IHAO on ... Black Mirror

In the vein of Twilight Zone and the Outer Limits, Black Mirror has a unique theme that every one of its six episodes over three seasons deals with.  If I can put this theme into my own words, Black Mirror is about the ever-expanding uses of technology, as well as a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" approach to storytelling.  Much like Twilight Zone worked towards poetic justice and Night Gallery was about gothic horror, Black Mirror tells stories about protagonists who are in lose-lose situations, all based around science fiction trappings focusing on new technologies or futures where we take technology to a new step.  The "black mirror" of the title of the show itself is a reference to a broken smart phone, which now is just that, just a black mirror.  Charlie Brooker, the series creator and writer of almost every episode, likes to call the show "techno-paranoia," which I think is a LITTLE bit of an overstatement, since paranoia does not actually factor into most episodes, in my opinion anyway.  But hey, he did make the show, and I do think it is (mostly) great, so what do I know?

The show is pretty phenomenal.  It is currently on Netflix and has been able to cover in six episodes a lot of crazy topics, though the two seasons each featured an episode on each of the following types: a political narrative, an alternate future societal story, and a single relationship changed by a new technology.  On top of that, each episode has a great budget with some fantastic actors, including Jason Fleming, Daniel Kaluuya, Rory Kinnear, Toby Kebbell, Domhnall Gleeson, and so many more, though I did list my favorites right then.

Of the six episodes, I loved the first four completely.  The last two ... they aren't bad or anything, they just personally didn't do much for me.  But the quality of the first four absolutely make up for that.  My favorite is the third episode of the first series, "The Entire History of You."  I found it amazing in a show I was already blown away by.  I really cannot wait for more.  Speaking of ...

How is Black Mirror Christmas related?  I mean, I should be reviewing Scrooge (it's coming) or some other stuff that is holiday themed, right?  Well, you see, a special Christmas episode will be coming out THIS EVENING!  It is not often I am able to talk about things that are cool, new, exciting, on Netflix, and also advertise for a brand new special, let alone a Christmas one!  Let alone a Christmas one that stars Jon Hamm!  I implore you, find some way to watch this episode on Channel 4 if you live across the pond, or see if you can watch it online if they show it there folks in America or Russia or Canada or wherever.  And watch the other episodes.  They are not easy to watch, absolutely are R in rating, and are glorious.

Oh, let me sum up with a quick grade for each episode:

The National Anthem: A++

Fifteen Million Merits: A++

The Entire History of You: A++

Be Right Back: A++

White Bear: B

The Waldo Moment: B

IHAO on ... WWE TLC (and Stairs) 2014

Oh boy.

I've started and restarted this review over and over.  This is probably my seventh or eighth draft at this point.  So I'm just going to put it down on paper: this PPV sucks.  It sucks because there is not an ounce of good storytelling in any of these matches beyond very minor moments that do not actually tie into the match.  The best match of the night was the main event versus Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt, which was a pretty fine match.  But every single other match was just spots after spots, moments after moments, with nothing to tie them together.

I've talked about it before, but stipulations to matches need to matter.  They need to be a part of the match.  They need to make sense, be urgent.  If you do a "Stairs Match" merely because it rhymes with "chairs" and Rowan threw some stairs on an episode of Raw to set it up, it is pointless.  It is just a match where the stairs are legal ... which is kind of true in most matches.  A chairs match is even worse, because it is just "here are some chairs, hit each other with them then pin someone."  A table match has a point ... but it is a stupid one that proves nothing.  First idiot through a table loses.  A ladder match used to have meaning, but it has become so diluted that it doesn't matter any longer, it is just an excuse for big guys to knock them over and little guys to jump around.  

A TLC match should be a culmination point!  The first match had character because it was about three teams that each had a unique weapon they used, so the match was put together.  The second one was a sequel that blew the roof off the first one, involving the same guys.  The third and fourth were both about the heroes having enormous odds to defeat to overcome, about story!  And then they were just tied to Edge's character ... and then they weren't even tied to anything.  I appreciate that a story was created here for this match, but you did things in reverse order, like the WWE always does now.  They have a PPV with a stipulation and force stories to mold to those stipulations.  Usually you get generally entertaining, but not really GOOD matches.  I'm tired of it as a fan.

Even worse than all that, the matches that didn't have stipulations are also atrocious and lacked storytelling.  Mizdow did the Mizdow thing and the Miz continues to be the worst wrestler the WWE pushes at all.  Rusev beat Swagger again in basically the exact same way he did before.  Nikki and AJ tried hard to put on a good match, but it was so formulaic and basic that even though they did fine it didn't go anywhere or do anything.

EVEN WORSE, when you create a stipulation like "this character loses and then bad things happen" like they did for the tables match, you know the outcome already!  When faces have "if you lose, bad thing happens!" added to a match, one of two things happen: they win, making the point moot, which is the majority case; or they lose because it was a "leaves the company" match or a retirement match.  I defy you to point to a single person who thought Cena was going to lose.  Even worse, if he had, it would have lead to a more interesting story!

This PPV was all sound and fury without any substance.  No WWE Champion, again.  No match stipulations that mattered, just people hurting themselves to get themselves over, or even worse, coasting by on TV quality garbage.  Even Ryback, who I am a huge mark for, couldn't deliver for me with his slow plodding match that had exactly two exciting spots that happened at terrible times and could have been used to actually create an intense climax.  I found myself talking about anything else instead of watching the PPV the first time around, and the second time was a huge chore.

Supposedly, the WWE roster who saw NXT R Evolution (my review here) said that they were going to punch it up a notch or they were upset that they don't get opportunities.  You guys have opportunities all the time to make a match great.  You guys just don't know how.  Ambrose and Wyatt were allowed to do their thing, and that match was pretty good.  It will probably be someone's favorite TLC match, because it involved their favorite wrestlers only.  NXT R Evolution didn't have a single crazy stipulation match, and it had one less hour, and still it generated more content and better wrestling than the past 6 WWE PPVs.

