IHAO on ... Chinese Zodiac starring Jackie Chan

There was a rule in my household.  A very simple rule that seems to have worked for all movies at all times: Jackie Chan movies are good movies.  I've bought many movies based on this premise.  I have yet to be wrong.  Well, had.  Because today, on the evening I write this, this rule of cinema law became broken.

Chinese Zodiac is terrible.

It is a real bad movie.  Awkward camera shots, really terrible editing, awful dialogue and acting, weird music, and worst of all, most of the action is just ... boring.  Or even worse, it lacks the special quality that makes Jackie Chan scenes so much fun.  At the very end of the movie, in the Guinness Record setting credits, you see a stunt fail, like you normally do for Jackie Chan films in the credits as fun bloopers and proof of hard work.  And it is just ... a maybe two foot fall from a picture frame hung from the ceiling like a swing, and Jackie just laying on his back, getting up with all the speed and grace of a tortoise, medics and actors all around him trying to help him up.  It was the saddest, most discouraging thing I had ever seen as a Jackie Chan fan.  Chinese Zodiac makes me just so so sad.

The year of our lord 2012 - the day that Jackie Chan officially became too old.

So what's the plot?  Lazy.  Really really lazy.  The whole movie is lazy from a story perspective.  JC - yes, that is really Jackie Chan's character's name in the film - runs a smuggling group that steals priceless artifacts.  They are hired to get some bronze statueheads that look and are treated like they are as heavy as a standard American football.  The bad guys trick them, some weird political stuff, volcano sequence, happy ending after that.  Weird action beats all throughout, with only two true Jackie fight scenes, both a little inventive but nowhere near worth watching the film for.

I am disappointed more than anything with this movie.  I have lived 30 years of a life with the fact in my brain that the worst Jackie Chan film was the Tuxedo, which wasn't too bad, or Rush Hour 3, which was bad, but still slightly watchable.  That was the worst.  That was the bottom of the barrel.  And now, my ignorance has been shattered.  Chinese Zodiac exists, and is terrible.  Unwatchably terrible.  Edits don't make any sense, the movie has both too much plot and moves way too fast, I couldn't tell you a single name other than JC, and the action beats are all ridiculous at BEST and indeed get to a point that is ... well, pointless at the end.

Really, do not give this a watch.  If you must anyway, you may find some joy in a few minutes of action in this almost two hour long slog, but they are not worth it.  Please, just go to youtube for them.  Camera fight and couch fight should do it for you.  Just ... leave this film alone.  I do not want you to experience the deep melancholy I have now reached.  I watch these films to save you the pain.

On top of this, One Piece Collection 11 got pushed back to February.  :'(

Grade: F

IHAO on ... Best (and Worst) Films of the Year 2014

I’ve built up to this one for … really no reason.  I mean, I am mostly a film critic here at I Have an Opinion, but I review other stuff, too, and arguably the things I get the most views on are wrestling reviews, and those I did yesterday, but … whatever!  I want to do Best Movies of the Year, all leading up to the actual best film I saw this year, as well as my thoughts on what makes that movie so good.  And I suppose I'll do the Worsts, too, just for fun!

So I suppose I’ll split the "bests" into two categories: best movies I saw all year not in theaters, and then the best films OF the year.  I’ll link to them all and just make life fun and entertaining while I do it.  So let’s take a gander first at every film I’ve reviewed this year that I gave an A+ or higher, all with links now so I don't have to later:

Not in Theaters: Snowpiercer, A Monster in Paris, Saw III, The Human Race, Bee Movie, Altered States, White House Down, Odd Thomas, Rocky III, Rocky II, Rocky, EdTV, Someone Like You, The Wrestler, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Flypaper, Lovelace

In Theaters: Penguins of Madagascar, John Wick, Birdman or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance, Maze Runner, Guardians of the Galaxy, Hercules, Oculus, Captain America: the Winter Soldier

I suppose now, I’m just going to go ahead and to the top 5, counting down to the best in each category, and talk a little more about them!  It should be known that this list is going to be a cumulative list.  By that I mean that it will be my best to combine both what I think is the highest quality and what I liked the most.   You with me?  Fantastic, let’s do this.

Not in Theaters Number 5: Rocky III

I loved watching the Rocky films this year.  It was so amazing to learn that my opinion of what a Rocky film was, based on the clips of III and IV I had seen, had no real relation to what the series is actually about.  That said, Rocky III did the sports drama the absolute best I’ve ever seen, without losing any of the character drama that Rocky gave us.  It picked up its pace and became a fantastic film in its own rights, the last great Rocky film.  Clubber Lang is an incredible character, the story so perfectly finishes up the major trilogy of the Rocky stories, and the color and film work is just fantastic.  I really love the franchise now, and Rocky III just makes it into the top 5.

