of Aqueous to much pomp and circumstance.  He brought with him a proposal, mutually beneficial for both cities.  Aqueous no longer had support from the Auriel Delta, but was too important a city to lose in another terrible war.  King Coralus proposed that the city become part of his Volkrad Empire.  The local assembly took a full moon-cycle to deliberate, but in the end agreed.  It was not long for the new empire to share its knowledge with one another, making leaps and bounds in the science of engineering. 

Amon in his last years founded a philosophy college in Aqueous in protest to the Honshar War College in Honshar.  He died, worried that he had not done enough to leave Dunesko better than when he arrived.  At the same time, an order of his followers calling themselves the Order of the Pure Wind lead a pilgrimage of like-minded peace-seekers to the east.  They created for themselves a commune at the top of Vuori’Tuuli which they called the Home of the Wind.

The Sauriel Civil War had longer reaching political effects as well.  In Aphar, now its own entity separated from its mother city, found a political uprising.  Flyers began to rebel against the caste system there, protesting and calling for change, all in the name of equality, higher class jobs, and better payments.

Not long after the Sauriel War ended did the Xendrixian elves show their utter distaste for anything important.  They sent their messages to mages, wizards, warlocks, sorcerers, and any other with any arcane power to a competition, the Numen’s Duel.  It has happened every year since, during the Summer Solstice.  I have attended many myself, and while the elves have very little opinion of wars and governments, they make up for it in spectacle and social proclivity. 

Now, almost fifty years have passed.  The Three Empires continue to expand as more and more of the population spreads out from the water into the foothills and savannahs.  Ascendant has become the home for many of the gravely injured and ill, and the best medicine men and doctors live there now.  As a home to many veterans of many conflicts, war games and reenactments are the major source of pride for those there.

Dunesko is a dangerous place.  If it is not the orcs, it is the dragons.  If it isn’t the government, it is bandits and thieves.  But we all make due and try to live our lives.  And this, is my full accounting of the abbreviated history of Dunesko.


-------------------------------------------


An interesting note …

I am not a man who understands the weather or the stars.  But I do dabble in astronomy, and I have spoken with many philosophers and astrologers about the event that happened.  Kauhea’Tuuli came this year from much further south, destroying the city of L’Trel.  Gaddea has sent its men to the south to Aphar for support and trade to rebuild the city.  I fear they wish to expand once again. Kauhea’Tuuli was devastating this year, and I felt my walls shudder and quake for the first time ever here in Honshar as I finished penning my final draft of this collected histories.    I fear something terrible is on the horizon.  The 50th Numen’s Duel takes place this year.  There have been far too few accounts of Lizard-Men to the west.  There are reports that Orcs are forming cities.  And one of my colleagues has gone mad with his search for the unfindable.  As I look to the stars and moon for guidance, I see nothing good.  In fact, I wish to share with you all a dream I had.  Take it as a portent of terrible things to come.  Or the dreams of an aging scholar.

I saw a skull, carved of stone.  Stone that was alive, and heaved and breathed like a sleeping horse made of marble.  The skull was just a piece of a larger stone.  In its mouth, a symbol, ancient and profound.  I looked up its meaning … it meant in Xendrixia: the Infinite.  The stone glowed and around it, from the shadows, were new creatures born.  Creatures that had never existed, and should never be.  I reached out to touch the skull, but just as I felt the spark of some other-magic, just before my fingertips touch the warm, pulsating stone, I awoke. 

I write this, hand written and rushed.  I do not know why I write this, or how many will read it.  But I have at least written it.

~ Jacobi Bladeback



14.11.14

IHAO on ... Interstellar



I just am not really sure how to tackle this movie review.  Not because I don't have the words, because I do, I absolutely do.  And not because I don't know what I think and feel, because I am positive about those as well.  It is because I have very little faith my words will make a difference.  Some films are just going to be seen, regardless of any critic's review, and most of those critics have a much wider audience than I do.  It seems, I don't know, futile? to talk about just how poorly made this movie is.  And yes, it is incredibly poorly made.  This is a bad movie.  How bad?

