IHAO on ... Horns

Joe Hill is a writer I've enjoyed for quite awhile.  Locke and Key is a comic book I could not put down and loved getting until my local comic shop screwed up my order and got me behind and missing pieces.  I'll eventually fix it.  In the back of one such comic of Locke and Key, Joe Hill put a few chapters of his book "Horns."  It was awesome.  I've been excited about it for a long time.  Then I found out about the film version, and I got more excited!  And I finally got it on blu ray after it never came around my town for a cinema release, and ...

Street Sharks drum roll ...

It is fantastic!  It is super super duper good.  With a few minor problems objectively and one really really petty subjective problem, it is absolutely a great film, and probably would have made my list of Best movies of 2014 if I had been able to see it then.  Luckily, is a frontrunner for this year instead!

Horns is a fantasy thriller about a depressed and downtrodden Ig, a young man who is seemingly wrongly charged with the murder of his long-time girlfriend.  The entire town hates him, telling him to go to hell.  Also, he wakes up with horns growing out of his head.  And things just start going weirder, a little darker, a little funnier, and a lot more thrillingly.

Horns revels in its characters, its actors, and its story.  It is an emotionally powerful narrative with awesome actors like Daniel Radcliffe and Juno Temple, and a truly edge of your seat mystery, all brought to a fever pitch because of all the imagery and actual demonic powers happening.  The film has a very familiar narrative format, probably because Joe Hill is the son of Stephen King and the two of them have an incredible way of stringing a narrative together.  Better than all of that, Alexander Aja, the director, does an amazing job with really pushing what a film can do.  He uses amazing visuals, awesome camera work, and breakneck pacing to crank this film to 11.  I mean, truly amazing visuals.  The makeup work is just phenomenal.  Probably the best makeup work I've seen in a film in years.

The film is mostly flawless.  There are very few female characters, and most of them we only hear their dark and dirty secrets which wouldn't paint any character favorably, and in fact it doesn't beyond a small handful.  And the treatment of its lead female for the purpose of plot could possibly really hurt some folks who are sensitive to women being "fridged."  I understand the problem, but don't personally think it hurts things in this film.  Much like the Bechdel test, women being fridged is not a quality problem, but a litmus test that shows a larger problem in writing.  There are stories that need to be told and can be told when unfortunate things happen to people, and love and revenge and murder are all thrilling story components.  But I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fridging.  Also, I'm being purposefully obtuse about that wording just in case it is a little too spoilery for some.

This was the best fridge gif I could find.  Also, link here for learning more about women in fridges.

The other objective problem is that there are CGI snakes, and sometimes, the layering is pretty lazy.  Like, they are clearly fake snakes.  And ... yup, that's it.  That's all the negatives I have from a filmmaking perspective.  And they are completely negligable, in my opinion, because of the ride and performances this film gives us.  The film is a DEEP film, with lots to sift through and a whole lot of amazing shots, effects, and symbolism, but none of it so in your face to ruin the experience.

I have one incredibly lame subjective problem that is not a problem, but I figured I'd share it: this film has a real pulpy feel to it.  It is a dark, thrilling fantasy murder mystery.  And there is some awesome nudity and emotional stuff (that is not a phrase I thought I'd write, huh) as well as satire and comic stuff as well as action, just ... so so much great stuff.  And ... the emotional stuff didn't quite get me.  I've become a softy, and the film didn't make me cry.  Yeah, my only other negative is that this awesome movie didn't make me cry.  Shut up, me.

Grade: A++

IHAO on ... Boyhood

This is the second in my series of Best Picture nominee reviews for the 87th Academy Awards, the first being Birdman, or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance.  A little backstory, since this movie actually has some: this movie took 12 years to film.  It actually films in semi-real time a story about a child, and his growing up.  Actors signed up and worked for 12 years in short stints, including our lead little kid actor.  It is a huge stunt, and something that absolutely needs to be watched.  So let's dig in.

*turns on the blu ray*

*turns off the blu ray ... almost three hours later*

Ugh.

Roll credits.

Boyhood.  A film that took 12 years to make.  12 years to write this script.  12 years to come up with a story that was worth watching.  Instead, we get a drama about all the moments that are just about people talking about the moments that were worth watching.  Why show a divorce when you can hear people talk about it after they are emotionally over it?  Why show a kid excited about a scholarship when you can just have him talk to a random NPC out-of-nowhere character we only see in this scene to talk about it?  Why show a kid having a hard time with classes and homework when you can just have random characters show up and telling him that he is doing bad at turning in his homework and such?  Why have plot when you can have conveniences and coincidences?  There are multiple scenes where characters talk about things that happened in this kid's life that WE DO NOT GET TO SEE!  WHY NOT?  WHY DO WE JUST GET LIP SERVICE INSTEAD OF REAL FILMMAKING AND STORYTELLING?!

I do not want to disregard the gamble and the work put into this film.  Filming for 12 years, making decisions on the fly, having to cast your actors at a young age and hope they continue to do well all throughout.  And I won't even say that the gambles didn't pay off, with Ethan Hawke getting his big resurgence recently.  But I cannot say this is a good movie.  It isn't a bad movie, or even an average movie.  But it is not a good movie.  It fails to be about anything that mattes.  It is like watching a fake documentary about uninteresting people.  It is just people talking about things that happened between cuts in the lives of these fake people.  There is only one sequence that kind of has anything actually happening, and that is the end of the "first act" if I can even call it that.  What a novel approach to filmmaking, film a bunch of idiots doing nothing, talking about nothing ... well, not talking, more like mumbling.

I cannot understand how a film that's only achievement is that it took a super-long time to make, had no final script, and barely does anything beyond just being a movie.  It doesn't strive to do anything but an exercise in filmmaking.  It doesn't succeed at anything it tries to do, it merely accomplishes them.  It isn't hard to be perfectly in "period" when it was shot in order over 12 years.  It isn't hard to show a child grow up when he literally does that and you don't have to work for it or do any filmmaking, clever writing, or make up.  This movie just wastes time, showing its theoretical exercise as some huge technical achievement, and people act like it is.

