IHAO on ... Twitch streaming and Super Mario Maker

I cannot in my life think of a game I have wanted more than Super Mario Maker.  There are games I have wanted a lot.  There are games I have paid a lot of money for.  Tabletop RPG games that I need for my collection.  Old school games for the systems I have that I love and refuse to get rid of.  Rare and hard to find board games.  But with all of those games, Super Mario Maker is the only game that has had me obsessing about owning it.  Marveling at the menu system in videos I am watching.  Yes, the menu system!  Have you seen it?  It is glorious.  Part youtube, part tumblr, part reddit, part Netflix.  It is absolutely perfect.  And it is a stupid menu.  With the best music!

I have found so many creators and youtubers and twitch-streamers that are putting out content just for me.  For idiots like me who are drooling over the ability to make your own levels, to play level others have made, homages to old games of the past, new crazy stupid levels like Panga's Pit.  Watch that video if you want to see the most dangerous and ridiculous level of Mario ever made.

I cannot wait to have this game.  Really, I can't.  I'm becoming increasingly annoying about it with my wife, which is really stupid of me, considering all the other things we have to buy and get ready for a big move to our first home in just over a month.  But I cannot help it.  Every single element of this game was made perfectly and specifically for me, and millions of other people are playing MY GAME before I get the chance.  I am scouring the internet to absorb as much as I can on youtube and twitch.  GameXplains, GhostRobo Jr, so many other guys that aren't good enough to mention by name, they all have me chomping at the "chain" as it were to own this game.

The joy I am getting from Super Mario Maker, just as a viewer and a dreamer, is out-shined by my love of Ptken.  Who is Ptken?  He is utter magic, and you need to watch him.  You need to sit in your living room with this man from across the globe and enjoy his tirades and laugh and wonderfully off-key and ridiculous greetings.  "HUH-llo!"  Honestly, of all the guys that I have watched since needing to cram my head full of this game I just do not have the money to own, Ptken is the absolute best.

I have watched him spend 40 lives on one lives on one level, and loved every second.  Yes, the level is crazy, but even better is Ptken's amazing commentary.  "I can do it-uh!" *dies* "...maybe."  I do not speak a lick of Mandarin, but I am promised that "[I] can speak English here."  And Ptken knows just enough curse words and phrases to make watching amazing.  As I watched, more and more people started to follow him, and he always answered with a wonderful "Sank you follow!" to every single one.  Watching him finally overcome that amazing level was glorious.  I didn't need to understand a lick of his language, and together we all enjoyed life and watched him succeed so he could finally stuff his face with food, as he was apparently starving himself until he beat that level.

Next is a level with a school theme, and a section has him listening to a made-in-game song.  He shushes everyone around, and we all listen to this awful song that a wandering goomba plays.  And once it finishes, there is a moment of silence, before a, "HUH?!?"  And then he dies.  And we have to do it again.  It is so amazingly enjoyable.  The level is utter insanity, and not because it is made by some Japanese fella and he is from Taiwan.  It is just insane, and all Ptken can say is what I say, "HUH?!"

A later level has everyone pissed and confused for Ptken that are watching as he is beset by troll-ish trap after troll-ish trap.  A helpful English speaker points that out to Ptken, who takes a moment and responds, in English, "I know ... but ... I finish it anyway."  And he finds a way to succeed through one stupid trap, only to be stuck with another one.  But he doesn't give up.  Just a string of "this is $#!+" and he continues.  And he does it.  And it is glorious.  I know it isn't anything any other streamer hasn't done, but something about Ptken makes it magical.  I feel his pain.  His genuine pain and genuine outrage.  But then he succeeds, with a resounding "Fah Que!"

The amazing commentary continues in later levels.  Throwing a shell into a chain chomp with a "hay-shotted!" had me cheering and laughing!  His "fah queues" and "sank you, Follows" and "lemme try" and "here we go" and "okay, dis wah E-Z" and singing and mroe "fah queues" ... He isn't an amazing player by any means ... ok I lied, he is.  That level I linked to above?  He's one of the like ... people who has beaten it.  Yeah.  He spends his time and beats his levels and enjoys the game.  He is an amazing streamer.  And man.  If I had to wager a guess.

Hours I am spending watching him play.  It is the absolutely best.  Great moments of joy.  Great pits of despair.  "Woo-hoo"-ing along with an Ashley skinned Mario in one level.  Squatting and dicking around to the music as he waits for stupid bloopers to go away.  Plenty of "Whuh duh HAIL?!"s and "Sank you, Follow!"s.  Everyone in the chat, cheering him on and spamming "EZ!" when he beats a level, no matter how long it takes.  We have to demoralize the level as a sacrifice to Ptken!  And to a game that I cry at night because I do not own.

Yet.

IHAO on ... The Lookout - READER REQUEST

Requested by Jason Schmidt

So I'm a big ole idiot!  I've been sitting on this movie for a very long time.  I ordered it when it was requested of me, and even watched through the first act of it the day it came to my little townhouse right at 7:47 pm with the UPS guy.  It was the third part of the Joseph Gordon-Levitt triumvirate, with (500) Days of Summer and 50/50.  It didn't have a 5 in its title, so I was really hoping it was going to be better than those other films, both in quality and in my sheer enjoyment.  So yeah, I got through the first act, and then guests came over, so I paused it.  And I put it on hold.

Now, probably at least two months later, I finally get around to it because writing about Psych is making my eyes glaze over.  So I'm sitting here at 2am, finally getting around to doing something I should have down months ago, and I pop the Lookout into my blu-ray player.  The machine remembered exactly where I was and I was completely lost.  So let's start it back over from the beginning.  Or, as the movie suggests, I could just start at the end.

This movie is super good.  Super duper good.  The acting from Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jeff Daniels in particularly make this film worth watching a hundred times over.  JGL finally has a character with some real meat on its bones, and he did phenomenally.  The music is haunting and beautiful.  The blu-ray menu is currently on and has been for probably 30 minutes as I write this review and re-draft it a few times.  

I was enthralled with the way the film watched him and how he lived.  He suffered from a major accident, and throughout the film deals with his head trauma.  The movie does not hold hands, and does a million little things perfectly.  The way he has to deal with things, the way his mind is healing, his relationship with his family and co-workers, how they are subtly discriminatory of him because of his handicap, yet then he proves that it is justified.  The hurt in JGL's eyes is real.  Act 1 and Act 3 of this movie is absolutely flawless.

Also there is a bank heist in the middle.

This is where the movie isn't very strong, its Act 2.  Its build up is slow, and even worse, boring.  The actors that play the thieves and the like, they are all not really up to snuff with the caliber of acting everyone else is bringing to this flick.  Our charismatic antagonist just isn't that charismatic.  Our love interest isn't that interesting.  Our bad ass second in command bad guy just isn't that bad ass.  I was watching a film I was really really loving, and then it gets bogged down adding an element I know it felt it needed, but all the build up for it is just so ... *yawn*.

Now, when Act 3 kicks around, and we get into the real crime aspects of the film, we are back in 5th gear.  Enjoyable, emotional, and really engaging.  But I had already lost a lot of interest and was staring at my tablet playing Disco Zoo, finding hats on my hippos and sending Wooly Mammoths to outerspace.  But Act 3 got me back in.

I really want to applaud the director/writer for his choices in a lot of this movie.  We do not have our hands held throughout the first and third acts.  We as the audience learn things through visual storytelling and sideways observation.  It is truly wonderful and engaging storytelling.  Act 2 we have characters just straight up say what they are thinking and asking each other for exposition for the most part, though within even that bad act of the film we have some great storytelling like in the first and third act.  

I really hate to do this, but this film is another B grade film for JGL.  Not for any wrong doing on his part, but for a very slow 30 or 40 minutes within the middle of this 99 minute movie.  But, do not fret, because JGL deserves a flippin' award for how well he does here.  Jeff Daniels does too.  We get so so much great stuff in most of the movie that it makes up for it.  And I do like this one, too!  It isn't trying to be quirky or betraying its best parts to focus on the uninteresting stuff.  I just wish I could have seen the movie about this character and his life without the feeling or necessity that the filmmaker had to also making it a crime film.  If THIS was what 50/50 was treated as, it would have been amazing.