Honestly, I'm tired of watching WWE PPVs.  I watch them to review them.  But I feel like I just write the same thing every time: these aren't good, you don't know how to make good matches, these characters just continue to do nothing.  Really, can you name what the Usos gimmick actually is?  Or John Cena's?  Or most of the roster?  Everyone is just "guys."  They all have to sink or swim without support.  And it sucks.  Dolph Ziggler and Luke Harper tried to kill themselves for our entertainment, and still couldn't provide a match filled with any story, and there was plenty to have in that feud!  Height advantage, that early injury to both men, controlling the ladders, ANYTHING.  But nope, it was just spot after spot, set up a thing and then "forget about it" so that it can be used at the end of the match.

Vince McMahon tends to, at least I believe, think that his wrestling shows need a "main character" and that that is the only character that you should tell stories with.  Hulk Hogan to Bret Hart to Shawn Michaels to Stone Cold to the Rock to HHH to John Cena.  And now Roman Reigns, who has been a Sole Survivor, ruined a Hall of Famers record in the Royal Rumble, and been trained to be just as formulaic as Hogan, Hart, Cena, Orton, all Vince's favorites.  He tried so hard to ACT in his promo on TLC it just had me laughing.  Even worse when he screwed up his lines and got stuck staring in the camera for a nice long time trying to get back on track.

Want to watch awesome wrestling?  Watch NXT R Evolution.  Want to get your gimmick match jollies?  Lucha Underground just had an amazing triple threat ladder match, and put it online for free to people to watch on their Facebook page.

All that stuff said, we are heading into my favorite time of year for wrestling: the Road to the Royal Rumble, my favorite match and PPV.  Except we know what is going to happen this year, because Roman Reigns is being shoved down our throats so hard.  I have never turned on a guy I used to like so hard ... since John Cena, actually.  

See you guys for the Royal Rumble.  It is an odd number year, which is historically not a great thing for Rumble PPVs.  It is also the later half of a decade, which once again is not a good sign for Royal Rumbles.  I have very low expectations.  That's probably the only way I can get any excitement up for it at all at this point.

IHAO on ... NXT Takeover: R Evolution

Watching NXT PPVs is my favorite wrestling experience since I got the WWE Network.  They are working hard, they have higher production value than needed, it is a Vince-less product and shows how good of a hand the WWE will be in with HHH in complete charge, and just gets me excited.  This one in particular feels BIG because of the matches.  Every match feels big and important and that's awesome.

I also really want to talk about Corey Graves.  He is a man who impressed myself and really everyone when we started watching.  And an errant concussion ended his career, legimiately.  He can never wrestle again.  It broke my heart, because you can see it in his face, in his eyes, all the emotion as he had to take his DREAM and shelf it.  Thank goodness that the WWE has done everything they can for the guy and kept him in the company, and now he is a permanent fixture of the commentary team for NXT.  Watch HHH commend the guy for his work and offer him a huge amount of job security and hope for the future RIGHT HERE.

All right, all that said, let's kick it into gear!

Kevin Owens beats CJ Parker to death

This match is Kevin Owens' (Kevin Steen's new name) debut.  And he absolutely brutally destroys CJ Parker, who in turn also brutally destroys Kevin Owens' face with a palm strike.  I'm not sure if it was purposeful or a mistake or what, but it was a shocking nose break, and Owens never stopped bleeding or fighting, which made him even more hardcore!!  This was the best debut I've seen in NXT.  I'm rewatching this as I write this review, and I had to stop writing because Owens is amazing to watch and drew all my attention.  I am EXCITED to see more of him.

NXT Tag Team Titles: Lucha Dragons (c) retain against the Vaudvillains

The Vaudvillains have a problem.  Their name is that of a bad guy, so they play heel.  But they are both more naturally faces, and their gimmick is more naturally face as they are kind of silly.  And they get over with the crowd really well.  But they still play heel.  I'm not sure where they will go, but there was a nice moment in the end of this match where one saves the other from a massive over the top rope attack from the Lucha Dragons. The match itself is a pretty good one.  It isn't amazing, but it is really fun and told a pretty good story.  And really, being a "pretty good match" is never bad, so I'm not actually complaining.

Baron Corbin destroys Ty Dillinger and looks at Bull Dempsey

Baron Corbin is on a roll and doing something special.  He has a mystique and a power that is exciting as hell.  And he is running on Bull Dempsey, who is awful.  Bull Dempsey is basically an awful version of Kevin Owens.  I'm glad Kevin Owens is here now, so Bull Dempsey can go away.  Kevin Owens is also a better version of Mojo Rawley.  So he can go away, too.

Hideo Itami and Finn Balor finally beat the Ascension

This is a great grudge match between great guys doing great things.  This has a HUGE feeling to it, because they've been building up to it with all of these guys.  On top of that, we have this amazing spectacle that Finn Balor (formerly Prince Devitt) is known for, and it is amazing.  Utterly amazing.  Just mindgames Boogeyman craziness with a little Jeff Hardy.  It is crazy.

And on top of that, it is a GREAT match!  Everyone fights hard and fast and they do awesomely.  There is great story and logic and work.  It is awesome.  The Ascension is about to debut on the main roster with a slightly amped up version of their gimmick, so this is the big payoff to all of there feud with Hideo and Finn, and they are about to move on to something new for each of them, which is awesome.  I don't know what, but I'm excited as hell.  Once again as I write this I find myself just watching the match and loving it, completely engaged.

Roman Reigns gets shoved down our throats for a little bit, but he doesn't matter because ...

