Good googly moogly is this film atrocious.
Yeah, I'm not even going to be close to pretending it is good. This, THIS is the torture porn I've had quite a few conversations about since I started watching the Saw films. I mentioned it in an earlier review, but let me go ahead and lay out my mindset here: films with torture do not equal torture porn. That is like saying a erotic thriller film is a porn. The term "torture porn" was created to describe Hostel, which came out the year after Saw and could not have corresponded to Saw II. And torture films existed way before the Saw films. The Saw films are not the "father" of torture porn. Cannibal Holocaust, I Spit on Your Grave, lots of torture films existed for decades before Saw came out. The Saw films, while having torture in them, are not actually about the torture. It is about the mindset of a man who would torture, and the twisted morals he is trying to teach. The films are made with an A-plot about Jigsaw, his past, his accomplishes, and so forth, and a B-plot that is the "test" or series of torture devices. The fact that the torture isn't even the focus of these films narratively should absolutely help out. The Saw films ARE NOT TORTURE PORN.
Except for this one, because this one is garbage torture porn. And not even good torture porn that makes you cringe or feel something as you watch. Just really really terrible crappy ... everything really.
Plot real quick: 2ish months after the events of the last movie, a survivor of a Saw trap, who has become a Tony Robbins style motivation speaker for three years now, is tested by Jigsaw's apprentice, maybe. He's tested by someone, don't know who. Jigsaw's apprentice, meanwhile in B-plot land, is once again dealing with cops and trying to get some personal revenge. Yeah, that's right, the torture part is the A-plot this time, which is a first.
Ok, so I'm just going to list off all the problems I have with this movie. List style. Because I cannot get my mind focused any other way currently. Here we go:
- The opening trap is absolutely 100% pointless with no narrative purpose, no setting purpose, and no way to even understand how it fits into the storyline.
- The timeline of the film, which is a huge aspect of the Saw series as a whole, is all janked up.
- The second trap is absolutely 100% pointless with no narrative purpose, no setting purpose, and very very little point in fitting it in with a featured extra's story that ultimately is also pointless.
- The casting is abysmal, straight across the bored, without a single good actor in the whole film.
- The blood is pink.
- The BLOOD IN THIS MOVIE ALL LOOKS PINK!
- A TRAP INVOLVES JIGSAW HAVING ETCHED NUMBERS INTO A MAN'S MOLARS, WITHOUT HIM EVER FEELING IT HAVING HAPPENED TO HIM!!!
- THERE IS AN AUTOMATED MACHINE GUN THAT IS NOT A TRAP, JUST A MACHINE GUN THAT IS THERE TO KILL PEOPLE!!!!
- THE TRAPS IN THE FILM ARE ALL COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL, RIDICULOUS, AND UTTLERLY FAKE LOOKING!!
- THERE IS NOT A SINGLE POSSIBLE WAY THAT ANY OF THE THINGS IN THIS MOVIE COULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IT SAYS THEY DO!!!!
I just ... cannot express to you how terrible this whole movie is. The more I think about it, the angrier I become. It is not only a very bad movie, it is an utter failure as a Saw film. Which is ridiculous, because it is the same people that made the last film, which is my second favorite narratively. I can make some leaps to plug in the holes in logic, consistency, and what not, but they are completely unfounded. The two hooded guys, no answer. When, where, how, and why the first trap of the film happens, no answer. Who put together the enormous plot test, when it looks like everyone was focused on something else, no answer. Ugh.
This movie is not worth watching. There is no reason to watch anything beyond a youtube clip of the final reveal, the final puzzle piece. I have nothing positive to say about this movie beyond some things were "fine."
Grade: F-, as a Saw film, F---
((0-0)) ((0-0)) ((0-0))
And that's it! I made it through, and I am very happy I did. It was ultimately completely worth my time and effort, and I'll absolutely watch a good amount of these films again in the future! I was asked to make a list of my favorite traps at some point recently, as well as put my final ranking of the films, so let's do that now, shall we!
Jessel's favorite Saw films
Saw III - Grade: A++
Saw VI - Grade: B++-
Saw IV - Grade: B++
Saw V - Grade: B+
Saw II - Grade: B+
Saw - Grade: B
Jessel's top 5 favorite Saw traps
Survivor Roulette - Saw VI
Blood Sacrifice Trap - Saw V
Take My Breath Away Trap - Saw VI
Acid McGee - Saw VI
Arteries Husband-Wife Trap - Saw IV
There we go. That is enough talk about Saw and torture and porn. Next week, we get into some neato action stuff, and another really bad horror movie that I just didn't have time to get to, as well as a comedy based Arbitrary Numbers! See you next week!