IHAO on ... the Royal Rumble 2015

I ... I ... I am at a loss for words.  My emotions are ...

Ok, let me first talk about the party we had.  9 people, plus my wife and I, came together to party for the Rumble.  It is my favorite PPV of the year, and we have a small betting pool we do where we all draft numbers and then we earn money based on the winner, the most eliminations, and the "Bushwacker" or lasted the shortest amount of time award.  We all had snacks and we all had a good time as a party.  The best part was having new watchers come, as well as my dad, who was a hit with everyone because he is funny.

What about the PPV?  How were the matches?  They were all pretty much crap, with an even crappier Rumble with an even CRAPPIER ultimate decision.  And there was a pretty enjoyable Championship match.  Let's ... ugh, let's dig into each of these pretty quickly.  Gifs are from wrasslormonkey, go check him out.


THE ASCENSION ARE MADE TO LOOK LIKE FOOLS

The Ascension were awesome in NXT.  They had this amazing prestige, power, and presence.  They had an awesome moveset and an awesome attitude.  They worked hard, even in little reactions.  They also got brought up to the main roster.  And were immediately mocked by JBL, humiliated by Legends, and then had this match versus the New Age Outlaws where the legends run rough all over the Ascension, they were not allowed to do any of their normal awesome offense and instead just did restholds and got beat up, and then we are supposed to forgive it because of a poorly rushed Fall of Man.  Ugh.


THE USOS ARE POINTLESS AND THE MIZ-MIZDOW ACT IS OLD

A tag team championship match, featuring a non-team and the most boring faces in the company.  The match itself was fine.  Acceptable.  And that is the best thing I can say about it.  Uninteresting, unmemorable, a waste of time, but acceptable.  Oh, and hey, watch one of the Usos botch the stupid Uso-spot that is in every damned Uso match.

THE BELLA TWINS AND NATALYA AND PAIGE JUST ... MESS UP EVERYTHING

I am a defender of women's wrestling in the WWE.  I spent much of last year defending Paige and the Bellas, pointing out how good their matches were, how hard they were working, all of that.  So let's start this new year by having a terrible tag team match.  An eight minute long match that they messed up basic tag team rules, botched some crazy spots, everyone came out looking worse for being in it, and ended in confusion.

Yup, that's a ... sitout hair-pull drop-toe neckbreaker.  Totally.  Look at Brie's face.  She is pissed at Natalya, super duper pissed.  And she should be, because Natalya is the one who messed up every single spot in this match.  She messed up a tag, she messed up this spot, she messed up every spot.  Paige worked hard, Nikki worked hard, Brie worked hard, and it didn't matter, because this match was trash.

That is what you deserve, Nattie.  At least in a year and 8 months we'll see a Total Divas episode about this.  *eye roll*


BROCK LESNAR WINS A DECENT TRIPLE THREAT, CENA STAYS TERRIBLE

Cena hit the AA so many times, the joke at the party was to keep going up the alphabet, where Cena ended at GG, which means "good game" online, which is a funny coincidence and why I remember it.

This match was pretty fun.  In retrospect, it was really good in fact.  But that is only after putting it against the terrible Rumble match to follow.  Lesnar and Rollins worked real hard.  Cena was Cena.  The match built to some enjoyable nearfalls, and the final sequences were pretty good.  I was certain Rollins was going to win, but Lesnar pulled it out after taking an amazing hit from a big elbow through the table.

ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THE WORST RUMBLE MATCHES I'VE EVER SEEN

This Rumble match was ... ok, here's a metaphor that is absolutely a great way to explain it.  All of us watching this match was like all of us eating gross ice cream.  The recipe is ice cream, and we all had a hilarious time eating it with each other ... but at the end of the night, you have disgusting ice cream in your belly and feel like complete crap.

This match is terrible.  Every single decision made in this match is the worst possible one.  The fans clamor for the company to hear them, and are constantly barraged with a real life heel president who says "you'll like what I give you!"  Roman Reigns is shoved down our throats, choking us as fans, and ruining him.  The booes once Daniel Bryan is eliminated super early in the match is almost deafening.  Once Roman comes out, it is even worse.  Once he wins, even the Rock, who was brought in as a "surprise" to help try to get Roman over with the fans ... well, look at his reaction to the booes once Roman wins:

The highlights of this match were the two legends.  Bubba Ray is back, which is cool, and I hope he sticks around.  And DDP showed up, which is awesome.

I feel cheated when the faces I'm rooting for as a fan were all embarrassed and destroyed.  A first time viewer heard the reaction and asked me "so, do they not listen to the fans when they make their decisions?" and I answer the very humbling and sad answer "basically, yeah, the fans are ignored."  He shook his head and couldn't understand how a company works like that.

The hashtag #CancelWWENetwork trended for a long time after the Rumble.  Lots of people showed screenshots of their cancellations.  I ALMOST want to cancel myself, but NXT and these reviews keep me around.  The Miz, surprisingly, reacted the perfect way for this terrible, terrible PPV, featuring one of the worst Rumble matches I've ever seen:

IHAO on ... WWE's competition 1 - Lucha Underground

That's right Cena, you better run.  Competition is coming, and not just from NXT.

I love wrestling.  I talk about it a whole bunch.  NXT has been blowing my mind, and WWE has been leaving me cold.  But it is a new year, and I want to see what else is out there.  I don't have time for everything, so I am only watching what I have been and what just got a brand new start, and that's Lucha Underground and TNA.

TNA, on the other end of the spectrum, is trying its hardest to be just like the WWE ... 15 years ago.  TNA has always been plagued by ridiculously overbooked nonsense and match stipulations that just don't make any sense.  That said, it also tends to find great wrestlers that WWE didn't quite give a chance and prove the WWE wrong, just like with EC III, MVP, Samoa Joe, Low Ki.  Then it fills out its roster with top Indy guys who aren't looking to jump to WWE, like Austin Aries, and home grown talent.  And Kurt Angle.  TNA almost went bye-bye because of poor ratings and slowly losing all their money.  They lost their TV contract, and scrambled to get a new one on Destination America, which has nowhere near the reach as Spike TV.  But they are restarting their show for a new audience on the 16th of this month, and I'm going to be the audience.  That means that I'll have a review up of their show the following Monday.

Lucha Underground made a pretty surprising splash for me.  It got a lot of honorable mentions in my Best of 2014 Wrestling article, which is great because it has only had 10 episodes.  The schtick is that of film quality backstage segments, strong character focus, and really good matches.  The match quality of Lucha Underground sits in the middle zone of WWE: the average match is higher quality, but no match has really broken into the upper echelon of great matches that WWE always pulls out eventually every year.  With its focus on Aztec traditions and masked characters, it is an incredible show to watch.  They are starting their year, after giving us a lot of great episodes to introduce all twenty major characters on their roster, with an amazing match called Aztec Warfare.  I have no clue what it is, other than it seems to be a seeded gauntlet, so I'm excited to find out.

Lucha Underground is up first.

Lucha Underground opened with a lot of spectacle as a lot of traditional drums and dancing kick off the show, really making this feel special.  Aztec Warfare is a Royal Rumble style elimination gauntlet 20-man "Anything Goes" match.  Two men start, then every small amount of time, another man joins the match.  Last man to not get eliminated wins, and is the new, and FIRST Lucha Underground Champion.