NXT Women's Championship: Charlotte (c) retains against Sasha Banks

I love women wrestlers.  I love that they are hot, and athletic, and skilled, and some of them are great.  And I hate that no matter how hard they work, some won't give them any chance.  Between this match and Charolette v. Natalya a few shows ago for NXT, I implore everyone to watch these Divas.  They have real matches, with real skill, and are just great.  Their storylines are great, their ringwork is great, and that's awesome.  Let me just quote the crowd: "This is wrestling!" *clap clap clapclapclap*

Charolette is really good.  Like, really really good.  She does amazingly well here, and does not hold punches.  She beats the hell out of Sasha, and Sasha beats the hell out of Charolette.  But there is something extra special about Sasha Banks for me.  She has improved so much since I first saw her, and I've fallen in love with her.  She tries so hard to improve, and she does constantly.  On top of that, she is vocal and present with her fans, go follow her on tumblr, that's super cool.  Tell her how great she did, because she was a star tonight, even in loss.  Very, very few wrestlers can do that.

NXT Heavyweight Championship: Sami Zayn finally wins "the big one" versus Adrien Neville (c) and reaches the end of his "road of redemption"

I love long-term storytelling.  Goldberg's streak (up until they ruined it).  Mikey Whipwreck throwing his first punch.  Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth's relationship.  And Sami Zayn's rise to the top of NXT, like the fans have always treated him.  This match is a great match because of the emotion, the work these two incredible guys do, and the storytelling within it.  It has been a joy to watch this happen for months as Zayn worked so hard and fought so long.  He is a huge star, a larger star now than if he had won earlier.  That is good storytelling.  That is making a star.

I will admit, I am a mark for Adrien Neville.  He has sparked my interest and my fandom since I first saw him.  I don't mark out much any longer, just because of being so immersed in wrestling as a fan, and making sure that I, just like with my film critiques, work hard to keep objective and subjective to two sides.  Even then, I have been accused by my roommates that my judgment is clouded about Adrien Neville's heel-ness ever since the last NXT special.  This is my position: Adrien Neville is absolutely a heel ... to Sami Zayn in this feud, but he has never fully turned heel.  He has certainly been playing the heel to Zayn in matches and a little in promos, but he's never stopped being the fighting face champion he is.  The ending of this incredible, incredible match, with everyone cheering on Zayn and him finally getting the win he deserves, him finally making it, and Adrien, defeated for the first time since he won the ladder match versus Bo Dallas back in March ... Adrien hugs his friend.  That is powerful storytelling, heel or face, doesn't matter.  This match isn't the best NXT match I've seen this year, but it is so INCREDIBLY good that it easily sits in the top ten best of the year.  Maybe top five.

Sami Zayn finally won, without ever doing what his friend Adrien did.  He never pulled the ref, never did a schoolboy, never used a weapon, never resorted to cheap tactics, even though he was tempted.  Adrien, heel or face, mark or not, has been doing dubious things to win, and Sami Zayn quite literally redeemed himself by never once doing any of those tricks.  He won, fair and square, pinned him in the middle of the ring.  And Adrien hugged him after and lifted Sami's hand in victory.  Is Adrien redeemed?  Is all this acting heel-ish over for him?  What's next for Adrien?  It is very exciting!

And then ... and then Kevin Owens, Sami Zayn's real life best friend, comes down, nose all stitched up, turns heel and destroys Sami to end the night.  This is wrestling 101, except the WWE forgot how to do it.  I am fired up to watch more!  Really, I'm fired up about everything in his PPV?  What's next for the Lucha Dragons?  Where do Hideo and Finn go?  How will Sami deal with his new place on the top and Kevin Owens?  What will Adrien do now that he isn't on the top any longer?  What will Sasha do now?

Entire WWE PPVs go by without any "big match feelings" no matter how many times JBL says it on commentary.  This two-hour broadcast had FOUR sequences with that feeling.  Lucha Underground, which I'm also watching, has that feeling quite often.  WWE is competing with themselves.  And NXT is the absolutely the best wrestling that can be watched currently.

Arbitrary Numbers: Top # Christmas Movies (in my collection)

Holiday times are upon us!  As I run around shopping for presents and planning parties and getting ready for Christmas wrestling this weekend, I find I am running out of time to just sit and watch films, even less to head to the movie theatre.  So I though I'd look about my collection, and the holiday spirit hit me!  I have so many wonderful things I own and want to watch in time for Christmas, and I know I won't have enough time!  So I decided I'll go ahead and just do an Arbitrary Numbers so I can talk about as many as I can as soon as I could so that you all can try to find them and add them to your shopping carts and get them just in time for the Holidays!  So let's begin this special Christmas task!

The Top 7 Christmas Movies 

(in my collection)

((that I feel like talking about))

Twas the Night Before Christmas

I really love Rankin and Bass cartoons.  Their claymation stuff gets a lot of attention, but their cartoons are especially ... special for me.  The Hobbit, the Last Unicorn, these were for me the first forays into my favorite genre, just as I was reading the Hobbit and the Belgariad and the Dragonlance books.  The Rankin and Bass Christmas stuff is probably even more well known, but I want to talk about my favorite one, which like I said, is animated.

Twas the Night Before Christmas is a fun musical addition to the poem, talking about a clockmaker trying to help the town but everything gets screwed up because of the mice in his house, who are anthropomorphic (big plus for my viewing as a kid).  The entire special, which is not long, ends with the poem itself.  I love this little thing, and am so happy to have it in my collection.  It isn't perfect, it's short, and the animation is probably too off-putting or "ugly" for some I suspect.  But like I said, I love it.

Grade: B++

It is very sad to know that Arthur Rankin Jr. had passed away this January.  I didn't even hear about it until recently.  Thank you very much for this little special, and so many others that touched my heart, as well as basically everyone else's.  RIP.

