I Have an Opinion: Nanarsday ... Chopping Mall

Yes indeedily-doo buckaroo, this is time for a new thingy! I've been wanting to do it since I talked about Nanar awhile ago. If you don't feel like checking on that link, then lemme explain it to ya real quick. Sometimes there are movies that you can watch and just know they are terrible, that they have objectively failed in basically every regard from writing to filming to acting. I'm not talking specifically about being able to see the boom mic or crazy bad jump cuts, though they can exist in these. But just plain NOT GOOD movie making. But even though they are indeed some of the worst put together films that exist, they are still somehow good. Not "quality" good, but enjoyability good or gosh-darn-it-they-are-trying-so-hard good. That is nanar, that "so bad it is good" feeling that happens with certain films.

I have a love for those films. I love collecting them, I love screening them, and I love sharing them with others. Some are better than others on an enjoyment factor, but almost all have some kind of redeeming thing to watching them in a group. So I want to celebrate with these films! Nanar films are a perfect example of my rating system, of showing the duality of quality and entertainment. There are plenty of films that are beautiful, well acted, and well directed and I still hate them. And there are plenty on the opposite end of the spectrum. So keep an eye out, because every now and again, it'll be a Nanarsday! Now, let's stick in our newest film and watch it.

LOOK AT THAT NAME! LOOK AT THAT POSTER! LOOK AT IT!!!

Do you see how glorious that is? A metal hand holding a blood soaked paper bag with handles that is filled with enormous eyes, severed heads, hands, feet, and a monster hand or something?! And even better ... this has NOTHING to do with this movie. Not a damned thing. The only word that is even applicable is "mall." In the movie named "Chopping Mall" there is not a single ounce of "chopping" happening at all. What a glorious thing. This poster screams of "we came up with this awesome title for a horror movie, which is all the rage with those teenager kids, let's make a movie about this!"

Basically, a mall has a new security system of robots that have a bunch of "non-lethal" weapons to protect the mall in case of a break-in or something or other. Doesn't matter, because the robots get struck by lightning four times and gain sentience, which makes them become ninja assassins and just blindly murder all the meaty two-legs around. To compound things, the night that happens is also the night of 4 couples getting together in a furniture store for some sex and drinking, wooooo! And then they slowly are killed by the three robots until only survivor girl and nerd boy survive.

Ahh, hush your mouth, Nathan Fillion. This is not a real spoiler. The movie's plot is so incredibly pain by numbers, you know who the two survivors are the moment you see them on screen. What is the best part is the absolute and utter failure to make this movie work in any way for tension or horror. Heck, even the gross out effects are barely there, though there is a very nice head explosion. There are plenty of breasts around in one scene, as to be expected from a horror movie, but there is also a lot of trying to make an elevator work and other weird scenes.

The movie's bad. Real bad. We wouldn't be talking about it here if it wasn't. But there are so many gloriously hilarious things to talk about that happen in the movie. The janitor's mop bucket of water looks like it is just gravy as he slathers it on the floor before being killed by over the top cartoony lightning effects when one of the Robots tazers him to death. The acting across the board is ridiculously out of place, over the top, or a little underneath where it needs to be, like they aren't trying hard enough. A guy shoots a machine gun at the Robot while it shoots lasers at him, and to get cover he just kneels behind the smallest potted fern he could have possibly found!

To the movie's credit, the mall looks good. Mostly because it is a real mall. But that's it. That is the only good thing I can give the movie. The music is atrocious, the costuming isn't even good costuming with ridiculous fashion just to be silly, and the robots. Oh man, the robots. They are the least threatening looking machines at all. They keep clicking their little robot hands, which are curled up under their chin like they are bashful or something, and the film treats it like it is scary. And the EVIL catchphrase the Robots use is: "Thank you. Have a nice day."

I cannot suggest this one enough. Find it, watch it with friends, and laugh and laugh. There is a dull section right at the act-break between Act 2 and 3, but the movie makes up for it with everything else being so ridiculous. It fails across the board, just is ultimately a fun watch.

Grade: F+

Oh, and before you leave, I am going to do a second AMA (Ask Me Anything) on August 1st. So I need questions. Send me questions in my email, in the comments here, or in my ask on Tumblr, or just somehow. Mark it on your calender, I'll see you then.