No sugarcoating or beating around the bush, this match is great.  Super great.  It is a great way to opening wrestling for the year of 2015.  What is so great about it?  It has great moves, great moments, great characters, culminates a lot of stories, crowns a champion, and thrilled for a full hour of wrestling, including commercials.  We get closure on a bunch of storylines, learn every character, all the wrestlers are treated as if they had a legitimate chance to win ... for the most part, anyway.  This was really great stuff.  El Mariachi Loco, Mil Muertes, Prince Puma, Chavo Guerrero Jr., Pentagon Jr., Sexy Star, man, everyone impressed all match.  I cannot say it enough, this was a GREAT  match!  Even better, I am excited for the things to come.

I have now watched the episode, a full one-hour episode with a handful of 3 and a half minute breaks, that is just one match.  It is phenomenal.  Every single character, even the jobber kid, looks good, has a story, has a moment to shine, and looks like a credible threat to win.  The way the story builds is perfect.  The mirroring and closing out of a chapter in the story of Lucha Underground, which is just beginning, is flawless.  The match does all the storytelling a Royal Rumble does, but with all the actual skill and credible finishes of a regular match.

My favorite thing in the whole match is that there was only two times someone stopped another luchadore from pinning an opponent.  The first was Big Ryck, who is not a luchadore, just a brawling enormous mammoth of a man.  The second is Chavo Guerrero Jr., who is so egotistical, he wants to pin a guy himself and keeps throwing guys off him to get the pinfall, even though it doesn't matter.  That is exciting!  How many times in a Royal Rumble match do you see guys helping save other guys from getting thrown over because they are wasting time between spots?  Most Rumbles it happens.  But here, every moment was perfectly executed.  On top of that, Lucha Underground pretapes and edits their episodes, so every single move and shot is from the best, most interesting angle, and if something important is happening on the outside of the ring, we always cut to it.  I LOVE Lucha Underground!

Lucha! Lucha! Lucha! Lucha! Lucha!

I implore you all, every wrestling fan or wanna-be fan, or just someone who likes Lucha, or just someone who likes Robert Rodrigeuz, or just ... everyone, really!  WATCH LUCHA UNDERGROUND!  Have a hard time watching Lucha Underground because you can't or don't get the El Rey Network, but want to give this a chance?  You are in luck because Lucha Underground consistently shares videos on their facebook page.  Absolutely go give them a look and a like.

IHAO on ... Wrestling Bests of the Year 2014

Man has wrestling been rough and exhilarating at the same time.  This year, TNA all but died, got a new home for the new year, and will be starting over.  Lucha Underground started and is really starting to make huge waves as they build up to their big AZTEC WARFARE match at the beginning of 2015.  NXT has been destroying WWE so thoroughly in quality and in skill that WWE morale is incredibly low.  And Vince in a live podcast buried everyone who wasn’t Bray Wyatt or the Shield.  WWE PPVs have slowly gotten worse and worse, and so many of the top guys or close to the top guys have gotten injured, fed up and quit, show up only once every month if we are lucky, or are just veterans who have no business continuing in the main events or upper echelon of the company. 

A lot has happened in 2014.  And with the help of some readers, I’ve compiled a list of “Of the Year” categories.  I’ve also got some garbage joke ones, and I’ll answer those at the end, because I refuse to not answer them, though I would like to actually talk about stuff like a real reviewer first, ok Mom?!

Here we go:

Best Jobber

A jobber in wrestling terms is a guy whose job is to lose to put over their competition.  They may have a name and a gimmick, but they are not a featured player or character.  Their job is to lose so that we can learn the schtick of the other guy.  The best jobber is one that bumped well, was interesting, left an impression, but never overshadowed the talent they were enhancing.  This year’s Best Jobber is …

Blue Pants

Blue Pants is actually Leva Bates, a female wrestler in the Indy’s who seems to be a friend of the female trainer for the NXT Divas and came in to do a terrible favor: to lose to someone else.  But Blue Pants put  on her Kitty Pride cosplay, came out to no music, introduced to the crowd by the most charismatic G in NXT, Enzo Amore, and sparred with the debuting Carmella.  Carmella looked great, Blue Pants looked good and rolled with the role, and returned for another match, once more jobbing to Carmella, but this time the fans cheered and chanted for Blue Pants, Blue Pants, Blue Pants!

 

Honorable Mentions:  Kane, the Undertaker

Most in need of a Gimmick Change

Oh goodness.  Why did I put this so high on this list?  All right, so lots of wrestlers get repackaged or work with what they are given.  Some have great gimmicks, some are basically gimmick-less and just play themselves, and some flounder in their gimmick.  Ezekiel Jackson had a terrible gimmick and terrible matches in the WWE, but now in Lucha Underground as Big Ryck, he is treated like a monster, and his cigar grinding and “brawling, not wrestling” approach changes everything about the promotion, and it was just a simple gimmick change (and company switch, but shh).  This year, the award for the wrestler most in need of a gimmick change is …

The Usos

Don’t look at me, I absolutely thought I’d be putting John Cena or Randy Orton here.  But let me ask you, oh reader, what is the Usos gimmick? 

Think about it.  Samoans?  I dunno, they don’t really talk about it other than their opening chant, which then doesn’t affect anything other than throwback moves to their father.  Is it that they are twins?  They wear face paint to make it absolutely clear which one is which.  Is it as the good guy champs of the Tag Division?  They sure don’t get to talk or really do anything to show that other than be in EVERY SINGLE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH for the tag titles.  The last time they didn’t wrestle for the WWE Tag Titles was Summerslam, and that’s because there wasn’t a tag title match on the show.  The same holds true for most PPVs this year.  But to be in every title match for so long, and still be just … those colorful guys that are good guys and have the same match all the time … that is infuriating. 

They need something.  An edge.  A heel turn.  A manager.  ANYTHING.  SOMETHING.

Honorable Mentions: Bayley, AJ Lee, Randy Orton, John Cena, Bull Dempsey, Mojo Rawley

Most Disappointing Release

Folks get fired every year.  For lots of reasons.  Some quit, some get injured and retire, and some just fail drug tests or hit women or something.  And sometimes guys get fired or leave or whatever and they had so much more they could have done!  This year, the most disappointing release goes to …

Josh Mathews

The main WWE commentary is the pits.  It is just absolute and utter garbage.  They have some talented dudes around that can do good play-by-play and good color, but the worst release for me was Josh Mathews.  He was a really good play-by-play guy, if a little bland and personality-less, but he played well with JBL, unlike Cole and Lawler, as well as some of the newer commentary guys like Byron Saxton, Alex Riley, and Scott Stanford.  For a short time Mathews was doing the PPVs and doing a real solid job.  But he was never given a real chance to do things as the lead commentator in a big way. 

And what’s happening for him now?  He will be the new voice of the WWE’s largest not-in-house competition on the new Impact Wrestling on Destination America.  And he’s going to do a great job there, because he won’t have Vince yelling in his ear, Michael Cole saying stupid things to him as heel color, and a company behind him that is trying as hard as it can to improve.  Who knows if it will, but this is a bad blow for us WWE fans because we are stuck with the same garbage we currently have instead of what we could have had.  And that is absolutely disappointing.