Not in Theaters Number 4: Lovelace

Amanda Seyfried was phenomenal.  She deserved an Oscar nod.  And on top of that Lovelace is a complicated film.  It isn’t just a biopic about the woman from Deepthroat.  It is a really well written, well acted, well plotted film.  We don’t just amble along linearly, no, instead the film works its magic through excellent editing and pacing to really help us the audience get a deeper experience.  Lovelace was an amazing film, and I am so happy to have seen it and to now own it.

Not in Theaters Number 3: The Wrestler

With all the wrestling talk I’ve done this year, I am so happy to have finally checked this film out.  Darren Aronofsky continues to be one of my favorite directors.  This is a quiet film that is real and touching.  You see real professional wrestlers talking backstage, the curtain behind an industry that is still shrouded in some small bits of mystery in a fascinating way.  It is a character driven film, which I always love, and Randy the Ram lives on as a real character.  I believe that it is him.  Watching this film and learning more and more about life for older wrestlers, it is heartbreaking and personal.  It is an amazing film.

Not in Theaters Number 2: Rocky

Yeah, the third film made it on the list too.  And Rocky II sits at number 6, just so you know.  Rocky won Best Picture in 1976, but also Best Director, and even more interesting, Best Editing.  Best editing nowadays is a joke category, generally given to the films that indeed have the most edits in them.  But when really treated like it is an art form, excellent editing creates tension, it drives story, and it fuels emotion.  Rocky is an incredible film, an incredible drama about one of the most likable characters in film history. 

Recently, I was watching a video that pondered the question: “If aliens came to earth, and you could show all of them one film to sum up all of humanity, what movie would you show them?”  And Rocky was my answer.  The story of the true meaning of the human spirit, not to win or destroy, but to survive, to go the distance.  The story of a man who wasn’t the brightest, nowhere close in fact, but a man who worked and tried, and was given a chance.  The story of a man who fell in love, and who goes through the entire human spectrum of emotion.  A perfect film.

Not in Theaters Number 1: Snowpiercer

So how can another movie top a perfect film from 1976?  By being a more stylized, deeper, more thought-provoking thrill ride of emotion, color, and crisp art.  Snowpiercer IS art.  It is the best modern film I’ve seen this year, maybe the best actual film I’ve ever seen.  It is deep, it is funny, it is violent, it is thoughtful, it is mesmerizing, it is filled with amazing characters, it is chockfull of tension, it is supremely well directed and edited, it has amazing music, it has amazing visuals, it has amazing acting, it has amazing actors.  It is dark, but hopeful.  It is creepy, but understandable.  It is human, but entirely foreign.  And it shocked me with how many clever turns and twists it could take without ever resulting in cheap storytelling or plot convenience.  It is the best film I saw this year … not in theaters.

((-=-))

I’m incredibly happy with that list.  But I have two more lists to go.  First, the best films OF the year!  The films that I saw in theaters that blew me away and were absolutely ones I want to own (and many of them I do!), I want to share with others, and deserve awards.

Number 5: Oculus

Just narrowly beating out Captain America: the Winter Soldier for the number 5 slot is one of the scariest, most intense, most inventive new horror films I’ve ever seen.  See, I’m a Dungeons and Dragons lover, and my game world of choice is Ravenloft, a gothic horror inspired set.  And Oculus hits every single one of my buttons, and does something that very few films has ever done well: it uses perception and illusion as the ultimate crux of the horror.  Oculus is absolutely terrifying, and beyond that, has Karen Gillan giving a really fantastic performance.  The film isn’t gory, it isn’t foul, it isn’t sexist, it doesn’t have any of the pitfalls most horror movies fall into.  It is clever, horrifying, and an amazing experience. 

Number 4: Maze Runner

This is probably controversial, and in fact I may be the only film critic to put this film this high on their year’s end lists.  But I don’t care, I think Maze Runner doesn’t get enough credit.  Maze Runner is deceptively simple, and is more than likely ignored for that fact.  Its simplicity is not a negative, but a positive, as its story is fueled by its simple setup of a dystopian future.  The film is societal in nature, with incredible, memorable characters, all of which were young adults!  That is NOT a common statement.  The film is also beautiful, with an amazing sense of size and color without feeling unnatural, even though you know it is.  The last … few minutes of plot are truly unnecessary, and a bit of a let down, but they make up such a small percentage that even they don’t kill the film for me.  I really suggest everyone give this clever, yet simple science fiction film a chance.

