IHAO on ... Everything-Else of the Year 2014

Get ready, this is a long one!

Welp, you guys did it.  You guys took a thing and made it more than mostly ridiculous.  It is a terrible list that is worth no one’s time, and I’m going to give you exactly what you asked for!  It is going to be ridiculous, but honest as best as I can.  The only things I will not be answering from the enormous list of “of the years” will be anything that is not actually an opinion but a fact I can look up.  I’ll also randomize these, and I couldn’t remember who gave me these at all.  So let’s do this.

“Most Wonderful Time” of the year 2014

Christmas is great, as is Halloween, but I can absolutely state that the most wonderful time of the year is early December afternoons, when the sky is grey and the weather is chill, when the breeze is hard and slow.  That is always the most wonderful.  I love it, and always will.

“Meal” of the year 2014

I’ve eaten a lot of meals this year.  On average probably 1.7 a day.  There have been a lot of things made by me and others that have been pretty outstanding, but for me, the meal of this year was a month or so ago at Moe’s.  The health inspector had just come and was giving notes, so I got my Wrong Doug with the grilled green peppers ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.  I have never had one as good as I did that day when Drew and I randomly decided to go early.

“D&D character (in games I’ve run or been a part of this year)” of the year 2014

I am currently running two Dungeons and Dragons games.  I hope to be running a third World of Darkness game soon as well.  Of the two games, to pick a single character would be hard, but I bet you my players would absolutely agree that the character of the year is Livbl, a snake-oil salesman from a chaotic swamp town we spent awhile in.  He was a scam artist, everyone knew it, but they kept letting his charm and work ethic win them over until eventually one of the players bought out every potion this flim-flam artist was selling in one big swoop.

“Seasoning/spice” of the year 2014

Paprika.  From Wal Mart.

“Episode of television” of the year 2014

There are only two television shows I watch at all currently that aren’t wrestling or sentai.  And they both had an AMAZING midseason finale … so I’m going with both of those.  Flash s01e09 and Arrow s03e09.  Both were incredible, and both shows continue to be my favorite shows in recent memory.  Flash is currently a little better than Arrow as a whole, but I love both of these episodes equally.

“Theft” of the year 2014

I was real worried that I wouldn’t have anything for this category, but luckily my good friend Jason helped me out by getting his car window smashed and some stuff stolen.  Don’t worry or feel bad though, he is in surprisingly good spirits about it.  It was a nail-biter, but this one just made it in time.

“Death” of the year 2014

Absolutely it is the devastating loss of the Ultimate Warrior.  You can read about it here, and I quote his final promo in my Wrestling of the Year article as well.

“Day” of the year 2014

May 23^rd

“Video Performance by Beyonce” of the year 2014

I am not a Beyonce fan.  That is to say, I don’t listen to her music or watch her videos.  But I am a fan of other artists, and do watch their videos, and one of them happens to be a Beyonce one, which is probably the only video I watched that had anything to do with Beyonce this year, so itwins by default.  

“Betrayal” of the year 2014

Oh goodness.  Ok, so I’ve sat here for probably two hours stuck on this one.  I still have … 34 more of these to answer for the year, and I have quite honestly no idea at all.  I mean, I guess I need to go with … no, you know what, I’ll go a little more subtle than what I was planning.  I’m going with Adrian Neville’s betrayal of his friendship to Sami Zayn as he fought to retain his championship.  Adrian got as close to heel as a face could ever get without actually becoming a full-fledged bad guy, called his best friend unworthy and not good enough, and allowed himself to, while never cheating, bend the rules of matches in a way that is absolutely a betrayal of his own virtues and his friendship and competitive spirit with Sami Zayn.  There we go.

“World Event” of the year 2014

Bah.  Ummm … let’s go with the entire North Korea/The Interview debacle.  That was ridiculous here in the states, but also across the world.  I don’t know if affected anyone else around the world, but it is certainly a crazy event.

“Best Hamming/Worst Hamming” of the year 2014

Worst is easy.  Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber To, which as I posted yesterday, was the worst film for me of the year.  He was an awful caricature of himself, constantly chewing the scenary and mugging for the camera.  Best Hamming … The Rock’s social media comedy.  He is ridiculous and fun and hilarious and shout-outs to all sorts of people and is just he smiley-est and dopey-est enormous Hercules of a dude.  Good work, Dwayne.

“Engaged couple (wink wink hint hint nudge nudge please pick Poseph)” of the year 2014

Some of the inside jokes and requests here are a little more subtle.  Like, it isn’t so obvious that Michael Collins asked about “hamming.” But Paige is being pretty daggum obvious.  So I guess I’ll have to pick … Joge!  BOOOM!  That’s right, I’m using a different abbreviation of your names that ends up sounding like a stupid meme that I hate!  Much whatever, stupid joke, don’t do it right.

“Inside joke that no one else will know except the person who was part of it and will confuse everyone cuz im not even gona explain it or give any names” of the year 2014

Potato stockings, bra.  Potato stockings.

“Catchphrase” of the year 2014

S. A. W. F. T.  Saaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwft!

“Dog” of the year 2014

P-chan, my wonderful pug, will always win this award until the unfortunate year she is no longer with us, in which I will retire this category to never be used again.

“Figure of Speech” of the year 2014

It is hard to describe, but a really stupid thing we end up doing in my household is to just mangle and ruin words in the worst possible way.  Such as “Daniel” becomes “Dangus.”  “Drew” becomes “Drewbii.”  “Melanie” becomes “Melalaualulalll.”  It is awful.  And we do it all the time.  So yeah, that.

“Piece of Mail I received” of the year 2014

Uh … I mean, I’ve order a bunch of cool stuff for the site and for myself.  And I know for a fact that the thing I am always the most excited to get is the next One Piece Collection for my DVD set!  I have the first 10, all of which I got this year, and it has become a favorite show of mine! I talked about it on the site in fact RIGHT HERE!  And COLLECTION 11 comes out in January!!!  So yeah, those.  Well, I have to pick one, so I’ll say that the one I was most excited for was Collection 4.

“’Of the Year’ list” of the year 2014

This one.

“Thing I hated” of the year 2014

Man, there are probably a lot of things I fumed and cussed and moaned about this year.  Most of the times it is things on this site, like the Batman review or Interstellar.  But the thing I think I hated most this year was the crop of memes that became popular right at the end of the year, especially the abstract frog feeling thing.  Ugh.

“Kabuki” of the year 2014

Uh … I mean, I watch a LOT of stuff, but … the closest I can say is Ressha Sentai ToQger, I suppose, since it is a Japanese art form like Kabuki.  I love it so much, and other sentai so much, that I’m think about starting a new series about it all.  I’ll talk about it more next year.

“Comedian” of the year 2014

This one is hard.  Wait, no it isn’t.  It is totally gonna be my (soon to be) good friend Paul!  He came and did a ten minute set for the best improve show that myself and the rest of the troupe I am in did, and he performed to his largest audience yet, which is amazingly cool!  He is real funny, and is working hard to be great at comedy.  I need to do something with him next year.  Maybe something … wrestling related.  Maybe something … podcast related.  Hmmm …

“Best class played (in Dungeons and Dragons)” of the year 2014

All right, this one is fun.  In my two campaigns, these are the break downs of the classes:

-          The Books of Eight Campaign: Invoker, Thief, Gypsy, Druid/Thief, Shaman, Fighter, Cleric (deceased)

-          Dunesko: Mirager, Fighter, Cleric/Thief, Necromancer, Bard

There isn’t a lot of overlap, especially considering how drastically different the two fighters are.  But really, my favorite class played currently is Shaman, which doesn’t work like most classes as you cannot cast quickly, you have to plan things out and ask favors of spirits, until you become more powerful and can chance doing an immediate calling.

Oh, wait, it says “best.”  Yeah, I love utility classes, but Shaman is definitely not the best, no offense to Alanthelis “Drew” Turner.  The class I think is the best, as in most effective and as a DM is the one I have the hardest time to plan around, is Druid.  Druid OP, what can I say. 

“Awkward Moment” of the year 2014

I have moments that were awkward for a lot of reasons, but none I really want to talk about or think top out the year.  The most awkard moment I can think of was very early in the year when, during an improve show, I made a “blue” joke.  A very funny one, too, but it was exceedingly off-color, and it bothered a few people, though none of the people that it could have bothered.  Yeah, it was a race joke.  And the guys I talked to of the race loved it.  But it still bothered enough people that I was told about it.  And I then had to go and talk to the parents of the kids I teach improve to every year and apologize.  That was rough.  Luckily, not a single parent cared, thought I did anything bad, or thought I was a bad influence on their kid.  Or at least, not THAT bad.  Ok, so maybe a few, but it didn’t actually hurt my standing with any of the parents or the kids, and that was what I was most worried about.  It was not an easy moment, and absolutely taught me that while I personally believe there is no such things as an “off limits joke,” when I teach kids, I need to make sure I am a little more above reproach if I want to continue to work with those kids, and if I want to move up the ranks in the theatre.

“Confession” of the year 2014

Does this mean I need to confess something?  I mean, I could be scandalous I suppose.  Or is this a thing that was confessed already and should be remembered for it?  Uhh … I’m going to go with the later, because I’ll probably lose at least one friend if I make a confession I was thinking about doing.  Of the confessions that have already happened … OH, a friend confessed to me that he hated it when people use his last name as his name or nickname and I hadn’t known it for YEARS and had not only been doing it, but had gotten other people doing it to.  That was … I mean, that’s a big confession that made me realize I need to be a little better with that kind of thing.  We are better friends now.  :D

“Albino” of the year 2014

This albino pug:

“Game” of the year 2014

Hey!  That’s a real category and not a joke one!  I can totally answer that for reals because I play some games and I like to review things!

The game that epitomized the year 2014 to me was Twitch Plays Pokemon.  It showed a fascinating love of the games, all building up to the newest generation and the newest remake of an old generation.  It got people talking about and playing pokemon again, including me.  Even more, it was a MASSIVE shared experience that created some great story through the random elements of the game because of the way the game worked.  Seriously, check out this write up of the entire story of the game series.  It is fascinating!  

“#swagsockwednesday” of the year 2014

Ok, so looking at the hashtag on tumblr, my favorite one is this one:

And that’s because I bought those for him.  Boom, I’m great.  Go me.

“Protest” of the year 2014

Everything in Ferguson.  Just, all of it.  Cops suck.

“Fruit” of the year 2014

I want to make a joke and put a gay guy, but I’m going to actually answer this correctly.  The fruit of the year here at IHAO has to be … apples, I guess.

“Movie Trailer (for a film I have not yet seen)” of the year 2014

Seventh Son!  That looks like a frickin’ awesome fantasy movie with tons of action and magic and monster and it just looks so cool!  I’m so tired of Tolkien and even more so Peter Jackson styled epic fantasy films, and Seventh Son looks great and new and interesting!  WOOOOO!!

“Cornucopia” of the year 2014

I think my mother-in-law had one she put on her dining room table around Thanksgiving, so I guess that one.

“Character Death” of the year 2014

Absolutely, the one that sticks with me the most this year is from John Wick.  I cannot say who it is, what happens, or any of that, but it was crazy emotional and has stuck with me even to this point.

“Ninja Space Cowboy” of the year 2014

Space Dandy

“Least Noteworthy Performance” of the year 2014

See, this one is hard, because this is quite literally me giving a note to the performance here.  I could cop out now and say I can’t answer it because of that, but nah, I’m going to actually try.  I suppose I’m going to give it to … there was a blonde actress in an episode of Flash that worked with Iris who I think got one line about how Barry would make a good boyfriend or something.  Yeah, her.

“Plot Twist” of the year 2014

The midseason finale to Arrow.

“Choice Make Out Sesh” of the year 2014

May 23^rd

“Color” of the year 2014

Interesting … I think I need to go with brown.  Like, shoe-leather brown. 

“Campaign slogan” of the year 2014

“Vote for Me”

“Most unexpected compliment” of the year 2014

My self-opinion is not very pleasant.  And on top of it, I don’t take compliments well.  They make me nervous and anxious and those words are synonyms.  But I got a compliment from a friend that just rekindled our friendship about my skill level and where I could go in the future that really touched me, profoundly.  I may be 30, but I still think of myself as young for whatever reason, mostly because I mean that as a negative, like I don’t have as much worth as other folks.  So it was just incredibly kind, and really shaped my decision on where I wanted to move forward in my life.  So yeah, that one.

“Worst film” of the year 2014

Dumb and Dumber To

“Best non-CGI effect” of the year 2014

This one is a hard one, because I’ve seen a lot of good films this year, but most effects work is now in CGI land.  And the thing that stands out to me is actually from Guardians of the Galaxy … the costuming and makeup for most of the cast.  It was shocking, seeing behind the scenes footage, or how much of the look of this movie was completely legitimate.  Awesome stuff.

And the last and final category of this year …

“Socks” of the year 2014

My wonderful wife got me LootCrate, and I was happy as all heaven to get it!  Even better, it had GROOT SOCkS in there!  The socks are cool, comfortable, and were a hug surprise as well as a present.  Those are the socks that win, absolutely.

All right everyone, thank you for reading my silly inane list of reader suggested categories.  And I want to say to all of you thank you for reading what I’m putting out there.  You guys taking your time to read, share, and comment keep me going and working hard at this, and have really helped me want to push myself further, with better articles, more constant updates, and more features and specials that I can share with everyone.  Thank you all.  I hope you have a great New Year’s Eve, and I will see you all on Monday with the first review of the new year!

IHAO on ... Best (and Worst) Films of the Year 2014

I’ve built up to this one for … really no reason.  I mean, I am mostly a film critic here at I Have an Opinion, but I review other stuff, too, and arguably the things I get the most views on are wrestling reviews, and those I did yesterday, but … whatever!  I want to do Best Movies of the Year, all leading up to the actual best film I saw this year, as well as my thoughts on what makes that movie so good.  And I suppose I'll do the Worsts, too, just for fun!

So I suppose I’ll split the "bests" into two categories: best movies I saw all year not in theaters, and then the best films OF the year.  I’ll link to them all and just make life fun and entertaining while I do it.  So let’s take a gander first at every film I’ve reviewed this year that I gave an A+ or higher, all with links now so I don't have to later:

Not in Theaters: Snowpiercer, A Monster in Paris, Saw III, The Human Race, Bee Movie, Altered States, White House Down, Odd Thomas, Rocky III, Rocky II, Rocky, EdTV, Someone Like You, The Wrestler, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Flypaper, Lovelace

In Theaters: Penguins of Madagascar, John Wick, Birdman or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance, Maze Runner, Guardians of the Galaxy, Hercules, Oculus, Captain America: the Winter Soldier

I suppose now, I’m just going to go ahead and to the top 5, counting down to the best in each category, and talk a little more about them!  It should be known that this list is going to be a cumulative list.  By that I mean that it will be my best to combine both what I think is the highest quality and what I liked the most.   You with me?  Fantastic, let’s do this.

Not in Theaters Number 5: Rocky III

I loved watching the Rocky films this year.  It was so amazing to learn that my opinion of what a Rocky film was, based on the clips of III and IV I had seen, had no real relation to what the series is actually about.  That said, Rocky III did the sports drama the absolute best I’ve ever seen, without losing any of the character drama that Rocky gave us.  It picked up its pace and became a fantastic film in its own rights, the last great Rocky film.  Clubber Lang is an incredible character, the story so perfectly finishes up the major trilogy of the Rocky stories, and the color and film work is just fantastic.  I really love the franchise now, and Rocky III just makes it into the top 5.

Not in Theaters Number 4: Lovelace

Amanda Seyfried was phenomenal.  She deserved an Oscar nod.  And on top of that Lovelace is a complicated film.  It isn’t just a biopic about the woman from Deepthroat.  It is a really well written, well acted, well plotted film.  We don’t just amble along linearly, no, instead the film works its magic through excellent editing and pacing to really help us the audience get a deeper experience.  Lovelace was an amazing film, and I am so happy to have seen it and to now own it.

Not in Theaters Number 3: The Wrestler

With all the wrestling talk I’ve done this year, I am so happy to have finally checked this film out.  Darren Aronofsky continues to be one of my favorite directors.  This is a quiet film that is real and touching.  You see real professional wrestlers talking backstage, the curtain behind an industry that is still shrouded in some small bits of mystery in a fascinating way.  It is a character driven film, which I always love, and Randy the Ram lives on as a real character.  I believe that it is him.  Watching this film and learning more and more about life for older wrestlers, it is heartbreaking and personal.  It is an amazing film.

