Ok, let me first talk about the party we had. 9 people, plus my wife and I, came together to party for the Rumble. It is my favorite PPV of the year, and we have a small betting pool we do where we all draft numbers and then we earn money based on the winner, the most eliminations, and the "Bushwacker" or lasted the shortest amount of time award. We all had snacks and we all had a good time as a party. The best part was having new watchers come, as well as my dad, who was a hit with everyone because he is funny.
What about the PPV? How were the matches? They were all pretty much crap, with an even crappier Rumble with an even CRAPPIER ultimate decision. And there was a pretty enjoyable Championship match. Let's ... ugh, let's dig into each of these pretty quickly. Gifs are from wrasslormonkey, go check him out.
THE ASCENSION ARE MADE TO LOOK LIKE FOOLS
The Ascension were awesome in NXT. They had this amazing prestige, power, and presence. They had an awesome moveset and an awesome attitude. They worked hard, even in little reactions. They also got brought up to the main roster. And were immediately mocked by JBL, humiliated by Legends, and then had this match versus the New Age Outlaws where the legends run rough all over the Ascension, they were not allowed to do any of their normal awesome offense and instead just did restholds and got beat up, and then we are supposed to forgive it because of a poorly rushed Fall of Man. Ugh.
THE USOS ARE POINTLESS AND THE MIZ-MIZDOW ACT IS OLD
A tag team championship match, featuring a non-team and the most boring faces in the company. The match itself was fine. Acceptable. And that is the best thing I can say about it. Uninteresting, unmemorable, a waste of time, but acceptable. Oh, and hey, watch one of the Usos botch the stupid Uso-spot that is in every damned Uso match.
THE BELLA TWINS AND NATALYA AND PAIGE JUST ... MESS UP EVERYTHING
I am a defender of women's wrestling in the WWE. I spent much of last year defending Paige and the Bellas, pointing out how good their matches were, how hard they were working, all of that. So let's start this new year by having a terrible tag team match. An eight minute long match that they messed up basic tag team rules, botched some crazy spots, everyone came out looking worse for being in it, and ended in confusion.
Yup, that's a ... sitout hair-pull drop-toe neckbreaker. Totally. Look at Brie's face. She is pissed at Natalya, super duper pissed. And she should be, because Natalya is the one who messed up every single spot in this match. She messed up a tag, she messed up this spot, she messed up every spot. Paige worked hard, Nikki worked hard, Brie worked hard, and it didn't matter, because this match was trash.
That is what you deserve, Nattie. At least in a year and 8 months we'll see a Total Divas episode about this. *eye roll*
BROCK LESNAR WINS A DECENT TRIPLE THREAT, CENA STAYS TERRIBLE
Cena hit the AA so many times, the joke at the party was to keep going up the alphabet, where Cena ended at GG, which means "good game" online, which is a funny coincidence and why I remember it.
This match was pretty fun. In retrospect, it was really good in fact. But that is only after putting it against the terrible Rumble match to follow. Lesnar and Rollins worked real hard. Cena was Cena. The match built to some enjoyable nearfalls, and the final sequences were pretty good. I was certain Rollins was going to win, but Lesnar pulled it out after taking an amazing hit from a big elbow through the table.
ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THE WORST RUMBLE MATCHES I'VE EVER SEEN
This Rumble match was ... ok, here's a metaphor that is absolutely a great way to explain it. All of us watching this match was like all of us eating gross ice cream. The recipe is ice cream, and we all had a hilarious time eating it with each other ... but at the end of the night, you have disgusting ice cream in your belly and feel like complete crap.
This match is terrible. Every single decision made in this match is the worst possible one. The fans clamor for the company to hear them, and are constantly barraged with a real life heel president who says "you'll like what I give you!" Roman Reigns is shoved down our throats, choking us as fans, and ruining him. The booes once Daniel Bryan is eliminated super early in the match is almost deafening. Once Roman comes out, it is even worse. Once he wins, even the Rock, who was brought in as a "surprise" to help try to get Roman over with the fans ... well, look at his reaction to the booes once Roman wins:
The highlights of this match were the two legends. Bubba Ray is back, which is cool, and I hope he sticks around. And DDP showed up, which is awesome.
I feel cheated when the faces I'm rooting for as a fan were all embarrassed and destroyed. A first time viewer heard the reaction and asked me "so, do they not listen to the fans when they make their decisions?" and I answer the very humbling and sad answer "basically, yeah, the fans are ignored." He shook his head and couldn't understand how a company works like that.
The hashtag #CancelWWENetwork trended for a long time after the Rumble. Lots of people showed screenshots of their cancellations. I ALMOST want to cancel myself, but NXT and these reviews keep me around. The Miz, surprisingly, reacted the perfect way for this terrible, terrible PPV, featuring one of the worst Rumble matches I've ever seen: