IHAO on ... Mandatory Fun

UHF is a great movie, by the way.  Go watch it.  ASAP.

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I'd love to talk about the effect "Weird Al" Yankovic has had on my life.  I distinctly remember the hoops I had to jump through to get a copy of Bad Hair Day in my possession.  That album wasn't the first I listened to Weird Al.  I remember distinctly listening to the TV Album and the Food Album, just a little bit, on church retreats.  I remember asking my parents to buy it.  They refused.  I am not sure why, maybe perceived evil intent or lack of respect because it was parody or because some Christian magazine talked about how these albums are bad for kids because it lead to sinful thoughts, or maybe just the cover, or the name "Weird Al" hitting them wrong.  I am not really sure.  But for some reason, I was absolutely not allowed to buy the CD, and they were not going to buy it for me either.

So I had to jump through hoops.  An older boy in the youth group had a copy of the Food Album and Bad Hair Day.  He knew I had listened to another kids copies, and talked to me about if I wanted them.  So being sneaky and just slightly rebellious, we hatched a plan to have me buy his copy of Bad Hair Day for ten dollars.  It wasn't an elaborate plan, and it was not particularly sneaky, but it certainly was an attempt to be both.  You see, I had to get the money, which I do not remember how I accomplished that, probably vacuuming or washing the car or something, and then meet him before youth group in the Fellowship Hall of our church while my mother was getting ready to teach children's choir.  We would do a hand-off just after the pizza line for dinner.  He was a nice guy, and it was successful.  Also, my dad saw all of it and absolutely didn't care.

Neither of my parents cared once it happened.  They even helped me buy the rest of his albums after that.  Dare to Be Stupid, Alapalooza, Running With Scissors.  I bought just about all of them.  And loved them.  I would listen to them on repeat nonstop as I did work or walked the dog or whatever.  I made plenty a fool of myself thinking I was cool because I loved these songs, singing them in public or performing them for church talent things.  They did not make me "cool" then, but then I cared about that kind of thing.  And now, I still lovingly have all four of those originals.  I dropped off buying them with the advent of the internet and youtube.

But Mandatory Fun is the exception!  This album is great.  Absolutely great.  For a LOT of reasons.  There are plenty of all the wonderful and fun things we love in a Weird Al album, with 5 complete parodies of the greatest pop hits of the past 3 years, 6 pastiches of unique sounding bands all with original jokes and content to go with the style parodies, and the traditional polka.  Weird Al is also making eight music videos to go online one a day for the eight days of the release.  Check them all out at Weird Al's website!

None of these songs lack on jokes, and all of them are excellently made.  My personal favorite has to be the album opener, "Handy" which is a parody of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy," with just a little bit of her verse from "Problem" thrown in.  It is magnificent, rolling 'Hardware Store" and "Couch Potato' all into one great song.  And ever joke just continues to grow and get better on me.  "#WordCrimes"' grammar-nazi action is fantabulous, "Mission Statement" is a fantastic jam, and "Jackson Park Express" is just the perfect joke and an amazing long-form story-song we've come accustomed to Al adding as the last track to the past four albums.

But none of that is what makes this album so good.  It is the album itself.  The musicality is spot on.  And the order is genius.  The album is perfect from beginning to end for listening pleasure.  It just flows from song to song, giving exactly the breather you need between parody and pastiche, between gross-out jokes and word play, between up tempo and cool chill.  The musical ability of everyone involved is fabulous, and this is the best album Weird Al has ever made from a pure sit-down-and-listen aspect.  No, this album's songs are not a collection of all his best songs, but how could they be in his long career?  But the state of the album is that every song is funny, every song sounds good, every song fits together perfectly, and there is not a single bomb.  On every other album of the Yankovic's, there has been one or two songs I've skipped on every listening.  They just aren't my cup of tea.  I either don't find them funny, want to get to the next song, or don't like the actual sound of them.    And Mandatory Fun completely avoids that problem.  And that alone deserves the highest praise, as very very few albums from any musician can boast that.

Go get this album.  Listen to his songs on youtube.  Share them on the tumblrs and facebooks.  Tweet if you must.  You absolutely cannot be disappointed.  Plus, it IS Mandatory.

I've been putting this at the bottom of all my reviews last week.  I'm putting together a second Ask Me Anything, and I need more questions.  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Any question at all.  Everything and anything you want to ask will be answered, and the vast majority will be honest, and all will be entertaining.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

IHAO on ... The Dark Backward

The Dark Backward is a dark comedy that satirizes the struggles of a comic, and follows Judd Nelson as Marty Malt, a garbage man by day and terrible comedian by night as he and his best friend Gus, played by Bill Paxton, deal with an amazing circumstance: Marty started to grow an arm out of the middle of his back.  The film is dark, gross, weird, and ultimately tells the point that a comic must rely on real circumstance to create real connection with his audience, stripping themselves bare of all the artifice to create the honesty necessary to hone their craft.

The world is filled with every variation of a comic's routine that you would hear from a stand-up comic: the doctor is terrible at his job, just putting bandaids on things and charging $250; the agent is fake and in it for himself; Hollywood executives are ugly opportunists; everything that's on television is crap; a girlfriend who leaves when she is most needed in the relationship; a best friend who is incredibly zany, will eat anything, is amazingly annoying, plays the accordian, bangs fat chicks.  Even the world works like that, with every brand for every buyable item being replaced by a fake joke name and the items are all jokes in themselves.  It is a painstaking undertaking by Adam Rifkin, the writer and director, to make this elaborate satire and elaborate long-form joke all building to the pay off at the end.

Oh yeah, and this movie is garbage.

Yeah, who would have thought that a 19-year-old's script, realized some years later by that same person as his first big film?  This movie is hard to sit through.  You see, the problem with a "dark comedy" is that many times people focus too much on the "dark" and forget the "comedy" part.  The funniest points of this film were the terrible jokes.  One of them is too good to not share, so I'm going to right now, to keep you from actually needing to watch this movie to hear the joke.  This is a paraphrase, mind you:

"I visited my eye doctor today.  I told him

I had a hard time seeing.  He told me that

I needed new glasses.  But you see, I already

owned 4 pairs.  But he's the doctor, so I went

ahead and bought 4 more pairs, just in case.