Number 3: John Wick

I want to curse and yell and shoot guns in the air!  This is the best straight action movie I’ve seen in probably 5 years.  It is cool and sophisticated and clever and original.  It has fantastic acting from all sorts of guys that many do not give a chance, especially Keanu Reeves who is a criminally underrated actor that was finally able to really show all his skill and all his range in a film.  The action sequences are tight, exhilarating, and awesome to behold.  The plot is an awesome take on a pretty standard story that breathes new life into the film.  The villains are vile, and our hero is almost as bad, but yet we root for him!  The movie does such a tremendous job of getting us into John Wick’s head and really falling for the character.  This film could have easily gotten number 2, and some days I could even argue it was the best film I saw all year.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy

Of course this movie is on the list.  In fact, me not putting it at number 1 might shock some of my readers.  Guardians of the Galaxy is the first space opera since the original Star Wars films that actually worked.  It is grandiose, it is hilarious, it is action-packed, it has just a touch of romance, it has amazing visuals you just want to sink into, it has memorable characters that will never leave the zeitgeist, and it is more than just a standard summer blockbuster.  It is a smart movie with a theme and a plot that culminates not with a fire or a storm, but with a whisper, to paraphrase the bible some what sacrilegiously.  Every time I watch the movie, I am in awe.  It is in fact the only movie I saw in theaters more than once this year.  A movie that beats this one would have to be something really special …

Number 1: Birdman, or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance

Birdman is the most well-made film I saw all year.  Period.  Every actor, every scene, every line, every performance, every bit of the amazingly cool jazz drum score, every  camera move, every special effect, every. Single. Detail. Of this film was thought out and superbly crafted.  This film is one of the hardest films to talk about this year as well.  It is a film that every time I talk about it and some asks me to tell them what it is about, I have to ask “do you mean ‘what’s the plot’ or ‘what’s the movie about?’”  It is a deep, artistic film that covers every single aspect of the film making and dramatic process, from writing to production to acting to directing to set building to being a PA to personal lives of the creative to what it means to be past your prime to journalism and criticism to being an audience member.  Every single person who has ever been a part of a play or a musical or a dance recital or in some part of the film making process needs to see this film.  It is absolutely my film of the year, even more so because it represents for me a profound and dense statement about films this year, with its focus on how you interact with the world, what entertainment becomes popular, and what all work goes into a production.  Michael Keaton is my actor of the year.  Alejandro González Iñárritu is my director of the year.  Birdman is my cinematography of the year.  And it is absolutely the film of the year!

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Well, that was fantastic.  I love positive thoughts an opinions.  And … I know everyone loves  a train wreck of awfulness.  So let me talk about the worst films I was forced to watch this year, and my pick for the worst film of 2014.

Just like before, here’s a wonderful list of every film I gave at least an F- to : See No Evil 2, Saw: the Final Chapter, MacGruber, Popeye, Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat, The Starving Games, Leonard Part 6, Brazil

Here we go, Top 5 worst films I’ve seen this year.  God help me.

Worst Film Number 5: Saw: the Final Chapter

This movie makes me so sad.  It just … it craps on every single thing that the entire six films before it had done as a franchise.  Its film quality, its storytelling, its creativity, its acting … Ugh.   All of the Saw films before this one had some surprisingly good actors in them.  But in this film, Cary Elwes is officially a WORSE actor for having been in it, and he is the BEST PART of this abomination.  How is it not any farther up this list?  Because I can at some point see myself watching this again, because no matter what happens, it is a part of a franchise, and I will eventually watch it once more.  The next four I will never, EEEEEEEEEEVER watch a-gain!

Worst Film Number 4: Popeye

Rest in Peace Robin Williams.  With that out of the way, this film is horse-crap.  It doesn’t make any sense, is filled with terrible musical moments and no dancing of any worth, none of the fun of a Popeye cartoon is in it at all, and is just plain old ugly.  Even Williams’ Popeye is muttering hard to understand fool more akin to Donald Duck on Quaalude than Popeye.  I will give it this, it has real nice sets.  In fact, that’s the only reason it isn’t any higher on this list.

Worst Film Number 3: MacGruber

Good cinematography.  Completely wasted, always moving, always fake and “cinema” looking but perfectly fine in skill cinematography.  That is the only good thing I have to say about the worst SNL film ever made.  They took a sketch that always took place only in the countdown of a bomb going off and wrapped an entire film around the ad libs and curse words and sex jokes of one of the least funny actors in recent SNL history.  Don’t get me wrong, Will Forte is a funny writer, he wrote for That 70s Show and such.  But this film is utter trite nonsense and garbage.  The fact that there are two films worse than this that I saw this year clearly means that this year was filled with pain like you wouldn’t believe.

