IHAO on ... Twitch streaming and Super Mario Maker

I cannot in my life think of a game I have wanted more than Super Mario Maker.  There are games I have wanted a lot.  There are games I have paid a lot of money for.  Tabletop RPG games that I need for my collection.  Old school games for the systems I have that I love and refuse to get rid of.  Rare and hard to find board games.  But with all of those games, Super Mario Maker is the only game that has had me obsessing about owning it.  Marveling at the menu system in videos I am watching.  Yes, the menu system!  Have you seen it?  It is glorious.  Part youtube, part tumblr, part reddit, part Netflix.  It is absolutely perfect.  And it is a stupid menu.  With the best music!

I have found so many creators and youtubers and twitch-streamers that are putting out content just for me.  For idiots like me who are drooling over the ability to make your own levels, to play level others have made, homages to old games of the past, new crazy stupid levels like Panga's Pit.  Watch that video if you want to see the most dangerous and ridiculous level of Mario ever made.

I cannot wait to have this game.  Really, I can't.  I'm becoming increasingly annoying about it with my wife, which is really stupid of me, considering all the other things we have to buy and get ready for a big move to our first home in just over a month.  But I cannot help it.  Every single element of this game was made perfectly and specifically for me, and millions of other people are playing MY GAME before I get the chance.  I am scouring the internet to absorb as much as I can on youtube and twitch.  GameXplains, GhostRobo Jr, so many other guys that aren't good enough to mention by name, they all have me chomping at the "chain" as it were to own this game.

The joy I am getting from Super Mario Maker, just as a viewer and a dreamer, is out-shined by my love of Ptken.  Who is Ptken?  He is utter magic, and you need to watch him.  You need to sit in your living room with this man from across the globe and enjoy his tirades and laugh and wonderfully off-key and ridiculous greetings.  "HUH-llo!"  Honestly, of all the guys that I have watched since needing to cram my head full of this game I just do not have the money to own, Ptken is the absolute best.

I have watched him spend 40 lives on one lives on one level, and loved every second.  Yes, the level is crazy, but even better is Ptken's amazing commentary.  "I can do it-uh!" *dies* "...maybe."  I do not speak a lick of Mandarin, but I am promised that "[I] can speak English here."  And Ptken knows just enough curse words and phrases to make watching amazing.  As I watched, more and more people started to follow him, and he always answered with a wonderful "Sank you follow!" to every single one.  Watching him finally overcome that amazing level was glorious.  I didn't need to understand a lick of his language, and together we all enjoyed life and watched him succeed so he could finally stuff his face with food, as he was apparently starving himself until he beat that level.

Next is a level with a school theme, and a section has him listening to a made-in-game song.  He shushes everyone around, and we all listen to this awful song that a wandering goomba plays.  And once it finishes, there is a moment of silence, before a, "HUH?!?"  And then he dies.  And we have to do it again.  It is so amazingly enjoyable.  The level is utter insanity, and not because it is made by some Japanese fella and he is from Taiwan.  It is just insane, and all Ptken can say is what I say, "HUH?!"

A later level has everyone pissed and confused for Ptken that are watching as he is beset by troll-ish trap after troll-ish trap.  A helpful English speaker points that out to Ptken, who takes a moment and responds, in English, "I know ... but ... I finish it anyway."  And he finds a way to succeed through one stupid trap, only to be stuck with another one.  But he doesn't give up.  Just a string of "this is $#!+" and he continues.  And he does it.  And it is glorious.  I know it isn't anything any other streamer hasn't done, but something about Ptken makes it magical.  I feel his pain.  His genuine pain and genuine outrage.  But then he succeeds, with a resounding "Fah Que!"

The amazing commentary continues in later levels.  Throwing a shell into a chain chomp with a "hay-shotted!" had me cheering and laughing!  His "fah queues" and "sank you, Follows" and "lemme try" and "here we go" and "okay, dis wah E-Z" and singing and mroe "fah queues" ... He isn't an amazing player by any means ... ok I lied, he is.  That level I linked to above?  He's one of the like ... people who has beaten it.  Yeah.  He spends his time and beats his levels and enjoys the game.  He is an amazing streamer.  And man.  If I had to wager a guess.

Hours I am spending watching him play.  It is the absolutely best.  Great moments of joy.  Great pits of despair.  "Woo-hoo"-ing along with an Ashley skinned Mario in one level.  Squatting and dicking around to the music as he waits for stupid bloopers to go away.  Plenty of "Whuh duh HAIL?!"s and "Sank you, Follow!"s.  Everyone in the chat, cheering him on and spamming "EZ!" when he beats a level, no matter how long it takes.  We have to demoralize the level as a sacrifice to Ptken!  And to a game that I cry at night because I do not own.

Yet.

Where has IHAO been?

Well goodness, hello everyone.  It has been quite awhile since ... Goodness, the end of January.  I had so many big things planned, like a Mordecai review, a love song playlist, Wrestlemania review, getting a Patreon started, Oscar reactions, and a bunch of other things.  So where have I been?  Lemme tell ya ...