Now, sixteen people can drink at my house."

The delivery and work of Judd Nelson in this film is pretty great.  He completely delves into the role, and I find him sympathetic, even with his terrible terrible life.  That is central to making the film work, and is in fact the only thing about the movie that works.  Well, him and James Caan as the amazing Doctor Scurvy.  That doesn't excuse the most wretched person in the world, Bill Paxton.  Ugh.

The film tries really hard to say something.  And I can see it.  I very much see it.  Of all of us watching it this weekend, I was the only one who saw it.  And I got more laughs than everyone else, too.  I can see why this film might be considered a cult classic.  It has a similar feel to Brazil, yet it is more tongue-in-cheek.  The problem with this film ultimately comes down to the director.  It just isn't made well.  Shots take too long, the pacing of the film is all off, and every single theme and choice he makes is cancelled out by the end of the film because of other choices made in the film.

Despite how bad this is, and it is very very bad, I don't quite think it fails.  Underneath all the grime and garbage, I can see the intended purpose of the film.  And Judd Nelson works very hard to sell us this character.  But ultimately, the movie isn't funny, it isn't even all that particularly dark.  It is just weird, unfocused, and poorly executed.  And I ... kind of admire it for that.  Like ... I'm not sure I'll ever watch it again with the same people I watched it with, because none of us want to force ourselves through this mess again.  But I can see myself loaning it out to the curious, or having a viewing party with other folks.  The Dark Backward is a curiosity.  I don't recommend it ... except I know some people will get a kick out of it.  So hey, if you have your interest piqued, lemme know, you can come give it a watch.

 Grade: D

Also, I've been putting this at the bottom of all my reviews last week.  And I got zero questions.  Come on people, I can see how many of you looked at these, I know at least ONE of you had to have seen this at the bottom.  I can't do an Ask Me Anything if you guys don't, well, ask me anything.  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

IHAO on ... Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I watched the first prologue to the famous Planet of the Apes franchise and reviewed it earlier.  Here it is.  If you want a quick version of my thoughts on that, lemme give you a blurb:

" I feel the movie is simple but endearing.  It is trying SOOOO hard to be cool, 

and I have to give it props.  I'll watch it and laugh at it over and over again.  

I think of it like the Happening: just filled with stupid and bad acting and terrible plot 

and awful CGI, but so so SO much fun to watch."

Yeah, I loved that terrible movie.  If it wasn't so competently made from just a cinematography sense, I would definitely consider it nanar.  It is just a little too good to be that bad.  And none of that is "bad" in any sense.  So Dawn looked pretty swell to me!  You got the apes on horseback in some posters, with guns!  It continues the story into a truly interesting part, the part where the planet is in transition.  I was very excited to go, and on Saturday at midnight finally got to see it.  And ...

Wait for it.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is a better movie than Rise.  It is better plotted, it makes more sense, and the technical abilities are clearly improved.  Some of the characters get a lot more emphasis, and there are a few shots that are truly just some of the best most thrilling stuff I've seen in theatres in quite some time.  Also, the dialogue is completely awful, the script is completely lackluster, and every single actor sleepwalks through the movie until they turn evil.

Yeah, I didn't care for this one.  It is a better movie, no doubts about it.  But I actually thought it was really a WORSE movie because I didn't enjoy myself.  There was one character that interested me in the whole film, and that was the villain.  Even the over-hyped Andy Serkis' Caesar was just dull.  Though not as dull as his Woobie son, Blue-Eyes.  

Because I refuse to put spoilers, I cannot really talk in details about a lot of things, but there were a LOT of moments where the film was primed to do something interesting.  And it instead chose to not be interesting, and just be standard.  And that's ultimately what I feel about the film.  It is a perfectly fine, middle of the road film, that I basically did not enjoy.  There was not enough of the fun apes fighting or riding on horses stuff, not enough camp to be enjoyable.  There was a lot of really terrible things, and while there were bits I enjoyed, almost every one of them was super short and then followed by a very long and boring sequence.  

Also, I should point out, the apes are the protagonists in this.  The humans are completely the bad guys.  I do not care how much you pretend like these humans are good guys or justified, they aren't.  The apes are completely right in every single situation where the two races have to bump up against each other.

OH!  And sign language doesn't work when you sign to someone who isn't looking at you.  That happens CONSTANTLY.  I don't care how cool of a pose your CGI ape makes, sign language to the camera does not let anyone beside or behind you see what you are doing.

ALSO!  Characters should notice other people even if they aren't onscreen when they are not obscured by anything in this movie.  I HATE when characters cannot see things because the audience can't.

DOUBLE ALSO!  There is a thing called "pay off."  If you set something up, pay it off.  Don't do a shot of a rocket launcher, and then have not a single rocket launcher be shot.  Don't do a big uplifting moment for a character, only for that character to continue to do nothing of worth.

TRIPLE ALSO!  If you are a female in this film, regardless of species, the movie hates you.  There are three women in this movie that are actual characters, and two of them don't have names, and the other is Felecity who is incredibly miscast.  Hell, every human is hilariously miscast.  They took the casting budget, gave a little to Gary Oldman to just be Commissioner Gordon again, and spent the rest on the CGI.  Also, can I just say Gary Oldman is about the most overrated actor in film today ... other than Andy Serkis.  

QUADRUPLE ALSO!  The movie is constantly raining.  Are they trying to say that once humans are mostly killed off that San Francisco becomes a rain forest?  Because it is raining in a forest?  AND 5x 5x 5x 5x 5x ALSO!  If it is raining in your CGI shots on the apes that are in the water, have some daggum practical rain on the humans that are right next to them!  AND ANOTHER THING, SCIENCE FICTION IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALLEGORY, SAYING SOMETHING WE CAN TAKE AND LEARN FROM, NOT JUST A BORING STORY THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! AND ANOTHER THING ---

Combo breaker.  Thanks.

Yeah, ok, I'm wasting time.  This movie is technically better than Rise, but it is not as entertaining.  Save your money for a rent, don't go to theaters.  That's my verdict, anyway.

Grade: C-

Also, I've been putting this at the bottom of all my reviews last week.  And I got zero questions.  Come on people, I can see how many of you looked at these, I know at least ONE of you had to have seen this at the bottom.  I can't do an Ask Me Anything if you guys don't, well, ask me anything.  So help me out, leave some questions in my ask box on Tumblr or in the comments here or on facebook or to my email or something.  Let's get this thing going, we only got half a month to do this thing!  WOOOOO!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

Arbitrary Numbers: Top # Happiest Songs on Jessel's Playlist

It has been a rough week, if I'm being honest with you, my reading audience.  Money is tight because of two cars that either don't run or are just completely unreliable and need to get new tags and stuff.  Without cars means it is difficult on my wife to get to work, though she is doing pretty well it seems, which is good.  My wonderful pug-a-lug, P-Chan, also had a tumor that just got removed, which not only costs money but it certainly weighs on my heart.

Then of course, there's the whole I got depression thing.  Not gonna lie, it gets hard.  I talked about it before, but that was a pick-me-up, a way for me to get off my butt and keep trucking.  And I've been doing that pretty well since then.  Not great, but I'm working.  Been working hard to make some money to continue to get things to review for this ridiculous blog I love so much so that it doesn't hurt our actual budget, and been watching and writing every day.  Hell, if my Psych review (Seasons 1 through 7) wasn't going to be so long, it would be going up today, but I need the weekend to get all the words on the page.

So as I was walking wonderful P-Chan to get rid of more fluids from her surgery, I put on my handy-dandy mp3 player I bought probably 3 years ago, actually a little more than that by some months.  And very quickly, a song came on, and I was singing at 2:30 in the morning at the top of my lungs outside, dancing along, my troubles all gone away.  And it struck me.  Everyone should have a Happy List!  A happiest song playlist.  So I'm going to share mine with you!  This is in no way an objective list, though I assure you some of these films are some of the best songs ever created, but it is a personal one that keeps me going when the weight of the world makes it hard to stand tall.  So let's pop our janky headphones over our ears, plug it into an obsolete piece of technology that weighs less than a quarter, hit random, and find the happiest songs on my mp3 player and talk about them!!  This is Jessel's ...

Top 7 Happiest Songs 

Some quick arbitrary rules so that anyone who wants can play along in the comments (that would be awesome, by the way!):

1) Turn on the mp3 player, preferably on Random

2) Skip anything that doesn't immediately make me want to smile, sing, and/or dance

3) Write down what it is immediatley

4) Smile, sing, and/or dance

5) Keep going until you get bored of making this list

Paul Williams "Just An Old Fashioned Love Song" 

I first heard this song on the Muppet Show, Season 1.  It was just a simple sketch, with Paul Williams - who looks REMARKABLY like my theatre's artistic director - singing his song as two muppets of him come out to sing the "three part harmony."  And I was in love.  The song is infectious and so incredibly musical, with such a cool combination of instrumentation and melody.  It is the song that sparked this list, and I couldn't be happier to start here!  Which is the point.

Queen "Don't Stop Me Now"

Just look at Paul Rudd dancing.  LOOK AT HIM!  :D

This is from the amazing Jimmy Fallon video of Rudd lip sync battling Fallon, and it is infectious.  I could make and watch gifs of this video all day.  It starts with a simple melody and just builds to the amazing Queen energy you should expect from most Queen songs.  Another personal anecdote, this is the song that kicked off the dancing at my wedding.  Sure, some songs played before this, including our first dance, but THIS song is the one that got everyone dancing.  Of COURSE it did.

X Ambassadors, Jamie N Commons "Jungle"

This song is PRIMATIVE in its power, it is the building blocks of all happiness!  It is so basic, and simple, and THRILLING, yet RICH, with its wails and driving bass and claps, and it is so glorious.  My head does not stop moving the second the song starts to play.  It makes me shut my eyes and wander aimlessly into traffic, jamming away.  Hey, I didn't get hit by a car, it is ok.  This song flippin' ROCKS.  Makes me want to buy t-shirts from Shop.WWE.com.  

It isn't shameless if I want the money really really bad.  I'll also take T-shirts, XXXL please.  :)

Pink ft. that guy from Fun. "Just Give Me A Reason"

All right, sure, at first glance, this song about not breaking up isn't immediately a happy maker.  Well ... actually, I guess it really should be!  Like Breakfast at Tiffany's, they are just clinging to anything to fight for their relationship.  That's ... ok, that is kinda bleak and not exactly "happy."  But whenever it is on, I just can't help myself.  I got a lot of memories tied into this song.  And those memories, those nostalgic times, have made this song become a truly happy experience time.  I just start jamming, rocking on my right foot, gesturing like an idiot to every word, singing both parts, and acting all of it out.  It just makes me the happiest of campers.  We are not broken, just bent.  :D

Pentatonix "Save the World/ Don't You Worry Child"

YAY!!!  I LOVE PENTATONIX!!!!

Let me put this in perspective.  I am not a live concert kind of guy.  I don't enjoy the atmosphere, I don't care for the sound quality, I don't drink, I don't care about meeting the bad.  Live concerts just are not my thing.  I not only got to go to their concert when they came to Atlanta, but I was thrilled about it, and it was one of the best gifts I've ever gotten, on top of just being awesome completely!  

This song, combining two of Swedish House Mafia's singles into one track, is phenomenal.  I'm a sucker for GOOD acapella (no, most of it isn't actually good, and no, Pitch Perfect wasn't particularly good either) and Pentatonix are not just "good," they aren't even just "great."  They are absolutely perfect at what they do: create amazing covers and tracks that are just five voices and are radio quality!  And this song is a perfect example.  So is a lot of their stuff, including ONE cover that the original is going to be featured later on this list!!!  :D

Andy Mineo ft. KB and Trip Lee "The Saints"

It is hard to find good Christian music.  Mostly because Christian media exists in this place where "good enough is good enough."  There is not a lot of people within the Christian entertainment industry that actually strive to be GREAT.  Just good enough.  There are SOOOO many bands that just put out album after album, making their money off all the Christians looking for an alternative, even if it isn't as good in quality.  Christian rap is even weirder, where the "street"-ness and hardness of a song is what makes it live and breath.

And Andy Mineo is awesome.  So awesome that this song didn't register as Christian until I had listened to it probably 10 or 15 times.  Which just enhances it for me, personally, but it amazing because it doesn't DETRACT from its quality for people who don't want to listen to Christian music.  When I zumba'd (I need to do that again ... stupid car) when this song came on, it didn't matter how tired I was, I was pumped and ready to DANCE THE POUNDS AWAY.  It was also a hard song, too, with lots of squats and crunches.  I loved it.  And I love this song itself.  It just gets ME FLIPPIN' PUMPED!!!

Whitney Houston "How Will I Know"

"How Will I Know" got some major zeitgeist renewal when Sam Smith did his soulful version of the song.  And his version is ... fine.  It isn't bad or anything, it is simple, and he takes the song to a kind of interesting new place with the lyrics.  But ... no, no, it is missing the essence of the song.  I mean, look at Whitney's face and watch this little bit of the video:

She is so DAGGUM HAPPY!  People just dancing around in the brightest colored warehouse ever, just flipping and getting in weird three-ways.  This is the HAPPIEST SONG IN THE WORLD!  It makes me want to cry with joy, I love it so much.  Every single time I start feeling crappy, I just have to toss this on and BAM, I am singing and dancing and shimmy-ing my shoulders just like Whitney.

Now, I know for a fact there are other happy songs.  But for now, I think I've made my mood too good to continue.  I just want to run outside and make other people listen.  Which is kind of the reason I made this list.  So, readers, bookmark this article.  Whenever you are feeling crappy, whenever your day isn't going your way, whenever someone yells at you at work for no reason, or you don't have enough money to do anything, or just every word out of your mouth makes every situation worse, or your tires have all rebeled and gone flat, just flip to this, and listen to some of the songs I linked.  And your mood will hopefully improve.  I know mine will.  :)

PLAYLIST HERE

Plus, you can play along.  I'd love to hear YOUR Happiest Songs list!  Play the game with the rules above, or just tell me yours, that'll do too!

Oh, and before you leave, I am going to do a second AMA (Ask Me Anything) on August 1st.  So I need questions.  Send me questions in my email, in the comments here, or in my ask on Tumblr, or just somehow.  Mark it on your calender, I'll see you then.

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

Nanarsday ... Chopping Mall

Yes indeedily-doo buckaroo, this is time for a new thingy!  I've been wanting to do it since I talked about Nanar awhile ago.  If you don't feel like checking on that link, then lemme explain it to ya real quick.  Sometimes there are movies that you can watch and just know they are terrible, that they have objectively failed in basically every regard from writing to filming to acting.  I'm not talking specifically about being able to see the boom mic or crazy bad jump cuts, though they can exist in these.  But just plain NOT GOOD movie making.  But even though they are indeed some of the worst put together films that exist, they are still somehow good.  Not "quality" good, but enjoyability good or gosh-darn-it-they-are-trying-so-hard good.  That is nanar, that "so bad it is good" feeling that happens with certain films.

I have a love for those films.  I love collecting them, I love screening them, and I love sharing them with others.  Some are better than others on an enjoyment factor, but almost all have some kind of redeeming thing to watching them in a group.  So I want to celebrate with these films!  Nanar films are a perfect example of my rating system, of showing the duality of quality and entertainment.  There are plenty of films that are beautiful, well acted, and well directed and I still hate them.  And there are plenty on the opposite end of the spectrum.  So keep an eye out, because every now and again, it'll be a Nanarsday!  Now, let's stick in our newest film and watch it.

LOOK AT THAT NAME!  LOOK AT THAT POSTER!  LOOK AT IT!!!

Do you see how glorious that is?  A metal hand holding a blood soaked paper bag with handles that is filled with enormous eyes, severed heads, hands, feet, and a monster hand or something?!  And even better ... this has NOTHING to do with this movie.  Not a damned thing.  The only word that is even applicable is "mall."  In the movie named "Chopping Mall" there is not a single ounce of "chopping" happening at all.  What a glorious thing.  This poster screams of "we came up with this awesome title for a horror movie, which is all the rage with those teenager kids, let's make a movie about this!"

Basically, a mall has a new security system of robots that have a bunch of "non-lethal" weapons to protect the mall in case of a break-in or something or other.  Doesn't matter, because the robots get struck by lightning four times and gain sentience, which makes them become ninja assassins and just blindly murder all the meaty two-legs around.  To compound things, the night that happens is also the night of 4 couples getting together in a furniture store for some sex and drinking, wooooo!  And then they slowly are killed by the three robots until only survivor girl and nerd boy survive.

Ahh, hush your mouth, Nathan Fillion.  This is not a real spoiler.  The movie's plot is so incredibly pain by numbers, you know who the two survivors are the moment you see them on screen.  What is the best part is the absolute and utter failure to make this movie work in any way for tension or horror.  Heck, even the gross out effects are barely there, though there is a very nice head explosion.  There are plenty of breasts around in one scene, as to be expected from a horror movie, but there is also a lot of trying to make an elevator work and other weird scenes.