I do suggest this though.  And I will continue my hunt to find a great JGL film.  Even his own film I gave a B.  But soon I'll find you, mystery A-grade JGL film.  I'll find you!!

This was the best whale-related gif I could find.  So ... yeah ... 

Grade: B+

We are a mere two weeks away from my amazing second rendition of Ask Me Anything!  Thank you everyone who has given me questions so far, but I absolutely NEED and MUST HAVE more!  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Any question at all.  Everything and anything you want to ask will be answered, and the vast majority will be honest, and all will be entertaining.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

IHAO on ... Mandatory Fun

UHF is a great movie, by the way.  Go watch it.  ASAP.

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I'd love to talk about the effect "Weird Al" Yankovic has had on my life.  I distinctly remember the hoops I had to jump through to get a copy of Bad Hair Day in my possession.  That album wasn't the first I listened to Weird Al.  I remember distinctly listening to the TV Album and the Food Album, just a little bit, on church retreats.  I remember asking my parents to buy it.  They refused.  I am not sure why, maybe perceived evil intent or lack of respect because it was parody or because some Christian magazine talked about how these albums are bad for kids because it lead to sinful thoughts, or maybe just the cover, or the name "Weird Al" hitting them wrong.  I am not really sure.  But for some reason, I was absolutely not allowed to buy the CD, and they were not going to buy it for me either.

So I had to jump through hoops.  An older boy in the youth group had a copy of the Food Album and Bad Hair Day.  He knew I had listened to another kids copies, and talked to me about if I wanted them.  So being sneaky and just slightly rebellious, we hatched a plan to have me buy his copy of Bad Hair Day for ten dollars.  It wasn't an elaborate plan, and it was not particularly sneaky, but it certainly was an attempt to be both.  You see, I had to get the money, which I do not remember how I accomplished that, probably vacuuming or washing the car or something, and then meet him before youth group in the Fellowship Hall of our church while my mother was getting ready to teach children's choir.  We would do a hand-off just after the pizza line for dinner.  He was a nice guy, and it was successful.  Also, my dad saw all of it and absolutely didn't care.

Neither of my parents cared once it happened.  They even helped me buy the rest of his albums after that.  Dare to Be Stupid, Alapalooza, Running With Scissors.  I bought just about all of them.  And loved them.  I would listen to them on repeat nonstop as I did work or walked the dog or whatever.  I made plenty a fool of myself thinking I was cool because I loved these songs, singing them in public or performing them for church talent things.  They did not make me "cool" then, but then I cared about that kind of thing.  And now, I still lovingly have all four of those originals.  I dropped off buying them with the advent of the internet and youtube.

But Mandatory Fun is the exception!  This album is great.  Absolutely great.  For a LOT of reasons.  There are plenty of all the wonderful and fun things we love in a Weird Al album, with 5 complete parodies of the greatest pop hits of the past 3 years, 6 pastiches of unique sounding bands all with original jokes and content to go with the style parodies, and the traditional polka.  Weird Al is also making eight music videos to go online one a day for the eight days of the release.  Check them all out at Weird Al's website!

None of these songs lack on jokes, and all of them are excellently made.  My personal favorite has to be the album opener, "Handy" which is a parody of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy," with just a little bit of her verse from "Problem" thrown in.  It is magnificent, rolling 'Hardware Store" and "Couch Potato' all into one great song.  And ever joke just continues to grow and get better on me.  "#WordCrimes"' grammar-nazi action is fantabulous, "Mission Statement" is a fantastic jam, and "Jackson Park Express" is just the perfect joke and an amazing long-form story-song we've come accustomed to Al adding as the last track to the past four albums.

But none of that is what makes this album so good.  It is the album itself.  The musicality is spot on.  And the order is genius.  The album is perfect from beginning to end for listening pleasure.  It just flows from song to song, giving exactly the breather you need between parody and pastiche, between gross-out jokes and word play, between up tempo and cool chill.  The musical ability of everyone involved is fabulous, and this is the best album Weird Al has ever made from a pure sit-down-and-listen aspect.  No, this album's songs are not a collection of all his best songs, but how could they be in his long career?  But the state of the album is that every song is funny, every song sounds good, every song fits together perfectly, and there is not a single bomb.  On every other album of the Yankovic's, there has been one or two songs I've skipped on every listening.  They just aren't my cup of tea.  I either don't find them funny, want to get to the next song, or don't like the actual sound of them.    And Mandatory Fun completely avoids that problem.  And that alone deserves the highest praise, as very very few albums from any musician can boast that.

Go get this album.  Listen to his songs on youtube.  Share them on the tumblrs and facebooks.  Tweet if you must.  You absolutely cannot be disappointed.  Plus, it IS Mandatory.

I've been putting this at the bottom of all my reviews last week.  I'm putting together a second Ask Me Anything, and I need more questions.  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Any question at all.  Everything and anything you want to ask will be answered, and the vast majority will be honest, and all will be entertaining.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

IHAO on ... The Dark Backward

The Dark Backward is a dark comedy that satirizes the struggles of a comic, and follows Judd Nelson as Marty Malt, a garbage man by day and terrible comedian by night as he and his best friend Gus, played by Bill Paxton, deal with an amazing circumstance: Marty started to grow an arm out of the middle of his back.  The film is dark, gross, weird, and ultimately tells the point that a comic must rely on real circumstance to create real connection with his audience, stripping themselves bare of all the artifice to create the honesty necessary to hone their craft.

The world is filled with every variation of a comic's routine that you would hear from a stand-up comic: the doctor is terrible at his job, just putting bandaids on things and charging $250; the agent is fake and in it for himself; Hollywood executives are ugly opportunists; everything that's on television is crap; a girlfriend who leaves when she is most needed in the relationship; a best friend who is incredibly zany, will eat anything, is amazingly annoying, plays the accordian, bangs fat chicks.  Even the world works like that, with every brand for every buyable item being replaced by a fake joke name and the items are all jokes in themselves.  It is a painstaking undertaking by Adam Rifkin, the writer and director, to make this elaborate satire and elaborate long-form joke all building to the pay off at the end.

Oh yeah, and this movie is garbage.

Yeah, who would have thought that a 19-year-old's script, realized some years later by that same person as his first big film?  This movie is hard to sit through.  You see, the problem with a "dark comedy" is that many times people focus too much on the "dark" and forget the "comedy" part.  The funniest points of this film were the terrible jokes.  One of them is too good to not share, so I'm going to right now, to keep you from actually needing to watch this movie to hear the joke.  This is a paraphrase, mind you:

"I visited my eye doctor today.  I told him

I had a hard time seeing.  He told me that

I needed new glasses.  But you see, I already

owned 4 pairs.  But he's the doctor, so I went

ahead and bought 4 more pairs, just in case.

Now, sixteen people can drink at my house."

The delivery and work of Judd Nelson in this film is pretty great.  He completely delves into the role, and I find him sympathetic, even with his terrible terrible life.  That is central to making the film work, and is in fact the only thing about the movie that works.  Well, him and James Caan as the amazing Doctor Scurvy.  That doesn't excuse the most wretched person in the world, Bill Paxton.  Ugh.

The film tries really hard to say something.  And I can see it.  I very much see it.  Of all of us watching it this weekend, I was the only one who saw it.  And I got more laughs than everyone else, too.  I can see why this film might be considered a cult classic.  It has a similar feel to Brazil, yet it is more tongue-in-cheek.  The problem with this film ultimately comes down to the director.  It just isn't made well.  Shots take too long, the pacing of the film is all off, and every single theme and choice he makes is cancelled out by the end of the film because of other choices made in the film.

Despite how bad this is, and it is very very bad, I don't quite think it fails.  Underneath all the grime and garbage, I can see the intended purpose of the film.  And Judd Nelson works very hard to sell us this character.  But ultimately, the movie isn't funny, it isn't even all that particularly dark.  It is just weird, unfocused, and poorly executed.  And I ... kind of admire it for that.  Like ... I'm not sure I'll ever watch it again with the same people I watched it with, because none of us want to force ourselves through this mess again.  But I can see myself loaning it out to the curious, or having a viewing party with other folks.  The Dark Backward is a curiosity.  I don't recommend it ... except I know some people will get a kick out of it.  So hey, if you have your interest piqued, lemme know, you can come give it a watch.