Dee-di-loo, dee-di-loo, dee-di-loo ...

Imagine if you will a small town in Georgia.  Ok, it isn't that small, as the Atlanta Olympics so many years ago brought in a huge amount of traffic and tourism, which is silly that there is still such a large amount of that.  We are basically a suburb of Atlanta, though with a 45 minute travel time to the big city, so I suppose we ... aren't.  Anyway.

In my little not-so-little town, there is a local theatre.  A community theatre.  One in which I am pretty active.  I've acted in a handful of shows, about one a season, and for the past three years I've also directed a show each year.  On top of that, we have an in-house comedy improv group that performed almost-monthly and rehearses weekly.  I also teach an improv comedy class for youths, which is cool, and something I've been looking into expanding.  Anyway, I did all of that pretty normally without much disruption to IHAO.  Really, I had gotten into a pretty good groove.  A friend and I reconnected and started doing weekly films, which only helped the site and our friendship, which is cool (friendship isn't an easy thing for me, for whatever reason ... I'll talk about that some time, too, since I'm blogging for whatever stupid reason right now).  I'm also a house-husband, which is the best thing about my life, really, since my wife is so flippin' successful in her field (she's a clinical therapist).  I'm not a great house-husband, but I like to clean for the most part and I like to cook a whole heap, so it works pretty well.  Normally.

All in all, busy, but not overly so.  Though it got cranked up starting in January.  First came 12 Angry Men.  I suspect you know the story: a group of twelve jurors have to decide the guilt or innocence of a young boy convicted of murdering his father.  I played Juror #7, the guy who just wants out.  It was a nice experience, with a good group of actors.  And I was able to really do something with my character, really think about what was driving him, really push myself and the audience.  It is not a thing I normally get to do as an actor, being a fat guy that tends towards self-deprecation and humor as a defense mechanism.  It was a real good experience, and by itself would not have been much more difficult than what I was already doing.

At the same time, and before, and after, I was directing American Buffalo, the next show in that space at the theatre.  It is an amazing show, and we are currently halfway through the run, which is why I can finally breathe again.  The show has had some barriers and difficulties, like losing time because of losing an actor, and having to rehearse basically every night of the week every week until we opened last Thursday.  But golly, is it a great show.  Of the three shows I've directed, two of them have been able to capture my vision, which is awesome, and puts me above the curve.

Between 6 hours rehearsals, running around doing prep before hand, set building, costume finding, publicity concerns, and a million other things, we also had our improv group.  My favorite misconception of improv means that there is no prep.  That's just crazy.  Improv is not the same as a play, certainly.  Improv is much more like a sport, as my roommates and I have been postulating, which requires practice, running through techniques that make the show better, and improving those improv-ing muscles.  Of course, it couldn't just be that though, as we had some shake-ups at the theatre of the local power structure.  Resign-ings, promotions, quitiing, money-issues, publicity problems, all sorts of things.

I also should point out that all this work is unpaid.  That doesn't make a difference mind you, but it does take its toll.  When I'm rehearsing, I'm not cooking, which means we are spending money eating out.  Also, because of time crunches, we are eating worse because we have to eat fast.  Add to this above cocktail of scheduling, stress, and hardwork: depression, ADHD, insomnia, and the small amount of free-time activites I try to have in roleplaying games and board gaming, loneliness, food poisoning, sinuses from the changing seasons ... Well, I spiraled.

In this metaphorical gif, I get to be Emma Stone.  So ... you know ... that's a plus.

It has been a long almost three months, is what I'm saying.

What does all this mean for IHAO, which was finally starting to get on a roll?  I don't know.  But I felt like I really needed to share SOMETHING.  I'm the kind of guy who needs to talk out his feelings to stop ... feeling them.  Well, stop holding on to them.  And that's what I'm doing.

Once things start to get more constant, IHAO will as well, I'm sure.  And I have some other cool stuff lined up soon, plus all the neato summer movies coming.  So, see you folks soon.  More than likely.

~Jessel

IHAO on ... LootCrate and MeUndies (and other subscription services)

I really enjoy shopping.  Shopping for others, weighing options and watching sales for me, looking for deals, looking about stores ready to find a hard to find item.  In college, my friends and I were all super close to an enormous flea market and we basically went at least once a month, if not every weekend.  My amazon wishlist is ridiculously long, and I maintain it and prioritize it and everything.  I just love that stuff.  Why did I say all that?  I needed a segue paragraph to get into what I actually wanted to talk about ... which you already saw as the title of the article ... which means I kind of just wasted time ... *ahem*

LootCrate is awesome.  My wonderful wife got me a subscription for Christmas, and the january box just came in.  If you are unaware, the idea behind Lootcrate is you subscribe to their service, and each month they put together a "goodie bag" of nerdy stuff and send it to your door.  Every month has a different theme, but they always try to deliver an awesome box.  The Christmas box I actually ended up divvying up as gifts to other people, but the January box blew me away.  A cool t-shirt, a super cool tie, some sunglasses, a weird little Dr. Mario/Dr. Who/toy mash-up thing, a comic book, a notebook thing, it was just filled with great stuff.  On top of that, the presentation itself is amazing.  The box can be folded inside out to have an awesome grey and orange (my favorite colors!) old school NES for your little toy to play on.  I have him sitting up on top of bookshelf, gun in hand, presiding over the living room like a video game sheriff.

What do you mean this is an excuse to show off other stuff I collect, like rare Labyrinth books and Ravenloft stuff?  :D

I am a big fan of LootCrate.  But more than LootCrate itself, I am enamored with the subscription model of buying stuff that is popping up.  NatureBox is a heathy snack site I've been looking into for awhile now that does subscriptions of good snacks.  They have a huge variety, you pick what you like, and they send it.  But unlike LootCrate, you can also micromanage your order.  Didn't like that Pineapple Cashew Curry something or other?  Then you can for next month get something different from their frankly enormous menu.

I also just got my first order from MeUndies.  I have only made one New Years resolution that ever lasted, and that was to never wear boring socks again.  I love colorful fun socks.  Well, MeUndies has awesome socks, ON SUBSCRIPTION!  So I bought my first pair, then signed up for subscription, where you get one unique pair a month.  But even better than NatureBox and LootCrate, if you don't like the socks for the month, just say "skip it" and it doesn't cancel your subscription, you just skip that month!  EVEN BETTER, they sent me a free snapback and a letter thanking me for joining and being part of their "family."  Yeah, it is marketing, but it is totally marketing that worked for me.  My wife and I decided to try the underwear as well on subscription, and they are fabulous as well.  The quality is amazing.

Even better than all that, if you guys want it cheaper, I can do that too!  MeUndies has made life even easier and I can get you a big ole 20% off!  Let me know and I'll hook you up, cuz!

I'm super excited about this model.  I love the ones I'm involved in, and want to look into more.  These kinds of subscription services are great for companies, and even better for us as consumers.  Take a look, and if you want cool socks and underwear, I'll give you that hook up!

IHAO on ... Oscar Season and the 87th Academy Awards Nominees

I do film reviewing as my main job here at I Have an Opinion (click the link and like us on Facebook, too!  Then share it!  COME ON!).  Last year I wanted to touch on the Academy Awards, but didn't really feel like I had the opportunity or time.  But this year, I was paying attention, and I'm going to be reviewing every single Best Picture of the Year nominee before the Oscars air, as well as a bunch of other ones, so that I can come to a conclusion based on what the Academy says.  I already told you all what my Best Films of 2014 were, now its time to see where I line up with the Academy.

But, firstly, looking at the nominees list, I got a few things to say.  *ahem*

HOW IN THE LIVING HELL DID INTERSTELLAR GET SO MANY NOMINATIONS?!  IN THE SOUND CATEGORIES NO LESS!  I don't care if you like the film, if you love Nolan, or you hated it like I did, every single person can agree that the sound in Interstellar is ABSOLUTELY AWFUL TRASH!!!!!  HOW CAN INTERSTELLAR THEN BE NOMINATED FOR BOTH SOUND MIXING AND SOUND EDITING AND ORIGINAL SCORE?!?!  WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?

Ok, with that out of the way, let's touch on some other thoughts I had looking at the list:

 - Awesome, Birdman hit almost every category I thought it would!
 - I really need to see Foxcatcher, so I'm throwing that on my list
 - Guardians of the Galaxy really should have gotten more, but genre is a hard sell.  It is also very interesting, and a thing I never noticed, but there isn't a way for the Academy to think about soundtracks or mix of songs as important to a film, which is nuts considering how many films that would affect, especially Guardians' Awesome Mix Vol. 1.
 - Editing is normally shorthanded to "movie with the most edits in it," but the nominees this year are a lot smarter and filled with way better technique.  I'm very interested in what will shake out here.
 - Gone Girl's only nomination being for Rosamund Pike, while deserved, really shocks me.  I mean, I had a hard time with that movie, remember, but still, I thought for sure at least Fincher would get a nomination.
 - Seeing Nightcrawler show up for screenplay is pretty fantastic.  I've liked Dan Gilroy's writing, and I think this is a good script.  Hell, I could see myself in a few weeks, when I do my official predictions for the Awards, going with Nightcrawler over Birdman.
 - Between Big Hero 6, BoxTrolls, and How to Train Your Dragon 2 - which I actually saw in theaters but walked away feeling it was so average I couldn't even muster up a review for it - I think the choice is easy.
 - If "Feast" doesn't win best animated short, then something is wrong with the world.  It was for me the best part of Big Hero 6.  I'm crying now thinking about it.

That's my thoughts so far.  I'll keep you all abreast of each Best Picture nominee, and I'll try to do at least one a week all the way up to the awards next month!  Until then.