Not in Theaters Number 2: Rocky

Yeah, the third film made it on the list too.  And Rocky II sits at number 6, just so you know.  Rocky won Best Picture in 1976, but also Best Director, and even more interesting, Best Editing.  Best editing nowadays is a joke category, generally given to the films that indeed have the most edits in them.  But when really treated like it is an art form, excellent editing creates tension, it drives story, and it fuels emotion.  Rocky is an incredible film, an incredible drama about one of the most likable characters in film history. 

Recently, I was watching a video that pondered the question: “If aliens came to earth, and you could show all of them one film to sum up all of humanity, what movie would you show them?”  And Rocky was my answer.  The story of the true meaning of the human spirit, not to win or destroy, but to survive, to go the distance.  The story of a man who wasn’t the brightest, nowhere close in fact, but a man who worked and tried, and was given a chance.  The story of a man who fell in love, and who goes through the entire human spectrum of emotion.  A perfect film.

Not in Theaters Number 1: Snowpiercer

So how can another movie top a perfect film from 1976?  By being a more stylized, deeper, more thought-provoking thrill ride of emotion, color, and crisp art.  Snowpiercer IS art.  It is the best modern film I’ve seen this year, maybe the best actual film I’ve ever seen.  It is deep, it is funny, it is violent, it is thoughtful, it is mesmerizing, it is filled with amazing characters, it is chockfull of tension, it is supremely well directed and edited, it has amazing music, it has amazing visuals, it has amazing acting, it has amazing actors.  It is dark, but hopeful.  It is creepy, but understandable.  It is human, but entirely foreign.  And it shocked me with how many clever turns and twists it could take without ever resulting in cheap storytelling or plot convenience.  It is the best film I saw this year … not in theaters.

((-=-))

I’m incredibly happy with that list.  But I have two more lists to go.  First, the best films OF the year!  The films that I saw in theaters that blew me away and were absolutely ones I want to own (and many of them I do!), I want to share with others, and deserve awards.

Number 5: Oculus

Just narrowly beating out Captain America: the Winter Soldier for the number 5 slot is one of the scariest, most intense, most inventive new horror films I’ve ever seen.  See, I’m a Dungeons and Dragons lover, and my game world of choice is Ravenloft, a gothic horror inspired set.  And Oculus hits every single one of my buttons, and does something that very few films has ever done well: it uses perception and illusion as the ultimate crux of the horror.  Oculus is absolutely terrifying, and beyond that, has Karen Gillan giving a really fantastic performance.  The film isn’t gory, it isn’t foul, it isn’t sexist, it doesn’t have any of the pitfalls most horror movies fall into.  It is clever, horrifying, and an amazing experience. 

Number 4: Maze Runner

This is probably controversial, and in fact I may be the only film critic to put this film this high on their year’s end lists.  But I don’t care, I think Maze Runner doesn’t get enough credit.  Maze Runner is deceptively simple, and is more than likely ignored for that fact.  Its simplicity is not a negative, but a positive, as its story is fueled by its simple setup of a dystopian future.  The film is societal in nature, with incredible, memorable characters, all of which were young adults!  That is NOT a common statement.  The film is also beautiful, with an amazing sense of size and color without feeling unnatural, even though you know it is.  The last … few minutes of plot are truly unnecessary, and a bit of a let down, but they make up such a small percentage that even they don’t kill the film for me.  I really suggest everyone give this clever, yet simple science fiction film a chance.

Number 3: John Wick

I want to curse and yell and shoot guns in the air!  This is the best straight action movie I’ve seen in probably 5 years.  It is cool and sophisticated and clever and original.  It has fantastic acting from all sorts of guys that many do not give a chance, especially Keanu Reeves who is a criminally underrated actor that was finally able to really show all his skill and all his range in a film.  The action sequences are tight, exhilarating, and awesome to behold.  The plot is an awesome take on a pretty standard story that breathes new life into the film.  The villains are vile, and our hero is almost as bad, but yet we root for him!  The movie does such a tremendous job of getting us into John Wick’s head and really falling for the character.  This film could have easily gotten number 2, and some days I could even argue it was the best film I saw all year.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy

Of course this movie is on the list.  In fact, me not putting it at number 1 might shock some of my readers.  Guardians of the Galaxy is the first space opera since the original Star Wars films that actually worked.  It is grandiose, it is hilarious, it is action-packed, it has just a touch of romance, it has amazing visuals you just want to sink into, it has memorable characters that will never leave the zeitgeist, and it is more than just a standard summer blockbuster.  It is a smart movie with a theme and a plot that culminates not with a fire or a storm, but with a whisper, to paraphrase the bible some what sacrilegiously.  Every time I watch the movie, I am in awe.  It is in fact the only movie I saw in theaters more than once this year.  A movie that beats this one would have to be something really special …

Number 1: Birdman, or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance

Birdman is the most well-made film I saw all year.  Period.  Every actor, every scene, every line, every performance, every bit of the amazingly cool jazz drum score, every  camera move, every special effect, every. Single. Detail. Of this film was thought out and superbly crafted.  This film is one of the hardest films to talk about this year as well.  It is a film that every time I talk about it and some asks me to tell them what it is about, I have to ask “do you mean ‘what’s the plot’ or ‘what’s the movie about?’”  It is a deep, artistic film that covers every single aspect of the film making and dramatic process, from writing to production to acting to directing to set building to being a PA to personal lives of the creative to what it means to be past your prime to journalism and criticism to being an audience member.  Every single person who has ever been a part of a play or a musical or a dance recital or in some part of the film making process needs to see this film.  It is absolutely my film of the year, even more so because it represents for me a profound and dense statement about films this year, with its focus on how you interact with the world, what entertainment becomes popular, and what all work goes into a production.  Michael Keaton is my actor of the year.  Alejandro González Iñárritu is my director of the year.  Birdman is my cinematography of the year.  And it is absolutely the film of the year!