Worst Film Number 2: Leonard Part 6

Ugh.  If MacGruber is a parody film done wrong, then Leonard Part 6 is all the deleted scenes from that terrible parody sprayed down with skunk stench and let out to dry.  Almost literally actually, since there are ACTUAL BLOOPERS MONTAGED INTO THE FILM.  This film makes Ghost Dad look like an Oscar contender for Bill Cosby.  And that is not a good thing.  I cannot say a single good thing about this movie except that it isn’t as bad as …

Worst Film Number 1: Dr. Seuss’ the Cat in the Hat

That is this whole movie.  That right there.   Look at it.

Desperate attempts to make us laugh.  Mike Myers laughs so much in the movie in this vain attempt to make me believe he is telling jokes.  He isn’t, though.  He isn’t telling any jokes, or doing anything even remotely related to humor. 

This is without a doubt the worst film I’ve seen this year.  In fact, it is probably the worst film I’ve ever seen.  This film is the benchmark for terrible films.  If a movie is worse than this … I’m going to be very upset and very depressed, because I know I’m going to have to watch it in Torture-Jessel-a-Thon 2 next year.

Ahem.

And now, ladies and gentle-readers, I would like to present to you, the worst film of the year.  The movie that I saw in theaters and absolutely was terrible beyond every single other film …

The Worst Film of 2014: Dumb and Dumber To

I could just post all the gifs again, but really, just follow this link.  That is an entire review summed up in ten or so pictures.  This movie was awful.  And even worse, it wasn’t awful enough to have the courtesy and be worse than any of the other five movies on the worst list.  That almost makes me madder.  To be a movie that is so incredibly stupid that it is worse than Interstellar this year absolutely deserves you an award.  The “Go Away and Die” award.

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Thank you everybody, I hope you enjoyed this film wrap-up of the year 2014.  But I’m not done.  Tomorrow, I have a list of 48 categories for “best of the year” that I need to answer, including everything from “best episode of television” to “best seasoning.”  Yeah, it is gonna be a weird stupid list.  I’ll see you tomorrow!

IHAO on ... a bunch of movies!! - 26 Reviews

Hello everyone! 

Time is an enemy to everyone who is trying to do anything important.  Or at least time-sensitive.   I love being able to write reviews for everyone about everything, current, old, wrestling, television, just on everything, as well as writing all the sillier or more intricate reviews, like the Arbitrary Numbers and the Fantasy Bookings.  But that leaves very little time for me to be able to actually cover everything.  I can’t put out two reviews a day, because that is too much to ask you folks to read.  And I only put out 5 a week, but every week there is probably on average one new film or wrestling event to writing about, and that takes a slot.  Then there are weeks with many films, like I’ve had recently and will be moving into with Oscar season continuing.

So I came up with an idea.  I asked my facebook to give me a list of movies that they did not think I had seen.  I absorb entertainment and media like a sponge, and have watched a LOT of movies.  This way I can give shorter reviews on a bunch of things people might not think I’ve seen, as well as have a fun bank of things to come back to when I need inspiration.  In the nice long list of films, I probably saw a fifth of them, which is a great number.  So I’m going to review all 26 of the movies that were suggested that I have seen.  This will be a rapid fire barrage of reviews.  Let’s get going!

 Dinosaurs! – Nicole Clockel
An edu-tainment Claymation-y fun short about dinosaur life.  I remember specifically sitting with my best friend at the time, Karl, when we were 7 or 8 at his house, and between playing TMNT SNES games or with figures or running around outside, we watched this little video.  I’ve seen it since then as well, but it is a silly thing to talk about.  It is purposefully silly, and all kinds of weird, but really enjoyable.  It is on youtube, and I’ll linky it here.  I definitely think it is worth your time, because of nostalgia for some of you and just for fun in general.  It isn’t great by any means, but it is fun.
Grade: C+



Rat Race – Lenton Lees 
The semi-rebooting, more “another version” of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, Rat Race features an incredible cast, and is a big ole chase/race comedy.  It is hilarious, has some heart, and some awesome music.  It is probably one of the best comedies to introduce people to a bunch of great comedians all at once, including Mr. Bean, Seth Green, Whoopi Goldberg, John Cleese, Breckin Mayer, Amy Smart, and Jon Lovitz.  Really enjoyable, though it doesn’t quite shoot that extra mile.  It sits in a nice comfortable zone that most good comedies do, where it is real good, but the actual film never tries to be any greater than that.  Highly recommend.
Grade: B++