Ernest Saves Christmas

I talked about this in my machine gun style review RIGHT HERE.  Go check that out, because this is great.

Grade: B++

Mickey's Christmas Carol and The Muppet Christmas Carol

I bunched these two together because they are my favorite Christmas Carols on film!  These are filled with music and characters and wonder.  But they also do not miss the tone of the book, the ghost story and morality story.  You see Mickey cry for goodness sakes!  I love them both and watch them both every year.

I should also point out that I have the blu-ray of Mickey's and the DVD of Muppet.  Why?  Well the new blu-ray of Mickey's has a bunch of other winter and Christmas specials that make the whole thing a wonderful collection piece to own, only missing one Donald Duck short I remember from my childhood that I wish I had, which is hardly a knock for all the other things it adds.  But why didn't I upgrade Muppet Christmas Carol?  Because the blu-ray is missing a song!  A beautiful song sung by Michael Caine and Scrooge's lost love.  It is amazing and heartwrenching and beautiful and necessary in my eyes for the story.  You see, it isn't in widescreen, so the blu-ray just didn't include it.  But it is in fullscreen, which I can watch with an option on my DVD.  So there you go!  I'm sure you were all curious.

Grade: A+++ for both

Rare Exports

Wanna watch a weird quirky adventure film about Christmas and demons and hunting and little boys and Norway?  Rare Exports is a beautiful film.  It is a touching film.  And it is an exciting film!  Most people talk about Die Hard when they need a Christmas action movie, or Gremlins for a Christmas fun comedy horror.  But both of those films are really only kind of Christmas-y.  Rare Exports hits all the buttons those two films do, but it is all so much more about Christmas.  Rare Exports should not replace either, but it should sit beside them!

Included on the blu-ray are the two original shorts that brought the full film into being.  Both shorts are great, with the second being my absolute favorite, and are both a little more tongue-in-cheek and crazy.  As an entire package, it has become a yearly tradition, and I love sharing it with people.  So I'm sharing it with you.  See it!  Find it!  Do it!!

Grade: A++

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

I feel like I talk about this special all the time.  There are actually two versions of the Sesame Street special for Christmas that came out at the same time.  THIS one is perfect.  The other one is garbage.  This one is about a sweet story of Big Bird worried that Santa can't fit down the chimneys, it is filled with wonder, it is filled with amazing music and great jokes, it has Bert and Ernie being ridiculous and doing the Gift of the Magi, it has Oscar singing a song about hating Christmas, it has the most amazing pratt fall sequence just ... at ALL.  *sigh*

I love this little special.  Even better, it is on DVD, and I'm pretty sure it can be found at Best Buys just around.  So take a look!  You will not regret it.

Grade: A++

Now, I could talk about a lot more movies and specials I own that mean something to me and I love watching, like Jingle all the Way or National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or Reindeer Games, which are all great and different for a bunch of reasons.  And who knows, I may just write reviews for them anyway later on this month.  But I really want to talk about a cool documentary I bought for my wife as a gift instead to close this little article out ...

I am Santa Claus

In this documentary, we follow five men, all "real beard Santas."  We see their life struggles, their regular world life, and we even get to see one man's quest to be a good Santa.  That man is Mick Foley, Hardcore Legend.  This documentary is not for families.  It is very adult.  And it is very touching.  

We watch four men, all vastly different, talk about what it means to be Santa Claus to them, all of them from different parts of the country, all from different walks of life, and all of them real people.  This isn't a "happy endings" kind of documentary.  This followed all of these guys for one year and cuts between and juxtaposes them as the film goes along.  You are allowed into their lives and get to see their hardships, their delights, just ... life.  It was a great documentary, and really touching as well as sad and poignant.  I cannot recommend it enough, and I am NOT a documentary person.

Grade: A+

There we go!  Now, I gotta go wrap more presents and other stuff.  Oh, did I tell you, I'm hosting a Dirty Santa party?  Do you wanna know what that is?  Well you are in luck, because I will be explaining it entirely and showing pictures of our game and party in ONE WEEK, on the 18th, which is one week before Christmas!  See ya then for that!  Also look forward to lots more Christmas reviews, wrestling reviews this Friday and on Monday, and a lot of great End of Year reviews!  Buh-bye!

IHAO on ... Fantastic Mr. Fox

One of the absolutely most difficult things to express to people about my grading system is that there are very good films out there that I hate.  I use my objective grade and subjective grade together thing to be able to talk about just those kinds of things.  But, honestly, my tastes are so diverse that I end up generally liking most really good movies because I just really like well made movies.  Segue, let's talk about Wes Anderson.

I remember watching The Royal Tenenbaums many years back.  It was suggested to me as a great film.  I liked a whole bunch of the actors, I had never heard of this guy, and I was told it was funny.  So I watch it.  And I hated it.  I later was shown Rushmore, which has a bunch of good actors and I was told it was funny.  I watch it.  And I hated it.  Man, do I hate this stuff.  So I say "this guy must not be my cup of tea" and leave it at that.

But so many film people I know love the guy and his films.  And so many non-film people really love his films.  They love the quirk and the weird and the slightly inhumanness of it all.  They love the high class characters dealing with being unable to unload their real emotions and stuck in a rut.  They love the odd music choices and the storybook strange camera placement and the overly meticulated - what? it could be a word - blocking.  And none of that is bad.  Not a single bit.  In fact, a lot of it is great.  And I hate all of it.  A pure, deep down inside me, personal subjective rancor that burns deep in the crucible of my soul in a fire of utter hatred and bile.  I just hate Wes Anderson's films.

Thank you, Vince Vaughn, for being the only gif I could find that showed true, complete, and utter hatred instead of "Haters Gonna Hate."

So I swore them off.  And I lived a happy life.  And then I started getting more into films.  I started forcing myself to be more critical, to see the things that are elements of great filmmaking, of seeking out great films, of learning why the films I love are actually well made, or not well made as the case was going to be in a lot of them.  Poor Chipmunk Adventure, with your beautiful musical, hilarious bad guys, terrible vignette-y plot, and only sometimes good looking animation.

At the same time, my rival Wes Anderson was looking for a new way to destroy me.  So he decided to take a form of filmmaking I love, stop motion, and a Roald Dahl story I LOVED since I was a child, Fantastic Mr. Fox, and turn his social commentary lens to it and tell his own story using Dahl's fantastic story as a fantastic backbone to make a fantastic movie.  A fantastic movie that I still utterly hate, even though I can see how good it is.

Plot: A crook and family man, Mr. Fox (Clooney), swears off stealing.  But the itch gets to him, so he plans on final big heist after years of living a white-color job of boredom for him.  But the farmers he steals from retaliate, and retaliate, and continue to retaliate, swearing to destroy everything because of Mr. Fox's hubris.

Let me do this.  You can already hear the hate in every word I write.  I yell each word at the top of my lungs, filled with ichor and bile, even the positive things.  So let me point out the few things that don't quite work in this film.  The voice cast, while in a few cases excellent, feels a little off, with the worst offender being Clooney, who actually is kind of emotionless, and that hurts the tone and morality of the film a bit.  Also, the mouth movements of the foxes doesn't match the voices, most noticably from profile.  And ... that's it.

Beyond those two legitimate complaints, there really is nothing "bad" about the movie.  In fact, in spite of myself, there were some moments I really loved.  Some characters I really enjoyed.  Those things I enjoyed were few and far between, and the stuff between them was stuff that made me wish I was removing layers of skin from my eyelids instead of watching it, but that is merely because I hate every choice Wes Anderson makes.  Every very good and valid choice.  Every excellent choice.  Every weird song works.  Every overly micromanaged shot makes the most out of the image we are seeing.  Every color correction and overly stylized set dressing all of it enhances the film.  This is a GOOD movie.  A great movie, really, I think.  And I just cannot stand it.

Grade: A--

IHAO on ... Penguins of Madagascar

Dreamworks animation has never really done it for me.  Either it is trying to hard to have cute slick Pixar-style characters but they never move correctly, like Shark Tale or the Madagascar films, or they have slightly weird off-putting characters but the motion and visuals created are perfect, like the Croods.  Penguins is much like any of the other Dreamworks films, in that the characters are sometimes cute, sometimes ugly, sometimes move really well and sometimes move really weird.  But to combat all of that, they wrote a script that works with the cute/ugly stuff and the cartoony movements versus the more Disney-styled real movement of the penguins.  It is a weird bag.  A good, weird bag.

What's the story?  You learn the origins of the Penguin characters from the Madagascar films, then you skyrocket (not joke) into the story as they do a heist, are captured by an evil Grinch-mouthed John Malkovich-ian octopus that has some kind of large evil plan for the penguins.  Then they meet with the North Wind, another spy agency except they are a real one!  Personalities clash, plots are schemed, morals are learned, action is had!

This movie would be perfect if Terry Crews was in it.  As a human.  Non-CGI.  

Terry Crews is perfect and I wanted an excuse to use this happy dance gif, is what I'm saying.

This film is very pulpy and cartoony, which is fun.  I love a good pulp adventure and I like my spy stuff to be treated more fun and silly, cutting some of the talky talk mumbo jumbo politics stuff and getting to the James Bond action and such.  The characters of the Penguins are completely realized, full fledged characters, as should be expected from their 4th film and a television show under their belt.  Malkovich is funny and over the top, which are two things I never thought I'd say about him.  The actual morals of the film are kind of standard kids faire ... but they are done in a very interesting, subversive way to begin with and then it becomes a literal plot point instead of a symbolic one for our heroes to deal with.  The plot twists and turns and has great fun.

I feel like I need to say something negative about this movie.  I feel like it doesn't quite stack up ... but it totally does stack up in every way.  Hilarious lines and jokes, great emotions, a clever plot, great morals, Penguins is a really good movie.  Check it out.

Grade: A+

IHAO on ... a bunch of movies!! - 26 Reviews

Hello everyone! 

Time is an enemy to everyone who is trying to do anything important.  Or at least time-sensitive.   I love being able to write reviews for everyone about everything, current, old, wrestling, television, just on everything, as well as writing all the sillier or more intricate reviews, like the Arbitrary Numbers and the Fantasy Bookings.  But that leaves very little time for me to be able to actually cover everything.  I can’t put out two reviews a day, because that is too much to ask you folks to read.  And I only put out 5 a week, but every week there is probably on average one new film or wrestling event to writing about, and that takes a slot.  Then there are weeks with many films, like I’ve had recently and will be moving into with Oscar season continuing.

So I came up with an idea.  I asked my facebook to give me a list of movies that they did not think I had seen.  I absorb entertainment and media like a sponge, and have watched a LOT of movies.  This way I can give shorter reviews on a bunch of things people might not think I’ve seen, as well as have a fun bank of things to come back to when I need inspiration.  In the nice long list of films, I probably saw a fifth of them, which is a great number.  So I’m going to review all 26 of the movies that were suggested that I have seen.  This will be a rapid fire barrage of reviews.  Let’s get going!