The movie's bad.  Real bad.  We wouldn't be talking about it here if it wasn't.  But there are so many gloriously hilarious things to talk about that happen in the movie.  The janitor's mop bucket of water looks like it is just gravy as he slathers it on the floor before being killed by over the top cartoony lightning effects when one of the Robots tazers him to death.  The acting across the board is ridiculously out of place, over the top, or a little underneath where it needs to be, like they aren't trying hard enough.  A guy shoots a machine gun at the Robot while it shoots lasers at him, and to get cover he just kneels behind the smallest potted fern he could have possibly found!

To the movie's credit, the mall looks good.  Mostly because it is a real mall.  But that's it.  That is the only good thing I can give the movie.  The music is atrocious, the costuming isn't even good costuming with ridiculous fashion just to be silly, and the robots.  Oh man, the robots.  They are the least threatening looking machines at all.  They keep clicking their little robot hands, which are curled up under their chin like they are bashful or something, and the film treats it like it is scary.  And the EVIL catchphrase the Robots use is: "Thank you. Have a nice day."

I cannot suggest this one enough.  Find it, watch it with friends, and laugh and laugh.  There is a dull section right at the act-break between Act 2 and 3, but the movie makes up for it with everything else being so ridiculous.  It fails across the board, just is ultimately a fun watch.

Grade: F+

Oh, and before you leave, I am going to do a second AMA (Ask Me Anything) on August 1st.  So I need questions.  Send me questions in my email, in the comments here, or in my ask on Tumblr, or just somehow.  Mark it on your calender, I'll see you then.

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

-=- Nanar catalog -=-

Chopping Mall
Dead Heat

Hide and Creep

Lenny the Wonder Dog

Omega Doom

The Stuff

IHAO Will Be Right Back...

I loved these!  :)

Jeez, watching all of Psych for this review is taking forever.  I'll see everyone tomorrow with a new review.  Holla!

Oh, and before you leave, I am going to do a second AMA on August 1st.  So I need questions.  Send me questions in my email, in the comments here, or in my ask on Tumblr, or just somehow.  So mark it on your calender, I'll see you then.

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

Arbitrary Numbers: Top # Kid Snippets

I talked about previous a great comedy youtube channel and series of videos for you to watch whenever you want, sharing it with everyone.  Well, recently, there has been an epidemic of funny going on on another channel.  It is an epidemic because it has spread throughout the house, all because a crafty girlfriend brought it in, shared it with her boyfriend, then he shared it with me, and I shared it with my wife, and then we've started spreading it to everyone in the house, and now outside of the house.  The humor is contagious, improvised, and perfect in almost every way.  There are 96 episodes currently, and they update with a new one every Monday.  And it is just absolutely glorious, and as you can tell from the title, it is called Kid Snippets.

Kid Snippets can be found on the Bored Shorts TV channel, and they are glorious.  Basically, they give a setup for some scenario or scene to some kids, probably no older than 10 (I'm not sure on their age), and then record them playing out the scene.  Then, a group of fantastic actors get together and stage and film this audio, lip syncing it all perfectly.  We don't know the actors names in our home, so we call our four favorites: Neil Dad Harris, Goatee, Handsome, and the fourth one that is really really good.  There's also Hat Guy, Blonde Chick, Big Eye Girl, and a lot of others that don't show up as often.  But it is mainly those four, and they are amazing at what they do.  My PERSONAL favorite is Handsome, followed by Neil Dad Harris, but really they are all just incredibly good at it.

Now I know that you all cannot just jump into 96 episodes of a youtube channel show, even if they are all basically 4 minutes or less.  So I've decided to do another edition of Arbitrary Numbers!  So here we go!!!

Top 21 Episodes of Kid Snippets

Ok, so that's a bit much.  Hmmm ... ok, lemme cut these down some.  Just the cream of the crop, the absolute funniest, the ones that everyone I know cannot stop quoting.  Also, I'm going to instead of embedding the videos, which makes viewing on mobile devices hard, just going to link in each listing, so click on them already!!  So that trims it down to the ...

Top 9 Episodes of Kid Snippets

#9 - Pest Control

Pest Control is a great starting point.  It is just two kids, talking about bugs, and how they ruin your house and your life and the UNIVERSE.  It also features my favorite actor, Handsome, just being charming as hell, and doing what he does best: accurate, nonverbal lip syncing.  See him cough and lisp and over-articulate just like his voice is just amazing.  It also has a lot of really clever, but not in your face, visual gags that I absolutely love.

#8 - Josh Groban Backstage & Josh Groban Pizza

I was going to put some funny gif, but this one is so well lit and shot ... it made me swoon.

In this two parter, we get to see that Josh Groban is not only funny, not only has a voice of the most beautiful baritone angel, but he also knows how to lip sync to little children getting indignant about pizza and not being able to go backstage.  It is pretty amazing.  The only reason these aren't any higher are because of pure hilariousness.

Josh Groban Backstage is quite literally Josh Groban not being aloud backstage at his own concert.  But it features a little kid who sings, an amazing editing joke, and some pretty awesome freak out work.  But I'm gonna be honest; this video only makes it in because of its connection to Josh Groban Pizza.

Josh Groban Pizza is perfect.  It features 4th Man and Josh Groban, and is absolutely astonishing.  Fake yelling, an argument about how long it takes to make a pizza, a celebrity going nuts not getting his way.  It is perfect.  Josh Groban is hilarious here, as is 4th Man, and I cannot wait to see Josh Groban return to Kid Snippets.  It is absolutely quotable, and my roommate and I find ourselves quoting this exchange a lot.

#7 - Weight Loss Infomercial

Look, everyone, Goatee and Neil Dad Harris!  These two are so good at what they do, and Neil Dad Harris in particular can absolutely ruin me with just a look.  But we have a special case here, as we have another celebrity on this video: Benson.  Benson is a comedy god, and is probably only 6.  The world is going to change drastically when he gets old enough to become the next Dane Cook + Seinfeld + Bill Murray.  I cannot wait for the day.  He is incredibly fun to quote and the actors always seem to love performing his little tirades.