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Well, that was fantastic.  I love positive thoughts an opinions.  And … I know everyone loves  a train wreck of awfulness.  So let me talk about the worst films I was forced to watch this year, and my pick for the worst film of 2014.

Just like before, here’s a wonderful list of every film I gave at least an F- to : See No Evil 2, Saw: the Final Chapter, MacGruber, Popeye, Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat, The Starving Games, Leonard Part 6, Brazil

Here we go, Top 5 worst films I’ve seen this year.  God help me.

Worst Film Number 5: Saw: the Final Chapter

This movie makes me so sad.  It just … it craps on every single thing that the entire six films before it had done as a franchise.  Its film quality, its storytelling, its creativity, its acting … Ugh.   All of the Saw films before this one had some surprisingly good actors in them.  But in this film, Cary Elwes is officially a WORSE actor for having been in it, and he is the BEST PART of this abomination.  How is it not any farther up this list?  Because I can at some point see myself watching this again, because no matter what happens, it is a part of a franchise, and I will eventually watch it once more.  The next four I will never, EEEEEEEEEEVER watch a-gain!

Worst Film Number 4: Popeye

Rest in Peace Robin Williams.  With that out of the way, this film is horse-crap.  It doesn’t make any sense, is filled with terrible musical moments and no dancing of any worth, none of the fun of a Popeye cartoon is in it at all, and is just plain old ugly.  Even Williams’ Popeye is muttering hard to understand fool more akin to Donald Duck on Quaalude than Popeye.  I will give it this, it has real nice sets.  In fact, that’s the only reason it isn’t any higher on this list.

Worst Film Number 3: MacGruber

Good cinematography.  Completely wasted, always moving, always fake and “cinema” looking but perfectly fine in skill cinematography.  That is the only good thing I have to say about the worst SNL film ever made.  They took a sketch that always took place only in the countdown of a bomb going off and wrapped an entire film around the ad libs and curse words and sex jokes of one of the least funny actors in recent SNL history.  Don’t get me wrong, Will Forte is a funny writer, he wrote for That 70s Show and such.  But this film is utter trite nonsense and garbage.  The fact that there are two films worse than this that I saw this year clearly means that this year was filled with pain like you wouldn’t believe.

Worst Film Number 2: Leonard Part 6

Ugh.  If MacGruber is a parody film done wrong, then Leonard Part 6 is all the deleted scenes from that terrible parody sprayed down with skunk stench and let out to dry.  Almost literally actually, since there are ACTUAL BLOOPERS MONTAGED INTO THE FILM.  This film makes Ghost Dad look like an Oscar contender for Bill Cosby.  And that is not a good thing.  I cannot say a single good thing about this movie except that it isn’t as bad as …

Worst Film Number 1: Dr. Seuss’ the Cat in the Hat

That is this whole movie.  That right there.   Look at it.

Desperate attempts to make us laugh.  Mike Myers laughs so much in the movie in this vain attempt to make me believe he is telling jokes.  He isn’t, though.  He isn’t telling any jokes, or doing anything even remotely related to humor. 

This is without a doubt the worst film I’ve seen this year.  In fact, it is probably the worst film I’ve ever seen.  This film is the benchmark for terrible films.  If a movie is worse than this … I’m going to be very upset and very depressed, because I know I’m going to have to watch it in Torture-Jessel-a-Thon 2 next year.

Ahem.

And now, ladies and gentle-readers, I would like to present to you, the worst film of the year.  The movie that I saw in theaters and absolutely was terrible beyond every single other film …

The Worst Film of 2014: Dumb and Dumber To

I could just post all the gifs again, but really, just follow this link.  That is an entire review summed up in ten or so pictures.  This movie was awful.  And even worse, it wasn’t awful enough to have the courtesy and be worse than any of the other five movies on the worst list.  That almost makes me madder.  To be a movie that is so incredibly stupid that it is worse than Interstellar this year absolutely deserves you an award.  The “Go Away and Die” award.

//^\\

Thank you everybody, I hope you enjoyed this film wrap-up of the year 2014.  But I’m not done.  Tomorrow, I have a list of 48 categories for “best of the year” that I need to answer, including everything from “best episode of television” to “best seasoning.”  Yeah, it is gonna be a weird stupid list.  I’ll see you tomorrow!

IHAO on ... Wrestling Bests of the Year 2014

Man has wrestling been rough and exhilarating at the same time.  This year, TNA all but died, got a new home for the new year, and will be starting over.  Lucha Underground started and is really starting to make huge waves as they build up to their big AZTEC WARFARE match at the beginning of 2015.  NXT has been destroying WWE so thoroughly in quality and in skill that WWE morale is incredibly low.  And Vince in a live podcast buried everyone who wasn’t Bray Wyatt or the Shield.  WWE PPVs have slowly gotten worse and worse, and so many of the top guys or close to the top guys have gotten injured, fed up and quit, show up only once every month if we are lucky, or are just veterans who have no business continuing in the main events or upper echelon of the company. 

A lot has happened in 2014.  And with the help of some readers, I’ve compiled a list of “Of the Year” categories.  I’ve also got some garbage joke ones, and I’ll answer those at the end, because I refuse to not answer them, though I would like to actually talk about stuff like a real reviewer first, ok Mom?!