 Grade: D

Also, I've been putting this at the bottom of all my reviews last week.  And I got zero questions.  Come on people, I can see how many of you looked at these, I know at least ONE of you had to have seen this at the bottom.  I can't do an Ask Me Anything if you guys don't, well, ask me anything.  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

IHAO on ... Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I watched the first prologue to the famous Planet of the Apes franchise and reviewed it earlier.  Here it is.  If you want a quick version of my thoughts on that, lemme give you a blurb:

" I feel the movie is simple but endearing.  It is trying SOOOO hard to be cool, 

and I have to give it props.  I'll watch it and laugh at it over and over again.  

I think of it like the Happening: just filled with stupid and bad acting and terrible plot 

and awful CGI, but so so SO much fun to watch."

Yeah, I loved that terrible movie.  If it wasn't so competently made from just a cinematography sense, I would definitely consider it nanar.  It is just a little too good to be that bad.  And none of that is "bad" in any sense.  So Dawn looked pretty swell to me!  You got the apes on horseback in some posters, with guns!  It continues the story into a truly interesting part, the part where the planet is in transition.  I was very excited to go, and on Saturday at midnight finally got to see it.  And ...

Wait for it.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is a better movie than Rise.  It is better plotted, it makes more sense, and the technical abilities are clearly improved.  Some of the characters get a lot more emphasis, and there are a few shots that are truly just some of the best most thrilling stuff I've seen in theatres in quite some time.  Also, the dialogue is completely awful, the script is completely lackluster, and every single actor sleepwalks through the movie until they turn evil.

Yeah, I didn't care for this one.  It is a better movie, no doubts about it.  But I actually thought it was really a WORSE movie because I didn't enjoy myself.  There was one character that interested me in the whole film, and that was the villain.  Even the over-hyped Andy Serkis' Caesar was just dull.  Though not as dull as his Woobie son, Blue-Eyes.  

Because I refuse to put spoilers, I cannot really talk in details about a lot of things, but there were a LOT of moments where the film was primed to do something interesting.  And it instead chose to not be interesting, and just be standard.  And that's ultimately what I feel about the film.  It is a perfectly fine, middle of the road film, that I basically did not enjoy.  There was not enough of the fun apes fighting or riding on horses stuff, not enough camp to be enjoyable.  There was a lot of really terrible things, and while there were bits I enjoyed, almost every one of them was super short and then followed by a very long and boring sequence.  

Also, I should point out, the apes are the protagonists in this.  The humans are completely the bad guys.  I do not care how much you pretend like these humans are good guys or justified, they aren't.  The apes are completely right in every single situation where the two races have to bump up against each other.

OH!  And sign language doesn't work when you sign to someone who isn't looking at you.  That happens CONSTANTLY.  I don't care how cool of a pose your CGI ape makes, sign language to the camera does not let anyone beside or behind you see what you are doing.

ALSO!  Characters should notice other people even if they aren't onscreen when they are not obscured by anything in this movie.  I HATE when characters cannot see things because the audience can't.

DOUBLE ALSO!  There is a thing called "pay off."  If you set something up, pay it off.  Don't do a shot of a rocket launcher, and then have not a single rocket launcher be shot.  Don't do a big uplifting moment for a character, only for that character to continue to do nothing of worth.

TRIPLE ALSO!  If you are a female in this film, regardless of species, the movie hates you.  There are three women in this movie that are actual characters, and two of them don't have names, and the other is Felecity who is incredibly miscast.  Hell, every human is hilariously miscast.  They took the casting budget, gave a little to Gary Oldman to just be Commissioner Gordon again, and spent the rest on the CGI.  Also, can I just say Gary Oldman is about the most overrated actor in film today ... other than Andy Serkis.  

QUADRUPLE ALSO!  The movie is constantly raining.  Are they trying to say that once humans are mostly killed off that San Francisco becomes a rain forest?  Because it is raining in a forest?  AND 5x 5x 5x 5x 5x ALSO!  If it is raining in your CGI shots on the apes that are in the water, have some daggum practical rain on the humans that are right next to them!  AND ANOTHER THING, SCIENCE FICTION IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALLEGORY, SAYING SOMETHING WE CAN TAKE AND LEARN FROM, NOT JUST A BORING STORY THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! AND ANOTHER THING ---

Combo breaker.  Thanks.

Yeah, ok, I'm wasting time.  This movie is technically better than Rise, but it is not as entertaining.  Save your money for a rent, don't go to theaters.  That's my verdict, anyway.

Grade: C-

Also, I've been putting this at the bottom of all my reviews last week.  And I got zero questions.  Come on people, I can see how many of you looked at these, I know at least ONE of you had to have seen this at the bottom.  I can't do an Ask Me Anything if you guys don't, well, ask me anything.  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

Nanarsday ... Chopping Mall

Yes indeedily-doo buckaroo, this is time for a new thingy!  I've been wanting to do it since I talked about Nanar awhile ago.  If you don't feel like checking on that link, then lemme explain it to ya real quick.  Sometimes there are movies that you can watch and just know they are terrible, that they have objectively failed in basically every regard from writing to filming to acting.  I'm not talking specifically about being able to see the boom mic or crazy bad jump cuts, though they can exist in these.  But just plain NOT GOOD movie making.  But even though they are indeed some of the worst put together films that exist, they are still somehow good.  Not "quality" good, but enjoyability good or gosh-darn-it-they-are-trying-so-hard good.  That is nanar, that "so bad it is good" feeling that happens with certain films.

I have a love for those films.  I love collecting them, I love screening them, and I love sharing them with others.  Some are better than others on an enjoyment factor, but almost all have some kind of redeeming thing to watching them in a group.  So I want to celebrate with these films!  Nanar films are a perfect example of my rating system, of showing the duality of quality and entertainment.  There are plenty of films that are beautiful, well acted, and well directed and I still hate them.  And there are plenty on the opposite end of the spectrum.  So keep an eye out, because every now and again, it'll be a Nanarsday!  Now, let's stick in our newest film and watch it.

LOOK AT THAT NAME!  LOOK AT THAT POSTER!  LOOK AT IT!!!

Do you see how glorious that is?  A metal hand holding a blood soaked paper bag with handles that is filled with enormous eyes, severed heads, hands, feet, and a monster hand or something?!  And even better ... this has NOTHING to do with this movie.  Not a damned thing.  The only word that is even applicable is "mall."  In the movie named "Chopping Mall" there is not a single ounce of "chopping" happening at all.  What a glorious thing.  This poster screams of "we came up with this awesome title for a horror movie, which is all the rage with those teenager kids, let's make a movie about this!"

Basically, a mall has a new security system of robots that have a bunch of "non-lethal" weapons to protect the mall in case of a break-in or something or other.  Doesn't matter, because the robots get struck by lightning four times and gain sentience, which makes them become ninja assassins and just blindly murder all the meaty two-legs around.  To compound things, the night that happens is also the night of 4 couples getting together in a furniture store for some sex and drinking, wooooo!  And then they slowly are killed by the three robots until only survivor girl and nerd boy survive.

Ahh, hush your mouth, Nathan Fillion.  This is not a real spoiler.  The movie's plot is so incredibly pain by numbers, you know who the two survivors are the moment you see them on screen.  What is the best part is the absolute and utter failure to make this movie work in any way for tension or horror.  Heck, even the gross out effects are barely there, though there is a very nice head explosion.  There are plenty of breasts around in one scene, as to be expected from a horror movie, but there is also a lot of trying to make an elevator work and other weird scenes.

The movie's bad.  Real bad.  We wouldn't be talking about it here if it wasn't.  But there are so many gloriously hilarious things to talk about that happen in the movie.  The janitor's mop bucket of water looks like it is just gravy as he slathers it on the floor before being killed by over the top cartoony lightning effects when one of the Robots tazers him to death.  The acting across the board is ridiculously out of place, over the top, or a little underneath where it needs to be, like they aren't trying hard enough.  A guy shoots a machine gun at the Robot while it shoots lasers at him, and to get cover he just kneels behind the smallest potted fern he could have possibly found!