Honorable Mentions: Evan Bourne, Aksana, Drew McIntyre

Heel Turn of the Year

Sometimes good guys go bad.  Sometimes relationships end.  Sometimes a new villain arises from the ranks of the heroes.  And that is professional wrestling in a nutshell.  A great heel turn makes both people in that turn a bigger star, like the Rock at Survivor Series 1998.  A bad heel turn doesn’t matter, like Cesaro’s hip-hopping from fan favorite to heel for Heyman to cheered for to made obscure and held down to dwindle away what started as a great year.  But that’s neither here nor there.  The Heel Turn of the Year is …

Seth Rollins

There was no other choice.  Seth Rollins broke up the Shield, won Money in the Bank, became the true heel that HHH needed to work for him against all those pesky do-gooders in the roster.  Rollins has been the fixture of the bad guys every week, has rolled with the punches and changed every week, and has been about the only good thing to come from this whole Authority storyline that has lasted a year too long.  And he is only going to move upwards.

Honorable Mentions: Kevin Owens, Chavo Guerrero, Nikki Bella

Pageantry of the Year

Paige is my good friend.  And I got her into wrestling because she fell in love with Dusty Rhodes and his yellow polka dots.  She loves the ridiculous characters, the spectacle, and the huge stories.  She loves the guys with the PAGEANTRY.  And she asked me for my pick for Pageantry of the Year.  That one’s easy …

Finn Balor

Holy monster-under-the-bed crap, look at this glorious video! ((EDIT: Ok, so the video I wanted to share, that I had shared a lot, has been taken down by the WWE.  I put the official WWE video, but it is more edited and also doesn't have enough of the Ascension's reactions to it, but I think it'll do enough for you to get my point.))  I don’t care if you hate wrestling, love wrestling, whatever.  THIS is an entrance.  THIS is special!  THIS is thrilling and ridiculous and wonderful!  And it cannot be topped.  Well, it could have been, if Sting had given a damn and came down from the rafters or they gave him anything beyond just walking out to generic garbage rock music instead of his actual theme at Survivor Series.  BAH!

Finn Balor, before he was Finn Balor, was known for this kind of thing, this kind of pageantry.  It is not his gimmick, he just goes a little harder on special occasions, and that makes it even better than being Stardust who never turns it off.

Honorable Mentions: Stardust at all, Mil Muertes, Baron Corbin

Tag Team of the Year

Tag team wrestling hasn’t been important to the WWE for a long time.  But recently things are changing.  And since my limited scope only has time to watch WWE and NXT plus Lucha Underground (I’m gonna watch Impact in the new year, gah, gimme a break, I only have so many hours in an insomnia-afflicted night to watch stuff, guys!), I already know who the Tag Team of the Year is …

The Ascension

Face?  Heel?  Who cares!  These guys kick our butt, have an aura of awesome, and legitimately make me mark out, which does not happen often any longer.  When they rip apart jobbers, everyone is yelling along with every kick and pin count YA YA YA!  And when they are put against a real team, they show that they can actually go and show a lot of skill and character.  Watch Konnor’s reactions to Finn Balor in the video I linked to above, they are priceless.   The Ascension is about to debut and shake up the WWE Tag Division, and I cannot wait.  I cannot wait for them and the Brothers of Dust-struction.  I cannot wait for them to rip the Usos in half.  I cannot wait for them to dominate the division and actually make people care beyond the antics of Damien Mizdow.

Honorable Mentions: The Certified Gs Enzo Amore and Big Cass, the Brothers of Dust-struction

Gimmick of the Year

A great gimmick is one that makes it clear what your character is.  It lets audiences understand your character quickly and efficiently.  A gimmick is creative lubricant that makes a wrestler better.  A GREAT gimmick takes a mediocre wrestler and makes them extraordinary.  A terrible gimmick takes a great wrestler and reduces them to Adam Rose.  But what exactly is the Gimmick of the Year …

Enzo Amore and Big Cass

That right there is Enzo Amore, and he is a certified G, and a bona fide stud, and you can’t. teach. that.  And this right here is Big Cass, and he’s seven foot tall, and you can’t. teach. that.  And if you don’t like them, then you are probably S-A-W-F-T, saaaaaaawwwwft!

These guys take the awful Jersey Shore gimmick and breathe life into it like you cannot believe.  Probably because they live that gimmick; that is who they are, turned up to 11.  That’s the best gimmick.  That’s the Rock, that’s Mankind, that’s Stone Cold, that’s Kevin Nash, that’s Ric Flair, that’s what you want from an incredible gimmick.  These guys are big stars without ever having to win matches or show up all the time.  Because when they do show up, the electricity is palpable in the arena.  They have so much in front of them.  And it isn’t just the “Jersey Shore” aspects.  It’s Big Cass’ size and stature, but being cool like Big Daddy Cool Diesel.  It’s Enzo, trying so hard, even though the only offense he has is punching a few times and kicking around when he talks.  They are a great team, and will only get better.

Honorable Mentions: Damien Mizdow, Erick Rowan Genius, the Ascension

Most Improved WWE Superstar (no NXTers)

I technically didn’t want to do this one because I wanted to talk about wrestling as a whole.  But let’s be fair, I mostly watched WWE this year.  So I can easily do this one.  Now, what do I think is important to “most improved?”  I would say that I as a viewer was turned around on them, that their gimmick synced in better than before, their ring work got better, and their promo works improved.  Since I cannot do NXT guys, that is going to sorely hurt who I can talk about.  So I guess that leaves only one option …

Nikki Bella

Brie was positioned to be the big star of the Divas division along with Paige.  But things got off track because, frankly, Brie is a terrible face and Steph is a fantastic heel, so Brie never took off.  She coasted along on her husband’s popularity after Wrestlemania, but she was soon overtaken by her heel turning sister.  Nikki has improved in the ring in a huge way, having a new moveset as a power diva that is impressive and really fun and different to watch from the normal “run at you, pull your hair” Summer Rae garbage.  On top of that, her personality is starting to really shine through.  She isn’t just a “Bella Twin,” she’s Nikki.  If you need more proof, Brie turned heel just recently to go back to being with Nikki instead of the “triumphant” babyface she was supposed to be.  And now Nikki is Diva’s Champion for the WWE.  That says a lot, and makes me happy.

Honorable Mentions: Tyson Kidd

Even By WWE Standards This Makes No Sense

This was a weird one, and I was going to throw this into the joke categories below, but as I thought about it, there really is an interesting thing here to talk about.  WWE Standards means standard WWE wrestling and television.  And that means that whatever I am to talk about here needs to be ludicrous.  And I am pretty sure I know what wins the award for the E.B.W.S.T.M.N.S. …

Looney Tunes antics stopping Dean Ambrose

Dean Ambrose is the top face in the company right now.  He has the audience in his hands.  He is Stone Cold just before Austin made it to the top.  He is physical, engaging, with great character and gimmick and promos and movesets and an amazing look and … he is treated like utter trash, especially on PPVs.  Let me just share some of the ridiculous things that have happened to Dean Ambrose in just the past few months:

This is just bonkers.  It makes him look weak, as he constantly loses big matches and loses feuds by moving on to new feuds.  You cannot build your company this way!  WWE, look, you have a face the fans LOVE rooting for and seeing, why are you forcing Roman Reigns down our throats instead of using the already popular Dean Ambrose, a man who out sold ALL OTHER WRESTLERS on Black Friday for your company in merchandise?!  Ridiculous.