I am mad that so many people are talking about how amazing this film is, when it isn't!  It is nothing.  It is the lack of art.  It is an exercise.  Even I was bamboozled by it in this very review!  I was all "this movie isn't mediocre, it is good, it really is!" and then I list all the terrible problems.  All the details that prove that statement.  This film will be remember as an exercise, and completely forgotten outside of that.  I do not, cannot, and will not recommend this middle of the road, boring, LONG AS HELL, talk-fest that does nothing of value.

Grade: C-

IHAO on ... Foxcatcher

Foxcatcher is not a Best Picture nominee, but it is a best actor, best supporting actor, and a best director nominee, so I figured I should give it a watch.  Plus, I was intrigued.  The real life story is super interesting, I love wrestling as you folks reading may well know, but I also loved amateur wrestling.  I was in my high school wrestling team for ... a few months?  I only quit because the coach at the time told me I had to pick, wrestling, or all the other extracurriculars I was doing.  So I picked choir, theatre, academic bowl, and everything else.  Anyway, let's talk about the movie.

I don't think it's very good.  It is really slowly paced, the plot is kind of obtuse, and while all the acting and music and shots are good, some great in fact, the wrong stuff is being talked about.  Let's talk about the plot.  It is the story of the Schultz brothers and their dealings with John E. du Pont.  There is a lot of information in the real world about it, but this is a fictionalized, condensed version of the whole encounter.  I normally do not care for spoilers, but I can say that the movie deals with ... uh ... ok, so I can't say that.

That's one of the biggest problems with the movie.  I did not think it did a good job of actually telling the story.  We see some bits and pieces of things that happen, but none of what it means is conveyed in film.  I suppose the film is kind of about ownership and being a prisoner and maybe some homosexual stuff and a little bit of betrayal, but not really, and ... ugh.  The film has a good atmosphere that lasts way too long and ends up being a burden instead of a bonus.  The film is so thick and so long and so "audience, figure this out all on your own" that it just becomes this big goopy thick mess of ... nothing.  Oh, better metaphor, it is like oatmeal.  Really thick, pasty oatmeal like my wife likes to eat it.  There are bits of wonderful fruit in there, like the actors, or small scenes that are really emotional, but you have to eat heaping spoonfuls of grey, lifeless, flavorless gunk to get to those good tasting bits, which only make up probably a tenth of the film, if not less.

The Academy's reaction to stupid oatmeal movie.

Let's talk about the acting.  Steve Carrel does ... ok.  Mark Ruffalo does ... Ruffalo-y.  And Channing Tatum knocks the ball out of the park.  So of course, he is the only that isn't nominated, which is a huge disservice to him.  He has so many scenes he does so well in.  And the others ... they just don't.

This movie feels like it was a script written to be about DuPont.  Then the real Mark Schultz got involved, as a producer and as a consultant, so some extra focus got put on the Mark Schultz character Channing Tatum played.  Then they found they had a GREAT actor doing an INCREDIBLE job, so they edited more of him into the film.  And they were right, the Schultz stuff was the great stuff in the movie.  But the original script was about du Pont, so the film and the director forced it to stay on that path, even though that is a disservice to the fantastic acting of Channing Tatum.

Channing, if you for some reason are reading this, I think you were robbed.  You did awesome.  And you are becoming a favorite actor of mine.  Keep making movies, even crappy ones, and keep working as hard as you seem to be.  I'll keep buying tickets.

All of that said, this movie is still above average.  It has a bunch of great components, it just focuses on the wrong bits and is a terrible slog to get through.  It is on the low end of a B, but it is still a B.

Grade: B

IHAO on ... Oscar Season and the 87th Academy Awards Nominees

I do film reviewing as my main job here at I Have an Opinion (click the link and like us on Facebook, too!  Then share it!  COME ON!).  Last year I wanted to touch on the Academy Awards, but didn't really feel like I had the opportunity or time.  But this year, I was paying attention, and I'm going to be reviewing every single Best Picture of the Year nominee before the Oscars air, as well as a bunch of other ones, so that I can come to a conclusion based on what the Academy says.  I already told you all what my Best Films of 2014 were, now its time to see where I line up with the Academy.

But, firstly, looking at the nominees list, I got a few things to say.  *ahem*

HOW IN THE LIVING HELL DID INTERSTELLAR GET SO MANY NOMINATIONS?!  IN THE SOUND CATEGORIES NO LESS!  I don't care if you like the film, if you love Nolan, or you hated it like I did, every single person can agree that the sound in Interstellar is ABSOLUTELY AWFUL TRASH!!!!!  HOW CAN INTERSTELLAR THEN BE NOMINATED FOR BOTH SOUND MIXING AND SOUND EDITING AND ORIGINAL SCORE?!?!  WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?

Ok, with that out of the way, let's touch on some other thoughts I had looking at the list:

 - Awesome, Birdman hit almost every category I thought it would!
 - I really need to see Foxcatcher, so I'm throwing that on my list
 - Guardians of the Galaxy really should have gotten more, but genre is a hard sell.  It is also very interesting, and a thing I never noticed, but there isn't a way for the Academy to think about soundtracks or mix of songs as important to a film, which is nuts considering how many films that would affect, especially Guardians' Awesome Mix Vol. 1.
 - Editing is normally shorthanded to "movie with the most edits in it," but the nominees this year are a lot smarter and filled with way better technique.  I'm very interested in what will shake out here.
 - Gone Girl's only nomination being for Rosamund Pike, while deserved, really shocks me.  I mean, I had a hard time with that movie, remember, but still, I thought for sure at least Fincher would get a nomination.
 - Seeing Nightcrawler show up for screenplay is pretty fantastic.  I've liked Dan Gilroy's writing, and I think this is a good script.  Hell, I could see myself in a few weeks, when I do my official predictions for the Awards, going with Nightcrawler over Birdman.
 - Between Big Hero 6, BoxTrolls, and How to Train Your Dragon 2 - which I actually saw in theaters but walked away feeling it was so average I couldn't even muster up a review for it - I think the choice is easy.
 - If "Feast" doesn't win best animated short, then something is wrong with the world.  It was for me the best part of Big Hero 6.  I'm crying now thinking about it.