Here we go:

Best Jobber

A jobber in wrestling terms is a guy whose job is to lose to put over their competition.  They may have a name and a gimmick, but they are not a featured player or character.  Their job is to lose so that we can learn the schtick of the other guy.  The best jobber is one that bumped well, was interesting, left an impression, but never overshadowed the talent they were enhancing.  This year’s Best Jobber is …

Blue Pants

Blue Pants is actually Leva Bates, a female wrestler in the Indy’s who seems to be a friend of the female trainer for the NXT Divas and came in to do a terrible favor: to lose to someone else.  But Blue Pants put  on her Kitty Pride cosplay, came out to no music, introduced to the crowd by the most charismatic G in NXT, Enzo Amore, and sparred with the debuting Carmella.  Carmella looked great, Blue Pants looked good and rolled with the role, and returned for another match, once more jobbing to Carmella, but this time the fans cheered and chanted for Blue Pants, Blue Pants, Blue Pants!

 

Honorable Mentions:  Kane, the Undertaker

Most in need of a Gimmick Change

Oh goodness.  Why did I put this so high on this list?  All right, so lots of wrestlers get repackaged or work with what they are given.  Some have great gimmicks, some are basically gimmick-less and just play themselves, and some flounder in their gimmick.  Ezekiel Jackson had a terrible gimmick and terrible matches in the WWE, but now in Lucha Underground as Big Ryck, he is treated like a monster, and his cigar grinding and “brawling, not wrestling” approach changes everything about the promotion, and it was just a simple gimmick change (and company switch, but shh).  This year, the award for the wrestler most in need of a gimmick change is …

The Usos

Don’t look at me, I absolutely thought I’d be putting John Cena or Randy Orton here.  But let me ask you, oh reader, what is the Usos gimmick? 

Think about it.  Samoans?  I dunno, they don’t really talk about it other than their opening chant, which then doesn’t affect anything other than throwback moves to their father.  Is it that they are twins?  They wear face paint to make it absolutely clear which one is which.  Is it as the good guy champs of the Tag Division?  They sure don’t get to talk or really do anything to show that other than be in EVERY SINGLE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH for the tag titles.  The last time they didn’t wrestle for the WWE Tag Titles was Summerslam, and that’s because there wasn’t a tag title match on the show.  The same holds true for most PPVs this year.  But to be in every title match for so long, and still be just … those colorful guys that are good guys and have the same match all the time … that is infuriating. 

They need something.  An edge.  A heel turn.  A manager.  ANYTHING.  SOMETHING.

Honorable Mentions: Bayley, AJ Lee, Randy Orton, John Cena, Bull Dempsey, Mojo Rawley

Most Disappointing Release

Folks get fired every year.  For lots of reasons.  Some quit, some get injured and retire, and some just fail drug tests or hit women or something.  And sometimes guys get fired or leave or whatever and they had so much more they could have done!  This year, the most disappointing release goes to …

Josh Mathews

The main WWE commentary is the pits.  It is just absolute and utter garbage.  They have some talented dudes around that can do good play-by-play and good color, but the worst release for me was Josh Mathews.  He was a really good play-by-play guy, if a little bland and personality-less, but he played well with JBL, unlike Cole and Lawler, as well as some of the newer commentary guys like Byron Saxton, Alex Riley, and Scott Stanford.  For a short time Mathews was doing the PPVs and doing a real solid job.  But he was never given a real chance to do things as the lead commentator in a big way. 

And what’s happening for him now?  He will be the new voice of the WWE’s largest not-in-house competition on the new Impact Wrestling on Destination America.  And he’s going to do a great job there, because he won’t have Vince yelling in his ear, Michael Cole saying stupid things to him as heel color, and a company behind him that is trying as hard as it can to improve.  Who knows if it will, but this is a bad blow for us WWE fans because we are stuck with the same garbage we currently have instead of what we could have had.  And that is absolutely disappointing.

Honorable Mentions: Evan Bourne, Aksana, Drew McIntyre

Heel Turn of the Year

Sometimes good guys go bad.  Sometimes relationships end.  Sometimes a new villain arises from the ranks of the heroes.  And that is professional wrestling in a nutshell.  A great heel turn makes both people in that turn a bigger star, like the Rock at Survivor Series 1998.  A bad heel turn doesn’t matter, like Cesaro’s hip-hopping from fan favorite to heel for Heyman to cheered for to made obscure and held down to dwindle away what started as a great year.  But that’s neither here nor there.  The Heel Turn of the Year is …

Seth Rollins

There was no other choice.  Seth Rollins broke up the Shield, won Money in the Bank, became the true heel that HHH needed to work for him against all those pesky do-gooders in the roster.  Rollins has been the fixture of the bad guys every week, has rolled with the punches and changed every week, and has been about the only good thing to come from this whole Authority storyline that has lasted a year too long.  And he is only going to move upwards.

Honorable Mentions: Kevin Owens, Chavo Guerrero, Nikki Bella

Pageantry of the Year

Paige is my good friend.  And I got her into wrestling because she fell in love with Dusty Rhodes and his yellow polka dots.  She loves the ridiculous characters, the spectacle, and the huge stories.  She loves the guys with the PAGEANTRY.  And she asked me for my pick for Pageantry of the Year.  That one’s easy …

Finn Balor

Holy monster-under-the-bed crap, look at this glorious video! ((EDIT: Ok, so the video I wanted to share, that I had shared a lot, has been taken down by the WWE.  I put the official WWE video, but it is more edited and also doesn't have enough of the Ascension's reactions to it, but I think it'll do enough for you to get my point.))  I don’t care if you hate wrestling, love wrestling, whatever.  THIS is an entrance.  THIS is special!  THIS is thrilling and ridiculous and wonderful!  And it cannot be topped.  Well, it could have been, if Sting had given a damn and came down from the rafters or they gave him anything beyond just walking out to generic garbage rock music instead of his actual theme at Survivor Series.  BAH!