But what happens in Weight Loss Infomercial?  Well, they try to sell us some weight loss pills.  Ok, so the setup isn't hilarious, but Benson and his little girl friend that he seems to bounce off of a lot in these just absolutely make this one.  It could be higher if they took the joke further and there was more to it, but Benson alone is hilarious, and this video had to make the list.  How how how how how!

#6 - The Wand of Universal Power Part 2 (and 1 and 3)

Just like the epic-ification of films, we need an epic series of kids acting out LARPing.  And this is perfect.  I put Part 2 first because it is my actual favorite and is incredibly hilarious.  It just has two kids arguing over what noises chickens make.  That joke has been quoted almost every day since we saw this video.  And they keep getting better.  The costuming, the location, the acting, it has every single one of the kids and every single one of the actors.  It is a huge undertaking, and I cannot wait for the epic finale.  Check them out:

The Wand of Universal Power Part 1

The Wand of Universal Power Part 2

The Wand of Universal Power Part 3

Also, Benson is the evilest of evil.  :D

#5 - Ultimate Workout

Ultimate Workout is the perfect use of denial.  You see, denial is a form of subversion in comedy.  A character sets something up, only to be denied, forcing the character to up the ante.  Every time they get denied, the tension grows and the comedy does.  Denial does't necessarily mean "no" every time, such as with Who's On First, the very famous routine, which is a classic two-man denial sketch.  But here, it is just "no."  And Goatee doing an amazing job of getting so frenetic.  It is just a great joke from beginning to end, and it is hard to believe we just have little kids making such perfect jokes.  Check it out.

#4 - Book Report

Benson, you spoil me.  You absolutely spoil me.  Because this is amazing.  From how earnest the little girl is in giving her little book report on the movie Frozen, and singing so sweetly "Let it Go," and 4th Man (I've got to come up with a better thing to call him, because he's SOOO good, I hate to continue to make him sound like the bottom rung of skill of the 4 greats) just being so soulful.  Then Goatee once again playing Benson as another dick, this time as the teacher eating snacks through her Frozen book report.

Book Report is just wonderful.  It is the first one I watched, and it hooked me.  And it will have you quoting "Continue with your book report" all the time.  Check this one out.

#3 - Cooking Show

Sometimes these videos are hilarious because of the kids.  Sometimes it is hilarious because of the acting.  But sometimes, you get the perfect mix.  Throw in some slapstic ridiculousness, and ... I can't even.  I just can't even.  

The best part about this video is that the recipe the kids come up with on the Cooking Show, they actually make.  You watch them throw all these things together in a bowl, then in the oven, and actually get to see the results.  It is so viscerally hilarious and disgusting.  And on top of that, the kids arguing with each other on ingredients, and the adults putting on these enormous smiles!  And there is a moment where you can just see everyone having a great time, with the kids laughing to each other and the adults, Neil Dad Harris and Goatee, just laughing along in sync.  It makes me happy inside.

#2 Star Wars Cantina

Kid Snippets version of the Star Wars Cantina is just wonderful.  Just like with the epic, we have amazing costuming and visuals.  But with it being Star Wars, the kids know the story and all together retell the Cantina scene.  It is so glorious.  They hit every beat of the plot in the scene, and do the characters hilariously.  Hearing the kids do alien voices, and Luke just laughing at the noises is so wonderful.  Plus, there are so many quotable jokes: "Faster than a CENTIPEDE!" "I'm still here.  See, I came back."  And we get Neil Dad Harris just smiling and laughing, Handsome being a hilarious kid version of Chewbacca, Goatee playing Obi-Wan, and 4th Man being the mouth of Benson playing Han Solo!!  It is the PERFECT Cantina scene.  There is nothing better.  I'd rather watch this on loop than any episode of Star Wars.  And even better, it is only 5 minutes long, and is criminally not at a million views yet.  Help this video out!

Now, before I get to the number one, I have to reiterate, these are not the only good ones.  Having to cut out a bunch of videos was hard.  There are SOOOO many hilarious ones, like Repairman, Bedtime, or Drivers Ed.  But I want to allow all of you to explore!  Check out Kid Snippets on Bored Shorts TV and subscribe!  These guys are incredible.  Now, number one ...

#1 - Hunting

It is so incredibly hard for me to put into words why Hunting is so perfect.  It is Handsome and Cute Girl running around in the woods hunting.  It is like a live action cartoon with how the comedy hits.  It just does not let up.  I'm always laughing so hard that I miss jokes.  It is jam packed with incredibly jokes over and over.  And Handsome and Cute Girl are both so good.  So incredibly good.  Seeing Handsome be willing to use all his articulation-sync on the amazing animal calls murders me dead every time I watch this video.  Go, go watch it.

Really go watch them all.  Share them on facebook.  Share me with them.  Share them with ME!  Let's get everyone involved to ONE MILLION thousand views! Before you leave, also, I need your help!  I am goign to do another AMA on August 1st.  So I need questions.  Send me questions in my email, in the comments here or in my ask on Tumblr.  Mark your calender and help a brother out!

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

Fantasy Booking ... ALTERNATE ENDING to Alien

Not too long ago, I did an AMA.  I super enjoyed that because it got a lot of folks asking me some really interesting questions about ... well, everything!  And I LOVE that.  I mean, the name of the website is I Have an Opinion.  Of COURSE I have opinions on just about anything.  Going through it again, I realized that I answered a question semi-incorrectly, or at least not as was intended.  I was asked about three alternate endings to major films.  Now, I answered over in the AMA (it's the last question, if you want a refresher) thinking it was meant to be which three I thought already existed were best.  But I got a clarification: create three NEW alternate endings to films.  So I guess it is time for me to get the old creative juices going in another rendition of ...

Fantasy Booking

Ok, so it isn't exactly Fantasy Booking ... but I like the image, and I'm gonna use it.  Plus, it gives me an excuse to use it as a tag.  Time to pick some films.  The first film I'll do is one I recently watched, hated, and is well beloved.  I did a quickie on my Tumblr (go ahead and follow me, it'll be really nice) and I think I have an interesting idea ...