*inhales*

Well, that's the problem, see.  I really don't like going into spoilers, but I have to all but spoil this movie to really talk about what makes it so bad.  It is a science fiction film where the science all seems to be mumbo jumbo garbage, almost none of it makes sense, and even if it was accurate, despite a very few visuals, it comes across as completely idiotic.  The theme of the movie is one of the most cliched themes in film history; I'm talking Disney would be ashamed.  The plot is mostly a bore.  The camera work is mediocre at best, and many many shots I've seen Go Pro cameras mounted on the outside of cars driving around do it better.  The acting is fine, in fact there is only one scene I would even call good acting.  There was only about a thirty minute stretch in this 169 minute mess that was really truly enthralling, invigorating, interesting, and tense.  But then we go back to cliche-land.  The plot is at best dull and at worst completely convenient and relentlessly stupid.  The climax of the film is simple just stupid.  The costuming and timeline of the film is atrociously un-thought-out, as we are in a future, and then a further future, and then a FURTHER future, and everyone still wears regular old clothes that we wear now.  The sound mixing ... my god, the sound mixing is absolutely atrocious.  Probably 1/5 of the dialogue is completely drowned out by the score.  And the score itself just does not match with the emotion or action taking place in any given scene.

Nolan has grown bloated in his reach and power.  He reminds me of George Lucas.  I highly doubt anyone is telling him "no" any longer.  He makes visually appealing films that hit all the emotional beats you want in a movie, but as soon as the movie is over every single aspect of the movie is just riddled with terrible terrible problems.  Interstellar is like a beautiful mansion that has termites in all its beams: it looks great, is enormous in scope, but just scratch the surface a little bit and you not only see the holes, but it is impossible to keep the entire thing from falling apart.  Christopher Nolan, for all intents and purposes, made a Michael Bay film minus stupid comedy, adding stupid emotional nonsense.

Blew your mind.

This science fiction film is lacking in science.  This great cast in lacking in scene quality.  This great composer is lacking in tact and finesse.  This great director is lacking in subtlety.

The only two good things I can say about this film, at all, the sole compliments I can give Interstellar are: the editor did an excellent job, as the 169 minutes never felt long or dull - stupid, yes, eye-rollingly stupid, absolutely yes, but it did not feel long; and the visuals look for the most part good ... though in our theater, that was supposed to be showing it in IMAX quality HD, it looked like it was all in 720p or even lower quality, with a very fuzzy film grain.

I implore you, all of you reading this, DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE.  It is a waste of every single cent and minute of your time.  The longer I sit and think about it, the worse and worse it gets.  It is a terrible, terrible movie.

Grade: D--

12.11.14

IHAO on ... the Boxtrolls



Claymation is a really cool medium, especially nowadays.  It takes so much work and so much artistry for something that could be done just as easily, maybe easier, in CGI animation.  Really good Claymation makes you wonder "how did they do that?!" and makes very real looking things happen, because it is happening instead of being all computers.  The craft is really cool, is what I'm saying.  It also does not immediately make a film good.

The Boxtrolls is the perfect example of a conceit in film called "dissonance."  It is where the parts of a film, while perhaps all good in quality individually, when brought together are all rubbish.  There are good things, there are bad things, there are inbetween things, and none of it feels particularly well joined into a cohesive whole.  The voice actors are all well and good, but are reading things a little campier than the script intends, while in turn the script is much more whimsical than the direction of the film plays it which is basically straight without jokes, more like an action film, and then that is dissonant from the art direction, which is gothic and victorian and surprisingly dark with very very little humor to it at all.  As an example, let's just look at our bad guy.  He is played by Sir Ben Kingsley, who does a super super good job playing this dark, brooding, gothic evil character, but the script has him cross-dressing and dying (spoilers) by cheese induced farts and bloating like this is a madcap farce, but then the art direction has him become this truly terrifying Quasimodo-esque looking monster when he is having his allergic reactions.  None of those things really mesh together.  And that happens all throughout the movie.