To the movie's credit, the mall looks good.  Mostly because it is a real mall.  But that's it.  That is the only good thing I can give the movie.  The music is atrocious, the costuming isn't even good costuming with ridiculous fashion just to be silly, and the robots.  Oh man, the robots.  They are the least threatening looking machines at all.  They keep clicking their little robot hands, which are curled up under their chin like they are bashful or something, and the film treats it like it is scary.  And the EVIL catchphrase the Robots use is: "Thank you. Have a nice day."

I cannot suggest this one enough.  Find it, watch it with friends, and laugh and laugh.  There is a dull section right at the act-break between Act 2 and 3, but the movie makes up for it with everything else being so ridiculous.  It fails across the board, just is ultimately a fun watch.

Grade: F+

Oh, and before you leave, I am going to do a second AMA (Ask Me Anything) on August 1st.  So I need questions.  Send me questions in my email, in the comments here, or in my ask on Tumblr, or just somehow.  Mark it on your calender, I'll see you then.

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

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-=- Nanar catalog -=-

Chopping Mall
Dead Heat

Hide and Creep

Lenny the Wonder Dog

Omega Doom

The Stuff

Independence Day special!!! IHAO on ... White House Down - READER REQUEST -

Happy day of celebrating being from a country that is pretty ok in some areas and pretty not ok in others and overall is perfectly fine and mostly just as good as a bunch of other countries but for different reasons!!!  What?  Oh, you want me to be more 'MERICA about this?  Eh, I dunno.  I'm going to need some help.

Nope this isn't going to work, I don't even like 30 Rock.  Plus, it is the exact opposite of how I feel about ... everything, really.  Thinking is what makes use great, and unique.  Having opinions, at least well informed or believed ones, that is what makes entertainment and art so great.  Also, I'm getting super preachy.  Let's keep looking for MERICA gifs.

Hmmm ... bad editing and film quality, holding big guns and shooting them, wearing an eagle helmet, wearing glasses, a whole bunch of stars and stripes ... this is close.  It tries too hard though.  I just don't get the weepy happies about MERICA I need.

Ok, that is an appropriate gif for exactly what I said.  But I feel like I could get something a lot more MERICAN than this, something that hits home for me a lot more ...

Hulk Hogan playing a guitar solo on a Star-Spangled electric guitar with an American flag background.  Yeah, this is what I'm looking for!  I'm starting to feel it!  I can feel it!  Now, I can be done with this entirely arbitrary extra and superfluous foolin' around.  I have a reader request to do!  And it is obvious and appropriate for this day!

Requested by Melanie Jessel

White House Down, an action movie that Cracked claimed was the perfect Die Hard sequel instead of the Die Hard sequel we got in 2013.  That is a great video I linked to, by the way.  It is made by the Roland Emmerich, who made Independence Day, Stargate ... 2012, Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla with Broderick, 10,000 BC, Anonymous ... ok, so the record hasn't been very good for a long time.  And ... the reviews aren't good either.  But ...

But I thought it was great.  Really great.  Super great even.  It is very much a Die Hard send-up that is surprisingly powerful and totally overshadowed by its now-joke of a director and the fact it came out at the same time as another film of the same style.  But damn it, it was great!  And lemme tell you why.

1) Channing Tatum is wonderful as a leading hero.  I never thought he could be, but he was humorous, believable, and excellent at action.

2) Jamie Foxx is fantastic as not-quite-Obama, playing a great president/sidekick with a lot of pathos and a reason to love him beyond just his status.

3) The plot is nicely convoluted, but figure-out-able, making it a thrilling ride from beginning to end.

4) Every other character is interesting, nuanced, and believable.  

5) The action is awesome, and the scope is pretty mindblowing.  

This film really is Die Hard meets Independence Day.  I loved it.  My wife loved it.  My roommate loved it, and he is not an action-movie-big-blockbuster type.  And yet, Roeper called it the worst film of 2013.  The worst film of last year.  Think about that.  Last year, Movie 43, The Last Exorcism Part II, Scary Movie 5, World War Z, the Lone Ranger, and A Good Day to Die Hard all came out!  And A Good Day to Die Hard is atrocious.  Absolutely atrocious.

If you get the ability, I highly suggest you find a way to watch White House Down this Independence Day.  I really cannot fathom anyone thinking this movie was anywhere near the worst film of last year, or even a bad film.  I personally found it immaculate, from pacing to cinematography to acting to scripting to the soundtrack.  The only piece of negative anything to say is that the necessary CGI to film helicopters flying around the White House, or the White House at all, sometimes looks fake.  Sometimes.  And it is never enough to take me out of the film.  

Grade: A++

Happy July the 4th.  I will see you all Monday!

IHAO on ... Omega Doom

I can't help it; I love Rutger Hauer.  It all happened after I watched Blind Fury super late in the night on cable with my best friend on sleepover in high school.  Blind Fury is an awesome movie, by the way, though not a perfect one by any means.  Quick grade is a B++.

Rutger Hauer love has become a large part of my film love, and brought me to a huge number of great films.  Oh, what, you don't know his name off the top of your head?  Oh, that's unfortunate.  Especially considering he is one of the greatest villains in film, from Blade Runner to Nighthawks to the original and AMAZING Hitcher.  Not to mention leading protagonists like in Ladyhawke and the newer exploitation film Hobo With a Shotgun.  With so many great roles under his belt, I decided to go on a journey and collect his entire discography of leading roles.  I've found some terrible ones and some interesting ones.  And I'll keep seeing them.  So expect to see more Rutger Hauer from time to time.

So what about this film?  This obscure, ridiculous, 1996 weird genre-bending western-slash-distopian-slash-science fiction film.  Is this one that will continue to spread my love of Rutger Hauer around the world?  The short answer is ...

I really wanted to find a drum rolling down a hill ...

Heh, this'll work.

Yeah, no, absolutely not.

Omega Doom is very much a western.  It has all the tropes, from the outsider new in town, the warring posses, the trustworthy bartender, the comedic school marm, even a horse.  Also, lots of quick draws.  Oh, and the entire film is about robots searching for guns to kill humans before humans can kill them.  And the bartender serves water because ... robots need water I guess.  And the quick draws are quick drawing energy daggers that they then throw.

But this movie is so much more than that.  It is terrible sound effects for every. single. motion. any. character. makes.  All of them.  It's like a Johnny Test episode.  The dialogue is atrociously corny or worthless.  The setup for this strange version of the future is pointless.  The setting itself is just cheapo film-in-eastern europe.  The action is terrible, absolutely terrible, and the effects are ridiculous.  The costuming and makeup are ... ok, they are fine, they aren't that bad.  But .... ok, do you know what a fish-eye lens is?  Here's a visual aid featuring a cow:

The schtick of the shot is to enhance the center of the shot and create some scope.  Photographers and filmmakers use it to show size and distance for cities and such.  It is an effective tool that can be used in the arsenal of artists.  Omega Doom ... has fish eye on ... basically the entire film.  Every panning shot becomes torture to my optic nerve.  And this is the whole movie.  The whole boring movie.  Ok, it isn't that boring.  It is actually kind of hilarious in how bad it is.  Like many other nanar films, this could be enjoyed in a group with everyone just laughing at how terrible it is.

Omega Doom reminds me of The Happening.  Just a terrible film film with decent to really great actors (ok, one actor in each is really great only, and they are both the leads, who knew) with a surprisingly interesting premise.  Yes, despite all the ridiculousness of the actual film and the setup that is told to us for Omega Doom, it actually had a really cool original premise: nuclear war hit the world, and we have now found ourselves in EuroDisney, with different animatronic characters, now screwed up because of the nuclear war, all interacting.  There is something interesting there.  None of that comes through, not really.  Reading about the EuroDisney thing makes a few things in the very beginning make sense, but the film itself does not understand how to correctly express its ideas.

I think this movie is definitely worth looking up if you love Nanar like me, or Rutger Hauer like me, or just want to get folks together to watch a bad movie.  It isn't quite as entertainingly terrible as Troll 2 or the Room, but it definitely fits in that vein.  I wish I could hate it ... I wish I could love it ... but in the end, I just watched it and still can't decide how I feel about it.

Grade: F+-

IHAO on ... The Broken Bride by Ludo

I'm not sure if this is a fact that has been stated here, but I love music.  I'm a very musical person.  I play piano, sing, dance ... ok, that's about it, but still, that is pretty cool, right?  Whatever, nerd, I think it is AWESOME.  Wait, who am I arguing with?  Ok, back on track.