Alien (1979)

Yeah, I found this movie dumb.  Really dumb.  Quick grade is D-.  The climax of the film comes as ...  Oh yeah, just in case:

The dumb film is 35 years old but just in case.

The xenomorph has killed all the rest of the crew.  The original ending then creates its tension by having Ripley running about now that she has gotten the cat and sets the ship by herself into self-destruct mode.  But as she rushes to the getaway ship, she almost runs headfirst into the xenomorph.  She leaves Jones the cat there, and with her escape cut off tries to run back and stop Mother, the ship's main computer interface, from blowing everything up, but reverses the process a few seconds too late, unable to stop the self-destruct.  She heads back, pissed and scared, finds the cat was untouched in its carrier-case, and makes it on the getaway ship and watches as the main ship explodes in a ridiculous technicolor explosion.

But oh no!  Ripley has gotten comfortably almost naked and the xenomorph got onto the ship and is curled up taking a nap.  Ripley gets frightened, puts on a space suit, opens the air lock, and the xenomorph goes flying out the ship, and then blown up with the engine port.  She then went to hibernation sleep, and the movie abruptly ends there.

Did I say I found it dumb?  I did.  The xenomorph was less terrifying in the film than the damned cat, which had two jump scares.  It might be the original cat jump scare!!!!  Ok, it isn't, the first cat scare was in the 1942 film Cat People, though ironically it is subverted by it being a bus making a cat noise that scares the heroine.  Anyway.  Let's change it up.

Time to hit the CRAY BUTTON!

Ok, so the xenomorph has killed everyone but Ripley.  She does the whole self-destruct scene as before, then goes running off and runs into the xenomorph cutting her off again.  She puts the cat down, but instead of sliding down the wall, and instead of the xenomorph being a huge puss and not doing a daggum thing for the rest of the film, she gets her guts up and presents herself, flamethrower in her hand, and she says some power statement as she let's loose with the fire ...

Nothing.  Flamethrower is outta gas.  Probably from being on all the time and having the most enormous flame through the whole movie.  Anyway, the xenomorph pounces, knocking Ripley down to the ground.  She drops the cat box and flamethrower, and the xenomorph gets its dumb second mouth out.  Ripley kicks and punches and wriggles, trying to get free.  Just as the xenomorph is going to do its double mouth kill strike, Ripley gets her hands on the flamethrower and jams it sideways into the thing's mouth.  The xenomorph, stymied, slashes at Ripley, giving her a cut on her thigh or stomach, but it allows Ripley to run.
Ripley tries to get back and stop the self-destruct, but just as before, she is just a few seconds too late.  This time because of the scuffle, not just ... being late because she slide diagonally down a wall.

She rushes back, picking up a random pipe she breaks so she can swing it at the xenomorph, but returns to the spot to only find the ripped-open cat container, but Jones is still inside, scared.  She reaches down to get the cat, but the xenomorph does its own Cat Scare, third one of the film, popping out of the floor beneath the cat, hidden in the grating.  Jones in her hands, falling back, scrambling, the xenomorph now crawling after her, Ripley does the last thing she can, kicking at its face.  Double mouth kill shot through the foot.  Look at the clock that is there for this version to actually create tension and a sense of time slipping away, she's got very little time left.  She gets to her feet, Jones running away out of her hands.  She picks up the pipe and SMACK right across the xenomorph's head as it leaps at her again, American baseball style.  Acid destroys the pipe, and Ripley turns and runs.

Now running, injured, trying to get to the getaway ship.  Yelling and crying, unwilling to be the only living crew member left, she finally spots Jones almost out of reach.  Looking at the clock for the self destruct, it is so close to happening.  The xenomorph, showing some acidy damage along its big ole head, comes running up on her.  Ripley finally grabs Jones, then stumbles into the getaway ship and gets the airlock shut just before the xenomorph reaches her!  You hear it slamming against the door over and over as she stumbles and cries, getting to the command seat and setting the thing to fly with JUST enough time to not get exploded, but the space shockwaves spin and knock around the ship, throwing her end over end.

But it all settles down.  She can finally breath.  She makes her final statement as before, and we zoom in on her pod, then the camera pans to Jones' pod ... where something unearthly is moving in its belly.

BOOM!  I feel REAL good about that one.  Also, that's just over a thousand words.  So it looks like I'm going to cut this short.  But I will 100% be doing more of these in the future!  So stay tuned!

Wait a minute, put a little love in it!

OH!  WAIT!  Before you leave, I am going to do another AMA on August 1st.  So I need questions.  So send me questions in my email, in the comments here or in my ask on Tumblr.  So mark it on your calender, I'll see you then.

IHAO on EVERYTHING, TOO on August 1st

Independence Day special!!! IHAO on ... White House Down - READER REQUEST -

Happy day of celebrating being from a country that is pretty ok in some areas and pretty not ok in others and overall is perfectly fine and mostly just as good as a bunch of other countries but for different reasons!!!  What?  Oh, you want me to be more 'MERICA about this?  Eh, I dunno.  I'm going to need some help.

Nope this isn't going to work, I don't even like 30 Rock.  Plus, it is the exact opposite of how I feel about ... everything, really.  Thinking is what makes use great, and unique.  Having opinions, at least well informed or believed ones, that is what makes entertainment and art so great.  Also, I'm getting super preachy.  Let's keep looking for MERICA gifs.

Hmmm ... bad editing and film quality, holding big guns and shooting them, wearing an eagle helmet, wearing glasses, a whole bunch of stars and stripes ... this is close.  It tries too hard though.  I just don't get the weepy happies about MERICA I need.

Ok, that is an appropriate gif for exactly what I said.  But I feel like I could get something a lot more MERICAN than this, something that hits home for me a lot more ...