That's my thoughts so far.  I'll keep you all abreast of each Best Picture nominee, and I'll try to do at least one a week all the way up to the awards next month!  Until then.

IHAO on ... Chinese Zodiac starring Jackie Chan

There was a rule in my household.  A very simple rule that seems to have worked for all movies at all times: Jackie Chan movies are good movies.  I've bought many movies based on this premise.  I have yet to be wrong.  Well, had.  Because today, on the evening I write this, this rule of cinema law became broken.

Chinese Zodiac is terrible.

It is a real bad movie.  Awkward camera shots, really terrible editing, awful dialogue and acting, weird music, and worst of all, most of the action is just ... boring.  Or even worse, it lacks the special quality that makes Jackie Chan scenes so much fun.  At the very end of the movie, in the Guinness Record setting credits, you see a stunt fail, like you normally do for Jackie Chan films in the credits as fun bloopers and proof of hard work.  And it is just ... a maybe two foot fall from a picture frame hung from the ceiling like a swing, and Jackie just laying on his back, getting up with all the speed and grace of a tortoise, medics and actors all around him trying to help him up.  It was the saddest, most discouraging thing I had ever seen as a Jackie Chan fan.  Chinese Zodiac makes me just so so sad.

The year of our lord 2012 - the day that Jackie Chan officially became too old.

So what's the plot?  Lazy.  Really really lazy.  The whole movie is lazy from a story perspective.  JC - yes, that is really Jackie Chan's character's name in the film - runs a smuggling group that steals priceless artifacts.  They are hired to get some bronze statueheads that look and are treated like they are as heavy as a standard American football.  The bad guys trick them, some weird political stuff, volcano sequence, happy ending after that.  Weird action beats all throughout, with only two true Jackie fight scenes, both a little inventive but nowhere near worth watching the film for.

I am disappointed more than anything with this movie.  I have lived 30 years of a life with the fact in my brain that the worst Jackie Chan film was the Tuxedo, which wasn't too bad, or Rush Hour 3, which was bad, but still slightly watchable.  That was the worst.  That was the bottom of the barrel.  And now, my ignorance has been shattered.  Chinese Zodiac exists, and is terrible.  Unwatchably terrible.  Edits don't make any sense, the movie has both too much plot and moves way too fast, I couldn't tell you a single name other than JC, and the action beats are all ridiculous at BEST and indeed get to a point that is ... well, pointless at the end.

Really, do not give this a watch.  If you must anyway, you may find some joy in a few minutes of action in this almost two hour long slog, but they are not worth it.  Please, just go to youtube for them.  Camera fight and couch fight should do it for you.  Just ... leave this film alone.  I do not want you to experience the deep melancholy I have now reached.  I watch these films to save you the pain.

On top of this, One Piece Collection 11 got pushed back to February.  :'(

Grade: F

IHAO on ... Horrible Bosses 2

I did not see Horrible Bosses.  I didn't see it for a very simple reason: I don't like Charlie Day, Jason Sudekis, or really Jason Bateman.  If I don't like the three leading men in a comedy, yeah, pretty sure I don't want to see it.  And it isn't really their fault.  They are pretty decent actors.  It is just they almost always play the EXACT SAME CHARACTERS.  Jason Sudekis is smiling doofy idiot sex guy.  Charlie is manic high-pitched tweaked out idiot.  Jason Bateman is stuck up egotist know-it-all guy.  Why do I want to watch that over and over again?  Well, I was taken to the movies by a friend anyway, and he bought my ticket, so I watched it, knowing nothing of the first film.  Nothing, I couldn't tell you an ounce of plot.

Before I get into this movie, first I wanna talk about the trailers.  I haven't done a Trailer Trash in a long while, mostly because my tablet got broken and then replaced and the app I was using doesn't work as well on the new one.  Is that a thing you guys would like to see back?  Lemme know in the comments.  Anyway, I hadn't seen a lot of the trailers in front of this film, and it looks like we are in for a lot of stupid comedies coming up in the next few months.  I am not a stupid comedies kind of guy, not really.  Sometimes I can get behind one, and sometimes the craft of the comedy is perfect, but in the end, I always prefer cool characters doing cool things, and comedies tend to focus on garbage characters doing asinine things.  So be looking forward to those reviews coming this first few months of the year 2015.

This is what my theater going experience is probably going to be like until April.  Help me.

Ok, so Horrible Bosses 2 ... was way more enjoyable than I expected.  In fact, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, the third act in particular.  The movie opened with a bunch of Austin Powers style jokes and the kind of dialogue you expect from Always Sunny meets SNL meets Arrested Development, which irritated me to no end.  The ... I guess they were too big to be "cameos" but man they sure felt like cameos for Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey, and Jamie Foxx, whatever, their parts were ... meh.  The actual plot tried to fit the idea of this whole "bosses" thing too many times in five minutes, as if being self-employed is some huge deal.  But once we actually met Christoph Waltz and Chris Pine, and the plot actually started going with the kidnapping and stuff, the movies started to get me involved instead of just rolling my eyes and sighing at the stupid sex jokes and gross out humor.

Then Act 3 happened.  And man, did it impress me.  One of my favorite movies of the past few years was Tower Heist.  It had heart, it was really funny, it was pulse-pounding, and it was a good heist film!  That's what this movie turned into, for the most part.  There was a small worthless section with Jennifer Aniston I could have done without, but yeah, it was pretty fantastic.  It played out in a really cool way that I know I have seen before, but not done this well or like this.  Sean Anders, who I had completely written off as a terrible director actually did some really great work!  I am still legitimately impressed with how well the last third of the movie went.