IHAO has always been a place where I could talk about anything.  Any piece of art or entertainment, I got an opinion (almost).  And music is a good place to jump into.  And I wanted to jump into one of the greatest EPs I've ever listened to: The Broken Bride, by Ludo.

Ludo friend!

Not only is Ludo named after a character in my favorite film of all time, but they are a rock band that does something I think is missing in the vast majority of bands nowadays: they make fun, lyrically creative, concept songs.  On their album You're Awful, I Love You (A++ album) they have songs about stalkers, loneliness in space, horror movie love songs, painful and abusive relationships ... all sorts of crazy things.  Their music is wholly unique, while still being musically something palpable for the masses.  I'm a huge fan.  Please, go search on youtube or Spotify or something to listen to some Ludo, maybe even as I talk about Broken Bride.  I implore you, I think it will more than likely be worth your time.

Then I learned about the Broken Bride.

Golly, just looking at the cover of the CD I get emotional.

Broken Bride is a rock opera.  It is filled with catchy music, soulful music, and just like with all Ludo stuff, incredibly engaging and though provoking lyrics.  As a rock opera, the story is of a man from the 80s dealing with the lose of the woman he loved more than anything at all.  He built a time machine, and is trying to find a way to save her.  The first song, originally a solo song without more attached, blossomed into a whole EP of emotional journey, as well as spectacle and adventure filled journey.  And since it is a story, I have no intention to spoil how it all comes together.  But it is masterful.

The biggest problem with an EP review is that I very much want you all to just GO OUT AND BUY IT!  Go support these guys.  Here, look, I'll help.  Here's the listing on Amazon, only $3 now, which is about a 1/4 of what I had to pay for it long ago when I searched high and low to get my hands on a copy.  This album is wholly, completely, and truly worth the $3 it is now to just explore some new music.  That is a collection of change for a few days.

There are other ways to give it a listen as well.  My greatest suggestion I could give is to take 30 minutes of your life to just sit down and immerse yourself into this album.  Close your eyes and do your best to imagine all the incredible things they are describing, to feel all the emotion in Andrew Volpe's incredibly leading vocals, to put yourself in the same place as our time traveling protagonist.

If you are disappointed, or if this just isn't the music for you, then I apologize.  Music reviews aren't something I'm great at; it is much harder for me to separate my own emotional and subjective views from the pure mechanical aspects of the music, mostly because there is just so much variance out there.  But I honestly would be astounded if you hated the whole thing by the time the 30 minutes are over.

I'd love to hear any of you guys thoughts on Broken Bride, or other Ludo music, as well.  Leave comments below ... or on tumblr or facebook, I link to those all the time.  Or other places, like my email, bathroom walls I frequent, or in hidden valentines with reese's peanut butter cups attached.  Whatever you prefer.

Ludo's Broken Bride EP - Grade: A++

Deuces.

Is that a good sign off?  I always wondered if I needed one.  I had them for FMLs, over at 365orless.com, but those were easy.  I also had them on my videos back in the day, but I never felt like trying to force the "but that's just my opinion" into the end of every entry here.  I suppose it doesn't particularly matter, now does it.  Plus, I like deuces.  It is practical, simple, creative, hip, and life affirming at least a little bit.  So yeah.

Deuces.

IHAO on ... Magic the Gathering: Conspiracy (and other ramblings)

Oh, Magic.  I talked about you before.  Though last time it was more a recollection of good times with friends and the social aspects of the game instead of the actual enjoyments I receive from it.  The social aspects are very important for me, but the thing I really love about the game is the deck building.

Magic the Gathering has been around since 1993.  I played a little in 5th grade, though I didn't own any cards, deciding instead to go with what I thought was the superior game at the time, the Star Wars collectible card game.  Then I moved to Yu-Gi-Oh ... until my buddy Patrick and I learned that the rules were not the same as the first season of the cartoon.  He tried teaching me Magic again, but it wasn't until college when I got back into it.  I remember specifically the moment I was hooked ...

A friend in college, my first friend in college actually, had two unstoppable decks, Slivers and Counterspells.  He also eventually admitted to me he was an absolute cheat and would do so constantly to win.  During that time, I knew two things: one, I liked RED DAMAGE, it was awesome; and two, I love weird blue, especially bounce.  So I asked him how I should go about building a Red/Blue deck.  But you see, back in the day, that was all but impossible.  You see, a major aspect of the game is that each color has a unique identity, including which colors they work well with and which ones are natural enemies.  Blue and Red are ENEMIES.  And they made it very difficult to make blue/red work together.

But I was positive I was going to do it.  And I did.  I figured it out.  I solved it.  I made a ridiculous blue/red deck, got lucky, and a single Unsummon allowed me to swing for the kill.  I did it.  I built an impossible deck, beat a great (and cheating, though I didn't know it at the time) player playing his best deck, and I did it through a combination of ideas and skills all my own.

This image is owned by Hasbro.  Or Wizards of the Coast.  Or whoever I'm supposed to say, whatever, I don't own it, I'm just using it.  Don't get mad.

You see, every player plays Magic for different reasons.  And I promise, I'm building up to the actual review, I just know a lot of non-Magic players read this blog, and I'm TRYING to be entertaining and informative, you, guy who is complaining that I am assuming exists within my average 27 readers.  Mark Rosewater, the dude who IS Magic, defined the players as Timmy, Johnny, and Spike.  He wrote a great article on them, but here is the simple, down and dirty description:

• Spike plays the game to win, to prove something.  He's considered the tournament player, the guy who appreciates every well-costed, powerful card that helps him achieve his objective, and everything else is whatever.
• Timmy plays the game to experience something.  He's considered the power gamer, loving huge effects and feeling POWERFUL.  Enormous creatures, big effects, amazingly large armies, that is what Timmy loves.
• Johnny plays the game to express themselves.  He's considered the combo player.  He looks for cards that spark his interest, or ideas to craft a story or combo of some kind.  Winning the game is less important that pulling off the purpose of the deck, whether it is to feel like a goblin or to draw as many cards as possible.

If you cannot tell by the sheer amount of words written, I am a Johnny/Timmy.  I don't have a Spike bone in my body, though I do enjoy winning the game.  Everyone enjoys winning.  But for me, the most fun is to make decks that DO things.  Such as, I just bought two very simple decks, one based around Scrooge McDuck and using all the player's lives as "money" and focusing on GOLD!!!! ... and the second is a throwback to my favorite original play-style, direct damage red burn deck built around these two great cards that are more powerful the more times I use them.  They even have silly names, from Where the Red Burn Grows to gold. Gold! G.O.L.D.!!! ... you know, based on the Duck Tales pilot/arc and the amazing villain El Capitan!

Gold. Gold. GOLD. gold. Gold! G.O.L.D.!!!!!

Hee hee, I made that gif.  I could talk forever about the decks I love, and the decks I built, but I want to move on to why Conspiracy is so great.  Oh, yes, Conspiracy is awesome.  It is a style of Magic that fits my group's play style perfectly.  See, our general group consists of 4 regular players, including myself, and a group of outliers.  And the vast majority of them are Spikes, which is kind of hilarious for me.  But even more important, we play exclusively multiplayer standard Magic.  And Conspiracy is just perfect.

Conspiracy was designed to be drafted (you build the deck from a pool of unopened pack) including new powerful cards called conspiracies that can drastically alter the game and a bunch of powerful multiplayer effects based on rewards for attacking the "winning" player, voting as a group, or giving a big helpful effect to everyone.  You draft a deck, and then everyone plays a multiplayer game with those decks.  It is perfect.  So perfect we did it at our group's punching bag Spike/Johnny's bachelor party.  By the way, that's where I was for the past missing days of no blogs, doing groomsman activities and stuff.  But that is neither here nor there.

We were able to draft for 3 games with 5 players then 4 in the next two games out of one box and a handful of other booster packs we picked out.  In the first game, I got incredibly lucky by opening my first pack and getting the following card:

I own this card, but not this image.  It is an awesome card.