The plot of the thing is that there are these Boxtrolls, and in this town that is obsessed with cheese and hats as status symbols, a red hat is promised a white hat if he kills all the Boxtrolls.  The Boxtrolls take a baby and raise him, and that young boy - named Eggs - has to save his family from the bad guy red hats..

There is something cool in that plot, yeah?  All right, maybe not for some, but I'm a Dungeons and Dragons, gothic literature loving kind of guy.  And this films gothic nature and dark tone don't turn me off.  But all the dissonance I was talking about above really does make it hard to like any of the film.  Which is a huge shame, because there is some stuff I liked overall in the movie, but really, the Boxtrolls parts for the most part are way better than the whole it creates.  I hate movies like this, middle of the road movies.  I can't even bring myself to be angry or excited about it.  They are just ... there.  I was pretty harsh on Big Hero 6 earlier for not being quite up to snuff for me in terms of scripting and plot and such, much like Gone Girl, but both those movies had strong directors that at least made a cohesive film.

Sorry Boxtrolls.

Grade: C

11.11.14

IHAO on ... Snowpiercer



Not too long ago, I started watching a new youtube series called Every Frame a Painting, which is an editor's view on film.  He talks about a lot of great stuff in there, and I highly suggest watching his stuff.  He did an episode on Snowpiercer two weeks ago, and I was intrigued.  Because I'll be honest, it looked stupid.  Nuclear winter kills almost everything on the planet, the only survivors are on a train that navigates the whole world and never stops running, and has been like that for 18 years.  That sounds stupid.  Then I started noticing the things involved.

It is a french graphic novel, directed by the super talented Bong Joon-ho, a Korean director who made Memories of Murder and The Host (not the crappy Twilight one, the Korean Kaiju horror film), and stars Tilda Swinton, Chris Evans, John Hurt, and Ed Harris, plus Octavia Spencer and Song Kang-ho (an AMAZING Korean actor, like ... 9 Korean Best Actor awards).  This is ... how did they get everyone involved?

Let me tell ya, it is because this movie is as close to perfect as you can get with that ridiculous premise.  Science fiction is always about allegory.  Children of Men was a pretty movie that had really stupid messages and allegory.  Snowpiercer hits its mark perfectly.  It talks about what life is worth, class systems, religious terrorism, law versus choice, perception of reality, and all sorts of other things.  And you would think that a film talking about all of those things would end up being crazy pretentious on top of it all, but this film is incredibly deftly handed.  Bong Joon-ho is very very good.  The film is funny when it needs to be, exciting, tense, thrilling, horrific, incredibly heartwrenchingly sad, abundantly triumphant!  It goes through all these emotions in a smart, logical way that makes this film just an amazing watch.

The acting in this movie is across the board great, from every single character and even the extras.  Tilda Swinton, who is not an actress I like, knocks it out of the park with an incredible performance.  Chris Evans, who has proven he is a good leading man, plays an incredibly dense leading protagonist character, and has a fantastic monologue and some great scenes with John Hurt and Song Kang-ho.  The film does an incredible job of seeding ideas without straight dialogue.  Many films think that storytelling and dialogue are one and the same.  Gone Girl did a great job of doing storytelling without doing dialogue.  But Snowpiercer is able to implant ideas in our minds without ever saying the words.  It allows us to make logical leaps, then plays on those leaps so we better understand the world and the film.  It was crazy how many of us viewing it together all made the same leaps without ever talking to each other or the film having a character directly say it.

Snowpiercer may just be the best made film I've seen all year, right up there with Guardians of the Galaxy.  It is certainly a new favorite.  I cannot cannot suggest this enough.  If you can buy into its premise and allow the film to take you on its journey, you will not be disappointed.

Grade: A+++

10.11.14

IHAO on ... A Monster in Paris



My wife loves all things French.  Food, decor, film, music, the whole she-bang.  One of my roommates loves animation, in just about every form.  I love gothic storytelling.  So this movie hit all our buttons, in different ways, and we all walked away feeling good about this movie, though some a little more good than others.