The Longest Yard – Lenton Lees
Wrestlers!  Sandler the last time he was funny!  Except there’s sequences of it totally not being funny, too, because Sandler has to always ALWAYS write his characters as having enormous penises or getting the hottest women in the world.  But that’s fine, because that has very little actual impact on the movie.  This is probably one of my favorite sports films I’ve seen.  It actually goes that extra mile in film quality and technique, as well as just having incredible actors in Burt Reynolds, William Fichtner, Terry Crews, and a slew of awesome wrestler … not “cameos” as everyone’s screentime and character weight is larger than that.  It is an incredibly fun sports movie with a moving story, it is really funny, and even though it blatantly steals an entire scene from the British remake of the Longest Yard, Mean Machine, it is still a really fun movie that is also really good.  Probably my favorite Sandler film, and easily the one I think that is his best film.
Grade: A++

Ernest Saves Christmas – Lenton Lees
Here’s the thing about Ernest: you either love Jim Varney’s shenanigans, or you just don’t get it or see a point.  I personally find Ernest endearing.  In fact, this is the first Ernest film I saw, which is good, because it is also easily his highest budgeted, best looking, best acted, best directed, BEST Ernest film.  It tells a great story, has fun comedy, and is a Christmas classic in the Jessel household.  On top of that, I do believe it has my absolute favorite Santa Claus in film, played by the same dude who is the Sultan and Jasmine’s father in Aladdin!  He is perfect as Santa, and adds some amazing gravitas to what could have just been a frivolous and silly kids movie.  It isn’t one of the best movies ever made, and the effects are absolutely dated, but it is a wonderful movie.
Grade: B++

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut – Lenton Lees
Trey Parker and Matt Stone have made all of two things I like: South Park and Book of Mormon.  I do not like BASEketball, I don’t like Cannibal: the Musical, I don’t like Orgazmo.  But this movie is excellent.  It is an amazingly well made musical parody of just about every single style of musical, from Les Mis to Disney to Sound of Music.  The story itself has a purpose to exist as a film because it is about censorship, parental choices, and really nice satire of the “crusade” against cursing.  I really think this movie does everything right.  And its unique animation style makes it in a sense timeless, which is great!  Great movie.
Grade: A+

Much Ado About Nothing (Whedon version) – Lenton Lees
Not every movie that is a good movie I like.  Wes Anderson movies prove that.  As does this one.  One of the best things about Shakespeare is that every adaptation is 100% the director’s intention.  And some of Joss’ choices are awesome.  And some are not.  I think Whedon was able to really elevate the parts of Claudio and Don Pedro fantastically, making both parts have a lot more weight and interest than most versions of the show.  He also made some very good comedic choices early in the film.  But very quickly, the comedy of this comedy goes away.  And that’s … just … wrong.  Much Ado About Nothing is a comedy, pure and simple.  And Whedon treated it as a drama.  And that is a disservice to a lot of the characters, a lot of the language, and a lot of other choices.  Dogberry wasn’t particularly funny, even though he’s written to be.  Don Jon isn’t very menacing because everything is treated so seriously so he isn’t a foil.  Benedict and Beatrice don’t have a banter-filled romance because the banter is more catty and snide than humorous and joyful.  There are some bits I really enjoyed, generally whenever he had the actors get more physical, because otherwise they just pontificate into the wind at each other.  In the end, Whedon focused on the “Much Ado” while forgetting the point that it is all about “Nothing.”
Grade: B-

Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars! – Jason Abraham
I’ve been saving this one for a Nanarsday review, but I’m MORE than happy to talk about this HORRIBLE MOVIE now!  It is a gloriously terrible movie about a man who has sex with an alien vacuum cleaner, and it becomes a rapist and rapes a woman, who gives birth to a human-vacuum hybrid baby.  It is gross, and hilarious, and terrible.  One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and I LOVE IT!  I found it randomly years ago, and it is a pride of my collection of films because of its ridiculous-ness.  Really, if anyone ever wanted to watch it, FIND ME and we’ll watch it that second.
Grade: F+

Chasing Amy – Jason Abraham
I have a love/hate relationship with Kevin Smith.  I either love his films and buy into them completely, or hate them and find them worthless.  Chasing Amy falls in the worthless category.  The script is preachy, the situation is so narrow that no one can relate to it, making the characters unlikable and just complainers.  Smith doesn’t direct Affleck very well here, which is crazy considering how great Affleck is in other Smith films.  It just … I just hate this movie.  Give me Dogma, Mallrats, or Clerks II any day.
Grade: C--