Honorable Mentions: Not mentioning NXT on Raw, 25 minute promos to main events and no promos for anyone else

Face of the Year

Babyfaces are the wrestlers you cheer for.  They aren’t necessarily good guys, but they are the ones the fans love.  Many times they are heroes, or at least they are wronged, or their obstacles are understandable, but not always.  It is hard to really explain the difference between hero, protagonist and babyface.  But there certainly is an easy thing for me to answer, and that’s who is the Face of the Year …

TIE: Adrian Neville and Sami Zayn

These two guys have spent one whole year building a feud that just recently culminated.  Both men have been the top guys of NXT.  Sami Zayn was, until just recently, the uncrowned champion, the people’s champion of NXT.  Adrian Neville, on the flipside, was the actual champion of NXT, the face of the brand, and the fighting-est, most honorable and skilled champion for nine months.  The two guys were part of amazing matches all year, have incredible reporte with the audience, and drove the entire brand of NXT to be as awesome as it is.

Their feud for these past few months have been some of the most tense feuds I’ve seen.  Their friendship, their rivalry, the way that Neville slowly became more and more heelish as he continued to do fight and fight for his championship, which is all he has ever done, and as Sami Zayn worked harder and harder to prove he was capable of being the top guy.  And in the end, after Neville became as heelish as he ever had been, he was redeemed by his friendship with Zayn, and then the very next week was the fighting warrior who was forgiven by the audience as he tried to redeem himself against the awful heel who destroyed Zayn’s beautiful win.

These two guys deserve this “award” and designation.  Daniel Bryan never had the company behind him.  Reigns became a caricature of himself over the course of three months, then was injured and gone.  Dean Ambrose only came into his own in the last third of the year.  John Cena is awful.  Lucha Underground is too new to really have Johnny Mundo or Sexy Starr or Prince Puma at the top.  These two deserve it, and there were no other choices.

Heel of the Year

Every face needs a heel.  Every heel needs a heel.  And even more, every fan needs a heel.  The story of wrestling, the thing that makes wrestling so magical doesn’t work if there isn’t a heel.  That guy who may do nothing wrong, never be a villain, but is always booed.  The ultimate obstacle, the ultimate other choice.  Cheating, or being a rules lawyer, being a monster or a chicken-crap-coward, there is no singular way to be a heel, and all of them are good, as long as the audience fully stays against them.  You won’t see Bray Wyatt as the winner here because it was only recently he acted as true heel  ignoring and hating the audience, actually getting boos.  No, there is only one (two) people who deserve this award …

Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

They are perfect as heels.  They knew this way back at the turn of the millennium, and they are back doing it amazingly again.  Stephanie is so perfect, and had an amazing match with Brie after almost a decade out of the ring.  Triple H bumped for Brie, did the job for Daniel Bryan, fought hard for his control, was a huge obstacle for everyone, and the two of them were perfect as the bad guys on top.  Last year, I couldn’t say that at all.  Really, it was just this year, it was just them running the show, tricked into giving Daniel Bryan a chance at Wrestlemania where he SUCCEEDED against every odd, but then splitting up the Shield, but then losing the legitimate power of Batista just before he became an enormous commodity, but then they put down the pressure and made life terrible for every face, until Survivor Series where the faces FINALLY beat them!  It was perfect, and these two deserve to be the Heels of the Year.

Now I want to see Adrian Neville and Sami Zayn v. Triple H and Steph as a feud.

Honorable Mentions: Tyson Kidd, Seth Rollins, Don Cueto

IHAO's Top 5 Matches of the Year

This is the thing that matters most.  This is the one.  The Top 5 matches of the Year.  The 5 matches that matter most, that are the pinnacle of wrestling this year.  I reviewed most of them for this site, but let’s not spoil it.  I could talk and talk about these matches, but really, their quality is what matters to me, and I want you guys to just go watch them yourselves.  Let’s go:

Honorable Mentions: Johnny Mundo v. Prince Puma v. Big Ryck Triple Threat Ladder Match @ Lucha Underground s01e07

5) Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt @ Royal Rumble 2014

4) Adrian Neville v. Sami Zayn @ NXT Takeover: (R)Evolution

3) Daniel Bryan v. HHH @ Wrestlemania 30

2) Charlotte v. Natalya @ NXT Takeover

1) Adrian Neville v. Tyson Kidd @ NXT Takeover

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention one more time how disheartened, depressed, and saddened I am because of the Ultimate Warrior’s sudden death just after he finally cleared his entire name with the WWE, entered the Hall of Fame, and gave an amazing speech the Raw after, before passing away.  God bless his family, and may he rest in peace.  Thank you, Warrior.

“No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat. 

His lungs breathe a final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood 

pulse through the body of others and makes them bleed deeper and something larger than life 

then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized. By the story tellers, by the loyalty, by the memory

 of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. 

You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend markers of Ultimate Warrior. 

In the back I see many potential legends. Some of them with warrior spirits. 

And you will do the same for them. You will decide if they lived with the passion and intensity. 

So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends, as well. 

Ultimate. You are the Ultimate Warrior fans. 

And the spirit of the Ultimate Warrior will run forever!" ~ The Ultimate Warrior

 ---

Curt Hennig Award for Best Match While Injured – Ryback, why not

Ironic JR Award for Maximizing Your Minutes – Damien Mizdow

Best Bow Tie – This one, I guess

Greatest Surprise Grunt – Uh … “ooergh!” ((EDIT: I thought of a non-joke answer, "SKRONK!"  RIP Warrior))

Best Beard – Ziggler’s

Wrestler Who Would Most Benefit From Growing a Beard – Erick Rowan

IHAO on ... WWE TLC (and Stairs) 2014

Oh boy.

I've started and restarted this review over and over.  This is probably my seventh or eighth draft at this point.  So I'm just going to put it down on paper: this PPV sucks.  It sucks because there is not an ounce of good storytelling in any of these matches beyond very minor moments that do not actually tie into the match.  The best match of the night was the main event versus Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt, which was a pretty fine match.  But every single other match was just spots after spots, moments after moments, with nothing to tie them together.

I've talked about it before, but stipulations to matches need to matter.  They need to be a part of the match.  They need to make sense, be urgent.  If you do a "Stairs Match" merely because it rhymes with "chairs" and Rowan threw some stairs on an episode of Raw to set it up, it is pointless.  It is just a match where the stairs are legal ... which is kind of true in most matches.  A chairs match is even worse, because it is just "here are some chairs, hit each other with them then pin someone."  A table match has a point ... but it is a stupid one that proves nothing.  First idiot through a table loses.  A ladder match used to have meaning, but it has become so diluted that it doesn't matter any longer, it is just an excuse for big guys to knock them over and little guys to jump around.  

A TLC match should be a culmination point!  The first match had character because it was about three teams that each had a unique weapon they used, so the match was put together.  The second one was a sequel that blew the roof off the first one, involving the same guys.  The third and fourth were both about the heroes having enormous odds to defeat to overcome, about story!  And then they were just tied to Edge's character ... and then they weren't even tied to anything.  I appreciate that a story was created here for this match, but you did things in reverse order, like the WWE always does now.  They have a PPV with a stipulation and force stories to mold to those stipulations.  Usually you get generally entertaining, but not really GOOD matches.  I'm tired of it as a fan.

Even worse than all that, the matches that didn't have stipulations are also atrocious and lacked storytelling.  Mizdow did the Mizdow thing and the Miz continues to be the worst wrestler the WWE pushes at all.  Rusev beat Swagger again in basically the exact same way he did before.  Nikki and AJ tried hard to put on a good match, but it was so formulaic and basic that even though they did fine it didn't go anywhere or do anything.