A Monster in Paris is a French animated film.  The story is that the Seine has flooded most of the low portions of Paris, and the people are looking for a new leader.  At the same time, two young men are looking for love.  After curiosity strikes and they accidentally create an enormous singing flea monster, the monster finds his way to burlesque (basically) where the main singer and star names him Francoeur.  It soon becomes a big monster hunt as our bad guy tries to make Francoeur out to be a monster, and our protagonists all look for love and music in their lives.

The film is very beautifully animated, and very fast paced.  A little too fast paced for me, actually, as I wanted much more of Francoeur and much more singing.  The film is not quite a musical, as there really are not enough musical moments for that to be the case, so it comes across as this really nice semi-gothic, Phantom of the Opera meets Jules Verne adventure movie.  It is absolutely a family friendly film.  It is clever, inventive, beautiful, and very well made.  I wish there was more music moments, and more of the beautiful beautiful Sean Lennon (yes, that Lennon, he's Yoko and John's son) singing.  I cannot give this film less than an A, but I am conflicted on how much I like the film.  In the end, I'll never forget it, and talk about with many people, and really, there isn't a better way to say you like something.



Watch this movie.  It'll will be worth your while.

Grade: A+

7.11.14

IHAO on ... Big Hero 6



This may just be the hardest review I've ever had to write.  Why?  Because my subjective opinion makes me really really look down on this perfectly fine and fun kids action movie.  Let me make that perfectly clear, because you will see me using more words talking about how much I don't like it: I like this movie, and it is a very fun and good kids movie.  It is not a great movie.  But it is a good movie for kids.

Why am I having such a hard time with this?  Because I love Big Hero 6, the comic book.  And as an adaptation, this movie is utter trash.  The only thing that even remotely resembles the comic book is the characters names and Go Go Tomago.  That's it.  The setup, the setting, the backgrounds of the characters, the characters powers, the character's costumes, the themes, the bad guys, the style of superhero story.  Every single other thing is so utterly different that there is no point in this even being an adaptation.  Any of those things I listed are fine to change in an adaptation - in fact, they should be changed.  Some.  Not completely.  Not to be 100% unrecognizable to the people who you are trying to draw in off the recognition of the name, because that name doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things unless you know the source material, which doesn't factor into the movie at all!!  In fact, if it wasn't called Big Hero 6, if it had different character names, and if Go Go's powers were replaced with some other powers, this movie I would have liked more.


I'm going to explain myself better, jeez.  I told you this one was hard to write!

Ok, the good things: it is beautiful.  This film has some location shots that I cannot fathom were not real locations, they are so beautifully put together.  The camerawork and direction of this film is fantastic.  The acting is ... well, it isn't great, but the more I think about it, the more some characters really stood out: Scott Adsit's Baymax easily, but also Daniel Henney as Tadashi.  Maya Rudolph and T.J. Miller were a little distractingly ad lib sounding, and Genesis Rodriguez and Damon Wayans Jr. were both a little distracting in general, overall the voice cast did a good job.  And to be fair, I am being really nitpicky.

The real problem, for me as a film critic and not just a lover of the source material (as bastardized as this movie is from it), is the script.  Beyond the adaptation, which I could talk about for another couple thousands words I'm sure, this script is very very strangely written.  It is not a team movie like you would think a movie that is titled after the name of the team in the movie should be.  No, it is about Hiro, a genius teenage robotics whiz-kid, and his relationship with his brother, Tadashi, and his brother's robot, Baymax.  That is what the movie is about.  All the other characters probably have ... a fourth the screentime that these three do.  The dialogue is hackneyed, the callbacks are plentiful and lame, and the story is very small feeling, which is unfortunate.  There area total of 6 people who worked on the script, not to mention the original character creators from the comics.  That is a lot of voices to have to juggle in one script, and doesn't even begin to mention all the producers' voices and the directors'.  The product of all these voices is a very marketable, very cliche, very ... watchable film.  The story twists aren't twisty at all, the characters are two-dimensional at best, the pacing is very very segmented, there is even a tie-in Fall Out Boy-sung montage section, the emotional beats are humdrum ...