Dawn of the Dead; Day of the Dead; Land of the Dead – Tony Daniel
I love this little bit.  I may have never seen Night of the Living Dead, but I have absolutely seen and own all of the Romero trilogy of Dead films.  Comes with being married to a zombie lover.  Let’s touch on all of these:

Dawn of the Dead – This film is perfect.  Acting, tension, shots, characters, story, everything.  This may just be my favorite zombie movie, period.  I was blown away because what I THOUGHT this movie was and what it actually is are two VERY different things.  The effects are real old and not very good looking, but I like to see them like a time capsule of effects, and completely buy into them.  I say it all the time, but dated-ness is not a real negative, and these may not be the best effects, but they are great effects for what they are.  I cannot recommend this film more highly.  Grade: A++

Day of the Dead – I thought this would be my favorite, and I do really like it.  It is much more of what I thought it would be.  And it easily has one of the best villains a zombie film has ever had in it.  It also explores the zombie mythos more, which is very cool, and Romero continues to push the envelope with his characters.  It has better effects and is really interesting … but just not as good as Dawn.  I don’t know if I can put my finger really on why, but I think it is something to do with our protagonist, who while being interesting just isn’t as good of an actress, and the pacing of the film itself is a little off, leading to some boring stretches.  But the effects, and the other characters, are all well worth price of admission here.  Grade: B+

Land of the Dead – So Dawn of the Dead got a remake, and Romero was all “I can make a ‘modern’ zombie film better than that.”  So he continued the story of his world of zombies.  And man, I love it.  It isn’t as good as the last few, but it has some GREAT characters, some awesome world building, and while the plot is less interesting, the overall effect leaves me very happy.  I love this movie, even if it began the decline in quality of Romero’s writing.  Grade: B++

The Man Who Knew Too Little – Beth Lyons
This comedy was actually suggested to me by Beth probably a year or so ago, so I bought it, and I watched it.  I wish I had been writing reviews then, because then I wouldn’t have to think about this movie again.  Oh, yeah, that should make it obvious, I don’t like the movie.  I don’t think it is bad, I just didn’t find most of its comedy very good.  The entire idea is fine, and some of the scenes are fine, but the whole product just leaves me cold, as our protagonist has to be continually stupider and stupider to allow the very thin premise of “believes all the spy stuff is fake, accidentally gets caught in real spy stuff” to continue.  The climax of the film is just long and tedious with the whole Russian dance sequence and the bomb and … ugh.  I just did not care for the film, and really do not think it is very good, and mostly forgettable.
Grade: C--

The Bank Job – Jason Schmidt
Good ole Jason Statham.  Action star, good actor, British.  Ok, so Bank Job isn’t a GREAT movie.  It’s a real good one, though.  Based on a real heist, with some good actors and some great camera work, the film works.  I’ve seen a lot less memorable Statham films, though this one only barely jumps above that pack.  It isn’t great, but it is fun.  And if you are a history person or a heist person, this one may do even more for you.  For me, it was just a good movie.
Grade: B

Jackie Brown – Jason Schmidt
Jackie Brown is a neat little movie.  That actually sounds more belittling than I mean it to.  It has a slow first act, but not a BAD first act, just a slow one, that builds really well to an amazingly well made finish.  Lots of great actors all throughout the film, including the wonderful Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson playing the character that we all actually attribute to him in the modern zeitgeist, and Robert De Niro who may have … 8 lines in the whole movie?  But it is still one of his best roles.  I really like this movie.  It isn’t the easiest sit because of that long first act that really needed an editor, and Robert Foster is good but doesn’t quite keep me as interested for those long sections as Tarantino has found Christoph Waltz can.  But it is still a very good, very ambitious movie.
Grade: B+

State and Main – Jason Schmidt
David Mamet is a playwright, director, and a screenwriter and director.  He is known for things like Glengarry Glen Ross and American Buffalo, but he’s done a lot of other stuff.  State and Main is one of those other stuffs.  It … isn’t particularly good.  There are bits and pieces I really like in there, but there is also some stunt casting that does nothing for me and some of the comedy beats come across VERY Mamet, in that every character rushes through their dialogue as fast as they can.  The actual movie is about the filming of a movie in a little town because they like a stained glass window, and all the turmoil it causes everyone.  I don’t really think it is worth a watch, but for some people, all that fast-talking is actually a turn-on.  If you are a Aaron Sorkin fan, this may just be up your alley.
Grade: C-