EVEN WORSE, when you create a stipulation like "this character loses and then bad things happen" like they did for the tables match, you know the outcome already!  When faces have "if you lose, bad thing happens!" added to a match, one of two things happen: they win, making the point moot, which is the majority case; or they lose because it was a "leaves the company" match or a retirement match.  I defy you to point to a single person who thought Cena was going to lose.  Even worse, if he had, it would have lead to a more interesting story!

This PPV was all sound and fury without any substance.  No WWE Champion, again.  No match stipulations that mattered, just people hurting themselves to get themselves over, or even worse, coasting by on TV quality garbage.  Even Ryback, who I am a huge mark for, couldn't deliver for me with his slow plodding match that had exactly two exciting spots that happened at terrible times and could have been used to actually create an intense climax.  I found myself talking about anything else instead of watching the PPV the first time around, and the second time was a huge chore.

Supposedly, the WWE roster who saw NXT R Evolution (my review here) said that they were going to punch it up a notch or they were upset that they don't get opportunities.  You guys have opportunities all the time to make a match great.  You guys just don't know how.  Ambrose and Wyatt were allowed to do their thing, and that match was pretty good.  It will probably be someone's favorite TLC match, because it involved their favorite wrestlers only.  NXT R Evolution didn't have a single crazy stipulation match, and it had one less hour, and still it generated more content and better wrestling than the past 6 WWE PPVs.

Honestly, I'm tired of watching WWE PPVs.  I watch them to review them.  But I feel like I just write the same thing every time: these aren't good, you don't know how to make good matches, these characters just continue to do nothing.  Really, can you name what the Usos gimmick actually is?  Or John Cena's?  Or most of the roster?  Everyone is just "guys."  They all have to sink or swim without support.  And it sucks.  Dolph Ziggler and Luke Harper tried to kill themselves for our entertainment, and still couldn't provide a match filled with any story, and there was plenty to have in that feud!  Height advantage, that early injury to both men, controlling the ladders, ANYTHING.  But nope, it was just spot after spot, set up a thing and then "forget about it" so that it can be used at the end of the match.

Vince McMahon tends to, at least I believe, think that his wrestling shows need a "main character" and that that is the only character that you should tell stories with.  Hulk Hogan to Bret Hart to Shawn Michaels to Stone Cold to the Rock to HHH to John Cena.  And now Roman Reigns, who has been a Sole Survivor, ruined a Hall of Famers record in the Royal Rumble, and been trained to be just as formulaic as Hogan, Hart, Cena, Orton, all Vince's favorites.  He tried so hard to ACT in his promo on TLC it just had me laughing.  Even worse when he screwed up his lines and got stuck staring in the camera for a nice long time trying to get back on track.

Want to watch awesome wrestling?  Watch NXT R Evolution.  Want to get your gimmick match jollies?  Lucha Underground just had an amazing triple threat ladder match, and put it online for free to people to watch on their Facebook page.

All that stuff said, we are heading into my favorite time of year for wrestling: the Road to the Royal Rumble, my favorite match and PPV.  Except we know what is going to happen this year, because Roman Reigns is being shoved down our throats so hard.  I have never turned on a guy I used to like so hard ... since John Cena, actually.  

See you guys for the Royal Rumble.  It is an odd number year, which is historically not a great thing for Rumble PPVs.  It is also the later half of a decade, which once again is not a good sign for Royal Rumbles.  I have very low expectations.  That's probably the only way I can get any excitement up for it at all at this point.

IHAO on ... NXT Takeover: R Evolution

Watching NXT PPVs is my favorite wrestling experience since I got the WWE Network.  They are working hard, they have higher production value than needed, it is a Vince-less product and shows how good of a hand the WWE will be in with HHH in complete charge, and just gets me excited.  This one in particular feels BIG because of the matches.  Every match feels big and important and that's awesome.

I also really want to talk about Corey Graves.  He is a man who impressed myself and really everyone when we started watching.  And an errant concussion ended his career, legimiately.  He can never wrestle again.  It broke my heart, because you can see it in his face, in his eyes, all the emotion as he had to take his DREAM and shelf it.  Thank goodness that the WWE has done everything they can for the guy and kept him in the company, and now he is a permanent fixture of the commentary team for NXT.  Watch HHH commend the guy for his work and offer him a huge amount of job security and hope for the future RIGHT HERE.

All right, all that said, let's kick it into gear!

Kevin Owens beats CJ Parker to death

This match is Kevin Owens' (Kevin Steen's new name) debut.  And he absolutely brutally destroys CJ Parker, who in turn also brutally destroys Kevin Owens' face with a palm strike.  I'm not sure if it was purposeful or a mistake or what, but it was a shocking nose break, and Owens never stopped bleeding or fighting, which made him even more hardcore!!  This was the best debut I've seen in NXT.  I'm rewatching this as I write this review, and I had to stop writing because Owens is amazing to watch and drew all my attention.  I am EXCITED to see more of him.

NXT Tag Team Titles: Lucha Dragons (c) retain against the Vaudvillains

The Vaudvillains have a problem.  Their name is that of a bad guy, so they play heel.  But they are both more naturally faces, and their gimmick is more naturally face as they are kind of silly.  And they get over with the crowd really well.  But they still play heel.  I'm not sure where they will go, but there was a nice moment in the end of this match where one saves the other from a massive over the top rope attack from the Lucha Dragons. The match itself is a pretty good one.  It isn't amazing, but it is really fun and told a pretty good story.  And really, being a "pretty good match" is never bad, so I'm not actually complaining.

Baron Corbin destroys Ty Dillinger and looks at Bull Dempsey

Baron Corbin is on a roll and doing something special.  He has a mystique and a power that is exciting as hell.  And he is running on Bull Dempsey, who is awful.  Bull Dempsey is basically an awful version of Kevin Owens.  I'm glad Kevin Owens is here now, so Bull Dempsey can go away.  Kevin Owens is also a better version of Mojo Rawley.  So he can go away, too.

Hideo Itami and Finn Balor finally beat the Ascension

This is a great grudge match between great guys doing great things.  This has a HUGE feeling to it, because they've been building up to it with all of these guys.  On top of that, we have this amazing spectacle that Finn Balor (formerly Prince Devitt) is known for, and it is amazing.  Utterly amazing.  Just mindgames Boogeyman craziness with a little Jeff Hardy.  It is crazy.

And on top of that, it is a GREAT match!  Everyone fights hard and fast and they do awesomely.  There is great story and logic and work.  It is awesome.  The Ascension is about to debut on the main roster with a slightly amped up version of their gimmick, so this is the big payoff to all of there feud with Hideo and Finn, and they are about to move on to something new for each of them, which is awesome.  I don't know what, but I'm excited as hell.  Once again as I write this I find myself just watching the match and loving it, completely engaged.

Roman Reigns gets shoved down our throats for a little bit, but he doesn't matter because ...