 Dinosaurs! – Nicole Clockel
An edu-tainment Claymation-y fun short about dinosaur life.  I remember specifically sitting with my best friend at the time, Karl, when we were 7 or 8 at his house, and between playing TMNT SNES games or with figures or running around outside, we watched this little video.  I’ve seen it since then as well, but it is a silly thing to talk about.  It is purposefully silly, and all kinds of weird, but really enjoyable.  It is on youtube, and I’ll linky it here.  I definitely think it is worth your time, because of nostalgia for some of you and just for fun in general.  It isn’t great by any means, but it is fun.
Grade: C+



Rat Race – Lenton Lees 
The semi-rebooting, more “another version” of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, Rat Race features an incredible cast, and is a big ole chase/race comedy.  It is hilarious, has some heart, and some awesome music.  It is probably one of the best comedies to introduce people to a bunch of great comedians all at once, including Mr. Bean, Seth Green, Whoopi Goldberg, John Cleese, Breckin Mayer, Amy Smart, and Jon Lovitz.  Really enjoyable, though it doesn’t quite shoot that extra mile.  It sits in a nice comfortable zone that most good comedies do, where it is real good, but the actual film never tries to be any greater than that.  Highly recommend.
Grade: B++

The Longest Yard – Lenton Lees
Wrestlers!  Sandler the last time he was funny!  Except there’s sequences of it totally not being funny, too, because Sandler has to always ALWAYS write his characters as having enormous penises or getting the hottest women in the world.  But that’s fine, because that has very little actual impact on the movie.  This is probably one of my favorite sports films I’ve seen.  It actually goes that extra mile in film quality and technique, as well as just having incredible actors in Burt Reynolds, William Fichtner, Terry Crews, and a slew of awesome wrestler … not “cameos” as everyone’s screentime and character weight is larger than that.  It is an incredibly fun sports movie with a moving story, it is really funny, and even though it blatantly steals an entire scene from the British remake of the Longest Yard, Mean Machine, it is still a really fun movie that is also really good.  Probably my favorite Sandler film, and easily the one I think that is his best film.
Grade: A++

Ernest Saves Christmas – Lenton Lees
Here’s the thing about Ernest: you either love Jim Varney’s shenanigans, or you just don’t get it or see a point.  I personally find Ernest endearing.  In fact, this is the first Ernest film I saw, which is good, because it is also easily his highest budgeted, best looking, best acted, best directed, BEST Ernest film.  It tells a great story, has fun comedy, and is a Christmas classic in the Jessel household.  On top of that, I do believe it has my absolute favorite Santa Claus in film, played by the same dude who is the Sultan and Jasmine’s father in Aladdin!  He is perfect as Santa, and adds some amazing gravitas to what could have just been a frivolous and silly kids movie.  It isn’t one of the best movies ever made, and the effects are absolutely dated, but it is a wonderful movie.
Grade: B++

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut – Lenton Lees
Trey Parker and Matt Stone have made all of two things I like: South Park and Book of Mormon.  I do not like BASEketball, I don’t like Cannibal: the Musical, I don’t like Orgazmo.  But this movie is excellent.  It is an amazingly well made musical parody of just about every single style of musical, from Les Mis to Disney to Sound of Music.  The story itself has a purpose to exist as a film because it is about censorship, parental choices, and really nice satire of the “crusade” against cursing.  I really think this movie does everything right.  And its unique animation style makes it in a sense timeless, which is great!  Great movie.
Grade: A+

Much Ado About Nothing (Whedon version) – Lenton Lees
Not every movie that is a good movie I like.  Wes Anderson movies prove that.  As does this one.  One of the best things about Shakespeare is that every adaptation is 100% the director’s intention.  And some of Joss’ choices are awesome.  And some are not.  I think Whedon was able to really elevate the parts of Claudio and Don Pedro fantastically, making both parts have a lot more weight and interest than most versions of the show.  He also made some very good comedic choices early in the film.  But very quickly, the comedy of this comedy goes away.  And that’s … just … wrong.  Much Ado About Nothing is a comedy, pure and simple.  And Whedon treated it as a drama.  And that is a disservice to a lot of the characters, a lot of the language, and a lot of other choices.  Dogberry wasn’t particularly funny, even though he’s written to be.  Don Jon isn’t very menacing because everything is treated so seriously so he isn’t a foil.  Benedict and Beatrice don’t have a banter-filled romance because the banter is more catty and snide than humorous and joyful.  There are some bits I really enjoyed, generally whenever he had the actors get more physical, because otherwise they just pontificate into the wind at each other.  In the end, Whedon focused on the “Much Ado” while forgetting the point that it is all about “Nothing.”
Grade: B-

Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars! – Jason Abraham
I’ve been saving this one for a Nanarsday review, but I’m MORE than happy to talk about this HORRIBLE MOVIE now!  It is a gloriously terrible movie about a man who has sex with an alien vacuum cleaner, and it becomes a rapist and rapes a woman, who gives birth to a human-vacuum hybrid baby.  It is gross, and hilarious, and terrible.  One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and I LOVE IT!  I found it randomly years ago, and it is a pride of my collection of films because of its ridiculous-ness.  Really, if anyone ever wanted to watch it, FIND ME and we’ll watch it that second.
Grade: F+

Chasing Amy – Jason Abraham
I have a love/hate relationship with Kevin Smith.  I either love his films and buy into them completely, or hate them and find them worthless.  Chasing Amy falls in the worthless category.  The script is preachy, the situation is so narrow that no one can relate to it, making the characters unlikable and just complainers.  Smith doesn’t direct Affleck very well here, which is crazy considering how great Affleck is in other Smith films.  It just … I just hate this movie.  Give me Dogma, Mallrats, or Clerks II any day.
Grade: C--


Dawn of the Dead; Day of the Dead; Land of the Dead – Tony Daniel
I love this little bit.  I may have never seen Night of the Living Dead, but I have absolutely seen and own all of the Romero trilogy of Dead films.  Comes with being married to a zombie lover.  Let’s touch on all of these:

Dawn of the Dead – This film is perfect.  Acting, tension, shots, characters, story, everything.  This may just be my favorite zombie movie, period.  I was blown away because what I THOUGHT this movie was and what it actually is are two VERY different things.  The effects are real old and not very good looking, but I like to see them like a time capsule of effects, and completely buy into them.  I say it all the time, but dated-ness is not a real negative, and these may not be the best effects, but they are great effects for what they are.  I cannot recommend this film more highly.  Grade: A++

Day of the Dead – I thought this would be my favorite, and I do really like it.  It is much more of what I thought it would be.  And it easily has one of the best villains a zombie film has ever had in it.  It also explores the zombie mythos more, which is very cool, and Romero continues to push the envelope with his characters.  It has better effects and is really interesting … but just not as good as Dawn.  I don’t know if I can put my finger really on why, but I think it is something to do with our protagonist, who while being interesting just isn’t as good of an actress, and the pacing of the film itself is a little off, leading to some boring stretches.  But the effects, and the other characters, are all well worth price of admission here.  Grade: B+

Land of the Dead – So Dawn of the Dead got a remake, and Romero was all “I can make a ‘modern’ zombie film better than that.”  So he continued the story of his world of zombies.  And man, I love it.  It isn’t as good as the last few, but it has some GREAT characters, some awesome world building, and while the plot is less interesting, the overall effect leaves me very happy.  I love this movie, even if it began the decline in quality of Romero’s writing.  Grade: B++

The Man Who Knew Too Little – Beth Lyons
This comedy was actually suggested to me by Beth probably a year or so ago, so I bought it, and I watched it.  I wish I had been writing reviews then, because then I wouldn’t have to think about this movie again.  Oh, yeah, that should make it obvious, I don’t like the movie.  I don’t think it is bad, I just didn’t find most of its comedy very good.  The entire idea is fine, and some of the scenes are fine, but the whole product just leaves me cold, as our protagonist has to be continually stupider and stupider to allow the very thin premise of “believes all the spy stuff is fake, accidentally gets caught in real spy stuff” to continue.  The climax of the film is just long and tedious with the whole Russian dance sequence and the bomb and … ugh.  I just did not care for the film, and really do not think it is very good, and mostly forgettable.
Grade: C--

The Bank Job – Jason Schmidt
Good ole Jason Statham.  Action star, good actor, British.  Ok, so Bank Job isn’t a GREAT movie.  It’s a real good one, though.  Based on a real heist, with some good actors and some great camera work, the film works.  I’ve seen a lot less memorable Statham films, though this one only barely jumps above that pack.  It isn’t great, but it is fun.  And if you are a history person or a heist person, this one may do even more for you.  For me, it was just a good movie.
Grade: B

Jackie Brown – Jason Schmidt
Jackie Brown is a neat little movie.  That actually sounds more belittling than I mean it to.  It has a slow first act, but not a BAD first act, just a slow one, that builds really well to an amazingly well made finish.  Lots of great actors all throughout the film, including the wonderful Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson playing the character that we all actually attribute to him in the modern zeitgeist, and Robert De Niro who may have … 8 lines in the whole movie?  But it is still one of his best roles.  I really like this movie.  It isn’t the easiest sit because of that long first act that really needed an editor, and Robert Foster is good but doesn’t quite keep me as interested for those long sections as Tarantino has found Christoph Waltz can.  But it is still a very good, very ambitious movie.
Grade: B+

State and Main – Jason Schmidt
David Mamet is a playwright, director, and a screenwriter and director.  He is known for things like Glengarry Glen Ross and American Buffalo, but he’s done a lot of other stuff.  State and Main is one of those other stuffs.  It … isn’t particularly good.  There are bits and pieces I really like in there, but there is also some stunt casting that does nothing for me and some of the comedy beats come across VERY Mamet, in that every character rushes through their dialogue as fast as they can.  The actual movie is about the filming of a movie in a little town because they like a stained glass window, and all the turmoil it causes everyone.  I don’t really think it is worth a watch, but for some people, all that fast-talking is actually a turn-on.  If you are a Aaron Sorkin fan, this may just be up your alley.
Grade: C-

Devil’s Advocate – Jason Schmidt
I love talking about good Keanu Reeves films.  Mostly because I think he is an underrated actor.  As an actor myself, I can see the actual “craft” in what he is doing, and I get why for some he doesn’t come across like he acts.  He is very stoic faced a lot of the time, and his voice is generally calm no matter the emotion.  But what Keanu does really well is expression of emotion through his eyes and his body.  There are very few actors who can pull of supreme confidence just by standing there saying nothing like Keanu can.  And there are very few that can show the deterioration of a soul like Keanu can, that slow wearing down that was necessary for this film.  Devil’s Advocate is a GREAT movie.  It is a morality play in a time period when morality was pretty gauche to begin with.  Al Pacino is fantastic in the movie as well.  It is a great film.  One I used to own, and I need to buy again.  I recommend.
Grade: A+

Man on the Moon – Jason Schmidt
The biopic on Andy Kaufman, made by dear friends of Andy Kaufman, paying homage to the man, played by the only person anyone that knew Kaufman thought could play him.  This is a great biopic.  It has great music.  It has great acting.  It has a compelling, albeit very movie-fied as admitted by the prologue of the film, story of the real life of this enigmatic actor.  I own the soundtrack.  I own the film.  I love both.  It is a shame that Jim Carrey did not get the Oscar for this performance, but of course he should have since 1999 was the year of terrible Oscar decisions and Shakespeare in Love sweeping through almost everything.  Man on the Moon was called by some the best picture of 1999, and others just didn’t get it.  Which is kind of perfect when it comes to talking about Andy Kaufman.  I highly recommend to anyone that loves comedy and the history of comedy.
Grade: A++