Finn Balor, before he was Finn Balor, was known for this kind of thing, this kind of pageantry.  It is not his gimmick, he just goes a little harder on special occasions, and that makes it even better than being Stardust who never turns it off.

Honorable Mentions: Stardust at all, Mil Muertes, Baron Corbin

Tag Team of the Year

Tag team wrestling hasn’t been important to the WWE for a long time.  But recently things are changing.  And since my limited scope only has time to watch WWE and NXT plus Lucha Underground (I’m gonna watch Impact in the new year, gah, gimme a break, I only have so many hours in an insomnia-afflicted night to watch stuff, guys!), I already know who the Tag Team of the Year is …

The Ascension

Face?  Heel?  Who cares!  These guys kick our butt, have an aura of awesome, and legitimately make me mark out, which does not happen often any longer.  When they rip apart jobbers, everyone is yelling along with every kick and pin count YA YA YA!  And when they are put against a real team, they show that they can actually go and show a lot of skill and character.  Watch Konnor’s reactions to Finn Balor in the video I linked to above, they are priceless.   The Ascension is about to debut and shake up the WWE Tag Division, and I cannot wait.  I cannot wait for them and the Brothers of Dust-struction.  I cannot wait for them to rip the Usos in half.  I cannot wait for them to dominate the division and actually make people care beyond the antics of Damien Mizdow.

Honorable Mentions: The Certified Gs Enzo Amore and Big Cass, the Brothers of Dust-struction

Gimmick of the Year

A great gimmick is one that makes it clear what your character is.  It lets audiences understand your character quickly and efficiently.  A gimmick is creative lubricant that makes a wrestler better.  A GREAT gimmick takes a mediocre wrestler and makes them extraordinary.  A terrible gimmick takes a great wrestler and reduces them to Adam Rose.  But what exactly is the Gimmick of the Year …

Enzo Amore and Big Cass

That right there is Enzo Amore, and he is a certified G, and a bona fide stud, and you can’t. teach. that.  And this right here is Big Cass, and he’s seven foot tall, and you can’t. teach. that.  And if you don’t like them, then you are probably S-A-W-F-T, saaaaaaawwwwft!

These guys take the awful Jersey Shore gimmick and breathe life into it like you cannot believe.  Probably because they live that gimmick; that is who they are, turned up to 11.  That’s the best gimmick.  That’s the Rock, that’s Mankind, that’s Stone Cold, that’s Kevin Nash, that’s Ric Flair, that’s what you want from an incredible gimmick.  These guys are big stars without ever having to win matches or show up all the time.  Because when they do show up, the electricity is palpable in the arena.  They have so much in front of them.  And it isn’t just the “Jersey Shore” aspects.  It’s Big Cass’ size and stature, but being cool like Big Daddy Cool Diesel.  It’s Enzo, trying so hard, even though the only offense he has is punching a few times and kicking around when he talks.  They are a great team, and will only get better.

Honorable Mentions: Damien Mizdow, Erick Rowan Genius, the Ascension

Most Improved WWE Superstar (no NXTers)

I technically didn’t want to do this one because I wanted to talk about wrestling as a whole.  But let’s be fair, I mostly watched WWE this year.  So I can easily do this one.  Now, what do I think is important to “most improved?”  I would say that I as a viewer was turned around on them, that their gimmick synced in better than before, their ring work got better, and their promo works improved.  Since I cannot do NXT guys, that is going to sorely hurt who I can talk about.  So I guess that leaves only one option …

Nikki Bella

Brie was positioned to be the big star of the Divas division along with Paige.  But things got off track because, frankly, Brie is a terrible face and Steph is a fantastic heel, so Brie never took off.  She coasted along on her husband’s popularity after Wrestlemania, but she was soon overtaken by her heel turning sister.  Nikki has improved in the ring in a huge way, having a new moveset as a power diva that is impressive and really fun and different to watch from the normal “run at you, pull your hair” Summer Rae garbage.  On top of that, her personality is starting to really shine through.  She isn’t just a “Bella Twin,” she’s Nikki.  If you need more proof, Brie turned heel just recently to go back to being with Nikki instead of the “triumphant” babyface she was supposed to be.  And now Nikki is Diva’s Champion for the WWE.  That says a lot, and makes me happy.

Honorable Mentions: Tyson Kidd

Even By WWE Standards This Makes No Sense

This was a weird one, and I was going to throw this into the joke categories below, but as I thought about it, there really is an interesting thing here to talk about.  WWE Standards means standard WWE wrestling and television.  And that means that whatever I am to talk about here needs to be ludicrous.  And I am pretty sure I know what wins the award for the E.B.W.S.T.M.N.S. …

Looney Tunes antics stopping Dean Ambrose

Dean Ambrose is the top face in the company right now.  He has the audience in his hands.  He is Stone Cold just before Austin made it to the top.  He is physical, engaging, with great character and gimmick and promos and movesets and an amazing look and … he is treated like utter trash, especially on PPVs.  Let me just share some of the ridiculous things that have happened to Dean Ambrose in just the past few months:

This is just bonkers.  It makes him look weak, as he constantly loses big matches and loses feuds by moving on to new feuds.  You cannot build your company this way!  WWE, look, you have a face the fans LOVE rooting for and seeing, why are you forcing Roman Reigns down our throats instead of using the already popular Dean Ambrose, a man who out sold ALL OTHER WRESTLERS on Black Friday for your company in merchandise?!  Ridiculous.