But then I look back at my wife, who sat next to me at the movies.  And for her, these characters were all real, and enjoyable.  The story, while cliche and been-there-done-that-nothing-new-or-even-different territory, still hit home, and the emotions she felt for these characters, especially Baymax, were very genuine.



Like I said, this isn't a bad movie.  Nowhere near one.  It is a good movie.  It is a good movie, not a great one, that just happens to fail in ways that irk me much MUCH stronger than most viewers, I bet.  This is a film I will own, because I know my kids will enjoy it.  And I will sit down with them, and watch it.  This isn't Guardians of the Galaxy, which was a great superhero team movie that was able to balance humor, action, emotion, character, and be smart and clever in its writing, but it is a good place to start.  This is a hard one to grade.  But I feel good, because I have at least presented an honest critique, and my honest opinion.  And that's what you come here for, at least, every Monday through Friday at 10 AM.  I think.  Ok, now I'm the bad writer.  Let's ... just ... end this ... now.

See ya Monday.

Bye.

Grade: B+-

6.11.14

IHAO on ... Children of Men



Man oh man oh man oh man oh man.

This is the story of a man.  A man who used to be a father, but is now an emotionless (in general) protagonist.  A man who was a political activist, and still believes all those things, but is no longer one, because of reasons.  A man whose father and mother were political activists, as well as his former wife.  A man who is the only one that can save a woman, any woman, because this movie kills women and blames them for everything as easily as you or I spread butter on toast.



I found this movie insulting, boring, and lazy.  It is also a pretty well made movie.  It is not too often that I can say a thing like that.  This film, I can very much see people loving it, because it has some uniqueness to it.  But so many choices are made that are pretentious at best and masturbatory at worst.  Clive Owen is a terrible leading man, and Hollywood figured that out basically right after this movie.  Alfonso Cuaron is a talented director, but really really heavy-handed all movie.  He brings up many many themes, from feet, to immigration stuff, to racial war, to sexist stuff, and all of it is added to the film from its source material.

The actual plot of the movie goes something like this: the youngest person on earth was just killed.  For some reason unexplained, no children have been born in eighteen years.  This lead to everywhere but Britain being the worst place ever and Britain becoming a semi-military state of anti-immigration something something.  Whatever, Clive Owen shows up and has to help this political group smuggle a girl out of the country.  That girl is pregnant.  How, why, none of that matters.  Oh, the political group also double crosses everyone, and is bad guys.  Then they race to get to rendezvous point.

This movie is a very well made.  Cinematography, music, editing, all of that is well done.  But it just has so many terrible themes throughout.  All the religious imagery, all of the racist imagery, and all the sexist stuff!  I mean, the whole movie blames and kills off women, CONSTANTLY.  Here, here's an example: the thing that is making all the world unable to have children, in the movie it is 100% blamed on women.  Think about that.  That might not be immediately a problem, but combine that with the way women characters are treated in the film, it is really kind of harsh.  Whenever a director makes a film, they make choices.  Everything you see on the screen is a choice that was made.  So for there to be so much racial agenda pushing, like the Muslims all being crazy militants but the only immigrants who are, or all the religious stuff, or the weird foot theme that went through the middle section of the movie.

I don't like this movie.  I could continue to list more and more things I hated about the movie.  I can say some good things, like the one-ers (shots done all in one take) are impressive, but basically unnecessary with no purpose narratively beyond the fact that they did them.  See, even then I just said it as a bad thing.  Bah.

Grade: B--

5.11.14

IHAO on ... See No Evil 2



I really really liked See No Evil.  Like, super duper liked it.  I would dare say it is a GREAT movie ... except I know better.  Yeah, it is not the best written thing when it comes to dialogue, and it is VERY trope-oriented for a slasher film.  But what makes See No Evil great is that it uses all those tropes and either subverts them or embellishes them.  Jacob Goodnight is just a human, a big ole monster of one that isn't quite right in the head.  But you watch him run, you watch him think.  He is an incredibly interesting slasher villain.  And the camera never shies away from him, either.  We get to watch him think, and act.  He isn't one-liners, he isn't one-note, he is a complicated villain, that makes the stakes even higher for our young adults (they aren't teenagers at all) trying to survive.  See No Evil is easily my favorite slasher film.  Grade: B+++

I actually reviewed it earlier on this site, if you wanna go digging through archives to find when I did video reviews, cursed more, and lived in a different state.  I'm actually pretty proud of the See No Evil review.  But that is neither here nor there.  See No Evil 2 is awful.  It is no bueno.