NXT Women's Championship: Charlotte (c) retains against Sasha Banks

I love women wrestlers.  I love that they are hot, and athletic, and skilled, and some of them are great.  And I hate that no matter how hard they work, some won't give them any chance.  Between this match and Charolette v. Natalya a few shows ago for NXT, I implore everyone to watch these Divas.  They have real matches, with real skill, and are just great.  Their storylines are great, their ringwork is great, and that's awesome.  Let me just quote the crowd: "This is wrestling!" *clap clap clapclapclap*

Charolette is really good.  Like, really really good.  She does amazingly well here, and does not hold punches.  She beats the hell out of Sasha, and Sasha beats the hell out of Charolette.  But there is something extra special about Sasha Banks for me.  She has improved so much since I first saw her, and I've fallen in love with her.  She tries so hard to improve, and she does constantly.  On top of that, she is vocal and present with her fans, go follow her on tumblr, that's super cool.  Tell her how great she did, because she was a star tonight, even in loss.  Very, very few wrestlers can do that.

NXT Heavyweight Championship: Sami Zayn finally wins "the big one" versus Adrien Neville (c) and reaches the end of his "road of redemption"

I love long-term storytelling.  Goldberg's streak (up until they ruined it).  Mikey Whipwreck throwing his first punch.  Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth's relationship.  And Sami Zayn's rise to the top of NXT, like the fans have always treated him.  This match is a great match because of the emotion, the work these two incredible guys do, and the storytelling within it.  It has been a joy to watch this happen for months as Zayn worked so hard and fought so long.  He is a huge star, a larger star now than if he had won earlier.  That is good storytelling.  That is making a star.

I will admit, I am a mark for Adrien Neville.  He has sparked my interest and my fandom since I first saw him.  I don't mark out much any longer, just because of being so immersed in wrestling as a fan, and making sure that I, just like with my film critiques, work hard to keep objective and subjective to two sides.  Even then, I have been accused by my roommates that my judgment is clouded about Adrien Neville's heel-ness ever since the last NXT special.  This is my position: Adrien Neville is absolutely a heel ... to Sami Zayn in this feud, but he has never fully turned heel.  He has certainly been playing the heel to Zayn in matches and a little in promos, but he's never stopped being the fighting face champion he is.  The ending of this incredible, incredible match, with everyone cheering on Zayn and him finally getting the win he deserves, him finally making it, and Adrien, defeated for the first time since he won the ladder match versus Bo Dallas back in March ... Adrien hugs his friend.  That is powerful storytelling, heel or face, doesn't matter.  This match isn't the best NXT match I've seen this year, but it is so INCREDIBLY good that it easily sits in the top ten best of the year.  Maybe top five.

Sami Zayn finally won, without ever doing what his friend Adrien did.  He never pulled the ref, never did a schoolboy, never used a weapon, never resorted to cheap tactics, even though he was tempted.  Adrien, heel or face, mark or not, has been doing dubious things to win, and Sami Zayn quite literally redeemed himself by never once doing any of those tricks.  He won, fair and square, pinned him in the middle of the ring.  And Adrien hugged him after and lifted Sami's hand in victory.  Is Adrien redeemed?  Is all this acting heel-ish over for him?  What's next for Adrien?  It is very exciting!

And then ... and then Kevin Owens, Sami Zayn's real life best friend, comes down, nose all stitched up, turns heel and destroys Sami to end the night.  This is wrestling 101, except the WWE forgot how to do it.  I am fired up to watch more!  Really, I'm fired up about everything in his PPV?  What's next for the Lucha Dragons?  Where do Hideo and Finn go?  How will Sami deal with his new place on the top and Kevin Owens?  What will Adrien do now that he isn't on the top any longer?  What will Sasha do now?

Entire WWE PPVs go by without any "big match feelings" no matter how many times JBL says it on commentary.  This two-hour broadcast had FOUR sequences with that feeling.  Lucha Underground, which I'm also watching, has that feeling quite often.  WWE is competing with themselves.  And NXT is the absolutely the best wrestling that can be watched currently.

IHAO on ... a bunch of movies!! - 26 Reviews

Hello everyone! 

Time is an enemy to everyone who is trying to do anything important.  Or at least time-sensitive.   I love being able to write reviews for everyone about everything, current, old, wrestling, television, just on everything, as well as writing all the sillier or more intricate reviews, like the Arbitrary Numbers and the Fantasy Bookings.  But that leaves very little time for me to be able to actually cover everything.  I can’t put out two reviews a day, because that is too much to ask you folks to read.  And I only put out 5 a week, but every week there is probably on average one new film or wrestling event to writing about, and that takes a slot.  Then there are weeks with many films, like I’ve had recently and will be moving into with Oscar season continuing.

So I came up with an idea.  I asked my facebook to give me a list of movies that they did not think I had seen.  I absorb entertainment and media like a sponge, and have watched a LOT of movies.  This way I can give shorter reviews on a bunch of things people might not think I’ve seen, as well as have a fun bank of things to come back to when I need inspiration.  In the nice long list of films, I probably saw a fifth of them, which is a great number.  So I’m going to review all 26 of the movies that were suggested that I have seen.  This will be a rapid fire barrage of reviews.  Let’s get going!

 Dinosaurs! – Nicole Clockel
An edu-tainment Claymation-y fun short about dinosaur life.  I remember specifically sitting with my best friend at the time, Karl, when we were 7 or 8 at his house, and between playing TMNT SNES games or with figures or running around outside, we watched this little video.  I’ve seen it since then as well, but it is a silly thing to talk about.  It is purposefully silly, and all kinds of weird, but really enjoyable.  It is on youtube, and I’ll linky it here.  I definitely think it is worth your time, because of nostalgia for some of you and just for fun in general.  It isn’t great by any means, but it is fun.
Grade: C+



Rat Race – Lenton Lees 
The semi-rebooting, more “another version” of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, Rat Race features an incredible cast, and is a big ole chase/race comedy.  It is hilarious, has some heart, and some awesome music.  It is probably one of the best comedies to introduce people to a bunch of great comedians all at once, including Mr. Bean, Seth Green, Whoopi Goldberg, John Cleese, Breckin Mayer, Amy Smart, and Jon Lovitz.  Really enjoyable, though it doesn’t quite shoot that extra mile.  It sits in a nice comfortable zone that most good comedies do, where it is real good, but the actual film never tries to be any greater than that.  Highly recommend.
Grade: B++

The Longest Yard – Lenton Lees
Wrestlers!  Sandler the last time he was funny!  Except there’s sequences of it totally not being funny, too, because Sandler has to always ALWAYS write his characters as having enormous penises or getting the hottest women in the world.  But that’s fine, because that has very little actual impact on the movie.  This is probably one of my favorite sports films I’ve seen.  It actually goes that extra mile in film quality and technique, as well as just having incredible actors in Burt Reynolds, William Fichtner, Terry Crews, and a slew of awesome wrestler … not “cameos” as everyone’s screentime and character weight is larger than that.  It is an incredibly fun sports movie with a moving story, it is really funny, and even though it blatantly steals an entire scene from the British remake of the Longest Yard, Mean Machine, it is still a really fun movie that is also really good.  Probably my favorite Sandler film, and easily the one I think that is his best film.
Grade: A++

Ernest Saves Christmas – Lenton Lees
Here’s the thing about Ernest: you either love Jim Varney’s shenanigans, or you just don’t get it or see a point.  I personally find Ernest endearing.  In fact, this is the first Ernest film I saw, which is good, because it is also easily his highest budgeted, best looking, best acted, best directed, BEST Ernest film.  It tells a great story, has fun comedy, and is a Christmas classic in the Jessel household.  On top of that, I do believe it has my absolute favorite Santa Claus in film, played by the same dude who is the Sultan and Jasmine’s father in Aladdin!  He is perfect as Santa, and adds some amazing gravitas to what could have just been a frivolous and silly kids movie.  It isn’t one of the best movies ever made, and the effects are absolutely dated, but it is a wonderful movie.
Grade: B++