Devil’s Advocate – Jason Schmidt
I love talking about good Keanu Reeves films.  Mostly because I think he is an underrated actor.  As an actor myself, I can see the actual “craft” in what he is doing, and I get why for some he doesn’t come across like he acts.  He is very stoic faced a lot of the time, and his voice is generally calm no matter the emotion.  But what Keanu does really well is expression of emotion through his eyes and his body.  There are very few actors who can pull of supreme confidence just by standing there saying nothing like Keanu can.  And there are very few that can show the deterioration of a soul like Keanu can, that slow wearing down that was necessary for this film.  Devil’s Advocate is a GREAT movie.  It is a morality play in a time period when morality was pretty gauche to begin with.  Al Pacino is fantastic in the movie as well.  It is a great film.  One I used to own, and I need to buy again.  I recommend.
Grade: A+

Man on the Moon – Jason Schmidt
The biopic on Andy Kaufman, made by dear friends of Andy Kaufman, paying homage to the man, played by the only person anyone that knew Kaufman thought could play him.  This is a great biopic.  It has great music.  It has great acting.  It has a compelling, albeit very movie-fied as admitted by the prologue of the film, story of the real life of this enigmatic actor.  I own the soundtrack.  I own the film.  I love both.  It is a shame that Jim Carrey did not get the Oscar for this performance, but of course he should have since 1999 was the year of terrible Oscar decisions and Shakespeare in Love sweeping through almost everything.  Man on the Moon was called by some the best picture of 1999, and others just didn’t get it.  Which is kind of perfect when it comes to talking about Andy Kaufman.  I highly recommend to anyone that loves comedy and the history of comedy.
Grade: A++

Mars Attacks! – Jason Schmidt
My dad took me to see this movie.  My mom didn’t like that he did.  It is a weird, silly, off-putting, crazy kind of film.  Definitely not for everyone.  It is absolutely unique, and everything I want from a Tim Burton film.  It also holds the honor of being the only live-action film based on a trading card series, which is a mindboggling piece of information by itself.  A tongue-in-cheek homage to 50s sci-fi horror films, and filled with just … craziness.  Man, I just … this is a weird movie kids.  Too weird to be good, too weird to be bad, it is its own brand of quality.
Grade: W (for weird … I actually give it a C)

The Departed – Jason Schmidt
Hey, wanna know a great movie?  The Departed.  Done.  Go watch a great movie.  What you need more?  How about its pedigree of actors and directors and cinematographers?  I’ll wait while you imdb it.  I know right?  How about the incredible filmmaking just in general?  Or the tight script?  Or the intriguing characters?  Or the amazing conceit?  Or the original that is ALSO good, but this remakes for western audiences in an old school mafia way that transcends the original?  This movie is great.  Period.  Watch it.
Grade: A+

Black Swan – Jason Schmidt
Darren Aronofsky is so so good.  And Black Swan is amazing.  Tense, thrilling, psychological, amazing acting from Natalie Portman (got an Oscar for it, well deserved), this movie is phenomenal.  The music is of course going to be great because it is Swan Lake.  But really, this movie is amazing.  It should have gotten at least a cinematography and a best director nod.  It got neither.  These kind of psychological thinky thrillers tend to not do well in the Oscars.  Aronofsky deserves awards.  And this film is one of his best, written as if tailored to his style specifically even though it wasn’t.  Watch this very very intense film some time.
Grade: A++

Waterworld – Jason Schmidt
Waterworld is one of the biggest financial flops in history.  Doesn’t make it a bad movie, though.  It makes it a great punchline, but as a fantasy movie, it is actually all kinds of AWESOME.  The setting is all practical and all amazing.  The acting is great from Dennis Hopper and even Kevin Costner.  The script is a great story filled with little nods and secrets to the what happened in the world.  The action is awesome.  I love the movie, and really don’t understand why others don’t.  Maybe because they only know the joke and never actually watched the thing.  Give it a chance.
Grade: A++

12 Monkeys – Jason Schmidt
Time travel movies are difficult, and sometimes their plots just don’t quite add up.  Other times they are too simple.  12 Monkeys is both.  Confusing and simple.  I don’t think it is a bad movie, it has some real interesting parts to it and some good acting.  But I ultimately found it boring.
Grade: B-

Four Rooms – Jason Schmidt
Four very different vignettes from four pretty different directors all based around rooms in a hotel.  Uh … I guess I’ll say this: Tim Roth is great.  Each individual sequence is so incredibly different I’ll just grade each one.
Part 1: D
Part 2: C-
Part 3: A+
Part 4: B+
So when I watch it, I just skip to the middle.  Yup.