I wish I could say the rest of the movie was worth watching for me.  But I bet you if you like a harmless adult comedy, and like the comedians here, and don't care about stupid plot and characters, that this movie will not only be a comedy you'll really enjoy, but it may also actually impress you.

Grade: B ... ALMOST +

IHAO on ... Tusk

So Kevin Smith got high, did a podcast, and came up with a concept for a film.  Three films, as best as I can tell, actually.  And Tusk is the first.  And Tusk is ... pretty damn unique.  How should I tackle this one? Ok, let's start like this:

Tusk is a bad movie.

It isn't a terrible movie.  It is in fact somewhere between forty-five minutes and an hour of a really solid thriller, an A++  kind of movie with some quirk but some great editing, writing, character, acting, and tension.  The first act, the entire first act, is actually pretty superb.  I would suggest to all of you reading that if you wanted to watch this movie, the weird body horror thriller, watch right up to that spot.  Which spot is that?  For lack of better word, it is the money shot.  What does that mean?  Do I have to stop being vague?  UGH, fine!

Tusk tells the totally-not-Kevin-Smith-stand-in-character Wallace (Justin Long), a failed comedian now very successful podcaster, as he travels to Canada to interview an internet face guy.  When that falls through, he spots an old man saying he has stories, so to not have wasted the trip he meets that old man, played by Michael Parks.  Things go crazy fast, as the old man tries to turn Wallace into a walrus, as the title alludes.

As kind of dumb as that premise sounds, the first hour really succeeds.  There is some great acting, great editing, and awesome tension.  It isn't perfect, as there are some strictly not good jokes in there, but a lot of that is because the lead character himself is failed comedian, so he thinks a podcast called a Not-See Party is  a good joke, and we understand him.  Kevin Smith does a great job, Justin Long does as well, and Micheal Parks does some really nice stuff as well.  And the theme is really great, with this driving rhythm and real tension to it.

So what happens at the "money shot" that kills the movie?  And I mean, kills it, kills it dead, makes it lose all momentum and never regains it.  Part of it might be that all the camerawork and filmmaking turns to a farce to instead focus on really terrible camerawork, bad framing, stupid music, and a script that likes to hear itself make stupid jokes.  Part of it might be the extended extended cameo of Johnny Depp, playing an awful, time-wasting former detective Quebecer.  That is really painful.  Maybe its that all the lighting loses that tense warm glow that is both inviting and still dark and terrifying.  Maybe its that the writing has moved on since the movie finally did what it wanted to do, showed the walrus-man, and now it is just expedient to plot and fills up the rest of the run time with bad jokes.  Maybe it is all those things.  Except no maybe, it is indeed all of those things.

I haven't turned a movie so fast in a long time.  And it sucks, because Tusk was actually a really good short film!  End the movie on that money shot, even with it being awful, jokey camerawork, and you have a really good, really succinct film.  But the second half is so atrociously bad, that I can barely recommend it at all.  Watch if you are curious or thinking you could potentially like it, and once the halfway point happens, know you are in for a bumpy, terrible finish.

Grade: D+-

IHAO on ... Best (and Worst) Films of the Year 2014

I’ve built up to this one for … really no reason.  I mean, I am mostly a film critic here at I Have an Opinion, but I review other stuff, too, and arguably the things I get the most views on are wrestling reviews, and those I did yesterday, but … whatever!  I want to do Best Movies of the Year, all leading up to the actual best film I saw this year, as well as my thoughts on what makes that movie so good.  And I suppose I'll do the Worsts, too, just for fun!

So I suppose I’ll split the "bests" into two categories: best movies I saw all year not in theaters, and then the best films OF the year.  I’ll link to them all and just make life fun and entertaining while I do it.  So let’s take a gander first at every film I’ve reviewed this year that I gave an A+ or higher, all with links now so I don't have to later:

Not in Theaters: Snowpiercer, A Monster in Paris, Saw III, The Human Race, Bee Movie, Altered States, White House Down, Odd Thomas, Rocky III, Rocky II, Rocky, EdTV, Someone Like You, The Wrestler, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Flypaper, Lovelace

In Theaters: Penguins of Madagascar, John Wick, Birdman or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance, Maze Runner, Guardians of the Galaxy, Hercules, Oculus, Captain America: the Winter Soldier

I suppose now, I’m just going to go ahead and to the top 5, counting down to the best in each category, and talk a little more about them!  It should be known that this list is going to be a cumulative list.  By that I mean that it will be my best to combine both what I think is the highest quality and what I liked the most.   You with me?  Fantastic, let’s do this.

Not in Theaters Number 5: Rocky III

I loved watching the Rocky films this year.  It was so amazing to learn that my opinion of what a Rocky film was, based on the clips of III and IV I had seen, had no real relation to what the series is actually about.  That said, Rocky III did the sports drama the absolute best I’ve ever seen, without losing any of the character drama that Rocky gave us.  It picked up its pace and became a fantastic film in its own rights, the last great Rocky film.  Clubber Lang is an incredible character, the story so perfectly finishes up the major trilogy of the Rocky stories, and the color and film work is just fantastic.  I really love the franchise now, and Rocky III just makes it into the top 5.

Not in Theaters Number 4: Lovelace

Amanda Seyfried was phenomenal.  She deserved an Oscar nod.  And on top of that Lovelace is a complicated film.  It isn’t just a biopic about the woman from Deepthroat.  It is a really well written, well acted, well plotted film.  We don’t just amble along linearly, no, instead the film works its magic through excellent editing and pacing to really help us the audience get a deeper experience.  Lovelace was an amazing film, and I am so happy to have seen it and to now own it.

Not in Theaters Number 3: The Wrestler

With all the wrestling talk I’ve done this year, I am so happy to have finally checked this film out.  Darren Aronofsky continues to be one of my favorite directors.  This is a quiet film that is real and touching.  You see real professional wrestlers talking backstage, the curtain behind an industry that is still shrouded in some small bits of mystery in a fascinating way.  It is a character driven film, which I always love, and Randy the Ram lives on as a real character.  I believe that it is him.  Watching this film and learning more and more about life for older wrestlers, it is heartbreaking and personal.  It is an amazing film.

Not in Theaters Number 2: Rocky

Yeah, the third film made it on the list too.  And Rocky II sits at number 6, just so you know.  Rocky won Best Picture in 1976, but also Best Director, and even more interesting, Best Editing.  Best editing nowadays is a joke category, generally given to the films that indeed have the most edits in them.  But when really treated like it is an art form, excellent editing creates tension, it drives story, and it fuels emotion.  Rocky is an incredible film, an incredible drama about one of the most likable characters in film history. 

Recently, I was watching a video that pondered the question: “If aliens came to earth, and you could show all of them one film to sum up all of humanity, what movie would you show them?”  And Rocky was my answer.  The story of the true meaning of the human spirit, not to win or destroy, but to survive, to go the distance.  The story of a man who wasn’t the brightest, nowhere close in fact, but a man who worked and tried, and was given a chance.  The story of a man who fell in love, and who goes through the entire human spectrum of emotion.  A perfect film.

Not in Theaters Number 1: Snowpiercer

So how can another movie top a perfect film from 1976?  By being a more stylized, deeper, more thought-provoking thrill ride of emotion, color, and crisp art.  Snowpiercer IS art.  It is the best modern film I’ve seen this year, maybe the best actual film I’ve ever seen.  It is deep, it is funny, it is violent, it is thoughtful, it is mesmerizing, it is filled with amazing characters, it is chockfull of tension, it is supremely well directed and edited, it has amazing music, it has amazing visuals, it has amazing acting, it has amazing actors.  It is dark, but hopeful.  It is creepy, but understandable.  It is human, but entirely foreign.  And it shocked me with how many clever turns and twists it could take without ever resulting in cheap storytelling or plot convenience.  It is the best film I saw this year … not in theaters.

((-=-))

I’m incredibly happy with that list.  But I have two more lists to go.  First, the best films OF the year!  The films that I saw in theaters that blew me away and were absolutely ones I want to own (and many of them I do!), I want to share with others, and deserve awards.

Number 5: Oculus

Just narrowly beating out Captain America: the Winter Soldier for the number 5 slot is one of the scariest, most intense, most inventive new horror films I’ve ever seen.  See, I’m a Dungeons and Dragons lover, and my game world of choice is Ravenloft, a gothic horror inspired set.  And Oculus hits every single one of my buttons, and does something that very few films has ever done well: it uses perception and illusion as the ultimate crux of the horror.  Oculus is absolutely terrifying, and beyond that, has Karen Gillan giving a really fantastic performance.  The film isn’t gory, it isn’t foul, it isn’t sexist, it doesn’t have any of the pitfalls most horror movies fall into.  It is clever, horrifying, and an amazing experience. 

Number 4: Maze Runner

This is probably controversial, and in fact I may be the only film critic to put this film this high on their year’s end lists.  But I don’t care, I think Maze Runner doesn’t get enough credit.  Maze Runner is deceptively simple, and is more than likely ignored for that fact.  Its simplicity is not a negative, but a positive, as its story is fueled by its simple setup of a dystopian future.  The film is societal in nature, with incredible, memorable characters, all of which were young adults!  That is NOT a common statement.  The film is also beautiful, with an amazing sense of size and color without feeling unnatural, even though you know it is.  The last … few minutes of plot are truly unnecessary, and a bit of a let down, but they make up such a small percentage that even they don’t kill the film for me.  I really suggest everyone give this clever, yet simple science fiction film a chance.

Number 3: John Wick

I want to curse and yell and shoot guns in the air!  This is the best straight action movie I’ve seen in probably 5 years.  It is cool and sophisticated and clever and original.  It has fantastic acting from all sorts of guys that many do not give a chance, especially Keanu Reeves who is a criminally underrated actor that was finally able to really show all his skill and all his range in a film.  The action sequences are tight, exhilarating, and awesome to behold.  The plot is an awesome take on a pretty standard story that breathes new life into the film.  The villains are vile, and our hero is almost as bad, but yet we root for him!  The movie does such a tremendous job of getting us into John Wick’s head and really falling for the character.  This film could have easily gotten number 2, and some days I could even argue it was the best film I saw all year.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy

Of course this movie is on the list.  In fact, me not putting it at number 1 might shock some of my readers.  Guardians of the Galaxy is the first space opera since the original Star Wars films that actually worked.  It is grandiose, it is hilarious, it is action-packed, it has just a touch of romance, it has amazing visuals you just want to sink into, it has memorable characters that will never leave the zeitgeist, and it is more than just a standard summer blockbuster.  It is a smart movie with a theme and a plot that culminates not with a fire or a storm, but with a whisper, to paraphrase the bible some what sacrilegiously.  Every time I watch the movie, I am in awe.  It is in fact the only movie I saw in theaters more than once this year.  A movie that beats this one would have to be something really special …

Number 1: Birdman, or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance

Birdman is the most well-made film I saw all year.  Period.  Every actor, every scene, every line, every performance, every bit of the amazingly cool jazz drum score, every  camera move, every special effect, every. Single. Detail. Of this film was thought out and superbly crafted.  This film is one of the hardest films to talk about this year as well.  It is a film that every time I talk about it and some asks me to tell them what it is about, I have to ask “do you mean ‘what’s the plot’ or ‘what’s the movie about?’”  It is a deep, artistic film that covers every single aspect of the film making and dramatic process, from writing to production to acting to directing to set building to being a PA to personal lives of the creative to what it means to be past your prime to journalism and criticism to being an audience member.  Every single person who has ever been a part of a play or a musical or a dance recital or in some part of the film making process needs to see this film.  It is absolutely my film of the year, even more so because it represents for me a profound and dense statement about films this year, with its focus on how you interact with the world, what entertainment becomes popular, and what all work goes into a production.  Michael Keaton is my actor of the year.  Alejandro González Iñárritu is my director of the year.  Birdman is my cinematography of the year.  And it is absolutely the film of the year!

