IHAO on ... Chinese Zodiac starring Jackie Chan

There was a rule in my household.  A very simple rule that seems to have worked for all movies at all times: Jackie Chan movies are good movies.  I've bought many movies based on this premise.  I have yet to be wrong.  Well, had.  Because today, on the evening I write this, this rule of cinema law became broken.

Chinese Zodiac is terrible.

It is a real bad movie.  Awkward camera shots, really terrible editing, awful dialogue and acting, weird music, and worst of all, most of the action is just ... boring.  Or even worse, it lacks the special quality that makes Jackie Chan scenes so much fun.  At the very end of the movie, in the Guinness Record setting credits, you see a stunt fail, like you normally do for Jackie Chan films in the credits as fun bloopers and proof of hard work.  And it is just ... a maybe two foot fall from a picture frame hung from the ceiling like a swing, and Jackie just laying on his back, getting up with all the speed and grace of a tortoise, medics and actors all around him trying to help him up.  It was the saddest, most discouraging thing I had ever seen as a Jackie Chan fan.  Chinese Zodiac makes me just so so sad.

The year of our lord 2012 - the day that Jackie Chan officially became too old.

So what's the plot?  Lazy.  Really really lazy.  The whole movie is lazy from a story perspective.  JC - yes, that is really Jackie Chan's character's name in the film - runs a smuggling group that steals priceless artifacts.  They are hired to get some bronze statueheads that look and are treated like they are as heavy as a standard American football.  The bad guys trick them, some weird political stuff, volcano sequence, happy ending after that.  Weird action beats all throughout, with only two true Jackie fight scenes, both a little inventive but nowhere near worth watching the film for.

I am disappointed more than anything with this movie.  I have lived 30 years of a life with the fact in my brain that the worst Jackie Chan film was the Tuxedo, which wasn't too bad, or Rush Hour 3, which was bad, but still slightly watchable.  That was the worst.  That was the bottom of the barrel.  And now, my ignorance has been shattered.  Chinese Zodiac exists, and is terrible.  Unwatchably terrible.  Edits don't make any sense, the movie has both too much plot and moves way too fast, I couldn't tell you a single name other than JC, and the action beats are all ridiculous at BEST and indeed get to a point that is ... well, pointless at the end.

Really, do not give this a watch.  If you must anyway, you may find some joy in a few minutes of action in this almost two hour long slog, but they are not worth it.  Please, just go to youtube for them.  Camera fight and couch fight should do it for you.  Just ... leave this film alone.  I do not want you to experience the deep melancholy I have now reached.  I watch these films to save you the pain.

On top of this, One Piece Collection 11 got pushed back to February.  :'(

Grade: F

IHAO on ... A Monster in Paris

My wife loves all things French.  Food, decor, film, music, the whole she-bang.  One of my roommates loves animation, in just about every form.  I love gothic storytelling.  So this movie hit all our buttons, in different ways, and we all walked away feeling good about this movie, though some a little more good than others.

A Monster in Paris is a French animated film.  The story is that the Seine has flooded most of the low portions of Paris, and the people are looking for a new leader.  At the same time, two young men are looking for love.  After curiosity strikes and they accidentally create an enormous singing flea monster, the monster finds his way to burlesque (basically) where the main singer and star names him Francoeur.  It soon becomes a big monster hunt as our bad guy tries to make Francoeur out to be a monster, and our protagonists all look for love and music in their lives.

The film is very beautifully animated, and very fast paced.  A little too fast paced for me, actually, as I wanted much more of Francoeur and much more singing.  The film is not quite a musical, as there really are not enough musical moments for that to be the case, so it comes across as this really nice semi-gothic, Phantom of the Opera meets Jules Verne adventure movie.  It is absolutely a family friendly film.  It is clever, inventive, beautiful, and very well made.  I wish there was more music moments, and more of the beautiful beautiful Sean Lennon (yes, that Lennon, he's Yoko and John's son) singing.  I cannot give this film less than an A, but I am conflicted on how much I like the film.  In the end, I'll never forget it, and talk about with many people, and really, there isn't a better way to say you like something.

Watch this movie.  It'll will be worth your while.

Grade: A+

IHAO on ... Sound of Noise

Six musical terrorists hold a city hostage for 24 hours, and the only one who can stop them is a tone-deaf detective who just happens to be from a musical-prodigy family.  That is how an American film with the same plot and setup as Sound of Noise would have described it.  And it is basically accurate.  But it is missing the heart of the film, the essence of what makes it so good and intriguing.

I have come to really love some foreign films.  Other countries' films very rarely line up with the genre system American cinema uses.  And while our lines have been blending slowly, it is nowhere like a foreign film, which I suppose is part of their "foreignness."  Sound of Noise is a romantic comedy heist action mystery procedural action surrealist art film.  That just doesn't sound ... good, does it?  Well, it does kind of sound awesome, but it also sounds messy.  But Sound of Noise is a very tightly made film.

What the hell are you going on about?

I realize reading the past couple bits that I'm coming across a bit mad.  This is not an easy film to talk about, as you can see me struggle.  Let's just go bit by bit.

The acting is pretty good across the board, though nothing amazing or emotional.  Just all enjoyable and all well done.  The direction is very good, with lots of great little film moments and stagings that elevate the film incredibly well.  And the music is beyond reproach.  When a film is about music, you have to hope the music is great.  And Sound of Noise delivers, whether playing drums on a celebrity's stomach or using construction machines as a drum set.  This movie is like Stomp if that had a real plot.  Listen to the music wherever you can, because it is really great.  Probably because the Six Drummers all play themselves, so you have real musicians playing these parts.  I play piano and know a lot of about music, and all of the stuff you see is not faked or body doubled, it is them playing those instruments, and random objects, as far as I could tell.  That is an impressive feat.

The story is great up to a point.  Right around Act 3, they drop a lot of plot threads that built up the film and focus on a character story for our detective, which I do like, but it does leave a whole bunch of loose ends and could have people asking a bunch of logic questions.  Personally, I was along for the ride based on the characters, the music, and the art of the film.  They had me.  But there are large gaps of logic and plot that happen to bring about this change and progress.  The film also ends on a very quiet note, purposefully, but it does leave the film a little empty on the ending, lacking a lot of culmination.  It isn't unsatisfactory, it just hits its peak early for me and no longer builds to a climax and fervor I would have really loved.

Overall, I really like the movie, and cannot wait to share it with people.  It is a talking piece, and a film to be shared with others.  And the music is all just great.  I recommend the flick, especially for a large group.

Grade: B++