IHAO on ... 2014 - a Year in Review Prologue

*Blows a stupid plastic horn and throws confetti*

By the time Thursday rolls along, we will be in a brand new year!  2014 has been a pretty great year, but at the same time an incredibly difficult one in a lot of very personal ways.  It has been filled with wonderful entertainment as well as some real garbage.  Insomnia and depression, but great friends and times spent with loved ones.  And, most importantly, it has been the first (almost) full year of steadfast reviewing I've done.  I've learned a lot in this year, and I have bigger and better things planned for the future, including new kinds of articles and editorials, a facebook fanpage, a new potential for fan subscriptions to support IHAO, and a lot more reviews.

With so much having happened, I have a lot to cover.  So I am writing THREE “Of the Year” articles for 2014: Wrestling, Film, and Everything-Else!  I asked my friends on Facebook to provide categories for the Wrestling and Everything-Else articles, and the Films will be an actual gathering of the best (and worst) I've seen for this site this year.  I hope to see everyone commenting and enjoying themselves all week before we jump into a brand new year with new reviews starting on January 5^th (or maybe a little sooner!).  See you tomorrow for WRESTLING BEST OF THE YEAR 2014!

~Jessel

Time to clean up that confetti

IHAO on ... Christmas Shopping and Dirty Santa Parties!

I love Christmas shopping.  It is a point of pride for me to go looking for gifts for people and giving it to them.  I love filling stockings, surprising people with thoughtful gifts, and finding great hidden gems in flea markets or obscure antique stores.  I also like hosting.  Or, more accurately, I like being in control of social gatherings.  That probably sounds a lot more awful that it really is, now that I look at that sentence.  What I mean is that I personally get social anxiety pretty easily, but if I'm the one who puts together the party or social gathering I have something I can focus on which allows me to channel my stress into something productive.  It's what I love being a DM for Dungeons and Dragons and other table-top roleplaying gmaes, why I love owning as many movies as I do so that I can have folks over to share movie experiences, why I love getting the WWE Network so I can have people come over for NXT and such.  Of course, I have been sick since that party, so maybe all the stress, even channeled, isn't great.  But that doesn't really matter, because we had a great party and a great time shopping for it.

So what is a Dirty Santa party?  Or more specifically, how did I change the rules just a smidge to make it my own version?  The goal of this party was to have all of our friends, all strapped for cash and wanting to buy gifts for everyone, to instead by one good gift and then we Dirty Santa it.  It is like a mix of Secret Santa and good old fashioned game show antics.  Did it work?  For the most part, absolutely.  Here were the rules:

1) Buy a present and bring it wrapped.  Present must be between $10 and $50, no less and no more.

2) Once everyone has arrived, I give point values to presents for a bit of meta-knowledge ((I will explain this a little further down))

3) Everyone draws a number to create a turn order

4) In turn order, you may either open a present or steal one that has already been opened.

5) No Take-Backsies Rules: If a gift has been taken from you, you cannot steal it back until it has shifted to another player.  No stealing from the person who stole from you, basically.

6) Once everyone has had their turn, Number 1 has the option to put the gift they currently have back into the pile and steal one last time.

And that's it!  Was the party successful?  For the most part, yeah!  Lots of great gifts, only a few duds, and everyone had a great time!

Now, to get to this point, I had to create a stupid point system to help make the shopping of presents fun.  See, some of my guests HATED shopping.  But I helped out and now can share a pretty fun and simple shopping game.  Here's how it goes:

There are seven categories for all presents: NERDY, BOUGIE, RANDOM, $$$, COMFORT, FOOD, and then a specialized one for your group that hits most of their interests.  That could be SPORTS, MOVIES, RELIGION, or the one we used, THEATRE.  Once you have done that, try to give every guest three of four categories that you believe they would fight for a present of that type.  Try to make each guest have a different set of likes, just for variance.  Once you have done that, it is time to give a point value to every present:

 - 2 points per category the gift falls in.  Don't be generous here.

 - 1 point per person who you determined might steal this gift based on category.

 - BONUS: if the gift hits every single guest for a point, the gift gets a 15 point bonus

 - 1 point per $10 spent on the gift, rounded down.

 - 1 point if the gift is unique and not just "got it at a store"

 - 1 point per size difference based on the standard: a shoebox

 - 1 point per weird shape based on the standard: a shoebox

And there you go!  With 15 guests (and one wild card) we had a maximum point total of 94 and a minimum score of 7.  At our party, our lowest point value gift was a set of foam dice and our highest was two months of LootCrate!  Though, the present that actually won the game, i.e. the one that was stolen the most often, was a ridiculous framed painting of a bougie woman with a leopard all decked out in furs and diamonds.  You never know what is gonna do well and what isn't!

Now, evaluating how this holds up, I have a few points I could have improved upon.  One was to really hit home that this wasn't a joke gift, white elephant party, but supposed to be a gift replacement, like with Secret Santa.  Also, I really want to next time hit home the "buy a NEW gift" to avoid regifts.  And I came up with the point scoring system very late in the process, so I should make that public earlier, because as silly and arbitrary as it was, everyone enjoyed having the gifts be valued and it made for an interesting meta-game as some people went for the nicest wrapping, some went for the biggest, and some went for things based on their scores.