That meant I spent the rest of the draft just grabbing every single powerful card that came my way.  It was very powerful, and I won that game handily.  I still have that Worldknit, I will always remember it.  I like that.  I like that a card that has very little worth in the real world (there is a large second hand market for cards, which is how my little group can get all our ridiculous decks about flipping coins or exiling everything or oozes oozes all the time oozes) it has crazy sentimental value from that great game.

Second time around was less successful.  As was the third.  I drafted basically the same both times, WUB fliers with strong removal.  The third game in fact I felt terrible.  I was having the absolute worst time drafting, feeling like I was getting nothing.  And that third game ... it was the most fun one.  It ended in a crazy draw because of some shenanigans I was able to pull off (I was trying to make another guy win, but he got killed just before I made the rest of us players all die at the same time).  It was ... 

It is very hard to explain just how great it is to have an amazing amount of fun with a deck you felt was garbage.  The game is built to be the absolute best multiplayer game series possible, with so many big change-up cards and upsets and fun problems to deal with.  It is just perfect.  Even better, it is getting cheaper by the day, as the price of boxes slowly drop in price.  It is a thing I know for a fact we as a group will do again, and I would gladly bring other fringe magic players in on to play even more.  I would even suggest it as a place for players to start if they have never played, as it teaches all the fundamentals of the game, from deck building to making card value choices to how the colors mix and interact to all the amazing strategies.  Anyone who has played games like Dominion or Ascension, it is time to join up with Magic, which is just getting better and better and better.

So yeah, that was my experiences drafting Conspiracy, as well as a bunch of other thoughts.  I guess I should have said it was an opinion on rambling like a fool, and then eventually reviewing Conspiracy.  Whatever.

IHAO on ... Orphan Black

I've stated it before, but it is hard to give grades to television series.  Each individual episode has a slightly different hand at the tiller, be it because of different writers, different directors, time restraints, whatever.  It means that each episode fluctuates on the scale.  Some episodes I love, some episodes I hate, and to just take the number I love and the number I hate and average them is not going to give an accurate read of the series.  So bear with me as I talk, spoiler-free-ish, about the show, and how it has overtaken the viewing habits of my life.

I bought series 1 (ten episodes) at Target for 22.99.  I would have gotten the blu-ray hands down if I had seen it there, and really wish I had.  But I picked it up on a whim.  I thought I'd eventually get to it.  But I was busy torturing myself, so I just didn't have time, not until I needed breaks from putting together the Batman review.  I decided that day to put it in, since the other shows I was watching I was not watching alone.  And I ... man this show is hard to talk about.

Ultimately, I'm entranced.  I must no more.  The mysteries of this show have me hooked.  And a lot of the technicals of the show are amazing.  The cinematography, in particular, is amazing.  As is the acting of our lead, Tatiana Maslany.  Her skills are exquisite.  She is phenomenal.  Other character I love, but they leave and enter importance in varying amounts, but my two favorite supporting male leads are Jordan Gavaris and Matt Frewer, who I will talk about again in a few days; trust.

The central premise is that Sarah, a punk and degenerate who is a mother, is coming back town to see her daughter, run away from an abusive ex, and sell the cocaine she stole from him.  She meets with her foster brother, who is her rock through out all the crazy.  What crazy?  Well, the show opens with her getting of the subway, seeing a woman who looked just like her, though in different clothes, throw herself in front of the train, committing suicide.  And Sarah ... steals that strangely identical woman's identity.  And from there, gets embroiled in a lot she never could have seen coming.

The show is nervewracking.  One evening I was even so tense and terrified that noises outside made me double lock, double check, and re-double lock the doors.  Nothing about the show is "horrific", but it is all tense and thrilling, filled with mystery and suspense.  Some people may harp on the science fiction nature of the show, but I personally find that to be backdrop, mere setting for the real emotional and psychological story going on, which is a great way to do science fiction, by the way.

The hardest part is knowing if I can suggest this to anyone.  It is almost a judgment call that each person needs to make for themselves.  The show curses some, is disturbing pretty often, is tense and thrilling always, is hilarious rarely but truly hilarious when it is, incredibly well acted, beautiful, and a nail-biter that leaves you craving more.  Those are all things that are generally considered good, but lemme point out a few of the "negatives."  This show does not have levity often.  When it does, it is normally very dark levity, and is ultimately actually not levity at all.  Either that, or it is just a throw away line here or there to keep you from being upset.  And while the few actors I mentioned before are amazing, you get a feeling from the rest of the crew that they are not the best money can buy, but they sure are affordable.  That may be a bit harsh, and no one puts in distracting or bad performances.  But some roles are incredibly one-dimensional.

If anything I said sounds interesting, or if you want more information, let me know, or just go find it yourself.  I will be rewatching it soon with others, and that will be an ... interesting situation.  And I will be doing everything in my power to get the second season ASAP.

This gif is not relevant.  Merely funny.  I wanted to lighten the mood.

IHAO on ... Free Birds

Thank goodness.  Torture-Jessel-A-Thon was a rousing ... well, I dunno, I enjoyed it.  I found two films that were generally worth having and sharing, and got to vent about a bunch of terrible ones.  But now it is time to show the other side of the past week.  That's right, I do not just watch the things I am about to write about and then write about them.  I also do other things, mostly because as an insomniac and a lazy sod, I have a lot of time on my hands.  So this week I'm going to go over the things I did to save myself from the horrors of last week's torture.  A few IHAFs will be coming down the pipeline, I'm sure of it.  So stay tuned.  Now, on to a new movie to review!

Netflix, you bring me such wonderful toys.  I get to just set my sights on things and decide "yes I'll watch them" and then I tell you how much I hate them or love them, and then you bring me more things which I can absorb, chew up intellectually and spit out or swallow, and the cycle continues.  Of course, you aren't a perfect system.  And sometimes, gross bits of bones and gristley bits get thrown in with what should be good.  If you are not understanding what I mean by this, Free Birds sucks.

*sigh* I thought the torture would be over, but no.  In my own respite, I just ended up torturing myself, all alone, in the middle of the night, as I tried to write a review about Popeye.  Imagine the pain, the agony ... ok, well, you are imagining too much.  I suppose I shouldn't have worded it like that.  Let's stop with all this frivolous extra fluffy bits and get right to the crunchy review.

Free Birds is a 3D children's adventure film about turkeys, time travel, and saving Thanksgiving.  A few things to keep in mind.  1) This was intended for children, not to entertain adults the whole time, and certainly not to engage anyone in the politicals of Thanksgiving times.  Don't get hung up on the fact that time travel is not used on a better purpose, like saving the Indians from their years of abuse because of expansionist Soverign doctrine of the state, or stopping the Holocaust, or making sure Justin Bieber never found youtube.  This was all contrived on its simple pitch: turkeys travel to the first thanksgiving and save all turkeys.  2) Children's movies also should be good, with high quality, good scripts, excellent film making, and everything else you judge and critique films on.  Just being a genre made for the young doesn't mean you are allowed to make crappy work.  There are great children's films just like there are bad ones.  Free Birds is a bad one.

Plot.  Cowardly, quirky, nerdy turkey is screwed by everyone he knows, then rewarded.  He then gets forced to do a thing he doesn't want to do, and gets rewarded.  He then allows a mistake to happen, blames himself even though it isn't his fault, runs away from his problems, and gets rewarded.  Then he brings pilgrims pizza with blatant Chuck E. Cheese advertising, and changes time forever, except not enough that he alters the future so that none of it happens.  End with an implied rape joke.

I can't decide if I want to use this as just an "implied rape" wave or a broader "inappropriate joke" wave.  Either way, Tosh would have improved this movie.

This movie isn't good.  And even worse, its morals, the thing that makes a kids film worth watching, are atrocious.  Not only that, the film is shoddy.  The animation is awful.  Like, Shrek 1 awful.  Truly terrible designs and horrifyingly bad skin on all the humans, who are in a not small part of this film.  It is crazy to me that the movie came out last year and looks like this.

Even worse than that, the comedy is just not.  It isn't comedy.  It is failed attempts at making jokes.  It is sad, really.  Even the one good joke they used in the trailer they ruin with a 30 second laughing montage with everyone laughing at their own jokes.  Characters are generally terrible or at best, dumb.  And not in a good Rocky way, either.  In a "I forgot what I was doing three seconds ago" "I'm a goldfish" kind of way.  And not a single voice actor seems like they are trying in the least ... except for Keith David, who can no wrong.