"No bueno" is the actual words that I said after viewing it.  It was the only thing I could say.  See No Evil 2 = No bueno.

It makes me very mad and sad, because it ... it is just terrible.  It has so many flashbacks from the first film, and is already super short, but feels super long.  All the good stuff that they did with Jacob Goodnight before, now he is spouting out weird monologues and awful stuff.  The characters are all terrible.  The set is atrocious.  The deaths are unmemorable at best.  The plot is terrible, because there isn't one.

Here you wanna know the plot?  Jacob Goodnight, who the first movie absolutely 100% kills without any doubt in an over the top ridiculous way, didn't die, and is killing people in the morgue.  That's it.  That's the end.  There's no character arc, no story progression, he just kills everyone.  The only surprising, trope redefining thing that See No Evil 2 does is there is no survivors.  Spoiler.  Except not, because I don't want anyone to watch See No Evil 2.

I love supporting WWE films.  I watch all of them when I get the chance.  I buy them even more likely.  But this movie was trash.  The only good thing about it was Katharine Isabelle, better known as Ginger Snaps from the horror franchise of the same name.  She was always over the top and entertaining.  No other character, not a single one of the other characters were.  Well, that's not quite fair.  The film didn't really start going downhill until Michael Eklund died.  He was also good.  That's all the nice things I can say about this movie.  The deaths were lame, the props were lame, the costume was lame, the writing was lame, the direction was boring, the film was probably 1/10 flashbacks in an already ridiculously short 90 minute film, and it felt like it was probably another hour on top of that.  Avoid, and do not watch.  Go watch the original one.  That one is great!

Grade: F-

4.11.14

Arbitrary Numbers: Top # Episodes of Frasier



I am not a very good sleeper.  Insomnia, depression, blah blah blah, none of that personal stuff matters.  I just wanted to make you folks aware of that detail into my life as an opening for how I came about this Arbitrary Numbers.  I wasn’t old enough to watch or care about Cheers, and Frasier didn’t have the young pretty people that I was used to seeing in Friends and the like, so Frasier has always existed on the fringe of my mind, never having watched it.  Until recently.

I took a clowning class, and afterwards, was very excited.  I love clowning, especially classic duo comedy.  Perfect Strangers is a great example of that, they even have an entire clowning episode just them doing an homage to Laurel and Hardy.  My wife pointed me to an episode of Frasier that is just a six minute, no lines, clowning comedy act by David Hyde Pierce, who I’ve always liked but never really got to watch much of.  That episode was a catalyst for me to watch the entire series.  All eleven seasons.  I told ya, I don’t sleep much.  So while it took me awhile, I’ve finally finished.  And …

Ok, so talking about TV shows is hard.  It is hard to sum it up, especially a long show.  I’ve tried a few times, but never really gotten the knack of it for a long show.  So instead of talking about the show as a whole, which is very good, I’m going to just talk about my favorite episodes.  These are the episodes that stuck with me the most, because of their comedy, their storytelling, their acting, or some other reason.  They aren’t the only good episodes, far from it in fact, and I suspect that they may not be the best episodes for other people.  But they are my favorite.  So here we go, these are my …


Top 8 Episodes of Frasier (in ascending order)

Come on, give me some credit, I watched every season!


Number 8: Three Valentines

The episode that got me to want to watch Frasier, and it is one of my favorites.  Seems only fitting to put it on the list.  Really, this is only on here for the first six minutes, which are utter comedy perfection.  Niles has a date, and in an almost dialogue-less sequence of comedy, things start with a slightly off ironing line and end with an enormous fire, Niles passed out and half-naked, and the couch covered in gnocci.  It is a must watch, and for six minutes, it is well worth your time.  Hell, here, watch it now!