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Well, that was fantastic.  I love positive thoughts an opinions.  And … I know everyone loves  a train wreck of awfulness.  So let me talk about the worst films I was forced to watch this year, and my pick for the worst film of 2014.

Just like before, here’s a wonderful list of every film I gave at least an F- to : See No Evil 2, Saw: the Final Chapter, MacGruber, Popeye, Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat, The Starving Games, Leonard Part 6, Brazil

Here we go, Top 5 worst films I’ve seen this year.  God help me.

Worst Film Number 5: Saw: the Final Chapter

This movie makes me so sad.  It just … it craps on every single thing that the entire six films before it had done as a franchise.  Its film quality, its storytelling, its creativity, its acting … Ugh.   All of the Saw films before this one had some surprisingly good actors in them.  But in this film, Cary Elwes is officially a WORSE actor for having been in it, and he is the BEST PART of this abomination.  How is it not any farther up this list?  Because I can at some point see myself watching this again, because no matter what happens, it is a part of a franchise, and I will eventually watch it once more.  The next four I will never, EEEEEEEEEEVER watch a-gain!

Worst Film Number 4: Popeye

Rest in Peace Robin Williams.  With that out of the way, this film is horse-crap.  It doesn’t make any sense, is filled with terrible musical moments and no dancing of any worth, none of the fun of a Popeye cartoon is in it at all, and is just plain old ugly.  Even Williams’ Popeye is muttering hard to understand fool more akin to Donald Duck on Quaalude than Popeye.  I will give it this, it has real nice sets.  In fact, that’s the only reason it isn’t any higher on this list.

Worst Film Number 3: MacGruber

Good cinematography.  Completely wasted, always moving, always fake and “cinema” looking but perfectly fine in skill cinematography.  That is the only good thing I have to say about the worst SNL film ever made.  They took a sketch that always took place only in the countdown of a bomb going off and wrapped an entire film around the ad libs and curse words and sex jokes of one of the least funny actors in recent SNL history.  Don’t get me wrong, Will Forte is a funny writer, he wrote for That 70s Show and such.  But this film is utter trite nonsense and garbage.  The fact that there are two films worse than this that I saw this year clearly means that this year was filled with pain like you wouldn’t believe.

Worst Film Number 2: Leonard Part 6

Ugh.  If MacGruber is a parody film done wrong, then Leonard Part 6 is all the deleted scenes from that terrible parody sprayed down with skunk stench and let out to dry.  Almost literally actually, since there are ACTUAL BLOOPERS MONTAGED INTO THE FILM.  This film makes Ghost Dad look like an Oscar contender for Bill Cosby.  And that is not a good thing.  I cannot say a single good thing about this movie except that it isn’t as bad as …

Worst Film Number 1: Dr. Seuss’ the Cat in the Hat

That is this whole movie.  That right there.   Look at it.

Desperate attempts to make us laugh.  Mike Myers laughs so much in the movie in this vain attempt to make me believe he is telling jokes.  He isn’t, though.  He isn’t telling any jokes, or doing anything even remotely related to humor. 

This is without a doubt the worst film I’ve seen this year.  In fact, it is probably the worst film I’ve ever seen.  This film is the benchmark for terrible films.  If a movie is worse than this … I’m going to be very upset and very depressed, because I know I’m going to have to watch it in Torture-Jessel-a-Thon 2 next year.

Ahem.

And now, ladies and gentle-readers, I would like to present to you, the worst film of the year.  The movie that I saw in theaters and absolutely was terrible beyond every single other film …

The Worst Film of 2014: Dumb and Dumber To

I could just post all the gifs again, but really, just follow this link.  That is an entire review summed up in ten or so pictures.  This movie was awful.  And even worse, it wasn’t awful enough to have the courtesy and be worse than any of the other five movies on the worst list.  That almost makes me madder.  To be a movie that is so incredibly stupid that it is worse than Interstellar this year absolutely deserves you an award.  The “Go Away and Die” award.

//^\\

Thank you everybody, I hope you enjoyed this film wrap-up of the year 2014.  But I’m not done.  Tomorrow, I have a list of 48 categories for “best of the year” that I need to answer, including everything from “best episode of television” to “best seasoning.”  Yeah, it is gonna be a weird stupid list.  I’ll see you tomorrow!

IHAO on ... Scrooge

I do not like the Christmas Carol.

Yes, yes, I'm a heathen, I'm wrong, I should be punished, yadda yadda yadda.  I do not like the story of a Christmas Carol.  While there are adaptations that have warmed my heart, like the Muppets and Mickey, most leave me cold, like Patrick Stewart's, Kelsey Grammar's, George C. Scott's, the list goes on.  But there is an old 1970s version, staring Sir Alec Guinness and Albert Finney which I have never seen, and for some people, it is there definitive version of the story!  So I strapped on my big boy pants, sat down, and got ready with a clear conscience to give this one a shot.  And ... it was fine.

Yeah, I was expecting something bigger.  But it was just ... fine.  It just kind of averaged out to a fine film.  And I say "averaged out" on purpose, because there is some stuff I love, and some stuff that I really hated.  And sometimes they are the same thing, actually.