I look forward to doing this party next year.  And every year after.  And am thankful that I had 15 friends that I wanted to invite, even if it did stress me out to no end up to the party itself.

IHAO on ... Horror and Thriller (genre editorial-ish)

Instead of talking about a specific horror film, I want to talk about horror in general today.  Why?  Because Halloween of course!  Well that, and the fact that this is my wife's birthday month, and with it also being Halloween, it is her favorite month.  So, I'm going to do a LOT of horror movie reviews, as well as some other Halloween related reviews, and a few other things, like finishing up the Lethal Weapon franchise.  What's on the docket, horror-wise?  Well, here, I'll first give you a run down of all the (pure) horror films I've already reviewed (in writing):

Chopping Mall

Frankenstein's Army

Hide and Creep

Oculus

Stephen King's The Stand Miniseries

The Stuff

Really, that is not a lot.  Which is good, because I'm doing a theme-ish month to help out this poor genre.

You may be wondering to yourself, "hey, self, what kind of horror films does jessel like?"  And then maybe "hey, self, that's a stupid question, what do you mean what 'kind'?  there's more than one?"  And then perhaps "hey, self, maybe we can learn about some different types of horror films in a blog entry on some dude's site that is filled with both opinions and solid objective reviews!"  Well you are in luck, even if you don't capitalize anything.  Yes, Virginia, or whatever your name may be, there are lots of types of horror films.  In fact, I'm super picky about one of them, and give it its own genre: Thriller.

I know I've talked about thriller before ... or at least, I think I have, but here's my justification: a horror film is made to scare its audience.  Its purpose is to shock and awe with terror, through a few simple means: gore, fright, or terror.  Gore is just that, a whole bunch of blood and guts.  Think Evil Dead franchise.  Fright is about getting that jolt of terror out of the audience, sometimes called jump scares.  Many movies have them, but there are a lot of horror movies that only focus on jump scares, like the Paranormal Activity franchise.  Terror is about the build up of suspense and unease to finally get paid off with imagery, call back, or dialogue that truly shatters you deep inside.  Most of my favorite horror films are "Terror" horror films.

A thriller is very similar to a "Terror" horror film.  The difference is, it's goal, instead of being to shock and awe the audience, is to leave a permanent impression.  Horror films can leave a subjective impression, certainly, but a thriller is built from the beginning to stick with you.  A horror film is over when the credits roll.  A thriller is over when you finally get a nights sleep without thinking about it.  It is a ... almost completely arbitrary difference to make, but to me it really does feel like two separate types of films.  Silence of the Lambs isn't a HORROR movie, but it has a lot of similar elements, hence THRILLER.  Not all thrillers are appropriately close to horror, though.  It is an odd little genre, but quite possibly my favorite.  That said, I'm going to be touching on a lot of thrillers this month as well.  Here's a nice list of the (applicably horrific-ish) ones I've reviewed on the site in writing as well:

+1

13

Class of 1999

The Human Race

Odd Thomas

Oldboy

What is the purpose of this little entry before we get to the movie reviews?  Is it really just to be a bank for my previous reviews?

Yes.  Yes it is.

But also as a nice buffer to get us in the right mindset!  I have a lot of great films coming in and that I've already bought, waiting to review, including all seven Saw films as the next franchise review!  I also want some requests from you folks for things specifically within the Halloween mindset to review.  I want a Reader Request each week, at least one, so leave some comments and the first four I receive (that I can get a hold of) will get reviewed, regardless of quality!  Hold on tight, boys and ghouls, we'll have slashers, psychological stuff, zombie stuff, crap-your-pants jump-scare-fests, and everything in between!  See ya tomorrow for the first review .. Saw!

Arbitrary Numbers: Top # Kid Snippets

I talked about previous a great comedy youtube channel and series of videos for you to watch whenever you want, sharing it with everyone.  Well, recently, there has been an epidemic of funny going on on another channel.  It is an epidemic because it has spread throughout the house, all because a crafty girlfriend brought it in, shared it with her boyfriend, then he shared it with me, and I shared it with my wife, and then we've started spreading it to everyone in the house, and now outside of the house.  The humor is contagious, improvised, and perfect in almost every way.  There are 96 episodes currently, and they update with a new one every Monday.  And it is just absolutely glorious, and as you can tell from the title, it is called Kid Snippets.

Kid Snippets can be found on the Bored Shorts TV channel, and they are glorious.  Basically, they give a setup for some scenario or scene to some kids, probably no older than 10 (I'm not sure on their age), and then record them playing out the scene.  Then, a group of fantastic actors get together and stage and film this audio, lip syncing it all perfectly.  We don't know the actors names in our home, so we call our four favorites: Neil Dad Harris, Goatee, Handsome, and the fourth one that is really really good.  There's also Hat Guy, Blonde Chick, Big Eye Girl, and a lot of others that don't show up as often.  But it is mainly those four, and they are amazing at what they do.  My PERSONAL favorite is Handsome, followed by Neil Dad Harris, but really they are all just incredibly good at it.