Deathproof – Jason Schmidt
Man, I do not know how to talk about this one ... ok, lemme list the things that are good. The direction is fantastic. The movie looks and FEELS good, from a filmmaking and thematic standpoint. Kurt Russel is AMAZING as Stuntman Mike. The action and car sequences are really amazing and frenetic. A lot of the things that I love from Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained are here and this is the prototype for him directing like that. This movie is a bridge from his old style (which I generally don't care for) and his new style. There is a lot to like. But this movie SERIOUSLY needed an editor. A stronger edit would have helped this movie incredibly. And another sequence of Stuntman Mike doing what he does would have been perfect. Trim down all the standard Tarantino talky talk that didn't really do very much and give us another Stuntman Mike sequence. Tarantino learned to trim himself for Basterds and Django, making much stronger, engaging films. And that's the problem, I suppose. I really wanted to be engaged the whole time, and was really only engaged when Kurt Russel was onscreen and for the basics of the chicks. The genre subversion at the end was interesting, but for me, abrupt, and right at the end, I actually found myself rooting for Stuntman Mike because I knew more about him and understood him better, and he had less dialog than the chicks that I was supposed to be rooting for. Showing, not telling, made him a stronger, more engaging character. And they just left Mary Elizabeth Winestead with the crazy redneck! What the heck!? This movie is hard to grade. I can see myself wanting to watch it again, and I LOVED everything with Kurt Russel, but I dunno if I wanna slog through the rest.Grade: B-

High Fidelity – Jason Schmidt
One of the first “serious” comedies I’ve ever seen, it made a huge impact on me.  I am a collector and sponge for media much like John Cusack is in the film, though my own life and his represented in the film has nothing in common, and I don’t actually relate to him, but that doesn’t actually matter.  He resonates.  And his relationship struggles opened my eyes.  The film is unique, which is a huge plus.  It is a really well written and well acted film, so that’s real cool.  Honestly, though, it just didn’t stick with me like I thought it would, and I don’t care to see it again.  I don’t hate it.  I just don’t like it.  I remember how good it was, but that’s the extent of it.
Grade: A

Harvey – Cindy Carrin
The only Jimmy Stewart film I’ve seen and loved.  It is a great play, a great old movie, and just awesome all around.  A classic.  You absolutely should watch it.  Everyone.  Do it.
Grade: A+






And there we have it!  A LOT of films reviewed in a handy dandy quick way with beautiful pictures that took me way too long to format.  Thanks everyone, and I am positive I will do an exercise like this again!  Until tomorrow, where we have some newer films, a Wes Anderson film, some wrestling, and probably other stuff!

Nanarsday ... The Ice Pirates

The fun thing about really bad movies is that they are not at their best watched like a normal film.  They are done at best by sharing the terrible nature of these films with a group.  Drinking games, snarky riffing MST3K style, or just having it on in the background so that every now and again the weirdness allows for short moments of enjoyable levity between whatever else you may be doing with your social circle; that is how some of the best worst movies are experienced.  The Ice Pirates is indeed the perfect film for this kind of viewing.

Some bad movies I've talked about are more fun to enjoy as a real film.  This movie ... that is not the case.  My oh my, is Ice Pirates not the case.  This movie is bad.  Super duper very very uber bad.  It is a semi-comedy, semi-parody, semi-action movie that is sort of kind of being Star Wars.  Sort of.  It's real bad when Spaceballs has a higher production quality than you do as a space "epic."

Plot: Water is basically gone everywhere except on one planet, that is ruled by the evil Templars, and the only people who can get water to the galaxy is the noble pirates.  We follow our pirate heroes as they try to steal some ice, end up almost stealing a princess, then getting captured, almost turned into eunuchs, escape, and ... just so many more things happen.

I'm going to go ahead and put this out there; this movie is boring.  If you were just watching it alone, I am not positive you could make it through the first 40 minutes without dozing off.  I know I couldn't.  I have tried to watch this movie for years, and without fail would always end up falling asleep.  I am not sure what it is that makes movies like this.  They tend to be comedies for me, and they always seem to have stuff happening, like ... Ice Age is a movie I've only made it through maybe twice and every other time fallen asleep.  Maybe it has to do with the "ice".  Anyway, the pace of the movie, the music, the acting choices, the really bad direction, all of it leads to sleepytime by yourself.

But didn't I just lead into this review talking about watching this movie with friends!  That's what I did this time!  And I would very much suggest everyone do that!  Because there are some tiny little bits that are hilarious.  The eunuch factory was a great little funny section of the movie.  The pirate getting upset that he didn't get to rape the lead female character is hilarious to me.  The finale of the movie, which is a huge time travel weirdness where a few years go by every thirty seconds, that is a really fun and fast finish.  But I would never ever suggest you watch this thing without others there to have fun with.

Grade: F (+ if in a group)