I will give the movie this.  There is a sequence that is pretty great where Woody Harrelson's turkey escapes the factory he is from, trying to save all the turkey eggs given to him as their last hope, but he just can't do it, and the film genuinely treats this moment with some weight.  Harrelson doesn't care enough to act any more than the minimum, so there isn't any emotional weight for the character, but it is nice that it is there.  Also, unlike Happy Feet, this movie doesn't choke you in its environmental message.  It knows it has one, but wants to stay true to its silly premise more than doing that.  And I can get behind that.  Oh, and it never once played Freebird.  Way to go not falling to peer pressure.

Yup, sounds about right.  I am really not into southern rock.

But yeah, this movie is bad.  What a way to start my week off of torture.  See you soon with some more.

Grade: F

IHAO on ... Tim Burton's Batman

/\// tOrtUrE-jEssEl-A-thOn \\/\

I knew this day would come.  I knew that at some point, doing this site, I was going to have to finally start talking about a film that I hold a polar opposite view point of than the entire world, it seems.  Or almost.  I don't mean to be defensive or use hyperbole here, but ... you know what, there's not point in postponing the torture any longer.  It's time for me to destroy one of the absolute worst, most awful, poorly acted, poorly directed, terribly adapted superhero movies of all time ... 

Tim Burton's Batman.  Oh yeah, you heard me.

Rotten Tomatoes - Critics 71% ; Audience 84%

Flickchart - 222 of 28311 i.e. in the top ... just look at it, you figure it out

IMDB - 7.6 rating

Metacritic - 66

Amazon.com - 4.4 stars

I have made no attempts to hide this in my life, but let me state it out and be perfectly clear: I love comic books; I love superheroes; and I love movies.  Man comic fans get up in arms about adaptation.  Adaptation is a tricky subject.  You want to stay true to your source, but create something new.  As long as the film is made well, I'm not looking for an exact copy of the comic.  I'm looking for the characters to be true to themselves, even if the plots and details differ some.  The Marvel films have proven that there is a lot of room to make a good film in all sorts of different genres based around comic book superheroes.

And yes, I'm perfectly willing to admit that part of the reason I have such a deep abiding hate for this movie is because I don't hear people talking about this movie badly at all.  I don't hear anyone point out any of the things I will below, not a single thing.  They just laugh it all off and say it is fine and even better, GREAT, and even worse, BETTER THAN BATMAN RETURNS WHICH IS A BOLD-FACED LIE IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE!  The only thing that keeps Batman fresh in the minds of those who defend it are nostalgia goggles, in my opinion.  It makes me feel like I'm ... well, here, I'm just play the gif.

Says it all.

Now, this is a rewritten script, so the format will be a little different, as it is much more linear as it goes through its points.  But the points are solid, and no matter the bombast or vehement disagreement I have with the popular opinion, I hope you enjoy the rundown regardless.  Ok, no more disclaimers, let's get on with it.

The movie opens, and we are introduced to some unknown family and their poor luck with taxis.  Their luck continues to spiral downwards as they enter an alley for some reason, it doesn't make a lot of sense but whatever.  Luckily, Batman was hanging out, watching this specific alley for plot-convenience purposes.  We get some dumb criminals, some really obvious product placement, and finally Batman.  But enough of that, we need to focus on other stuff in this Batman movie.  Over the next handful of scenes we are introduced to our time wasting non-Batman side-characters that don't actually factor into the plot in any way but are given screentime anyway.  These "characters" - more one dimensional story fillers, like packing peanuts or fondant - populate the entire film.  Let's run down the list.  We got Newsreporter Guy, Fat Cop, Commissioner Gordon, the Mayor, a severely unfortunate misuse of potential in Harvey Dent, Joker's henchman Bob.  And the worst offender, Vicki Vale, for much different reasons.

Vicki Vale is not only a poor excuse for a shoehorned love interest slash sex appeal slash damsel in distress, but she serves as an audience proxy.  What is an audience proxy you ask?  Lemme lay some fat learning on you.  An audience proxy is a poorly written excuse of a "character" that lazy writers add to films and television shows so that the audience watching it learns information about characters and setting "organically." The audience proxy learns something at the pace the audience is supposed to learn it.  A lot of tv shows have them, you know the new kid who is the lead character now.  Torchwood has one with Gwen Cooper, who ALSO ends up being a Mary Sue until later seasons.  Oh, here's a good one.  John Myers from Hellboy, who was such a waste of space that he was written out entirely in the sequel thank goodness.  Sometimes an audience proxy can be useful, such as making a relate-able character, think Big Bird who stands for all the children watching Sesame Street.  Vicki Vale is NOT a relate-able character that we can gravitate to, though.  Ugh.

All right, I cannot put it off any longer, let's talk about Nicholson.  He's playing Jack Napier, who becomes the Joker and BAH ALREADY this is off to a stupid start.  In the comics, the Joker is a force of nature, a never to be understood mystery, an element that exists because Batman exists, a shadow created by his mere presence.  He is the total lack of control to Batman's "10 steps ahead."  That is why they are so compelling as arch-nemeses.  Joker's origin has never been revealed in the comics, and never will be, only false leads and lies left about.  For good reason: knowing who the Joker is ruins the Joker!

Not only that, Burton handles the creation of the Joker as deftly as a log rolling down a hill.  We see Napier playing with playing cards.  All the other bad guys make stupid loaded jokes and lines like "You look funny."  Ugh, why do we see Joker's origin?  This movie is upside-down and backwards.  Batman, our protagonist (supposedly) just appears and we have to learn all our information about him through stupid awful Vicki Vale in a passive way, where as they dynamic story and character development is given to Jack Napier.  And that doesn't even begin to talk about how Nicholson actually sucks at playing the role!

There's no way around it, this isn't the Joker.  This is Nicholson in makeup.  He is never really "the Joker," he's always just Jack Nicholson AS the Joker.  Look how successfully Heath Ledger inhabited the role in The Dark Knight.  The Joker was everything I was saying he should be above: a force of nature.  Or look to Mark Hamill, reinventing the character and getting lost in the role for the animated series and games.  It takes some huge, enormous overacting and ego to top the already outrageous character that is the Joker, and Nicholson does everything he can to chew up all the scenery and completely drown the character in his presence.  People who defend this movie want you to only remember the Joker that electrified random gangster guy with the super hand-buzzer, but completely ignore all the overacting that is in no way shape or form believable or even EARNED.

Speaking of terrible casting, I sure am glad [note: read this as "am very unhappy "] that instead of casting someone with gravitas, they just went with Keaton and then added a whole bunch of terrible comedy schtick for him to do as Bruce Wayne.  Comedy is NECESSARY for establishing the characteristics of Bruce Wayne [note: read this as "waste of time, out of place, and tonally dissonant to the film."]  Terrible comedy seems to be a necessity of this script, with non-jokes and fumbling and bumbling, not to mention all the garbage Nicholson does.  Michael Keaton is a mindboggling casting.  Did you know he was cast for his quote "edgy, tormented quality."  Nah, he was cast because Tim Burton + Keaton = Beetlejuice = big money, repeat the process.  Hmm, sound family to Burton's modus operundi now, except with Depp and Helena Garbage Carter.  Now, looking back and including Batman Returns, it really is true, Keaton is an excellent Batman, but I would dare say that beyond looking fine in the suit, he doesn't prove he's capable of pulling off the character until Batman Returns.

So let's get back to talking about the plot.  The plot is swiss cheese.  Absolutely riddled with plot holes so big you could drive your I don't care about finishing this analogy.  How does a bullet defy all rules of physics and ricochet around like it does in the chemical plant?  What chemicals ARE those, anyway?  How does Jack get into the river after falling into a closed off vat?  Is the film expecting me to believe that there is a drain large enough to have a man fit through it at the bottom of a vat of chemicals?  The chemical tank doesn't get refilled or anything, it is sitting stagnant, so if there was a drain that big that lead to the river, the entirety of the vat would be in the river, and we'd have a Gotham FILLED with Jokers.

