IHAO on ... Chinese Zodiac starring Jackie Chan

There was a rule in my household.  A very simple rule that seems to have worked for all movies at all times: Jackie Chan movies are good movies.  I've bought many movies based on this premise.  I have yet to be wrong.  Well, had.  Because today, on the evening I write this, this rule of cinema law became broken.

Chinese Zodiac is terrible.

It is a real bad movie.  Awkward camera shots, really terrible editing, awful dialogue and acting, weird music, and worst of all, most of the action is just ... boring.  Or even worse, it lacks the special quality that makes Jackie Chan scenes so much fun.  At the very end of the movie, in the Guinness Record setting credits, you see a stunt fail, like you normally do for Jackie Chan films in the credits as fun bloopers and proof of hard work.  And it is just ... a maybe two foot fall from a picture frame hung from the ceiling like a swing, and Jackie just laying on his back, getting up with all the speed and grace of a tortoise, medics and actors all around him trying to help him up.  It was the saddest, most discouraging thing I had ever seen as a Jackie Chan fan.  Chinese Zodiac makes me just so so sad.

The year of our lord 2012 - the day that Jackie Chan officially became too old.

So what's the plot?  Lazy.  Really really lazy.  The whole movie is lazy from a story perspective.  JC - yes, that is really Jackie Chan's character's name in the film - runs a smuggling group that steals priceless artifacts.  They are hired to get some bronze statueheads that look and are treated like they are as heavy as a standard American football.  The bad guys trick them, some weird political stuff, volcano sequence, happy ending after that.  Weird action beats all throughout, with only two true Jackie fight scenes, both a little inventive but nowhere near worth watching the film for.

I am disappointed more than anything with this movie.  I have lived 30 years of a life with the fact in my brain that the worst Jackie Chan film was the Tuxedo, which wasn't too bad, or Rush Hour 3, which was bad, but still slightly watchable.  That was the worst.  That was the bottom of the barrel.  And now, my ignorance has been shattered.  Chinese Zodiac exists, and is terrible.  Unwatchably terrible.  Edits don't make any sense, the movie has both too much plot and moves way too fast, I couldn't tell you a single name other than JC, and the action beats are all ridiculous at BEST and indeed get to a point that is ... well, pointless at the end.

Really, do not give this a watch.  If you must anyway, you may find some joy in a few minutes of action in this almost two hour long slog, but they are not worth it.  Please, just go to youtube for them.  Camera fight and couch fight should do it for you.  Just ... leave this film alone.  I do not want you to experience the deep melancholy I have now reached.  I watch these films to save you the pain.

On top of this, One Piece Collection 11 got pushed back to February.  :'(

Grade: F

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