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut – Lenton Lees
Trey Parker and Matt Stone have made all of two things I like: South Park and Book of Mormon.  I do not like BASEketball, I don’t like Cannibal: the Musical, I don’t like Orgazmo.  But this movie is excellent.  It is an amazingly well made musical parody of just about every single style of musical, from Les Mis to Disney to Sound of Music.  The story itself has a purpose to exist as a film because it is about censorship, parental choices, and really nice satire of the “crusade” against cursing.  I really think this movie does everything right.  And its unique animation style makes it in a sense timeless, which is great!  Great movie.
Grade: A+

Much Ado About Nothing (Whedon version) – Lenton Lees
Not every movie that is a good movie I like.  Wes Anderson movies prove that.  As does this one.  One of the best things about Shakespeare is that every adaptation is 100% the director’s intention.  And some of Joss’ choices are awesome.  And some are not.  I think Whedon was able to really elevate the parts of Claudio and Don Pedro fantastically, making both parts have a lot more weight and interest than most versions of the show.  He also made some very good comedic choices early in the film.  But very quickly, the comedy of this comedy goes away.  And that’s … just … wrong.  Much Ado About Nothing is a comedy, pure and simple.  And Whedon treated it as a drama.  And that is a disservice to a lot of the characters, a lot of the language, and a lot of other choices.  Dogberry wasn’t particularly funny, even though he’s written to be.  Don Jon isn’t very menacing because everything is treated so seriously so he isn’t a foil.  Benedict and Beatrice don’t have a banter-filled romance because the banter is more catty and snide than humorous and joyful.  There are some bits I really enjoyed, generally whenever he had the actors get more physical, because otherwise they just pontificate into the wind at each other.  In the end, Whedon focused on the “Much Ado” while forgetting the point that it is all about “Nothing.”
Grade: B-

Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars! – Jason Abraham
I’ve been saving this one for a Nanarsday review, but I’m MORE than happy to talk about this HORRIBLE MOVIE now!  It is a gloriously terrible movie about a man who has sex with an alien vacuum cleaner, and it becomes a rapist and rapes a woman, who gives birth to a human-vacuum hybrid baby.  It is gross, and hilarious, and terrible.  One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and I LOVE IT!  I found it randomly years ago, and it is a pride of my collection of films because of its ridiculous-ness.  Really, if anyone ever wanted to watch it, FIND ME and we’ll watch it that second.
Grade: F+

Chasing Amy – Jason Abraham
I have a love/hate relationship with Kevin Smith.  I either love his films and buy into them completely, or hate them and find them worthless.  Chasing Amy falls in the worthless category.  The script is preachy, the situation is so narrow that no one can relate to it, making the characters unlikable and just complainers.  Smith doesn’t direct Affleck very well here, which is crazy considering how great Affleck is in other Smith films.  It just … I just hate this movie.  Give me Dogma, Mallrats, or Clerks II any day.
Grade: C--


Dawn of the Dead; Day of the Dead; Land of the Dead – Tony Daniel
I love this little bit.  I may have never seen Night of the Living Dead, but I have absolutely seen and own all of the Romero trilogy of Dead films.  Comes with being married to a zombie lover.  Let’s touch on all of these:

Dawn of the Dead – This film is perfect.  Acting, tension, shots, characters, story, everything.  This may just be my favorite zombie movie, period.  I was blown away because what I THOUGHT this movie was and what it actually is are two VERY different things.  The effects are real old and not very good looking, but I like to see them like a time capsule of effects, and completely buy into them.  I say it all the time, but dated-ness is not a real negative, and these may not be the best effects, but they are great effects for what they are.  I cannot recommend this film more highly.  Grade: A++

Day of the Dead – I thought this would be my favorite, and I do really like it.  It is much more of what I thought it would be.  And it easily has one of the best villains a zombie film has ever had in it.  It also explores the zombie mythos more, which is very cool, and Romero continues to push the envelope with his characters.  It has better effects and is really interesting … but just not as good as Dawn.  I don’t know if I can put my finger really on why, but I think it is something to do with our protagonist, who while being interesting just isn’t as good of an actress, and the pacing of the film itself is a little off, leading to some boring stretches.  But the effects, and the other characters, are all well worth price of admission here.  Grade: B+

Land of the Dead – So Dawn of the Dead got a remake, and Romero was all “I can make a ‘modern’ zombie film better than that.”  So he continued the story of his world of zombies.  And man, I love it.  It isn’t as good as the last few, but it has some GREAT characters, some awesome world building, and while the plot is less interesting, the overall effect leaves me very happy.  I love this movie, even if it began the decline in quality of Romero’s writing.  Grade: B++

The Man Who Knew Too Little – Beth Lyons
This comedy was actually suggested to me by Beth probably a year or so ago, so I bought it, and I watched it.  I wish I had been writing reviews then, because then I wouldn’t have to think about this movie again.  Oh, yeah, that should make it obvious, I don’t like the movie.  I don’t think it is bad, I just didn’t find most of its comedy very good.  The entire idea is fine, and some of the scenes are fine, but the whole product just leaves me cold, as our protagonist has to be continually stupider and stupider to allow the very thin premise of “believes all the spy stuff is fake, accidentally gets caught in real spy stuff” to continue.  The climax of the film is just long and tedious with the whole Russian dance sequence and the bomb and … ugh.  I just did not care for the film, and really do not think it is very good, and mostly forgettable.
Grade: C--

The Bank Job – Jason Schmidt
Good ole Jason Statham.  Action star, good actor, British.  Ok, so Bank Job isn’t a GREAT movie.  It’s a real good one, though.  Based on a real heist, with some good actors and some great camera work, the film works.  I’ve seen a lot less memorable Statham films, though this one only barely jumps above that pack.  It isn’t great, but it is fun.  And if you are a history person or a heist person, this one may do even more for you.  For me, it was just a good movie.
Grade: B

Jackie Brown – Jason Schmidt
Jackie Brown is a neat little movie.  That actually sounds more belittling than I mean it to.  It has a slow first act, but not a BAD first act, just a slow one, that builds really well to an amazingly well made finish.  Lots of great actors all throughout the film, including the wonderful Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson playing the character that we all actually attribute to him in the modern zeitgeist, and Robert De Niro who may have … 8 lines in the whole movie?  But it is still one of his best roles.  I really like this movie.  It isn’t the easiest sit because of that long first act that really needed an editor, and Robert Foster is good but doesn’t quite keep me as interested for those long sections as Tarantino has found Christoph Waltz can.  But it is still a very good, very ambitious movie.
Grade: B+

State and Main – Jason Schmidt
David Mamet is a playwright, director, and a screenwriter and director.  He is known for things like Glengarry Glen Ross and American Buffalo, but he’s done a lot of other stuff.  State and Main is one of those other stuffs.  It … isn’t particularly good.  There are bits and pieces I really like in there, but there is also some stunt casting that does nothing for me and some of the comedy beats come across VERY Mamet, in that every character rushes through their dialogue as fast as they can.  The actual movie is about the filming of a movie in a little town because they like a stained glass window, and all the turmoil it causes everyone.  I don’t really think it is worth a watch, but for some people, all that fast-talking is actually a turn-on.  If you are a Aaron Sorkin fan, this may just be up your alley.
Grade: C-