Like ... let's talk about "scope."  Scope in a film is how enormous or small something feels.  Lord of the Rings films have ENORMOUS scope, and their influence vastly changed the scope of most films, making many adventure and fantasy films enlargen their scope when a smaller scope suited the story better.  Look at the Walden Media Chronicles of Narnia films.  They tried to emulate that enormous scope of the Lord of the Rings films, when those are really much smaller more intimate stories that use scope sparingly to really emphasize their points in the books and earlier, far superior adaptations.  And Scrooge's scope is very large.  It makes London feel bustling and big, and truly I loved that in the beginning, seeing the thriving city and the enormous sets.  But then you reach Scrooge's house where it is just ... empty space.   Or the scene where he walks through the city, finding people that owe him money and you start to get lost in a sea of faces that are hard to remember.  And all the pathos you are supposed to have for the Cratchets gets lost because of the soup man, and the puppet guy, and the old ladies, and the annoying kids.  And you reach the musical numbers which are all just huge and ... impersonal.  Or even worse, detrimental.

"Thank You Very Much" is such a bitter song because Scrooge doesn't get the joke.  He doesn't know what the people are really saying, and the entire song and filming of the sequence is ENORMOUS.  The entirety of this little burb of London is singing and mocking Scrooge.  Compare that with the scene from the Muppets Christmas Carol, where Scrooge watches in as his maid sells his curtains.  In the Muppets version (which I do believe is much closer to the written story, by the way) you watch as Scrooge starts to piece together that this is a future where he is dead, filling him with dread.  But with "Thank You Very Much" he doesn't get that.  Scrooge doesn't see that at all, he just goes along merrily, and the point loses all its nuance.  And then he goes to hell.

Oh yeah, he goes to hell in Scrooge.

Albert Finney is really good ... but also is directed to be very broad.  Everyone is.  Everyone's acting is just as broad as can be.  The nice people are the nicest.  The mean people are the meanest.  The jovial Scrooge at the end is big and just silly with joy!  And that is ... boring.  There isn't anything interesting, like with Uncle Scrooge from Mickey's Christmas Carol pretending to still be mean (again, a scene I do believe is in the original story) but having the hardest time because he is BURSTING WITH JOY!  That bursting is like ... ok, here's the difference between the acting.  Finney, in that final scene, is a bucket of joy.  Just a whole bucket that is filled with joy, and you can see it.  But Uncle Scrooge is a water hose of joy that is all kinked up as the joy builds up pressure trying to push its way out.  And the Uncle Scrooge version is just plain old better and more interesting as acting.

I think Scrooge is a very average film, filled with large, broad brushstrokes of skill.  It is not subtle, it is not realistic, and it loses all those little details that makes good adaptations of a Christmas Carol so great.  Scrooge is in no way bad.  But for me, it gets lost in the shuffle, and I cannot honest say that I really ever want to see it again.  If it was on, I may watch part of it.  But I'm much more likely to turn it off, or put on a version of a story I hate that actually ended up making me like the story.

Grade: C

Hey, guess what, tomorrow is CHRISTMAS!  So you can beat I won't have any reviews for tomorrow or Friday, because CHRISTMAS!  But, I will the next week start a whole week of 2014 in Review articles, including a special AMA about my favorite or opinion on "best" THINGS of the year!  It'll be a hoot!  It'll be wrestling, and tv, and movies, and randomness!  And it'll be glorious!  I'll see you guys on Monday for the BEST WRESTLING of 2014 review!

IHAO on ... Troop Beverly Hills - READER REQUEST

requested by Paul Conroy

For a long time this has sat on my pile of films to watch.  Luckily I waited long enough, because it popped up on Netflix December 1st, and I've finally found myself time to review it!

Before it started, I had a few expectations of Shelley Long.  I had seen her previous in only two places: Cheers and a made for TV ABC special version of Freaky Friday.  I loved Freaky Friday and I hated Cheers.  When watching Frasier, the episode with Shelley Long in that was a Cheers parody came up and I was shocked by how much I enjoyed it, and her.  And I realized that I had been placing blame of a character and writing style that I didn't like on the actress.  So I started this film with a fresh mind, especially considering how many times the requester told me how much he loved the movie, and he and I have some pretty common ground when it comes to film comedies we think are funny.  But is this movie funny?

Absolutely.  Absolutely is it funny.  I want to sit down and do a double feature with it and Major Payne some day, because both movies are similar in plot: major character is odd and going through personal things while having to help a bunch of kids who all have their own problems and issues, and together they all help everyone while also stopping the evil bad guys.  Troop Beverly Hills' plot and characters are for the most part less nuanced than Major Payne, which is one of my few true criticisms of the film, but it makes up for it by being exceptionally clever.  I have never laughed so hard at the opening of a jar of mayonnaise, and it is all in Shelley Long and Craig T. Nelson's acting and comedy chops without an ounce of dialogue.

I wanted to put the mayonnaise joke here in gif form, but I couldn't make it.  So I put this instead.  No reason.

The acting all around in this film is fantastic.  The script is mostly really great, though the villain is so cartoonishly villainous after seeing such interesting nuanced characters in the Neflers.  The real drawback is that the film has some crazy editing and direction in places, and some very on the nose music choices.  Every now and again a scene will cut to the new scene the second a line ends, which is crazy abrupt and the lines always felt like Phyllis had more to say.  Then there are emotional insert scenes that, while good, are shot as if they were a completely different movie, like the scene where the "spy" played by Mary Gross throws away her spy equipment, triumphantly ignoring the villain's wishes.

The movie is really fun and endearing, with some cliches that make it a little harder to swallow, but think of those cliches and bad bits of filmmaking as just a gel-cap that dissolves away making you in the end just feel better.  The movie doesn't break any new ground, but watching Shelley Long and Craig T. Nelson and all the girls do such a great job acting is really worth price of admission.

Grade: B+

Tomorrow will be the set up for the rules of the IHAO Dirty Santa game, with the next day being pictures and thoughts about the whole game!  I hope you are all excited, because I put a stupid amount of work into this that is almost entirely unnecessary.  Buh-bye!