Now I know that you all cannot just jump into 96 episodes of a youtube channel show, even if they are all basically 4 minutes or less.  So I've decided to do another edition of Arbitrary Numbers!  So here we go!!!

Top 21 Episodes of Kid Snippets

Ok, so that's a bit much.  Hmmm ... ok, lemme cut these down some.  Just the cream of the crop, the absolute funniest, the ones that everyone I know cannot stop quoting.  Also, I'm going to instead of embedding the videos, which makes viewing on mobile devices hard, just going to link in each listing, so click on them already!!  So that trims it down to the ...

Top 9 Episodes of Kid Snippets

#9 - Pest Control

Pest Control is a great starting point.  It is just two kids, talking about bugs, and how they ruin your house and your life and the UNIVERSE.  It also features my favorite actor, Handsome, just being charming as hell, and doing what he does best: accurate, nonverbal lip syncing.  See him cough and lisp and over-articulate just like his voice is just amazing.  It also has a lot of really clever, but not in your face, visual gags that I absolutely love.

#8 - Josh Groban Backstage & Josh Groban Pizza

I was going to put some funny gif, but this one is so well lit and shot ... it made me swoon.

In this two parter, we get to see that Josh Groban is not only funny, not only has a voice of the most beautiful baritone angel, but he also knows how to lip sync to little children getting indignant about pizza and not being able to go backstage.  It is pretty amazing.  The only reason these aren't any higher are because of pure hilariousness.

Josh Groban Backstage is quite literally Josh Groban not being aloud backstage at his own concert.  But it features a little kid who sings, an amazing editing joke, and some pretty awesome freak out work.  But I'm gonna be honest; this video only makes it in because of its connection to Josh Groban Pizza.

Josh Groban Pizza is perfect.  It features 4th Man and Josh Groban, and is absolutely astonishing.  Fake yelling, an argument about how long it takes to make a pizza, a celebrity going nuts not getting his way.  It is perfect.  Josh Groban is hilarious here, as is 4th Man, and I cannot wait to see Josh Groban return to Kid Snippets.  It is absolutely quotable, and my roommate and I find ourselves quoting this exchange a lot.

#7 - Weight Loss Infomercial

Look, everyone, Goatee and Neil Dad Harris!  These two are so good at what they do, and Neil Dad Harris in particular can absolutely ruin me with just a look.  But we have a special case here, as we have another celebrity on this video: Benson.  Benson is a comedy god, and is probably only 6.  The world is going to change drastically when he gets old enough to become the next Dane Cook + Seinfeld + Bill Murray.  I cannot wait for the day.  He is incredibly fun to quote and the actors always seem to love performing his little tirades.

But what happens in Weight Loss Infomercial?  Well, they try to sell us some weight loss pills.  Ok, so the setup isn't hilarious, but Benson and his little girl friend that he seems to bounce off of a lot in these just absolutely make this one.  It could be higher if they took the joke further and there was more to it, but Benson alone is hilarious, and this video had to make the list.  How how how how how!

#6 - The Wand of Universal Power Part 2 (and 1 and 3)

Just like the epic-ification of films, we need an epic series of kids acting out LARPing.  And this is perfect.  I put Part 2 first because it is my actual favorite and is incredibly hilarious.  It just has two kids arguing over what noises chickens make.  That joke has been quoted almost every day since we saw this video.  And they keep getting better.  The costuming, the location, the acting, it has every single one of the kids and every single one of the actors.  It is a huge undertaking, and I cannot wait for the epic finale.  Check them out:

The Wand of Universal Power Part 1

The Wand of Universal Power Part 2

The Wand of Universal Power Part 3

Also, Benson is the evilest of evil.  :D

#5 - Ultimate Workout

Ultimate Workout is the perfect use of denial.  You see, denial is a form of subversion in comedy.  A character sets something up, only to be denied, forcing the character to up the ante.  Every time they get denied, the tension grows and the comedy does.  Denial does't necessarily mean "no" every time, such as with Who's On First, the very famous routine, which is a classic two-man denial sketch.  But here, it is just "no."  And Goatee doing an amazing job of getting so frenetic.  It is just a great joke from beginning to end, and it is hard to believe we just have little kids making such perfect jokes.  Check it out.

#4 - Book Report

Benson, you spoil me.  You absolutely spoil me.  Because this is amazing.  From how earnest the little girl is in giving her little book report on the movie Frozen, and singing so sweetly "Let it Go," and 4th Man (I've got to come up with a better thing to call him, because he's SOOO good, I hate to continue to make him sound like the bottom rung of skill of the 4 greats) just being so soulful.  Then Goatee once again playing Benson as another dick, this time as the teacher eating snacks through her Frozen book report.

Book Report is just wonderful.  It is the first one I watched, and it hooked me.  And it will have you quoting "Continue with your book report" all the time.  Check this one out.

#3 - Cooking Show

Sometimes these videos are hilarious because of the kids.  Sometimes it is hilarious because of the acting.  But sometimes, you get the perfect mix.  Throw in some slapstic ridiculousness, and ... I can't even.  I just can't even.  