Honorable Mentions: Not mentioning NXT on Raw, 25 minute promos to main events and no promos for anyone else

Face of the Year

Babyfaces are the wrestlers you cheer for.  They aren’t necessarily good guys, but they are the ones the fans love.  Many times they are heroes, or at least they are wronged, or their obstacles are understandable, but not always.  It is hard to really explain the difference between hero, protagonist and babyface.  But there certainly is an easy thing for me to answer, and that’s who is the Face of the Year …

TIE: Adrian Neville and Sami Zayn

These two guys have spent one whole year building a feud that just recently culminated.  Both men have been the top guys of NXT.  Sami Zayn was, until just recently, the uncrowned champion, the people’s champion of NXT.  Adrian Neville, on the flipside, was the actual champion of NXT, the face of the brand, and the fighting-est, most honorable and skilled champion for nine months.  The two guys were part of amazing matches all year, have incredible reporte with the audience, and drove the entire brand of NXT to be as awesome as it is.

Their feud for these past few months have been some of the most tense feuds I’ve seen.  Their friendship, their rivalry, the way that Neville slowly became more and more heelish as he continued to do fight and fight for his championship, which is all he has ever done, and as Sami Zayn worked harder and harder to prove he was capable of being the top guy.  And in the end, after Neville became as heelish as he ever had been, he was redeemed by his friendship with Zayn, and then the very next week was the fighting warrior who was forgiven by the audience as he tried to redeem himself against the awful heel who destroyed Zayn’s beautiful win.

These two guys deserve this “award” and designation.  Daniel Bryan never had the company behind him.  Reigns became a caricature of himself over the course of three months, then was injured and gone.  Dean Ambrose only came into his own in the last third of the year.  John Cena is awful.  Lucha Underground is too new to really have Johnny Mundo or Sexy Starr or Prince Puma at the top.  These two deserve it, and there were no other choices.

Heel of the Year

Every face needs a heel.  Every heel needs a heel.  And even more, every fan needs a heel.  The story of wrestling, the thing that makes wrestling so magical doesn’t work if there isn’t a heel.  That guy who may do nothing wrong, never be a villain, but is always booed.  The ultimate obstacle, the ultimate other choice.  Cheating, or being a rules lawyer, being a monster or a chicken-crap-coward, there is no singular way to be a heel, and all of them are good, as long as the audience fully stays against them.  You won’t see Bray Wyatt as the winner here because it was only recently he acted as true heel  ignoring and hating the audience, actually getting boos.  No, there is only one (two) people who deserve this award …

Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

They are perfect as heels.  They knew this way back at the turn of the millennium, and they are back doing it amazingly again.  Stephanie is so perfect, and had an amazing match with Brie after almost a decade out of the ring.  Triple H bumped for Brie, did the job for Daniel Bryan, fought hard for his control, was a huge obstacle for everyone, and the two of them were perfect as the bad guys on top.  Last year, I couldn’t say that at all.  Really, it was just this year, it was just them running the show, tricked into giving Daniel Bryan a chance at Wrestlemania where he SUCCEEDED against every odd, but then splitting up the Shield, but then losing the legitimate power of Batista just before he became an enormous commodity, but then they put down the pressure and made life terrible for every face, until Survivor Series where the faces FINALLY beat them!  It was perfect, and these two deserve to be the Heels of the Year.

Now I want to see Adrian Neville and Sami Zayn v. Triple H and Steph as a feud.

Honorable Mentions: Tyson Kidd, Seth Rollins, Don Cueto

IHAO's Top 5 Matches of the Year

This is the thing that matters most.  This is the one.  The Top 5 matches of the Year.  The 5 matches that matter most, that are the pinnacle of wrestling this year.  I reviewed most of them for this site, but let’s not spoil it.  I could talk and talk about these matches, but really, their quality is what matters to me, and I want you guys to just go watch them yourselves.  Let’s go:

Honorable Mentions: Johnny Mundo v. Prince Puma v. Big Ryck Triple Threat Ladder Match @ Lucha Underground s01e07

5) Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt @ Royal Rumble 2014

4) Adrian Neville v. Sami Zayn @ NXT Takeover: (R)Evolution

3) Daniel Bryan v. HHH @ Wrestlemania 30

2) Charlotte v. Natalya @ NXT Takeover

1) Adrian Neville v. Tyson Kidd @ NXT Takeover

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention one more time how disheartened, depressed, and saddened I am because of the Ultimate Warrior’s sudden death just after he finally cleared his entire name with the WWE, entered the Hall of Fame, and gave an amazing speech the Raw after, before passing away.  God bless his family, and may he rest in peace.  Thank you, Warrior.

“No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat. 

His lungs breathe a final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood 

pulse through the body of others and makes them bleed deeper and something larger than life 

then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized. By the story tellers, by the loyalty, by the memory

 of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. 

You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend markers of Ultimate Warrior. 

In the back I see many potential legends. Some of them with warrior spirits. 

And you will do the same for them. You will decide if they lived with the passion and intensity. 

So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends, as well. 

Ultimate. You are the Ultimate Warrior fans. 

And the spirit of the Ultimate Warrior will run forever!" ~ The Ultimate Warrior

 ---

Curt Hennig Award for Best Match While Injured – Ryback, why not

Ironic JR Award for Maximizing Your Minutes – Damien Mizdow

Best Bow Tie – This one, I guess

Greatest Surprise Grunt – Uh … “ooergh!” ((EDIT: I thought of a non-joke answer, "SKRONK!"  RIP Warrior))

Best Beard – Ziggler’s

Wrestler Who Would Most Benefit From Growing a Beard – Erick Rowan