Number 7: Goodbye Seattle pt. 2

Frasier is a series that last a very long time.  Frasier as a character lasted even longer.  Eventually, there comes a time to finish things, and this episode does it well.  It is only the second part of a two-parter, and both parts are fine, but the emotion and acting in this episode is wonderful.  Frasier is mostly a very solid comedy about an egomaniac and a lot of miscommunication.  But when they do the emotional stuff, it always hits hard.  I very much resonated with the emotions of this show because of the great characters and writing, and watching the show end is emotional in all the right ways.  Instead of working like a live finale some sitcoms have done, they once more hit home the miscommunication aspects of the show, making all the characters think that Frasier is dying when he is merely moving.  It is a great little episode, with a fantastic framing fiction that gives a great twist to the entire series.


Number 6: Something Borrowed, Something Blue pt. 2

Another two-parter, but this one is important.  It is very important, because it is the first time that Daphne and Niles finally become a couple.  There's plenty of fantastic humor throughout as well as seven years of their relationship as will-they-won't-they status couple of the show.  These two had surprisingly good chemistry, and they slow-burned this relationship a LOT.  Almost too much, in fact, for me as a viewer.  But, I have to say, when they finally kissed, when they finally came together at Daphne's wedding that she runs from, it was an exciting, wonderful moment.



Number 5: Enemy at the Gate

A straight comedy episode, and man is it great!  There are two major plots here.  The first is about Frasier and Niles getting stuck in a parking garage because he is being forced to pay for a parking spot he did not park in, and it is infuriates him, so since the amount of time it requires to park is 20 minutes, he waits at the gate, holding everyone up, for the full twenty minutes.  That's right, this is a real-time episode, which is awesome.  Frasier many times can play like a staged theatre performance, and this one is no exception, though we also get to see them actually filming in the garage, with real people there.  Awesome arguments and banter between the brothers.  Then, in the B-plot, Roz has to do Frasier's show alone, and accidently mentions she and Frasier had sex, and spends the next twenty minutes fielding questions about it.  This episode was a delight after a small drought of really great episodes in the past few seasons.


Number 4: Daphne Returns

The actress that played Daphne, Jane Leeves, got pregnant in real life, as sometimes happens on shows.  In the story, Daphne and Niles had just started dating and being together, so they decided to run a eating disorder story that is paid off in this episode.  The actual trappings have Frasier and Niles go back through past episodes as observers, seeing the events of Niles' and Daphne's budding love.  We also learn the very very difficult conceit that Niles loves the idea of Daphne more than Daphne, and that idea must be broken from him.  This episode reminds of all the best moments of previous seasons, as well as a very very touching and realistic drama to round it out.


Number 3: Ham Radio

Frasier sometimes really does an amazing task of performing a basically stage show as a 22-minute sitcom.  This episode in particular does something that many episodes of Frasier only do a very small amount: play with the incredible ensemble supporting cast.  Gil, Bulldog, Nole, Kenny, the characters that work with Frasier and Roz are all incredible characters, and have been there since the very beginning almost.


This episode specifically deals with Frasier directing and writing a Radio Mystery that the ensemble and he put on, with all the egos flaring and ridiculous props and sound effects and acting and miming and ... it is hilarious.  One of the most hilarious episodes of Frasier, in my opinion.



Number 2: Rooms with a View

Frasier has been very good at playing up the comedy and the drama.  Mostly with Niles.  And this episode was the most heartwrenching and emotional episode of this show.  Niles has a heart attack, but doesn't realize it, and eventually is forced to go the hospital for surgery.  He very much may die, and we see our four main characters all reacting to it with him.  It is a devastating piece of acting, and beyond that we also get glimpses of the past in other rooms, where we see Niles and Frasier as children with Martin, where we see Roz's birth of Alice, and a view of the future with Niles and Daphne and their child.  I'm getting choked up thinking of it now.  Frasier is a powerful show with characters and actors you truly love, and this episode very easily could be my top episode.  And on some days, it is.  