The best part about this video is that the recipe the kids come up with on the Cooking Show, they actually make.  You watch them throw all these things together in a bowl, then in the oven, and actually get to see the results.  It is so viscerally hilarious and disgusting.  And on top of that, the kids arguing with each other on ingredients, and the adults putting on these enormous smiles!  And there is a moment where you can just see everyone having a great time, with the kids laughing to each other and the adults, Neil Dad Harris and Goatee, just laughing along in sync.  It makes me happy inside.

#2 Star Wars Cantina

Kid Snippets version of the Star Wars Cantina is just wonderful.  Just like with the epic, we have amazing costuming and visuals.  But with it being Star Wars, the kids know the story and all together retell the Cantina scene.  It is so glorious.  They hit every beat of the plot in the scene, and do the characters hilariously.  Hearing the kids do alien voices, and Luke just laughing at the noises is so wonderful.  Plus, there are so many quotable jokes: "Faster than a CENTIPEDE!" "I'm still here.  See, I came back."  And we get Neil Dad Harris just smiling and laughing, Handsome being a hilarious kid version of Chewbacca, Goatee playing Obi-Wan, and 4th Man being the mouth of Benson playing Han Solo!!  It is the PERFECT Cantina scene.  There is nothing better.  I'd rather watch this on loop than any episode of Star Wars.  And even better, it is only 5 minutes long, and is criminally not at a million views yet.  Help this video out!

Now, before I get to the number one, I have to reiterate, these are not the only good ones.  Having to cut out a bunch of videos was hard.  There are SOOOO many hilarious ones, like Repairman, Bedtime, or Drivers Ed.  But I want to allow all of you to explore!  Check out Kid Snippets on Bored Shorts TV and subscribe!  These guys are incredible.  Now, number one ...

#1 - Hunting

It is so incredibly hard for me to put into words why Hunting is so perfect.  It is Handsome and Cute Girl running around in the woods hunting.  It is like a live action cartoon with how the comedy hits.  It just does not let up.  I'm always laughing so hard that I miss jokes.  It is jam packed with incredibly jokes over and over.  And Handsome and Cute Girl are both so good.  So incredibly good.  Seeing Handsome be willing to use all his articulation-sync on the amazing animal calls murders me dead every time I watch this video.  Go, go watch it.

Really go watch them all.  Share them on facebook.  Share me with them.  Share them with ME!  Let's get everyone involved to ONE MILLION thousand views! Before you leave, also, I need your help!  I am goign to do another AMA on August 1st.  So I need questions.  Send me questions in my email, in the comments here or in my ask on Tumblr.  Mark your calender and help a brother out!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

IHAO on ... Insomnia + Depression PLUS Announcement

It is hard to start talking about any of your own deficiencies or flaws, especially mental or physical ones, on the internet because of a lack of context.  I could tell you "I have insomnia and depression" and that doesn't really mean anything.  Yes, those words have meanings, and people who have those sometimes quite debilitating illnesses/problems certainly may suffer.  But in the magic of internet land, the only things that actually exists are words, and people's perceptions of those words.  I could tell everyone/anyone reading this "I have a purple cat named Checkers" and you either read that and say "sure, I believe that" or "whatever, probably a lie, that doesn't particularly matter."  But you take it to a more personal level, telling people "my uncle just died" and the natural skeptic comes out.  You may still say "sure, I believe that", but there are plenty who go "whatever, probably a lie, that doesn't particularly matter."

So when you get to folks who have legitimate problems, such as the Frogman over on tumblr (a great dude who puts out some great content, if you for some reason are brand new to the internet and didn't take the Introductory Class that puts him onto your radar for semi-daily content viewing) or to a lesser extent myself, it is hard to completely grasp or even care what they have going on outside of the content they put out.  I suffer from insomnia, an illness that ultimately makes it difficult for me to achieve successful and restful sleep, and depression, which I really don't feel like talking about.  Wikipedia exists if you want info on it.

I say this because every now and again, one or the other of the two flares up.  Maybe I get a thought stuck in my head that makes it hard to motivate and accomplish anything.  Maybe I go 5 days with a total of 6 hours of sleep.  While those things are sucky, they generally are not worth talking about.  When both stack on top of each other ... well, then I a week without doing any work and get stuck continuing to not do any work for this site.

So what's the point of bringing this up?

Good question ... I think?

Yeah, I dunno, it isn't really to enlighten or inform.  Really just to ... start talking again.  To get back to the screen and start talking.  The hardest thing about wanting to be a writer professionally, whether it be fiction, comedy, or critique, is that you gotta flippin' do it!  You gotta start putting words down.  Good, bad, doesn't matter, you gotta do it every day.  And I did not.  But I'm working on it.  And I'm sure sometimes I'll go another week without putting anything up again.  That'll suck, but I'll come back and continue to do what I need to do.