Arbitrary Numbers: Top # Christmas Movies (in my collection)

Holiday times are upon us!  As I run around shopping for presents and planning parties and getting ready for Christmas wrestling this weekend, I find I am running out of time to just sit and watch films, even less to head to the movie theatre.  So I though I'd look about my collection, and the holiday spirit hit me!  I have so many wonderful things I own and want to watch in time for Christmas, and I know I won't have enough time!  So I decided I'll go ahead and just do an Arbitrary Numbers so I can talk about as many as I can as soon as I could so that you all can try to find them and add them to your shopping carts and get them just in time for the Holidays!  So let's begin this special Christmas task!

The Top 7 Christmas Movies 

(in my collection)

((that I feel like talking about))

Twas the Night Before Christmas

I really love Rankin and Bass cartoons.  Their claymation stuff gets a lot of attention, but their cartoons are especially ... special for me.  The Hobbit, the Last Unicorn, these were for me the first forays into my favorite genre, just as I was reading the Hobbit and the Belgariad and the Dragonlance books.  The Rankin and Bass Christmas stuff is probably even more well known, but I want to talk about my favorite one, which like I said, is animated.

Twas the Night Before Christmas is a fun musical addition to the poem, talking about a clockmaker trying to help the town but everything gets screwed up because of the mice in his house, who are anthropomorphic (big plus for my viewing as a kid).  The entire special, which is not long, ends with the poem itself.  I love this little thing, and am so happy to have it in my collection.  It isn't perfect, it's short, and the animation is probably too off-putting or "ugly" for some I suspect.  But like I said, I love it.

Grade: B++

It is very sad to know that Arthur Rankin Jr. had passed away this January.  I didn't even hear about it until recently.  Thank you very much for this little special, and so many others that touched my heart, as well as basically everyone else's.  RIP.

Ernest Saves Christmas

I talked about this in my machine gun style review RIGHT HERE.  Go check that out, because this is great.

Grade: B++

Mickey's Christmas Carol and The Muppet Christmas Carol

I bunched these two together because they are my favorite Christmas Carols on film!  These are filled with music and characters and wonder.  But they also do not miss the tone of the book, the ghost story and morality story.  You see Mickey cry for goodness sakes!  I love them both and watch them both every year.

I should also point out that I have the blu-ray of Mickey's and the DVD of Muppet.  Why?  Well the new blu-ray of Mickey's has a bunch of other winter and Christmas specials that make the whole thing a wonderful collection piece to own, only missing one Donald Duck short I remember from my childhood that I wish I had, which is hardly a knock for all the other things it adds.  But why didn't I upgrade Muppet Christmas Carol?  Because the blu-ray is missing a song!  A beautiful song sung by Michael Caine and Scrooge's lost love.  It is amazing and heartwrenching and beautiful and necessary in my eyes for the story.  You see, it isn't in widescreen, so the blu-ray just didn't include it.  But it is in fullscreen, which I can watch with an option on my DVD.  So there you go!  I'm sure you were all curious.

Grade: A+++ for both

Rare Exports

Wanna watch a weird quirky adventure film about Christmas and demons and hunting and little boys and Norway?  Rare Exports is a beautiful film.  It is a touching film.  And it is an exciting film!  Most people talk about Die Hard when they need a Christmas action movie, or Gremlins for a Christmas fun comedy horror.  But both of those films are really only kind of Christmas-y.  Rare Exports hits all the buttons those two films do, but it is all so much more about Christmas.  Rare Exports should not replace either, but it should sit beside them!

Included on the blu-ray are the two original shorts that brought the full film into being.  Both shorts are great, with the second being my absolute favorite, and are both a little more tongue-in-cheek and crazy.  As an entire package, it has become a yearly tradition, and I love sharing it with people.  So I'm sharing it with you.  See it!  Find it!  Do it!!

Grade: A++

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

I feel like I talk about this special all the time.  There are actually two versions of the Sesame Street special for Christmas that came out at the same time.  THIS one is perfect.  The other one is garbage.  This one is about a sweet story of Big Bird worried that Santa can't fit down the chimneys, it is filled with wonder, it is filled with amazing music and great jokes, it has Bert and Ernie being ridiculous and doing the Gift of the Magi, it has Oscar singing a song about hating Christmas, it has the most amazing pratt fall sequence just ... at ALL.  *sigh*

I love this little special.  Even better, it is on DVD, and I'm pretty sure it can be found at Best Buys just around.  So take a look!  You will not regret it.

Grade: A++

Now, I could talk about a lot more movies and specials I own that mean something to me and I love watching, like Jingle all the Way or National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or Reindeer Games, which are all great and different for a bunch of reasons.  And who knows, I may just write reviews for them anyway later on this month.  But I really want to talk about a cool documentary I bought for my wife as a gift instead to close this little article out ...

I am Santa Claus

In this documentary, we follow five men, all "real beard Santas."  We see their life struggles, their regular world life, and we even get to see one man's quest to be a good Santa.  That man is Mick Foley, Hardcore Legend.  This documentary is not for families.  It is very adult.  And it is very touching.  

We watch four men, all vastly different, talk about what it means to be Santa Claus to them, all of them from different parts of the country, all from different walks of life, and all of them real people.  This isn't a "happy endings" kind of documentary.  This followed all of these guys for one year and cuts between and juxtaposes them as the film goes along.  You are allowed into their lives and get to see their hardships, their delights, just ... life.  It was a great documentary, and really touching as well as sad and poignant.  I cannot recommend it enough, and I am NOT a documentary person.

Grade: A+

There we go!  Now, I gotta go wrap more presents and other stuff.  Oh, did I tell you, I'm hosting a Dirty Santa party?  Do you wanna know what that is?  Well you are in luck, because I will be explaining it entirely and showing pictures of our game and party in ONE WEEK, on the 18th, which is one week before Christmas!  See ya then for that!  Also look forward to lots more Christmas reviews, wrestling reviews this Friday and on Monday, and a lot of great End of Year reviews!  Buh-bye!