Devil’s Advocate – Jason Schmidt
I love talking about good Keanu Reeves films.  Mostly because I think he is an underrated actor.  As an actor myself, I can see the actual “craft” in what he is doing, and I get why for some he doesn’t come across like he acts.  He is very stoic faced a lot of the time, and his voice is generally calm no matter the emotion.  But what Keanu does really well is expression of emotion through his eyes and his body.  There are very few actors who can pull of supreme confidence just by standing there saying nothing like Keanu can.  And there are very few that can show the deterioration of a soul like Keanu can, that slow wearing down that was necessary for this film.  Devil’s Advocate is a GREAT movie.  It is a morality play in a time period when morality was pretty gauche to begin with.  Al Pacino is fantastic in the movie as well.  It is a great film.  One I used to own, and I need to buy again.  I recommend.
Grade: A+

Man on the Moon – Jason Schmidt
The biopic on Andy Kaufman, made by dear friends of Andy Kaufman, paying homage to the man, played by the only person anyone that knew Kaufman thought could play him.  This is a great biopic.  It has great music.  It has great acting.  It has a compelling, albeit very movie-fied as admitted by the prologue of the film, story of the real life of this enigmatic actor.  I own the soundtrack.  I own the film.  I love both.  It is a shame that Jim Carrey did not get the Oscar for this performance, but of course he should have since 1999 was the year of terrible Oscar decisions and Shakespeare in Love sweeping through almost everything.  Man on the Moon was called by some the best picture of 1999, and others just didn’t get it.  Which is kind of perfect when it comes to talking about Andy Kaufman.  I highly recommend to anyone that loves comedy and the history of comedy.
Grade: A++

Mars Attacks! – Jason Schmidt
My dad took me to see this movie.  My mom didn’t like that he did.  It is a weird, silly, off-putting, crazy kind of film.  Definitely not for everyone.  It is absolutely unique, and everything I want from a Tim Burton film.  It also holds the honor of being the only live-action film based on a trading card series, which is a mindboggling piece of information by itself.  A tongue-in-cheek homage to 50s sci-fi horror films, and filled with just … craziness.  Man, I just … this is a weird movie kids.  Too weird to be good, too weird to be bad, it is its own brand of quality.
Grade: W (for weird … I actually give it a C)

The Departed – Jason Schmidt
Hey, wanna know a great movie?  The Departed.  Done.  Go watch a great movie.  What you need more?  How about its pedigree of actors and directors and cinematographers?  I’ll wait while you imdb it.  I know right?  How about the incredible filmmaking just in general?  Or the tight script?  Or the intriguing characters?  Or the amazing conceit?  Or the original that is ALSO good, but this remakes for western audiences in an old school mafia way that transcends the original?  This movie is great.  Period.  Watch it.
Grade: A+

Black Swan – Jason Schmidt
Darren Aronofsky is so so good.  And Black Swan is amazing.  Tense, thrilling, psychological, amazing acting from Natalie Portman (got an Oscar for it, well deserved), this movie is phenomenal.  The music is of course going to be great because it is Swan Lake.  But really, this movie is amazing.  It should have gotten at least a cinematography and a best director nod.  It got neither.  These kind of psychological thinky thrillers tend to not do well in the Oscars.  Aronofsky deserves awards.  And this film is one of his best, written as if tailored to his style specifically even though it wasn’t.  Watch this very very intense film some time.
Grade: A++

Waterworld – Jason Schmidt
Waterworld is one of the biggest financial flops in history.  Doesn’t make it a bad movie, though.  It makes it a great punchline, but as a fantasy movie, it is actually all kinds of AWESOME.  The setting is all practical and all amazing.  The acting is great from Dennis Hopper and even Kevin Costner.  The script is a great story filled with little nods and secrets to the what happened in the world.  The action is awesome.  I love the movie, and really don’t understand why others don’t.  Maybe because they only know the joke and never actually watched the thing.  Give it a chance.
Grade: A++

12 Monkeys – Jason Schmidt
Time travel movies are difficult, and sometimes their plots just don’t quite add up.  Other times they are too simple.  12 Monkeys is both.  Confusing and simple.  I don’t think it is a bad movie, it has some real interesting parts to it and some good acting.  But I ultimately found it boring.
Grade: B-

Four Rooms – Jason Schmidt
Four very different vignettes from four pretty different directors all based around rooms in a hotel.  Uh … I guess I’ll say this: Tim Roth is great.  Each individual sequence is so incredibly different I’ll just grade each one.
Part 1: D
Part 2: C-
Part 3: A+
Part 4: B+
So when I watch it, I just skip to the middle.  Yup.

Deathproof – Jason Schmidt
Man, I do not know how to talk about this one ... ok, lemme list the things that are good. The direction is fantastic. The movie looks and FEELS good, from a filmmaking and thematic standpoint. Kurt Russel is AMAZING as Stuntman Mike. The action and car sequences are really amazing and frenetic. A lot of the things that I love from Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained are here and this is the prototype for him directing like that. This movie is a bridge from his old style (which I generally don't care for) and his new style. There is a lot to like. But this movie SERIOUSLY needed an editor. A stronger edit would have helped this movie incredibly. And another sequence of Stuntman Mike doing what he does would have been perfect. Trim down all the standard Tarantino talky talk that didn't really do very much and give us another Stuntman Mike sequence. Tarantino learned to trim himself for Basterds and Django, making much stronger, engaging films. And that's the problem, I suppose. I really wanted to be engaged the whole time, and was really only engaged when Kurt Russel was onscreen and for the basics of the chicks. The genre subversion at the end was interesting, but for me, abrupt, and right at the end, I actually found myself rooting for Stuntman Mike because I knew more about him and understood him better, and he had less dialog than the chicks that I was supposed to be rooting for. Showing, not telling, made him a stronger, more engaging character. And they just left Mary Elizabeth Winestead with the crazy redneck! What the heck!? This movie is hard to grade. I can see myself wanting to watch it again, and I LOVED everything with Kurt Russel, but I dunno if I wanna slog through the rest.Grade: B-

High Fidelity – Jason Schmidt
One of the first “serious” comedies I’ve ever seen, it made a huge impact on me.  I am a collector and sponge for media much like John Cusack is in the film, though my own life and his represented in the film has nothing in common, and I don’t actually relate to him, but that doesn’t actually matter.  He resonates.  And his relationship struggles opened my eyes.  The film is unique, which is a huge plus.  It is a really well written and well acted film, so that’s real cool.  Honestly, though, it just didn’t stick with me like I thought it would, and I don’t care to see it again.  I don’t hate it.  I just don’t like it.  I remember how good it was, but that’s the extent of it.
Grade: A

Harvey – Cindy Carrin
The only Jimmy Stewart film I’ve seen and loved.  It is a great play, a great old movie, and just awesome all around.  A classic.  You absolutely should watch it.  Everyone.  Do it.
Grade: A+






And there we have it!  A LOT of films reviewed in a handy dandy quick way with beautiful pictures that took me way too long to format.  Thanks everyone, and I am positive I will do an exercise like this again!  Until tomorrow, where we have some newer films, a Wes Anderson film, some wrestling, and probably other stuff!