And after all that, we are back with the stupid reporters, where Vicki Vale tells them she has a date with Bruce ... which doesn't make any sense in the timeline since not 12 hours have passed since the last scene, which was Batman in the chemical plant.  When the HELL did they set up the date?  It wasn't when they were talking even earlier at the party.  Looks like we get to just see important things FEATURING OUR PROTAGONIST happen off screen I guess.  This movie needs a name change to "Plucky Reporters That Do Stuff That Is Ultimately Inconsequential To The Plot!"  And then the electrocution scene happens.

This scene is a reference to the above, and just like everything else, doesn't tonally match the movie at all.  This film was created in an era with the Killing Joke and The Dark Knight Returns having just hit comics stands.  Those were the inspirations, supposedly, for the movie.  So let's take some of the old hokey tv stuff and lampoon it and make it dark and edgy!  That's how you make a compelling Joker, not by USING THE COMICS BOOKS YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY INSPIRED BY TO INFORM THE CHARACTER!  And how in the ever-burning hell did he even get the hand buzzer?  Let alone the fact that it just doesn't make sense as a thing that could exist, we can put that aside because we are in a world with chemical treatments from hell and a dude wearing bulletproof rubber that is designed to look like a bat.  No, I can put aside the science.  But when did he even have the TIME to get it!?  It has been MAYBE 2 days since the chemical accident, at least 1 full day of which he spent crawling his way to get emergency surgery!  ALSO, if you have a handheld electrocuting buzzer, USE IT ON BATMAN YOU IDIOT!  WHY DO YOU NEVER USE IT AGAIN!?

This movie constantly does this garbage.  He has a boxing glove set up to smash his TV in his hideout just in case the news says something that mildly upsets him.  WHAT THE HELL!?  How in the hell did he set that up in 2 days?!  Was that his normal hideout?  Was it already decked out with Joker stuff before hand?!  IT HAS BEEN 2 DAYS!!! Two days to get a superpowered electrocution ring the he NEVER USES AGAIN, as well as set up his henchmen in matching outfits, buy new suits, and set up a boxing glove to punch the tv JUST IN CASE!!!  IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!

Let me go bitch about a different character, to shake things up.  Now in the movie, Vicki Vale is stalking Bruce Wayne, but that is totally ok because she's the love interest so this doesn't raise any concern or suspicion or anything.  And Bruce Wayne, you know, BATMAN, doesn't notice this extremely obvious high heeled stalker at all.  PLUS, how can she not know about the Wayne's tragedy?  Even if she is new in town, THIS IS A BIG DEAL?!  The Waynes owned a HUGE organization and were TRAGICALLY MURDERED orphaning their son.  This is NATIONAL NEWS kind of stuff, and SHE WORKS AT A NEWSPAPER IN THE SAME TOWN IT HAPPENED IN!!!!  ARGH!!

Let's just keep going ... to the museum scene.  You know, Joker and his henchmen come in and spray paint things, "hilariously" to music.  See normally, people crap on this kind of shameless and out of place music video section in a film.  Kids films would do it all the time in the last 80s, early 90s.  It is utter garbage and has no place but to stop the narrative flow to a HALT just to establish ... nothing.  Nothing is established, we already know that Jack is crazy and that his henchmen, who are 0% crazy, are all willing to just do whatever.  But oh no, in Batman this scene is great and fun!  Screw you, people who say that, it is just as out of place and disruptive as it is in EVERY movie that does it.

Oh, hey, who remembers the completely inconsequential, incredibly convoluted sub-plot poisoning scheme that wasted some time in the middle of the movie?  Yah, I see a few hands, but I would wager that a LOT of people completely forgot those scenes even happened.  I certainly didn't until I tortured myself into watching this again.  And hey, guess how this little waste of time ends?  With Joker blowing up his TV.  What, you didn't want to reset the punching glove machine you have BUILT FOR THIS SINGULAR PURPOSE, DESTROYING YOUR OWN TELEVISIONS?!  ARGF@IFJ@vRIjvrv30v8h3n!!!!

I am getting genre whiplash from every single scene being so out of place tonally with the rest of the film, especially scenes with Vicki Vale.  Like the scene where Bruce is going to tell Vicki his secret identity.  Wait, what?!  REALLY?!  This is the most out of character garbage yet for Bruce!  He's known Vicki for how long ... 2 weeks?  A month?  You know what, maybe a year has passed, I don't know!  There is absolutely no sense of time passing in this film, it is just all crammed together.  Luckily, Jack stops Bruce from sharing his identity.  Think about that.  The villain of the film stops the hero from ruining his identity.  Something here is TERRIBLY wrong.  Oh, and we get ...

What a terrible stupid addition to this already terrible and stupid movie.  You do not need to make things PERSONAL between Batman and Joker to make us care.  It is absolutely unnecessary and just lazy screenwriting.  You know what would make us care at all?  If we actually were watching this movie from BATMAN'S PERSPECTIVE NOT DAMNED VICKI VALE'S!!!  The scene ends with Bruce shot a bunch, but he's immune to bullets so whatever.  Soon Vicki does learn Batman's identity, and the film finally shifts focus to actually following and being about Batman.  We no longer need an audience proxy, so get rid of her, turn her into a damsel, and we can focus on the hero.  You know, like we should have been in the first place!  Too little too late.

The movie stumbles to a finale through parades and stupid guns and Batman firing a MILLION bullets and rockets, as well as shameless pandering, and then a bunch of non-fights where Batman throws no punches in the clocktower, people just jump to their death, eliminating themselves.  Including Joker.  And finally it is over.

This film is a mish-mashed, uneven, unfocused frivolous piece of nostalgia that cannot hold up to even the slightest but of scrutiny from a discerning, objective eye.  And it is very hard to be objective considering how much I utterly hate the film, too.  And you know what, that is crazy unfortunate, because Tim Burton had a really strong eye for theme and vision as a director that has slowly chipped away and evolved into the caricature of a career he currently has.  Look at the far superior adaptation made by Burton, Batman Returns.  It is focused, driven, has a strong plotline, great characters, and while the focus may not be on Batman in that film either, that is by design.  Keaton requested lines and scenes cut from the script to showcase the villains and make a darker world.  And they didn't shoehorn in another audience proxy/love interest.  I'll defend Batman Returns to my dying day, to my final breath.

Later down the timeline, you get the Schumaker films and then the Nolan ones.  You look back and you see the West era.  All of those films, regardless of how good or bad they are, are focused.  This movie is a mess, cannot tell a good story, is filled with terrible or pointless characters, is filled with overacting and terrible dialogue, all of the "action" in this movie is the pits ... Tim Burton's Batman fails in every conceivable way I can think to grade it.  The only good thing I have to say about this movie at all is that thank goodness it happened, so that other superhero movies could be seen as profitable and get made.  This movie made a whole heap of money.  Oh oh oh, the main theme is also really good.  The rest of the music is completely forgettable, but the main theme is great.  Those things do not make Tim Burton's Batman stop sucking, though.


Grade: F---

• June 3^rd – Gigli (from Rachel Runion)  Grade: C
• June 4^th – Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (from Joel Gould)  Grade: D--
• June 5^th – Lenny the Wonder Dog (from Jason Schmidt)  Grade: F+
• June 6^th – The Cat in the Hat (from Josh Hendricks)  Grade: F---
• June 7^th – The Cat from Outer Space (from Nicole Clockel)  Grade: B+
• June 8^th – Popeye (from Drew Turner)  Grade: F--
• June 9^th – Tim Burton's Batman  Grade: F---

Oh, and one more thing.  When discussing Batman you eventually get down to "who is the best Batman?"  So I'll do this real quick: Keaton is the best singular Batman, Val Kilmer is decent all around, Clooney is a good Bruce Wayne only, Bale is ridiculous everywhere, Adam West is Adam West, and the only REAL Batman is Kevin Conroy.  But that's just my opinion.

BONUS GRADES:

Batman Returns ........................... Grade: A++

Batman Forever ............................... Grade: C

Batman and Robin ......................... Grade: F+

Batman Begins ................................. Grade: B

The Dark Knight ............................... Grade: A

The Dark Knight Rises ................... Grade: D--

Batman the Movie .......................... Grade: D+

Batman Mask of the Phantasm ..... Grade: A++

Batman Under the Red Hood .......... Grade: B+