Mars Attacks! – Jason Schmidt
My dad took me to see this movie.  My mom didn’t like that he did.  It is a weird, silly, off-putting, crazy kind of film.  Definitely not for everyone.  It is absolutely unique, and everything I want from a Tim Burton film.  It also holds the honor of being the only live-action film based on a trading card series, which is a mindboggling piece of information by itself.  A tongue-in-cheek homage to 50s sci-fi horror films, and filled with just … craziness.  Man, I just … this is a weird movie kids.  Too weird to be good, too weird to be bad, it is its own brand of quality.
Grade: W (for weird … I actually give it a C)

The Departed – Jason Schmidt
Hey, wanna know a great movie?  The Departed.  Done.  Go watch a great movie.  What you need more?  How about its pedigree of actors and directors and cinematographers?  I’ll wait while you imdb it.  I know right?  How about the incredible filmmaking just in general?  Or the tight script?  Or the intriguing characters?  Or the amazing conceit?  Or the original that is ALSO good, but this remakes for western audiences in an old school mafia way that transcends the original?  This movie is great.  Period.  Watch it.
Grade: A+

Black Swan – Jason Schmidt
Darren Aronofsky is so so good.  And Black Swan is amazing.  Tense, thrilling, psychological, amazing acting from Natalie Portman (got an Oscar for it, well deserved), this movie is phenomenal.  The music is of course going to be great because it is Swan Lake.  But really, this movie is amazing.  It should have gotten at least a cinematography and a best director nod.  It got neither.  These kind of psychological thinky thrillers tend to not do well in the Oscars.  Aronofsky deserves awards.  And this film is one of his best, written as if tailored to his style specifically even though it wasn’t.  Watch this very very intense film some time.
Grade: A++

Waterworld – Jason Schmidt
Waterworld is one of the biggest financial flops in history.  Doesn’t make it a bad movie, though.  It makes it a great punchline, but as a fantasy movie, it is actually all kinds of AWESOME.  The setting is all practical and all amazing.  The acting is great from Dennis Hopper and even Kevin Costner.  The script is a great story filled with little nods and secrets to the what happened in the world.  The action is awesome.  I love the movie, and really don’t understand why others don’t.  Maybe because they only know the joke and never actually watched the thing.  Give it a chance.
Grade: A++

12 Monkeys – Jason Schmidt
Time travel movies are difficult, and sometimes their plots just don’t quite add up.  Other times they are too simple.  12 Monkeys is both.  Confusing and simple.  I don’t think it is a bad movie, it has some real interesting parts to it and some good acting.  But I ultimately found it boring.
Grade: B-

Four Rooms – Jason Schmidt
Four very different vignettes from four pretty different directors all based around rooms in a hotel.  Uh … I guess I’ll say this: Tim Roth is great.  Each individual sequence is so incredibly different I’ll just grade each one.
Part 1: D
Part 2: C-
Part 3: A+
Part 4: B+
So when I watch it, I just skip to the middle.  Yup.

Deathproof – Jason Schmidt
Man, I do not know how to talk about this one ... ok, lemme list the things that are good. The direction is fantastic. The movie looks and FEELS good, from a filmmaking and thematic standpoint. Kurt Russel is AMAZING as Stuntman Mike. The action and car sequences are really amazing and frenetic. A lot of the things that I love from Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained are here and this is the prototype for him directing like that. This movie is a bridge from his old style (which I generally don't care for) and his new style. There is a lot to like. But this movie SERIOUSLY needed an editor. A stronger edit would have helped this movie incredibly. And another sequence of Stuntman Mike doing what he does would have been perfect. Trim down all the standard Tarantino talky talk that didn't really do very much and give us another Stuntman Mike sequence. Tarantino learned to trim himself for Basterds and Django, making much stronger, engaging films. And that's the problem, I suppose. I really wanted to be engaged the whole time, and was really only engaged when Kurt Russel was onscreen and for the basics of the chicks. The genre subversion at the end was interesting, but for me, abrupt, and right at the end, I actually found myself rooting for Stuntman Mike because I knew more about him and understood him better, and he had less dialog than the chicks that I was supposed to be rooting for. Showing, not telling, made him a stronger, more engaging character. And they just left Mary Elizabeth Winestead with the crazy redneck! What the heck!? This movie is hard to grade. I can see myself wanting to watch it again, and I LOVED everything with Kurt Russel, but I dunno if I wanna slog through the rest.Grade: B-

High Fidelity – Jason Schmidt
One of the first “serious” comedies I’ve ever seen, it made a huge impact on me.  I am a collector and sponge for media much like John Cusack is in the film, though my own life and his represented in the film has nothing in common, and I don’t actually relate to him, but that doesn’t actually matter.  He resonates.  And his relationship struggles opened my eyes.  The film is unique, which is a huge plus.  It is a really well written and well acted film, so that’s real cool.  Honestly, though, it just didn’t stick with me like I thought it would, and I don’t care to see it again.  I don’t hate it.  I just don’t like it.  I remember how good it was, but that’s the extent of it.
Grade: A

Harvey – Cindy Carrin
The only Jimmy Stewart film I’ve seen and loved.  It is a great play, a great old movie, and just awesome all around.  A classic.  You absolutely should watch it.  Everyone.  Do it.
Grade: A+






And there we have it!  A LOT of films reviewed in a handy dandy quick way with beautiful pictures that took me way too long to format.  Thanks everyone, and I am positive I will do an exercise like this again!  Until tomorrow, where we have some newer films, a Wes Anderson film, some wrestling, and probably other stuff!

IHAO on ... Illness

Bah, sick.  In the heart and the head.  I am going to say this simply and quickly: I hate everything that is happening in our country with regards to our police.  I mourn for the families that have been torn apart.  Right or wrong, criminal or not, overstepping or not, whatever, I don't care.  There are families that are in serious pain and are no longer whole today because of all of this garbage.

So I am going "silent" today and for this weekend.  I'll see you guys Monday for an enormous review of something like twenty movies.