Number 1: Ski Lodge

So why does the Ski Lodge episode take the number one slot?  Because it is the most perfect piece of comedy I have ever witnessed.  It is everything Frasier is about: relationships, miscommunication, egotism, small mistakes becoming enormous ones.  The Ski Lodge plays out like a classic farce.  Daphne, Niles, Frasier, and Martin all get to go to a ski lodge.  Daphne brings her slutty model friend, and the very attractive olympic skier stays with them.  And each person is interested in a different person in the house, with Frasier into Daphne's friend, her friend into Niles, Niles into Daphne, Daphne into the ski instructor, and the ski instructor being gay and interested in Niles.  Then you add Martin having his hearing messing up and adding more confusion, and the two incredible new characters with incredible actors who are only in this episode (which is a huge shame, as the french ski instructor is probably one of my favorite characters on the show).

This episode makes me want to perform it as a play!  It is just perfect, from top to bottom.


.:^:.                    .:^:.                    .:^:.

I love all the episodes I watched, which means all of them.  These are merely an arbitrary ranking of the eight I wanted to talk about.  There are many great characters, actors, and plot lines.  But if you don't want to jump into eleven seasons of a sitcom, I 100% suggest all of these episodes, especially the pure comedy ones.  I do not think you will be wasting your time at all.

 Also, there was a time Frasier was a Murder Clown.


3.11.14

IHAO on ... the Maze Runner



Young Adult has a series of very interesting little tropes to themselves.  Most of the young adult films are female focused, featuring Mary Sue protagonists, fighting against some form of oppressive society, generally being forced to kill folks.  The protagonists are always somehow special and different from everyone else, as well as having to figure out their own personal choices and more than one romantic opposites who are vying for the protagonist's heart. Maze Runner is a "young adult" film that breaks every single one of those tropes, and really all the young adult tropes ... until its last few minutes.  I actually hate calling Maze Runner "young adult" at all, because it is a mature, sophisticated, and interested science fiction film that just happens to have young adults as the protagonists, antagonists, really all the characters.

Plot: Thomas, wakes up in an elevator, going up into a glade in the middle of an enormous maze.  There, he learns the society the boys there have set up to survive, as there are monsters in the maze.  But somehow, things are different, things are changing.

I would love to give more, but there actually isn't a lot more plot to share without getting into spoiler territory.  Luckily, the plot is not the best part of the film.  In fact, the plot itself is pretty predictable for a science fiction story like this.  But that predictability is not necessarily bad.  How?  Because of the actual film-making.  The movie does an incredible job of shooting its scenes to really get us into the mindset of Thomas.  We experience what he experiences, how he experiences it, and the film is made all the better for it.  This is a TENSE film, with some really emotional scenes and just ... it is a really well made film.  The dialogue is solid, the plot is perfectly fine, but the acting is glorious by all these kids, especially Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Will Poulter, and our lead, Dylan O'Brien.  Wes Bell, a virtually unknown in directing does a MASTERFUL job.

I have two complaints about this film.  First, the finale.  Hard to not give spoilers, so I will be as vague as possible: this film would have been better served if it was not the first part of a young adult series, because the finale made this film feel just like every other young adult film out, which is awful, because this movie was AMAZINGLY good (if you could suspend your disbelief for the genre stuff) until the exposition dump and sequel bait of the finale.  Secondly, the only female character in the whole film would have been better suited to the story if she had been a box.  Yeah, she is more than pointless.  She is a waste.

^^^ = better love interest than Teresa.

The sequel coming has me a little worried, because the finale of this perfectly good film in my opinion really sours the movie.  But with Wes Bell making it, and the same kids for the most part, I am going to give it a chance.  A hesitant one, but one nonetheless.

I loved this film.  I think it is a really really good one, and one I will 100% own.  I do not want my kids to miss this film.  It is adult in nature, but perfectly acceptable for older kids.

Grade: A+