So yeah, thank you, ultimately is where I'm going.  I do not generate a lot of views, but I love every single one!  I love every share and comment, and I appreciate them all.  So I want to show you my appreciation.  I try to do a Reader Request every week, and I have one that will be going up in the next few days (once the holiday hijinks gets over with and I can sit down and finish watching it).  I also make sure to cover any big wrestling events that happen, and two are coming in the next seven days.  So I want to do something special for you folks that read me every day after and beyond.  Especially the ones that make it down here to the bottom of this mostly boring little article.

From June 3rd to the 8th, I want to have TORTURE-JESSEL-A-THON!  I am going to put myself through the worst films and most hated films that all you guys can think of.  I'm going to collect them all over the next week, and debut the schedule on Monday, the 2nd.  Then for a whole week, you will get to see me go through pain for all your pleasure, ending with a very special, very controversial IHAO that was supposed to be filmed years ago but I never had the guts to actually shoot, featuring a movie that makes me fuming at the mouth angry, and might be my most hated film.

So, send comments, shares, do it on facebook, send them over email, put them in the donation box with a little cash attached (that'll make it MUCH more likely to get done coughcoughhinthintaskingformoneybutnotseriouslyenoughtonottrytocoveritupwithabadjokecoughcough), put them on post-it notes and sneak them into my pants pockets when you see me out and about buying groceries, whatever!  You got one week to give me the most horrible daggum things you can think of to watch and torture me with for a full week of reviews.

And again, thank you for your patience, support, comments, and most importantly, your attention every now and again.

/\// tOrtUrE-jEssEl-A-thOn \\/\

June 3rd through June 9th

I Have an Onion on ... Crisp Velvet Onions

Welcome back everyone to I Have an Onion!  Today, we are going to talk about Crisp Velvet onions.

The crisp velvet onion is a special variety only grown in the orchards of Westchester County, Arkansas.  It is known for its very unique texture, which is probably best described as soggy carpet pieces.  The smell is stronger than most, which means the tears are much more forthcoming.  Sometimes, you just really want a good cry, and I cannot suggest the crisp velvet more for that purpose.

When going to the supermarket to find them, first know you are not going to be able to buy them at Wal Mart or Target, or something like that, which is a knock against them.  But if you are willing to go to the shadier of farmer's markets, you can very easily get some by greasing a few palms.  Make sure you aren't swindled, though.  The onions you are going to want are going to be slightly purple in color, not the yellow ones.  The ones that are yellow have yet to ripen, and are actively poisonous to the touch if you haven't handled onions your whole life.

When you get home, you now have a lot of options.  I find that C.V. onions work best as a topping to most things: pizza, soup, cereal, oatmeal, a nice looking blouse, cheese.  Just experiment a little in the kitchen.  Have fun with it, and be prepared to have the best therapy you can have from a piece of tuborous food.

For me, these tiny bits represented what was left of my confidence after my significant other left and took the kids and dog with them.

In summation, the crisp velvet onion is a beautiful product that deserves a chance to be in your household.  If the smell is too strong, I can understand why you would avoid it, but I'd recommend it.

Grade: 2 Shreks

Have a great April Fools.  :)

IHAF ... Man in the Box

The internet is a magic place.  Not literally of course, because magic doesn't exist.  And no, I do not agree with or believe in the stupid technology=magic garbage that is in the Thor movies, and a bunch of other stuff.  I absolutely hate that garbage.  Let the two things be different!  They serve different purposes, narratively, and flavorfully.  Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

On the internet, there is a lot of great content.  A lot of pretty good content.  A lot of good content.  And a whole heap ton of absolute, complete and utter garbage.  Even among the great stuff, though, it is hard to sift through things.  This isn't like a good television show, which even the BAD ones had a million or so viewers.  This is about 30K or 40K views, a pretty relatively small number.  A number I'd kill for, certainly, but it isn't amazing or ground  breaking stuff.  And a lot of great content exists at that rate.  And Man in the Box is just that.

I Have a Favorite (Internet Show) ... Man in the Box

There aren't a lot of gifs of this to share with you all, but I can easily post a LOT of videos.  Because the Man in the Box crew created HUNDREDS of videos, all just a few minutes long, and almost all of them absolutely great.  The Man in the Box stuff is created by a comedian, Mike Polk, who has some internet celebrity of his own with other videos, such as the Cleveland Tourism video that I see pass around on Tumblr every now and again, or his One Semester of Spanish Spanish Love Song.

It stars his sketch comedy group, Last Call Cleveland, playing all the roles in an office job as Mike himself plays slacker/jackass Greg, a screw-up who hates his life, his job, and everyone around him, and is just trying to survive.  And from there, we reach the genius and great comedy of the show.  I find myself just indulging myself in more and more in short order, and you can sit through a good handful of them in the span it takes to watch a single episode of The League or something else that won't be nearly as funny.  Not only that, they have other little shows that are definitely worth your time on here as well, specifically Hangover Regrets and the Greg's Office Tormentors, which is just a talking heads quick Q&A in character with all the people in the Man in the Box show.

I highly suggest you take a look.  I embedded my favorite Man in the Box episode above, but I'll link to the channel RIGHT HERE, too.  Give it a chance, it is great comedic stuff.