Hulk Hogan playing a guitar solo on a Star-Spangled electric guitar with an American flag background.  Yeah, this is what I'm looking for!  I'm starting to feel it!  I can feel it!  Now, I can be done with this entirely arbitrary extra and superfluous foolin' around.  I have a reader request to do!  And it is obvious and appropriate for this day!

Requested by Melanie Jessel

White House Down, an action movie that Cracked claimed was the perfect Die Hard sequel instead of the Die Hard sequel we got in 2013.  That is a great video I linked to, by the way.  It is made by the Roland Emmerich, who made Independence Day, Stargate ... 2012, Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla with Broderick, 10,000 BC, Anonymous ... ok, so the record hasn't been very good for a long time.  And ... the reviews aren't good either.  But ...

But I thought it was great.  Really great.  Super great even.  It is very much a Die Hard send-up that is surprisingly powerful and totally overshadowed by its now-joke of a director and the fact it came out at the same time as another film of the same style.  But damn it, it was great!  And lemme tell you why.

1) Channing Tatum is wonderful as a leading hero.  I never thought he could be, but he was humorous, believable, and excellent at action.

2) Jamie Foxx is fantastic as not-quite-Obama, playing a great president/sidekick with a lot of pathos and a reason to love him beyond just his status.

3) The plot is nicely convoluted, but figure-out-able, making it a thrilling ride from beginning to end.

4) Every other character is interesting, nuanced, and believable.  

5) The action is awesome, and the scope is pretty mindblowing.  

This film really is Die Hard meets Independence Day.  I loved it.  My wife loved it.  My roommate loved it, and he is not an action-movie-big-blockbuster type.  And yet, Roeper called it the worst film of 2013.  The worst film of last year.  Think about that.  Last year, Movie 43, The Last Exorcism Part II, Scary Movie 5, World War Z, the Lone Ranger, and A Good Day to Die Hard all came out!  And A Good Day to Die Hard is atrocious.  Absolutely atrocious.

If you get the ability, I highly suggest you find a way to watch White House Down this Independence Day.  I really cannot fathom anyone thinking this movie was anywhere near the worst film of last year, or even a bad film.  I personally found it immaculate, from pacing to cinematography to acting to scripting to the soundtrack.  The only piece of negative anything to say is that the necessary CGI to film helicopters flying around the White House, or the White House at all, sometimes looks fake.  Sometimes.  And it is never enough to take me out of the film.  

Grade: A++

Happy July the 4th.  I will see you all Monday!

IHAO on ... Omega Doom

I can't help it; I love Rutger Hauer.  It all happened after I watched Blind Fury super late in the night on cable with my best friend on sleepover in high school.  Blind Fury is an awesome movie, by the way, though not a perfect one by any means.  Quick grade is a B++.

Rutger Hauer love has become a large part of my film love, and brought me to a huge number of great films.  Oh, what, you don't know his name off the top of your head?  Oh, that's unfortunate.  Especially considering he is one of the greatest villains in film, from Blade Runner to Nighthawks to the original and AMAZING Hitcher.  Not to mention leading protagonists like in Ladyhawke and the newer exploitation film Hobo With a Shotgun.  With so many great roles under his belt, I decided to go on a journey and collect his entire discography of leading roles.  I've found some terrible ones and some interesting ones.  And I'll keep seeing them.  So expect to see more Rutger Hauer from time to time.

So what about this film?  This obscure, ridiculous, 1996 weird genre-bending western-slash-distopian-slash-science fiction film.  Is this one that will continue to spread my love of Rutger Hauer around the world?  The short answer is ...

I really wanted to find a drum rolling down a hill ...

Heh, this'll work.

Yeah, no, absolutely not.

Omega Doom is very much a western.  It has all the tropes, from the outsider new in town, the warring posses, the trustworthy bartender, the comedic school marm, even a horse.  Also, lots of quick draws.  Oh, and the entire film is about robots searching for guns to kill humans before humans can kill them.  And the bartender serves water because ... robots need water I guess.  And the quick draws are quick drawing energy daggers that they then throw.

But this movie is so much more than that.  It is terrible sound effects for every. single. motion. any. character. makes.  All of them.  It's like a Johnny Test episode.  The dialogue is atrociously corny or worthless.  The setup for this strange version of the future is pointless.  The setting itself is just cheapo film-in-eastern europe.  The action is terrible, absolutely terrible, and the effects are ridiculous.  The costuming and makeup are ... ok, they are fine, they aren't that bad.  But .... ok, do you know what a fish-eye lens is?  Here's a visual aid featuring a cow:

The schtick of the shot is to enhance the center of the shot and create some scope.  Photographers and filmmakers use it to show size and distance for cities and such.  It is an effective tool that can be used in the arsenal of artists.  Omega Doom ... has fish eye on ... basically the entire film.  Every panning shot becomes torture to my optic nerve.  And this is the whole movie.  The whole boring movie.  Ok, it isn't that boring.  It is actually kind of hilarious in how bad it is.  Like many other nanar films, this could be enjoyed in a group with everyone just laughing at how terrible it is.

Omega Doom reminds me of The Happening.  Just a terrible film film with decent to really great actors (ok, one actor in each is really great only, and they are both the leads, who knew) with a surprisingly interesting premise.  Yes, despite all the ridiculousness of the actual film and the setup that is told to us for Omega Doom, it actually had a really cool original premise: nuclear war hit the world, and we have now found ourselves in EuroDisney, with different animatronic characters, now screwed up because of the nuclear war, all interacting.  There is something interesting there.  None of that comes through, not really.  Reading about the EuroDisney thing makes a few things in the very beginning make sense, but the film itself does not understand how to correctly express its ideas.

I think this movie is definitely worth looking up if you love Nanar like me, or Rutger Hauer like me, or just want to get folks together to watch a bad movie.  It isn't quite as entertainingly terrible as Troll 2 or the Room, but it definitely fits in that vein.  I wish I could hate it ... I wish I could love it ... but in the end, I just watched it and still can't decide how I feel about it.

Grade: F+-